Thorwyn
FH is my second home
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 4,752
It´s weekend and my local DVD store has a special weekend offer: rent 5 DVDs from Friday - Monday for a tenner. So I thought ok, why not. Found some movies that I always wanted to see but never had a chance to (I´m not much of a movie fan) like Inglorious Basterds and some other crap. And while I was looking for the 5th DVD, I sumbled accross a move named "Valhalla Rising". Judging by the cover, it was some sort of heroic Fantasy movie, lots of gore, violence, swords, axes and all that. Booya!.. I thought.
So I put it into my BluRay player, opened a bottle of red wine and watched it. In the first 30 minutes, I was bored beyond belief. After 45 minutes, I was annoyed. And after that, I was litterlally laughing my ass off. I have *never*.. and I mean NEVER seen anything even remotely ridiculous like this.
The entire movie is shot in an overdrawn Photoshop-filter blowout, trying to emulate 300 or Sin City with the occasional flashback in red (sometimes heads up). Artifacts around any edge, sharp colours. There is not a single building in the entire movie. Everyone is sitting around in the open grass. People are wielding swords and wearing reinforced leather armour, but the technology to build a tent seems to be lost on those folks.
Quick rundown of the plot:
If all focuses around some sort of uber warrior, who happens to be hold as a captive by some celtic folks and is thrown into some kind of bearpit once in a while, where he constantly shreds every opponent into pieces. Some sunny day, he breaks free, killing his oppressors. But he spares the life of a young kid, that happens to look like the kid from the freestyler video
YouTube - Bomfunk Mcs - Freestyler [Official Video]
Uber warrior and kid wander off and eventually bump into a clan of christians, who are holding a bunch of naked women in chains. The christians are thinking about killing the uber warrior, but one of them says that he has head about him and that it would be a good idea to leave him alone. Since uber warrior is voiceless, the kid is basicall his mouth.
So instead of killing him, the Christian clan invites uber warior to lunch and they decide to go and travel to the sacred land to protect it.
So off they go in a boat (God knows what happened to the chained naked women they left behind) and set sails to the sacred land... wherever that is. Time passes... fog comes up as well as a calm. Good enough to fill another 20 minutes. Eventually, they reach a shore. (Great scene there: Fade in.. people are sitting in a boad, shores with trees all around them... they´re looking at each other, then someone says "It´s a river!" .... Fade out.)
But the sacred land doesn´t seem to be as sacred as they expected. They´re walking around, trying to find someone to kill, but all they find are occasional burial plots. One of them goes missing and eventually, they decide that they´re in hell.
Time passes, the clan doesn´t quite know what to do, so they all have a zip from a bottle that contains the "blood of jesus". Must have been some strong shit, because now, some of them are trying to kill each other, while others are laying down in the mud obviously completely stones. Uber warrior tries his best to build some kind of totem by stacking a bunch of rocks, and even the missing dude re-appears, completely covered in a layer of red mud with symbols all over his body, talking nonsense.
Aggressive warrior is trying to kill uber warrior, but uber warrior (now that his totem is finished) kills a bunch of aggressive warriors. Then, uber warrior walks off and the remaining two Christian warriors are giving each other a bear hug, in which process one stabs the other one. Thank God, he´s not fatally injured and follows uber warrior (just like mud-man). The other Christian warrior walks into the river and stands there.... just to get shot by a bunch of arrows out of nowhere.
Uber warrior, kid, stabbed old warrior and (now clean) mud-man climb a hill. They have a chat, then ex-mud-man walks off. Uber warrior and kid are walking off as well (the fate of old-stabbed-warrior remains unclear) and arrive at a shore. Kid drinks some water, then they turn around and realise that they´re being surrounded by a bunch of mud-warriors with bows and ... wooden sticks. Uber warrior lays down his axe and dagger and walks into the mudmen, who kill him.
The End.
Seriously.. who the FUCK is responsible for that shit? Is this supposed to be "modern" movies?
So I put it into my BluRay player, opened a bottle of red wine and watched it. In the first 30 minutes, I was bored beyond belief. After 45 minutes, I was annoyed. And after that, I was litterlally laughing my ass off. I have *never*.. and I mean NEVER seen anything even remotely ridiculous like this.
The entire movie is shot in an overdrawn Photoshop-filter blowout, trying to emulate 300 or Sin City with the occasional flashback in red (sometimes heads up). Artifacts around any edge, sharp colours. There is not a single building in the entire movie. Everyone is sitting around in the open grass. People are wielding swords and wearing reinforced leather armour, but the technology to build a tent seems to be lost on those folks.
Quick rundown of the plot:
If all focuses around some sort of uber warrior, who happens to be hold as a captive by some celtic folks and is thrown into some kind of bearpit once in a while, where he constantly shreds every opponent into pieces. Some sunny day, he breaks free, killing his oppressors. But he spares the life of a young kid, that happens to look like the kid from the freestyler video
YouTube - Bomfunk Mcs - Freestyler [Official Video]
Uber warrior and kid wander off and eventually bump into a clan of christians, who are holding a bunch of naked women in chains. The christians are thinking about killing the uber warrior, but one of them says that he has head about him and that it would be a good idea to leave him alone. Since uber warrior is voiceless, the kid is basicall his mouth.
So instead of killing him, the Christian clan invites uber warior to lunch and they decide to go and travel to the sacred land to protect it.
So off they go in a boat (God knows what happened to the chained naked women they left behind) and set sails to the sacred land... wherever that is. Time passes... fog comes up as well as a calm. Good enough to fill another 20 minutes. Eventually, they reach a shore. (Great scene there: Fade in.. people are sitting in a boad, shores with trees all around them... they´re looking at each other, then someone says "It´s a river!" .... Fade out.)
But the sacred land doesn´t seem to be as sacred as they expected. They´re walking around, trying to find someone to kill, but all they find are occasional burial plots. One of them goes missing and eventually, they decide that they´re in hell.
Time passes, the clan doesn´t quite know what to do, so they all have a zip from a bottle that contains the "blood of jesus". Must have been some strong shit, because now, some of them are trying to kill each other, while others are laying down in the mud obviously completely stones. Uber warrior tries his best to build some kind of totem by stacking a bunch of rocks, and even the missing dude re-appears, completely covered in a layer of red mud with symbols all over his body, talking nonsense.
Aggressive warrior is trying to kill uber warrior, but uber warrior (now that his totem is finished) kills a bunch of aggressive warriors. Then, uber warrior walks off and the remaining two Christian warriors are giving each other a bear hug, in which process one stabs the other one. Thank God, he´s not fatally injured and follows uber warrior (just like mud-man). The other Christian warrior walks into the river and stands there.... just to get shot by a bunch of arrows out of nowhere.
Uber warrior, kid, stabbed old warrior and (now clean) mud-man climb a hill. They have a chat, then ex-mud-man walks off. Uber warrior and kid are walking off as well (the fate of old-stabbed-warrior remains unclear) and arrive at a shore. Kid drinks some water, then they turn around and realise that they´re being surrounded by a bunch of mud-warriors with bows and ... wooden sticks. Uber warrior lays down his axe and dagger and walks into the mudmen, who kill him.
The End.
Seriously.. who the FUCK is responsible for that shit? Is this supposed to be "modern" movies?
