Joke of the day

[TdC]

speaking of brake fluid:

taken from the darwin awards:

The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading
"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

 

[mookie]

speaking of brake fluid:

taken from the darwin awards:

The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading
"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

holy crap teeds, thats older than jesus. and snopes says its false. and i killed your kittens. hah!

 

[TdC]

heh I got it just now from the bigcompany fun provider. I'll tell him

 

[old.Tohtori]

You know what's the most annoying joke in the world?

 

[Lazarus]

Why its important to smile in pictures

 

[Tom]

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.
The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.

 

[Brynn]

Whats the difference between a rectal thermometer and a normal one?

A : The taste

 

[Gowen DownTpub]

Just been sent this thought it was quite amusing..........

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
>everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because
>of
>the grief they have experienced he decides to grant them one wish each,
>before they enter Paradise.
>
> They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
>want
>to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
> The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too."
>Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
> This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
>God
>is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
> When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
floor,
>laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him
>what his wish will be.
>
> The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

 

[Gef]

Could have edited the >'s out at least

Two snowmen standing in a field. One says to the other, can you smell carrots?

 

[Driwen]

Just been sent this thought it was quite amusing..........

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

just edited so i could read it a bit easier (lines being cut halfway was abit irri)

 

[Gowen DownTpub]

Doh

Cheers tho :worthy:

 

[Munkey]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".

I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?

I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.

I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of.

It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

So what should I do? Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

 

[babs]

Blatantly stolen from another forum but it made me smile...

One day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."


Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."


The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a Sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best . Bush took a look around in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this.

"The Devil smiled sardonically and said......

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[gmloki]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly
bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and really didn't want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, " I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes
he hugged me and said," we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:





















Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[.Wilier.]

A blind man goes into a timber yard and enquires after a job.

"Im not sure what I could offer a blind man" says the owner

"I can smell any kind of wood and tell you the type of wood, the exact date the tree was felled and where it was cut, go on, test me" says the blind man

"Erm......well, ok" Says the owner, and holds a piece of wood up to the mans nose.

"its mahogany, felled in 2002 and cut in the Amazonian Jungle timber shop"

"WOW, impressive" says the owner. Next piece:

"Its Swedish spruce, felled last week and cut in Fransbruch einTimber Cutters" says the blind man.

The owner is impressed, but as a final test he gets the sales girls and tells her to stick her twat in the face of the blind man.

"Hmmmm, Im not sure on this one" says the man "I cant quite pin it down...

The girl turns rouns and sticks her bum next to the mans nose...

"Ahh, now I know this one......"












"Its the shit-house door from a Tuna boat......"

 

[Ormorof]

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there."Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ..m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a
real problem with his Own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish
Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it? "Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

 

[DaGaffer]

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there."Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ..m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a
real problem with his Own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish
Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it? "Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

And the award for "oldest joke ever" goes to... Seriously, Babylonians were telling this one.

 

[Ormorof]

And the award for "oldest joke ever" goes to... Seriously, Babylonians were telling this one.

babylonians obviously had a good sense of humour then

 

[Dr_Weasel]

Whats "ET" short for?

Because hes only got little legs.

 

[nath]

lol, love that one

 

[Tenko]

Whats "ET" short for?

Because hes only got little legs.

That's my fave so far from the FHM "babe of the day"/Joke of the day calender

tbh it should be called "minger of the day calender". At least some of the jokes are funny


A friend of mine told me today that when he was little, Michael Jackson was a world class violinist. Apparently a mate of his had told him he was a mean kiddie fiddler.

 

[Brynn]

Where is Garry Glitter going on holiday?

He is off to Tampa with the Kids

 

[Chilly]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly
bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and really didn't want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, " I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes
he hugged me and said," we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:





















Always keep your condoms in your car.

literally laughed out loud - flatmates curious

 

[Ormorof]

found this picture today, thought it was quite amusing

 

[SilverHood]

TOM had worked hard for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit
his job and bought fifty acres of land in Arkansas as far from humanity
as possible. He saw the postman once a week and ordered his groceries
once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, there is a knock at
Tom's door. He opens it to find a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Buck, your neighbour from forty miles up the road," says the
man. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to
come. About five o'clock."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local people. Thank you."

As Buck is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you," he says, "There's gonna
be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"That's really not a problem either," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months. I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[Tom]

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.

He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.



"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the fuckers have managed to nick a motorbike already".

 

[old.user4556]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

 

[Ch3tan]

Fucking LOL. Nice one G

 

[Wij]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

I shouldn't laugh but I did a bit

 

[old.user4556]

Definitely one to forward round the work tomorrow.