Joke of the day

[Wazzerphuk]

Guys and Gals... please can we cut out the silly sniping at one another and just let this be a thread for laughs, as intended?

Someone needs to post something funny for that to happen though.

S'why I've always stuck out of the JOTD threads, a load of bollocks you've heard before. And not funny bollocks at that either, on the whole.

 

[Tom]

Bad Day at the Office
1998 Urban Legend
The sister of the deceased in Scuba Divers and Forest Fires shows us his last email message to her.
Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So here's what we do to keep warm: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, doesn't it? I've used it several times with no complaints.

When I get to the bottom and start working, what I do is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck and flood my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my itchy ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This
is even worse than poison ivy under a cast. I had put that hose down my back, but I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communications system. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 hellish in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to coat my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.

We've since modified the equipment to filter out most sea creatures.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to squash a jellyfish on your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

Original source: forwarded email in August 1999

 

[Deebs]

Nine months later



Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.



"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."



"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."



The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.



It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"



"Yes, I do." said Bob



"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?"



"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."



"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."



"Why do you ask?"



"She just died and left me everything."



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)



Now Keep that SMILE for the rest of the day !!!

(Taken from another board, no credit for it is mine but I am happy to accept any credit.....)

 

[Uncle Sick]

<snip>

That joke is like having sex without being able to climax...

 

[Frizz]

That joke is like having sex without being able to climax...

Hmm, that's funny, i thought it was a "feel good" joke.

False analogy tbh.

 

[Astfgl]

How to Bathe a Cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.












Sincerely,
The DOG

 

[Gef]

Men these days like their women like their coffee:
Imported from the third world at exploitatively low prices.

---------------------------

Jordan and Peter Andre were in the jungle doing some naughty touching.

Jordan suddenly sat up as she heard a noise and said to Peter, "Is that Johnny Rotten"?

"I hope not" said Peter. "It's my last one."

 

[Lazarus]

apparently the police have solved the mystery of what happned to the chinese cockle pickers. they had been told to pick the cockles until the water reached knee high!

Unfortunately, Nee Hi had stayed in the van.

 

[Uncle Sick]

Why couldn't the 12 year old get into that pirate movie?
































It was rated "Arrrr".




Har har... in memoriam of Pirate Day.

 

[granny]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

 

[Aoami]

What do you say to a scouser with a job?

Spoiler

Big Mac & Fries please mate.

 

[Aoami]

A fish swims into a wall. What does it say?

Spoiler

Damn.

 

[TdC]

it lives!!! iiiiit liiiiiiveeeesssss!!!

good / bad / worse

good: you have a vibrator
bad: you can't find it
worse: your daughter borrowed it

good: you still have access to your teen son's bedroom
bad: you find his pr0n stash
worse: you star in all his movies

good: you have an excellent parental relation with your kids
bad: they're very sexually active
worse: with each other

good: you and your husband have fun hobbies
bad: your husband's is being a transvestite
worse: he looks better than you

good: your son has "got religion"
bad: it's satanisme
worse: as the blood-offering

good: you have a wife
bad: she wants a divorce
worse: she's a lawyer

good: hot outdoor sex
bad: you get arrested
worse: by your husband

good: you sneak home for a quickie
bad: the mailman had the same idea
worse: the milkman was still there

good: you sneak home for a quickie
bad: your wife comes home unexpectedly
worse: the milkman was still there

good: you arrange for a stripper at a party
bad: it's your daughter
worse: the act involves your son

good: your boyfriend goes to a gym
bad: so he fits your clothes
worse: he looks better in them than you

good: your wife got you some pr0n
bad: your daughter stars in it
worse: with that nasty bloke from the office

good: your wife likes kinky sex
bad: with the neighbors
worse: all of them at once

 

[Lazarus]

Naming The Father For Child Support In England

Check out No.11 ... It has got to be the winner of the Nobel Prize for inventiveness!
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[TdC]

oh dear

 

[Tom]

Where's Maljonic these days?

 

[caLLous]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

Spoiler

If they were forced upon you as a child you probably dont like them now.

 

[Chilly]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

Spoiler

If they were forced upon you as a child you probably dont like them now.

oh, Evil!

 

[Sharma]

good / bad / worse
<snippage>

Rofl TdC, best read ive had in a while now.

 

[SawTooTH]

>>
>>Are you the weakest link?
>>
>>Below are three questions. You have to answer them instantly.
>>You can't take your time. Answer all of them immediately and
>>then quickly scroll down to check your responses.
>>
>>Ready? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
>>
>>Scroll down for the first question...
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>>First Question: You are participating in a race.
>>You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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>>Answer:
>>If you answer that you are first, then you are wrong!
>>If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
>>
>>
>>To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for >>the first question.
>>
>>Scroll down...
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>>Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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>>Answer:
>>If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
>>Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
>>You're not very good at this are you?
>>
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>>Third Question: Very tricky math!
>>Note: This must be done in your head only.
>>Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
>>Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
>>Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
>>
>>What is the total?
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>>Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
>>
>>Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence
>>confuses most peoples brains, which always jumps to the highest
>>decimals (100's instead of 10's).

LOL indeed!

I get 2100 for the last one. Take 1000 means -1000 +1000 = 0 +40+30 +20 +10 =100 plus the 2000= 2100

 

[Driwen]

I get 2100 for the last one. Take 1000 means -1000 +1000 = 0 +40+30 +20 +10 =100 plus the 2000= 2100

dont think take 1000 and add 40 means -1000+40, if it had said 40 and take 1000 from that it would be 40-1000, but it is rather clearly they mean that you start of with 1000 and then go on. However english isnt my mother language (let alone the english math language) so I might be wrong. But it is very clearly what is meant.

 

[Doh_boy]

Driwen is correct, it's the same as the 'very bad' stand up joke. Normally stand-ups say something along the lines of 'take my mother-in-law...etc' and proceed to tell a funny story. Some jewish comic (dunno his name) then became famous for saying 'take my wife.....please'. har har har I'm sure

In this case 'take 1000' means, in effect, 'start with 1000'. It's a nice metaphor for maths linking it to 'take 5 beans, add 3 beans more...etc'.

I think you get the point, further more I think you're just playing 'devils advocate'

 

[throdgrain]

Whats the only animal with a **** on its back ?
























A police horse.



















(Sorry)

 

[Sharma]

Driwen is correct, it's the same as the 'very bad' stand up joke. Normally stand-ups say something along the lines of 'take my mother-in-law...etc' and proceed to tell a funny story. Some jewish comic (dunno his name) then became famous for saying 'take my wife.....please'. har har har I'm sure

Uhhh, thought it was Groucho Marx who said that?

 

[Doh_boy]

Uhhh, thought it was Groucho Marx who said that?

mehh,

/me shrugs

 

[Lazarus]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

 

[caLLous]

 

[Tom]

*stupid joke*

That'd get you banned alright :kissit:

 

[Lazarus]

To My Dear Wife

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

• 54 times the sheets were clean
  17 times it was too late
  49 times you were too tired
  20 times it was too hot
  15 times you pretended to be sleep
  22 times you had a headache
  17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
  16 times you said you were too sore
  12 times it was the wrong time of the month
  19 times you had to get up early
  9 times you said weren't in the mood
  7 times you were sunburned
  6 times you were watching the late show
  5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
  3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
  9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

• 6 times you just laid there
  8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
  4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
  7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
  1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

==========================================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

• 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
  36 times you did not come home at all
  21 times you didn't cum
  33 times you came too soon
  19 times you went soft before you got in
  38 times you worked too late
  10 times you got cramps in your toes
  29 times you had to get up early to play golf
  2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
  4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
  3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
  2 times you had a splinter in your finger
  20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
  6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
  98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

• The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
  I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
  The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

[Darthshearer]

A you lad walks into a bar, orders a pint and sits down with his mates. An older man walks in, and is steaming.

He staggers up to the bar and orders his drink, and slumps at the bar when he spots the young lad.

"Oi you Kid I sha$$ed your mum"

The young lad ignores him and carries on drinking.

"Oi you kid, it was right up the ar$e too"

Again the young lad tries to ignore it and continues drinking, but is a little annoyed at this.

"Oi you Kid, she gave me a nlow job too"

The young Kid stand up and shouts

"Dad F8$k off home your pi$$ed"