Joke of the day

[Lamp]

Powdered Bleach, and Brake Fluid. Although this does not
pertain to electronics, it is a cheap, and easy way to start
a quick, large fire. Since these two ingredients are easy to
conceal, the chances of getting caught are slim.
Put the powdered bleach in a pile, next to, or on
whatever you want to light up. Pour about the same amount of
brake fluid on the bleack (enough to cover bleach pile).
A few seconds after mixing, you should notice some
bubbling or fizzing. At this point, stand back...the mixture
will give off a potent toxic chlorine gas. Depending on the
quality an amount of materials used, the fizzing will continue
for another 30 seconds to 2 minutes. The final result will be a
large colum of flame. Using a 3 inch pile of chlorine, I
obtained a 3 foot colum of fire.

 

[Ch3tan]

What the fuck?

 

[old.user4556]

Hmmmm.

 

[Chilly]

nice joke....

/notes for future reference.

 

[babs]

oh, wait

I get it

that is GENIUS

you see what he did there

he made a funny about FLAMES!!!!

Bow down to your new overlord infidels!!

 

[TdC]

muh. need a hand? still, it may well be funnier than some of the other things in this thread...

 

[MYstIC G]

Got this one sent to me by txt. It may offend some people, so read it at your own risk, blah blah blah, doesn't represent my own views, blah blah blah, Chet = ****, blah blah blah

Spoiler

Did you hear about the cop who shot that bloke on the underground?

He's been kicked off the pub pool team because anyone who needs 5 shots to sink a black dont deserve to play!

 

[Brynn]

haha

 

[throdgrain]

Two Muslims in Millets trying on rucksacks.
One says to the other

"does my bom look big in this?"

 

[Chilly]

~shakes head~

 

[Dommers]

Whats the difference between Muslims and smarties..

Smarties dont blow up in the tube!

 

[old.user4556]

•◘○♦♣♠☺☻♥

 

[nath]

Whats the difference between Muslims and smarties..

Smarties dont blow up in the tube!

Hurray for racism!

 

[old.user4556]

Uh oh, here's the PC brigade.

Nath, what's being Muslim go to do with race? Last time I checked, Muslim was a follower of Islam and fuck all to do with race, since any colour/race can follow Islam.

Edit: it's ok to say "colour" yeah? Should I really be saying "ethnicity"? Mods, feel free to send me patronising PMs if i've been unintentionally racist and edit my post.

 

[nath]

Uh oh, here comes the anti-PC brigade!

So if I call you a fucking dirty jew- that's not racism, that's anti-semitism. Big fucking whoop, it's the same shit, different name.

A couple of muslims blow themselves up and kill some people and now we can make jokes about the entire faith? Lets apply the same logic - I'm sure a few black people have been rapists, therefor I should be able to make the following joke.

Why do nig.gers cry during sex?
The Mace.

Funny stuff. Really.

 

[old.user4556]

Not just a couple nath, probably (a wild stab in the dark guess here...) every suicide attack (abroad and home) in recent memory has been performed by an islamic extremist.

Does it make it right to crack jokes? Pfff, I personally don't really care. He who is without sin and hasn't ever cracked a mild "religious/race" joke judge it.

What bothers me on this forum is the inability to even discuss/talk about/inject comedy into race/religion/current affairs without someone screaming OmGZ RASHaLIzM!!.

 

[nath]

And what bugs me is your inability to see the difference between making light of a nasty situation and an actual racist comment. Making a joke about ALL muslims when an EXTREME minority of them have commited such an act or even approve of it - is racism.

 

[old.user4556]

So if someone says:

Whats the difference between extreme minority islamic extremists, and smarties..

Smarties dont blow up in the tube!

That's ok?

But it's also perfectly accurate to say:

"Extreme minority islamic extremists are all muslims".

That's not ok because to you that would come across as labelling all muslims as suicide bombers?

Please....

We're getting into the wonderful realms of PC terminology. Nath, I have a book just for you that I think you would like.

 

[nath]

I can't believe you don't see that it's racist - and to further your arguement you're putting words in to my mouth. Well done!

I'd not have a problem with you saying "Extreme minority islamic extremists are all muslims" given that it's a tautology. However, that joke is making fun of the entire muslim population because of a few psycho extremists. Stop being such a fucking hypocrite - you'd totally have a problem with that joke if it was about jews/black people/asians/whatever.

 

[old.user4556]

Because Nath, where do you draw the line? (btw Nath, i'm enjoying this discussion and I love you lots )

In one sentence, you can't say jokes about muslims yet you can say jokes about islamic extremists who have a) race (muslim in your view) and b) colour; so basically any joke referring to religion or race is off limits?

If I told a Paddy and Mick joke, would you still call me a racist? Afterall, i'm suggesting/inferring that all Irish people are stupid and backwards.

What about a typical "priest, minister and a rabbi" joke that make fun of a certain aspect of each religion (such as circumcision, for instance)? They're equally religions like Islam (and not a race), but I don't see that being a big deal? Again, telling such a joke would be suggesting that *all* Jews/Catholics/Protestants protrayed the traits mocked in the joke.

Where is the line.

Whilst I don't think the "joke" is racist, it is indeed in bad taste (and pretty shit really) and I wouldn't voice it again.

I'll never forget the awesome line in Blackadder the second where Edmund suggests it's cold to Lady Whiteadder. She replies, "Cold?! Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics!". Brilliant comedy, but there's no way of any comedy like that these days in the PC generation.

Do you think that's racist too?

 

[nath]

Generally the priest/minister/rabbi jokes aren't especially offensive to either - they're just vague teasing. I'm not sure you can draw a line when it comes to things like this however I feel that that joke was so far beyond it you wouldn't need to. The paddy and mick jokes - dunno not really heard many. I know there's lots of "stupid irish" jokes which imo are pretty racist. Just because they were acceptable a while back doesn't mean they still should be.

I just find it hard to distinguish between that muslim joke and jokes that you'd actually consider racist - other than the fact that islam is a religion not a race, I don't see that it makes a difference though.

edit: as for the Blackadder joke - I don't see that as racist, I see that as mocking racism, much how Family Guy does in so many eps (particularly in When You Wish Upon a Weinstein)

 

[throdgrain]

Hope I didnt start this, I just thought it was funny thats all

 

[Louster]

Big G - your arguments suck.

That's ok?

But it's also perfectly accurate to say:

"Extreme minority islamic extremists are all muslims".

That's not ok because to you that would come across as labelling all muslims as suicide bombers?

I don't get what your point here is. Obviously, all "Islamic extremists" are Muslim - that's a tautology (edit - actually, even a statement like this is debatable, due to the semantic differences between 'Islamic' and 'Islamist' I mention below). Equally obviously, not all Muslims are extremists/fundamentalists. Which is exactly the problem that nath has with the joke - it implies that being Muslim is equivalent to being an Islamic extremist. (I could go one further and point out that being an Islamic extremist doesn't even necessarily imply being a terrorist, but I'm not well read enough on Islamic extremism to really know what I'm talking about. (I could go further still and point out the differences between "Islamic" and "Islamist" and how they relate to terrorism/extremism, but that would bloat out this post even more.))

Regardless of your "oh noes it's the PC brigade" stuff, I'd be surprised if you thought that generalisation or prejudice were good things.

 

[old.user4556]

cba

 

[MYstIC G]

Oi... *****... tell jokes or get the fuck out of this thread!

 

[Ch3tan]

Actually I heard that joke before, I found it funny when it was "whats the difference between a suicide bomber and smarties". Changing it to "muslim" takes away the humour and does make it rascist. IMO.

 

[Lazarus]

Oi... *****... tell jokes or get the fuck out of this thread!

ditto!

 

[WPKenny]

Why do women have PMT?

Spoiler

THEY JUST DO!!! OKAY???

 

[Nala]

Actually I heard that joke before, I found it funny when it was "whats the difference between a suicide bomber and smarties". Changing it to "muslim" takes away the humour and does make it rascist. IMO.

I heard it as 'Whats the difference between cockneys and smarties? ... Smarties don't melt in the tube"

Which makes more sense imo

 

[Lazarus]

If the Government got its way.......

Scene: The Post Office

When: The not-too-distant future...

Customer: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.

Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things up by using your new identity card?

Customer: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.

PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it. Is this the tax on the clapped-out Astra?

Customer: Yes.

PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jesus that wasn't cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off your licence in August - that's something to look forward to. [censored] hell, that Magistrate really hammered you didn't he? Probably took exception to that membership of the Young Communists back in your student days. Six months or twelve?

Customer: I was only in the party for four months...

PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.

Customer: Oh right. Twelve.

PO: How would you like to pay?

Customer: Barclaycard.

PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the Capital One Card?

Customer: I don't have one.

PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using that is in Glasgow at the moment buying DVD players. He's run up quite a bill for you there mate. Try the Switch card.

Customer: Here you go.

PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the transaction. Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV licence has expired. Are you going to pay that too?

Customer: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.

PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're at it? Two weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see you're flying BA. Good choice.

Customer: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed notes.

PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a bite out of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee direct debit is due out of the account tomorrow. Right, there you go. Have a nice day sir.

Later ... Tesco checkout

Customer: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel insurance policy?

Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you have any current health problems?

Customer: No, nothing.

Tesco: You sure, sir?

Customer: Yes, why?

Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.

Customer: Oh, that was nothing serious.

Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer Giles... No that wont be a problem. Probably sitting on cheap charter flight seats that's to blame. I see you're going British Airways this time around, though. Very wise. Oops, pressed the wrong button.
[Picture of Customer's hideously empiled bottom appears on every plasma screen in the shop, accompanied by name, address, telephone number and email address].

Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried Anusol?

Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT. Garage not keen on Communists?

Customer: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these frozen peas?

Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that you don't have a genetic predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to scan your genome... I understand. You're in a bit of a hurry. Very good sir. Next please.

Later again ... At the Bank

Customer: Hello, I'd like to open a deposit account please.

Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?

Customer: Do I have to?

BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft while ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits receive them. And it will prevent all forms of terrorism, everywhere, for ever.

Customer: Yes of course. Here you go...

BC: Right Sir, how may I help? Would you like a cushion?

Customer: Sorry?

BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?

Customer: Can we just do the bank account?

BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account with us but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that until pay-day. Hmmm... Oh dear this Capital One Account is all over the place and your Barclaycard is
at the limit.................