Joke of the day

[Tsjiep]

An Eskimo goes to Wales for a holiday. When driving in his rental he sees a gigantic cloud of smoke comming from under the hood. He stops, steps out of the car, opens the hood and starts ranting and raving.

A local chubby Welshman comes up to him and asks if he can take a peep at the problem.

Welshmen: "Dear God it seems you've blown a seal my dear chap"

Eskimo: "So what... YOU **** SHEEP!!!!"

Thank You

 

[kippa]

An Eskimo goes to Whales for a holiday.

Wheres Whales?

 

[Embattle]

Wheres Whales?

I think its part of the joke old chap

 

[Tsjiep]

Now I am lost

 

[MYstIC G]

W A L E S

 

[Tsjiep]

Oops... I totally fecked it up there didn't I

 

[Lemming]

*chuckles*

 

[Darthshearer]

heard it before its a good one Oh and its not part of the joke

 

[Froggeh]

There were three young nuns who had been behaving very well. One day, the mother superior said to them out of the blue "Sisters, you have all behaved perfectly lately and just for that I want you to go out and do something bad for a change"

Off they went. An hour later, they reported back to the mother superior.

The first nun came back and said 'I robbed a bank'

The mother superior replied, 'That's alright dear, just take a sip from the holy water and you will be cleansed of your sin'.

The second nun came back and said 'I stole a car'

The mother superior repeated 'That's alright dear, just take a sip from the holy water now and you will cleansed of your sin'.

The third nun came back and said, 'I pissed in the holy water.'

 

[Tsjiep]

I am writing this using my wap mobile which totally sucks arse... and the train im in aint helping.

anyway...

a young, midle aged and old couple want to join the local chuch. the priest told them hat if they could fight the temptation of sex for 4 weeks, then they could join.

after 4 weeks the couples return. first the priest runs to the old couple and asks them how it went.

"no problem." they said and the priest congratulated them. he then went to the middle aged couple and asked them how it went.

"the first 2vweek where no problem but i had to sleep in the basement afterwards" said the couple and the priest welcomed them to the church. the priest then went to the young couple and asked hem how it went.

"well.... the 1st week was ok... the 2nd it got really hard... then the 3rd week my wife was cooking and... when she had to bend over to open the oven... well i just had to take advantage of her right there and then..." the young man explained.

this prompted the priest to inform them that the would not be allowed to come to the church.

"we understand" the young man said. "... we aren't allowed to come to my parents house again either"
1

 

[Bob007]

A man was sitting at tha bar in his local, enjoying an after work drink when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young lady walks in. She is so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition" Shocked the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want and do it in 3 words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his coat pocket and slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young womans hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and said, slowly and meaningfully, "Paint my house."

 

[SFXman]

A priest and a rabbi went to a car dealer and bought a car together.
The next day as the rabbi is walking back to their hour, he notices the priest sprinkling the car with water...
The rabbi asks, "What are you doing?"
The priest replies, "I am blessing this car."
The rabbi then says, "Aha, I see..."
The rabbi then proceeds to cut a few inches off the exhaust.

 

[Simon]

Sigh!

 

[SFXman]

He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE". He thought this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car. He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the feller asked him if he could see it.

They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette. "1969, 396 Cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission", the old man said. The feller asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?", he asked.

As the feller snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far". This feller turned the key and that car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelieveable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3 minutes and all of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop and got out. To his fear, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk.

Meanwhile, down the road...

A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she had a date and the other said she had homework to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then Dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes then what they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room.

There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the door saw the family throught the window. He knocked again but nobody answered. He walked in. "Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said...hey, food! Do you mind if I have some?" The stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked dad if he minded if he had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her. Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He walked back into the living and asked dad if he could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her into the bedroom and had sex with her, too. Later, sitting at the table, after more beer, mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took mom into the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living room and stood in front of dad.

"Hey, do you have any Vaseline?", he asked dad.

And dad said, "Alright alright! I'll wash the damn dishes."

 

[Lazarus]

IRONY :

FELIX POWELL- Music Composer

Story: Powell, then a British staff sargeant, wrote the music for "Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag and Smile, Smile, Smile" in 1915 and entered it in a WWI competition for the best morale building song. The song won first prize and has been called "perhaps the most optimistic song ever written."

Final Irony: Powell committed suicide in 1942.


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NIC MARCURA - A Yugoslavian farmer

Story: Sensing that his end was near, Marcura set to work digging his own grave.

Final Irony: According to news reports, "in a sudden cloudburst, water began to fill up the hole. Marcura tried to bail it out with a bucket, slipped in, and drowned."


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BOBBY LEACH - A professional daredevil

Story: In 1911, Leach, who made his living risking his life, went over Niagra Falls in a barrel. He survived the attempt.

Final Irony: Fifteen years later, in 1926, Leach slipped on an orange peel...and died from injuries sustained in the fall.


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JOHANN UNDERWALD - A Swiss mathematician

Story: Underwald, one of the brightest stars in his field, was described by his peers as "the next Albert Einstein."

Final Irony: Underwald died in October 1999. Cause of dead: Mathematical error; Underwald "made a 250-foot bungee jump with a 300-foot bungee cord, and died immediately on impact."


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ALAN BARKLEY - Former U.S vice president

Story: On April 30, 1956, Barkley delivered a speech at a mock political convention at Washington and Lee University.

Final Irony: Moments after declaring to his audience, "I would rather sit at the feet of the lord, then dwell in the house of the mighty," Barkely keeled over and died.

and 1 more quickie....

*** "A Swedish man sliding down a a ski run in California, crashed into a lift tower and died. He was sliding on a makeshift sled of yellow foam. The lift towers are meant to be cushioned by this foam, and the tower he hit was the one from which he had stolen the foam to make his sled."

 

[dysfunction]

Pets Diary

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite

9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

11:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mum! My favorite!

6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!



EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183 Of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors
by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must
try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their
bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY
power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit.

The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is
only a matter of time...

 

[Tenko]

hehe, niceone Dys

 

[Scooba da Bass]

NIC MARCURA - A Yugoslavian farmer

JOHANN UNDERWALD - A Swiss mathematician

ALAN BARKLEY - Former U.S vice president

These are bollocks. Stealing unfunny crap from bad websites is always a bad idea.

 

[Astfgl]

GRAHAM was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in Excellent Shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 Pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink Running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
:kissit:

 

[Munkey]

nah. Dys's is funnier

Heh.

 

[Astfgl]

For all of that cat diary, go here;

Cat Diary

Worth a giggle.

 

[Scooba da Bass]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Spoiler

The holocaust.

 

[Louster]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust.

VICTORY.

 

[Scooba da Bass]

Here is another for you Louster;

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humor in the sutuation, the child replied

Spoiler

"No. No I don't."

 

[Kryten]

A woman is shot in the tit 3 times and rushed to hospital.
When she finally awakes, the doctor sits her up and says
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. In order for you to live, we must remove your damaged breast. If we do not do so, you will die"
"Never!" the woman replies. "I can't go around with just one breast. Ill take the risk"
So after being suitably patched up, she goes on her way, and after a couple of weeks she reports back to her doctor that she is still alive.
"Well that is indeed good news, however you will now have to live with those 3 bullets inside your breast for the rest of your life."

The woman accepts this and goes on to have a family of 3 children, 2 daughters and a son.

One day, one daughter comes down and tells her mum that whilst having a wee, a Bullet emerged.
The mother runs her child through the incident and explains how it occured.

Another day, the other daughter comes downstairs and tells mum that whilst having a wee, a Bullet emerged.
Again, the mother explains the incident.

Soon afterwards, her Son comes downstairs.
"Don't tell me" the mother says. "You were having a wee and..."
"No mother. I was having a wank and I've just shot the cat"

 

[Scooba da Bass]

Why do women fake orgasms?

Spoiler

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

 

[Jonaldo]

Had another half a shandy tonight Scooba?

 

[Scooba da Bass]

Stop trolling!!!!!!

PS Who are you again?

 

[Jonaldo]

I'm some internet browsing, forum posting nobody. Same as everybody else.

 

[Butchy Tongington]

So there's three bee keepers are having a pint and sharing info on thier life as a bee keeper, the older gent starts the bragging,
"I've been a bee farmer for 10 years, I have 5 hives and a million bees"

The Middleaged fellow feeling he can "one-up" the elder fellow interjects,
"I've been a beekeeper for 10 years, I have 10 hives and 2 million bees"

The younger fellow, puts down his shandy...
"I've got you all beat" he says "I've got, 2 Millions Bees and only one hive"

"ONLY ONE HIVE!" the two other fellows say in shock

"yeah" says the younger man.... "fuck 'em"

Spoiler

P.S. Tom Cruise lives at the end of the Last Samurai