Joke of the day

[Tom]

Bungee Jump

Chap says you jump on 3 yes?

Jumper agrees.

Chap starts counting and as planned the jumper jumps on 3

Only for the other chap to shout 'NO NOT YET' just as his feet leave the platform...

 

[Doomy]

Guy walks into the doctors with massive pains in his asshole. 'Doctor, please mate I feel awful, my ass is KILLING me'. Doctor tells the guy to turn round, drop his trousers and bend over so he can have a look. The doctor is amazed to find loads of little pound coins in there. 25 minutes or so later the doctor says to the guy, 'Mate I just pulled £1999 out of your asshole!'. Guy says, 'Told you I werent feeling too grand'.

 

[Lester]

I read that too quickly and thought it said "massive penis in his asshole"

Freudian slip?

 

[old.user4556]

Old, but still funny .

 

[dysfunction]

What was unusual about Michael Jackson only dangling the child off the balcony?

Spoiler

He usually tosses them off

What's better than grease on Olivia Newton John ?

Spoiler

'Come on Eileen'

What goes 'OOooooo' ?

Spoiler

a cow with no lips

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?

Spoiler

One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

Spoiler

When the big hand touches the little hand

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?

Spoiler

The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out

 

[Munkey]

Heh, the cow one made me giggle

 

[Bullitt]

Why are Michael Jacksons pants so small?

Spoiler

Because they're not his.

 

[Wij]

roffle at the greyhound one

 

[Frizz]

I hate this thread, but I liked this:

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

 

[Ormorof]

The Clever Professor

a story with an important lesson....

a professor stood infornt of his students, when the lecture had begun he took a large glass that he filled with stones that were circa 5cm in diameter. when no more stones could fit in the glass he asked his students, "Is the glass full now?"

all the students agreed that the glass was indeed full as no more stones could fit in, and that was that.

then the professor took out a bag of smaller stones, and poured them into the glass until no more could fit in. he asked again "Is the glass full now?"

again the students agreed that the glass was full as no more small stones could fit in the gaps between the large stones.

when the professor now took out a bag of sand the students simply grinned, as he could easily pour the sand into the glass, he did this until the glass could hold no more sand

"now" he said, "imagine this glass is your life! the big stones are the important things in your life, family, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, health and other such things, if you loose everything else but these things, your lives will still be full lives."

" the smaller stones are the things that are not as important, like a house, job, car and the sand is everything else"

"if you fill the glass with sand or small stones then there is no room for the big important stones! the same counts for your lives, if you spend all your energy on small unimportant things is there no time left for the important stuff."

"always focus on the important things then you will live a happy life, play with your children, set time for visit to the doctors so everything is ok with your health, go out with your partner and there will still be time to go to work, clean up the house and all the other 'sand and small stones' "

"fill your life with the big stones and the rest can come afterwards!"

the professor now looked around at his students and takes a beer out and pours nice and carefully into the glass into the tiny spaces between stones and sand, he then turns to his students and says,

"and the moral of the story is no matter what happens in your life, theres always room for a beer! cheers!"

 

[.Wilier.]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of
the UK Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from
Romford & Southend.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from the Romford & Southend areas were able
to remove wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the
Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international
recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and
lost in the pits, Ferrari now has an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than it bargained for..... At
the crew's first practice session, the Romo/Sotho pit crew
successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within
12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to
the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of Charlie and
some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

 

[Doh_boy]

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at The Warehouse. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" Arnold Brown at The Stand

 

[Tom]

http://hotlinktrackerv20.wimp.com/v/impressions.wmv

 

[old.user4556]

Fantastic Tom

 

[dysfunction]

Here is one for the likes of Wij and Trem....ahem

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ..........




"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".

 

[Lamp]

GRAHAM was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in Excellent Shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 Pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink Running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
:kissit:

There's a similar gag to this - only its a gorilla lol

 

[Lazarus]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

 

[babs]

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing
about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat
the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and
looks at the second mouse.

The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so toughI run through a
mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back &
benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slams down his tequila and
looks at the third mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins
walking away from the bar.

The other mice scream, "Oi! Whoose!, where do you think you're going?!

The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat."

 

[Lazarus]

A man met a woman and fell madly in love with her. He asked her to marry
him right away. Her response was: "But we don't know each other at all,
what if we don't get on?"

The man said that was a chance he was prepared to take and he felt that
he loved her so much straight away that he was sure it would work and
they could get to know each other during their marriage.

So the woman agreed, they married and went away on honeymoon where they
found they were very compatible. They were lazing by the poolside one
day when the husband said he fancied a swim and his wife watched him as
he climbed up to the very highest diving board and leapt off backwards.

He did a triple spin, a forward turn and a double back-flip (piked)
before entering the water with barely a ripple. The wife was amazed.

When the husband came back to her she said: "Blimey! I didn't know you
could swim like that!"

He replied: "Oh yes, I used to be an Olympic diver in my youth and was
the champion for ten years running."

They agreed that there was lots to learn about each other and that it
was fun finding out. Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived
into the water, swam 150 lengths, got out of the water and lay on her
sun lounger barely out of breath.

The husband was amazed. He said: "I can't believe it, did you used to be
an Olympic swimmer too?"

She replied: "Oh no, I used to be a prostitute in Glasgow but I worked
both sides of the river."

 

[Lazarus]

I found this hilarious.

Needs sound, but isnt THAT offensive!

http://www.asur61.dsl.pipex.com/3MenonaB.WMA

 

[Lamp]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Spoiler

The holocaust.

What's so fucking funny about that ?

I can just see the survivors of the holocaust ROFL

Twat

 

[babs]

WOOOP WOOOOP WOOOOOP

THIS IS THE P.C. POLICE, PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND STEP AWAY FROM THE JOKE.

Nothing to see here, move along.


--------

Are you going to go back through the rest of the jokes and stand up for the rest of them?

 

[Ch3tan]

But the holocaust is much worse than a worm. Especially in an apple. Its factual and funny.

 

[Brynn]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “£60,000”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing…. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

 

[old.user4556]

Come on Brynn, you know that's hideously old

 

[Brynn]

Come on Brynn, you know that's hideously old

but funney though

/offtopic you been on your roadtrip yet G?

 

[Panda On Smack]

Originally Posted by Scooba da Bass

I miss Ben

 

[old.user4556]

but funney though

/offtopic you been on your roadtrip yet G?

Yeah, still a good 'un

Roadtrip: I had to cancel last minute, I had a run in with a mate who was going on the trip with me - we weren't speaking so I decided to kill my involvement. My mates hired an MPV and went; it was pissing with rain the weekend they went anyway so it would have sucked for my driving pleasure.

I'll probably do it next year now and plan it for July instead of May, still too wet in Scotland in May.

 

[Brynn]

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

[MYstIC G]

lol pld Brynn