Joke of the day
- Thread starter Tsjiep
- Start date
SoWat
Loyal Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 305
One of my wife's friends insists on emailing me every joke that gets sent to her. This one could have been written about her though, so yer 'tis
Subject: Drive Thru Cash Dispensers
Barclays Bank announces new "Drive-Thru" cash dispensers.
Barclays Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new
"Drive-thru" cash point machines where our customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers to
make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive
behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.
Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them for when you
use our new machines for the first time.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
Drive up to the cash machine.
Wind down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Wind up window.
Drive off.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.
Restart stalled engine.
Wind down window.
Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
Turn radio down.
Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive
distance from car.
Insert card.
After "Invalid Card" displayed - remove "Marks & Spencer" Charge card and
insert correct Cash Point card.
Remove Cash Point Card
Reinsert Cash Point card right way up
Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page..
Enter PIN.
Enter "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Check make-up in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt.
Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
Place receipt in back of cheque book.
Recheck makeup.
Drive forward 2 meters.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into slot provided.
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Drive for 2-3 miles.
Release handbrake
Subject: Drive Thru Cash Dispensers
Barclays Bank announces new "Drive-Thru" cash dispensers.
Barclays Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new
"Drive-thru" cash point machines where our customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers to
make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive
behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.
Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them for when you
use our new machines for the first time.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
Drive up to the cash machine.
Wind down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Wind up window.
Drive off.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.
Restart stalled engine.
Wind down window.
Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
Turn radio down.
Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive
distance from car.
Insert card.
After "Invalid Card" displayed - remove "Marks & Spencer" Charge card and
insert correct Cash Point card.
Remove Cash Point Card
Reinsert Cash Point card right way up
Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page..
Enter PIN.
Enter "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Check make-up in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt.
Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
Place receipt in back of cheque book.
Recheck makeup.
Drive forward 2 meters.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into slot provided.
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Drive for 2-3 miles.
Release handbrake
Doh_boy
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 1,007
What about united signing Lee Martin that made me chuckle!SparKeh said:but for the goal.. come on
im an utd man btwanyway there was nothing saying shearer would have missed or howard might have saved etc
anyway back to the subject
Lazarus
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 2,874
Dear Whiners and Complainers...
Two months ago was my 43rd birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children never said a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good Morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and I enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch...naked.
It was all down hill from there. My wife left with the kids, my boss fired me, my friends hated me, I couldn't afford the payments on the car and I had to sell it, I started eating to much and gained weight. I moved to another town and got a job i and I am trying to start a new life here.
So I have a message for all of you who morons who had a bad day and are sitting there complaining about it.
SHUT UP
because if you think you have it bad, look
MY LIFE SUCKS!
Two months ago was my 43rd birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children never said a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good Morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and I enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch...naked.
It was all down hill from there. My wife left with the kids, my boss fired me, my friends hated me, I couldn't afford the payments on the car and I had to sell it, I started eating to much and gained weight. I moved to another town and got a job i and I am trying to start a new life here.
So I have a message for all of you who morons who had a bad day and are sitting there complaining about it.
SHUT UP
because if you think you have it bad, look
MY LIFE SUCKS!
Scooba da Bass
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2003
- Messages
- 500
Lazarus said:
You appear to have forgotten the punchline. To rectify that here's a joke;
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead fall out of an airplane, who hits the ground first?
It all depends on wind resistance, but the times would most likely be comparable.
SilverHood
FH is my second home
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2003
- Messages
- 2,302
A National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
Lazarus
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 2,874
Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Scooba da Bass
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2003
- Messages
- 500
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head under water until she can no longer hold her breath and thus must inhale water.
Lazarus
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 2,874
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds
> >>2.5 models
> >>463 wild nymphos
> >>3,234 good-looking nymphos
> >>20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
> >>40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.
No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds
> >>2.5 models
> >>463 wild nymphos
> >>3,234 good-looking nymphos
> >>20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
> >>40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.
No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
Scooba da Bass
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2003
- Messages
- 500
Lazarus said:
Wow, you took a bad joke and made it even worse, good work!
dysfunction
FH is my second home
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,709
Scooba da Bass said:
Scooba da Bass
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2003
- Messages
- 500
>>Lazarus said:
>>Are you the weakest link?
>>
>>Below are three questions. You have to answer them instantly.
>>You can't take your time. Answer all of them immediately and
>>then quickly scroll down to check your responses.
>>
>>Ready? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
>>
>>Scroll down for the first question...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>First Question: You are participating in a race.
>>You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Answer:
>>If you answer that you are first, then you are wrong!
>>If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
>>
>>
>>To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for >>the first question.
>>
>>Scroll down...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Answer:
>>If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
>>Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
>>You're not very good at this are you?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Third Question: Very tricky math!
>>Note: This must be done in your head only.
>>Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
>>Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
>>Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
>>
>>What is the total?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
>>
>>Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence
>>confuses most peoples brains, which always jumps to the highest
>>decimals (100's instead of 10's).
LOL indeed!
