hmm I *think* I've just broken up with my girlfriend

[TdC]

but in true girly fashion she has managed to tell me that A) she is so riddled with doubt that she's doing the "right thing" that she can't possibly be with me anymore and B) she loves me so that she doesn't want to be without me ever. within the space of 5 minutes.

she has tried her utmost to explain to me that the fact that there's nothing wrong with us, our relationship, my/her friends all like her/me, my mother and her parents like(s) her/me, the fact that everything comes naturally and that we hardly ever argue, the fact that we see eye to eye on just about everything and the fact that she has nothing to complain about and all is good (her literal words) drive her to believe that something must be wrong and that we can't be together.

the above, I do not understand. then she said something I did understand, and that is because everything comes so naturally she doesn't have the feeling that she has to fight for anything. she doesn't feel inspired by "us". there is no "mystery" to our relationship (now we are in the fringes of dodgyness again but I still get the idea) and she thinks that because I'm such a nice bloke (and I am. tbh I'm the archetype "nice bloke", like other nice blokes come to me for guidence you know) I'll let her walk all over me and defer to her in all things. while this isn't quite true (I actually have limits) I do tend to go along with many of her ideas (remember the seeing eye to eye thing?) because they are good ideas and I don't mind. it seems being an easy-going bloke isn't good in relationships. she wants me to make major issues of things (that I don't consider important) so she knows how I stand, but surely my agreement tells her that? jeebus h christ I wish I could understand female logic.

anyway, this morning she's sad and refuses to tell me anything more. I have the idea that she wants me to break it off with her so she gets the easy way out. I'm almost inclined to give it to her, because even though I really like her and do not want our relationship to be over I couldn't possibly handle the idea of her being in this thing against her will. her doubts cause her grief, and that hurts me muchly. breaking it off may be the pain to make the other pain go away.

 

[Ch3tan]

Been in a similar place, except I tried to hold on and it did just make things bad.

It sucks, but I think your right with the breaking it off thing, who knows she might realise she has made a mistake.

 

[Xtro]

I've literally just crawled out of bed Andy but...

first things first - sorry to hear about your woes . Really sorry mate and the other thing - erm are you sure her and my Tank Girl aren't fkin related?!

Seriously this is just the kind of thing my ex would come out with. Isn't your lady quite young if I remember? The difference between your lady and my ex though is that she sounds like she wants what a lot of girls seem to want - to go out with a bastard.

Why the fk do they do it? Well I think they feel they need a bit of excitement from a bastard/cad type like figure. I'm not saying you are boring or anything mate! I'm saying that she maybe sees your laid back nature as a problem - and that maybe you and her are just coasting along. Has she had much experience in relationships? Many other long ones etc? Tank Girl only had one big relationship before I came along and seemed to judge that as the blueprint that all relationships should be built on, big mistake.

Well I better get ready for work but hope you manage to perk up a bit mate. At the end of the day if its meant to be you will work it out.

All the best.

 

[babs]

Sounds like a lot of bollocks to me. Not what you're saying, just the things she is, she sounds desperate for an excuse. I've never heard of 'everything being ok and nothing wrong' as an excuse to break something off.

As for the mystery going, well, that's what happens - it's called getting to know one another. It happens to everyone in a medium-long term relationship. I would take it personally, but I'm just a bit like that, it shows a total lack of trust in you to think you must be hiding something bad because everything's too good.

Obviously I (and everyone else) can only really go on what you've said, but it sounds to me at least that she just wants a way out and is resorting to utter nonsense to get it. She (and you) won't find mystery in anyone you go out with for long enough, but that's a GOOD thing. Consistency and reliability are one of the great things about a strong relationship, probably one of those 'you won't miss it til it's gone' type things. She may just be scared of committment and be longing for the days of being free and single and the jitters of a new romance, but it's totally unacceptable to use it as an excuse to wreck a relationship.

If it does all end, at least you found out sooner rather than much later, I would ask for a better explanation though, hell, I'd demand one. I for one would be fking fuming if I got dumped because everything was totally fine and normal.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Make it rough.

Make it "mysterious".

She's getting bored in a comfortable relationship so my advice to you...


Tell her to f**k off, even if you don't mean it. Disappear for two days, come back and ask what's on telly. You know the tricks. From what i've read, she's worth being a bastard every now and then

 

[Gengi]

TdC, sounds more like she is angling for either a break up or a pace change. I don't know what to say, being an old married git, I am tempted to say roll over and fart, that usually winds them up and certainly brings a spark, or at least a slap, back.
I hope it turns out well, and you remain happy.

Later

p.s. no-one who has a penis can ever understand the workings of the female mind.

 

[Wij]

oooh - rough stuff Andy. Mucho sympathy

Women tend to think that there's something wrong if you are laid back. They seem to think it means you don't care. I'm as laid back as they come and I get this problem all the time.

If it was me I'd bite the bullet and loudly demand an explanation. Probably best you judge the situation for yourself tho

 

[babs]

p.s. no-one who has a penis can ever understand the workings of the female mind.

Unless she has it in a jar under the bed...

 

[Will]

Eep. From the sounds of it, I'd take a couple of days away from her, clear your head, and see what you want to do. Then tell her.

Sucks though, when this sort of shit happens.

 

[SAS]

Tdc this happened to me, the exact same way apart from my girlfriend at the time decided to tell me all that over the phone hundreds of miles away.

There's two things happening here. Tbh this is pub talk, easier to chat about it over a few pints than write a reply in a post :/

1) She might feel your relationship is stale, and not spontatous enough. By all means don't change who you are as that will never work, always be yourself. However you might want to look at changing from the norm. I don't know much about what you and your gf get up to, but do you find yourself doing the same rountine every week? If so this is probably part of the reason she is acting this way at the moment. Also do you spend a lot of time together? Do you do your own things, see friends alone once in a while?

2) The spark might of gone. It's horrible and if this is the case the only thing to do would be to fight. Changes have to be made and break from the norm. I can't give any suggestions as I need to know more really :/

One positive is she is still there with you, and not upped and left so I think my first point is what is probably going on atm?

Either way tdc sit her down now and get her to talk about it. Get to the root of it.

Good luck mate

 

[Ivan]

Ladies tend to forget that the relationship is not a given, then get lost in words trying to explain the frigging unexplainable that is women logic. Now this may be drastic but it usually works for me :

Go to a quiet place on a neutral territory and get talking, now to cut down the amount of uncomprehendible lines, ask direct questions ie: Do you want this relationship to end right now ? If she starts phrasing an essay on that topic, tell her to answer yes/no. If the answer is Yes (she wants to see the end of it) then, wish her well and walk away (but my money is on the fact that she will try to contact you within next few days). If the answer is No the discussion continues, the next logical step would be to ask : Do you like where we are in the relationship right now ? Yes/No etc.
You get the idea, mate ?

Now this is my theory that you have to be in control of the relationship.
Be prepared though, it does hurt to hear an unexpected answer.

Ultimately, by the looks of things it will be easier to walk away

Good luck, mate.

 

[Bym]

Hmm, she doesn't seem to be telling it straight, it's what us women sometimes do, perhaps when we don't know what we want. Maybe you should take a break for a while and ask her to decide what she wants to do. Have you been together a long time? If so it could pass, we all get itchy feet from time to time.

Sorry you're having such a shit time of it, women eh

 

[TdC]

thanks everyone! (luckily) I'm very busy at workies, and haven't time for deep thought. atm I have no idea what to do -or in fact if I should do anything at all. if I get some time in I'll see if I can respond properly to your thoughts.

 

[DaGaffer]

but in true girly fashion she has managed to tell me that A) she is so riddled with doubt that she's doing the "right thing" that she can't possibly be with me anymore and B) she loves me so that she doesn't want to be without me ever. within the space of 5 minutes.

she has tried her utmost to explain to me that the fact that there's nothing wrong with us, our relationship, my/her friends all like her/me, my mother and her parents like(s) her/me, the fact that everything comes naturally and that we hardly ever argue, the fact that we see eye to eye on just about everything and the fact that she has nothing to complain about and all is good (her literal words) drive her to believe that something must be wrong and that we can't be together.

Hmm, are you living inside my head in a "Being John Malkovich" stylee? You're describing my life to a tee, the difference is I'm married and I've been living with her for 13 years . We're still best mates, but that's not enough, so we're giving up all the good stuff in the hope that 'something else' might be better confused: )

Back in the dark ages when I were a lad, people just got on with life, but now everyone, and particularly a certain type of woman, feel that their life has to look like an episode of Sex And The City or they're "unfulfilled". My advice would be; run, don't walk, to the exit.

 

[TdC]

rest assured Mr. Gaffer, I'm firmly ensconced within my own head
tbh I'm inclined to leave her. I may be doing her a great injustice, but it seems to me that she's played it in such a way that she has full control of what's going down. She gets to decide at her leisure if she's going to stay or go, while I get to sweat in uncertainly. I'm not ffing pleased atm </moodswing> but I shall be ok come the late afternoon. I'll not do anything whilst in a emotional state, and I hope she doesn't either :/

 

[.Wilier.]

A while back myself and Mrs Wil went through a very similar experience, in as much as Im a "Nice Guy" (believe it or not) and I used to go along with most things she said. Even if she did something to really piss me off, I wouldnt mention it, just to avoid confrontation and make my life easier.

This is great, but apparently incredibly annoying, to the point that she would set traps for me just to gain a reaction of some sort.

Weve bashed it out since and we now have regular "confrontation" (about 1 a month bizzarly enough) just to clear the air, then everything is sweetness and light again.

Doubt this is much help Teed's but as the other responses have stated, you aint alone bud, and remember the saying

"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen"

I think it really is true you know?

 

[Frizz]

Think to yourself TeeDles, what she's said to you, it's making you feel particularly awkward (Maybe worse). She's giving you a somewhat black and white ultimatum. Atleast how i see it anyway.

In my short tempered experience, i'd break it off. Why should she make you feel like this otherwise?

 

[Whipped]

I swear it's the summer that does this to men and woman alike below a certain age. The go outside and see all the halfnaked women/men and wonder if there's something they are missing.

Whta they don't seem to understand is that after 6 months nearly every single relationship becomes exactly the same.

 

[Ivan]

tbh I'm inclined to leave her. I may be doing her a great injustice, but it seems to me that she's played it in such a way that she has full control of what's going down. She gets to decide at her leisure if she's going to stay or go, while I get to sweat in uncertainly. :/

ditto control the situation i know that in a relationship you have to care for one another, but a bloke has got to have some self "R"-"E"-"S"-"P"-"E"-"C"-"T"

Good Luck.

 

[babs]

Weve bashed it out since and we now have regular "confrontation" (about 1 a month bizzarly enough)

Funny that, we get that too. NEVER suggest it's that monthly visit by the decorators that's causing it, it's not worth the incredible anger or tears.

 

[amobea]

but in true girly fashion she has managed to tell me that A) she is so riddled with doubt that she's doing the "right thing" that she can't possibly be with me anymore and B) she loves me so that she doesn't want to be without me ever. within the space of 5 minutes.

"Right Thing" in context to what?
Sounds like shes hiding something...

anyway, this morning she's sad and refuses to tell me anything more.

Still seems to me like shes hiding something...

I've been wrong on many occasions though...


My advice is find out what the problem REALLY is before you make a decision...

Hope thats of some help Mate

 

[Deacan]

Strange from what it seems you were doing a great job, i'll never understand the female mind.

Think i'll try date girls who can't speak english, they would have to think up anuther scheme of getting rid of me than telling me am doing a great job but its just not working. :touch:

 

[nath]

Sounds to me that she wants more passion/fire in the relationship. Having a partner who challenges you, rather than being nice and going along with everything can really help things out. However, that doesn't mean be a wanker, but disagreements and arguements can be really healthy in a relationship.

 

[TdC]

well, my boss has shoved a meeting back by an hour so I'll sneak in some responses.

firstly thanks loads everyone, for posting and advice. I'm feeling a lot better now, whereas this morning I was ready to go home and pull the bed covers over my head heh.

It sucks, but I think your right with the breaking it off thing, who knows she might realise she has made a mistake.

aye, but it may be too late then I'm not very good at getting back together, but as someone said in a PM, a fixed relationship may well be stronger than before. thing is, I'm not sure I can go back into a proper relationship with her without forever wondering if she's not brooding up something new to dwell on till she drives herself round the bend.

your lady quite young if I remember?
she sounds like she wants what a lot of girls seem to want - to go out with a bastard
maybe you and her are just coasting along
one big relationship before I came along and seemed to judge that as the blueprint that all relationships should be built on

-nah, that was the previous one matey this girl is 28
-aye, that, and she was the tingle of new relationship thrills. she says she knows me fully (haha - sorry) and thus I hold no surprises for her.
-a bit, perhaps, it's true. in fact, I actually said it before her but for some reason she doesn't want to work on it. well, she said that last night, so things may have changed.
-yes, she entered into a lengthy relationship when she was 19 that lasted several years.

She (and you) won't find mystery in anyone you go out with for long enough, but that's a GOOD thing. Consistency and reliability are one of the great things about a strong relationship, probably one of those 'you won't miss it til it's gone' type things. She may just be scared of committment and be longing for the days of being free and single and the jitters of a new romance, but it's totally unacceptable to use it as an excuse to wreck a relationship.

my thoughts exactly mate.

From what i've read, she's worth being a bastard every now and then

yes, but I don't like being a bastard. it's not me. if she wanted someone to treat her like shite she never should have hooked up with me

Women tend to think that there's something wrong if you are laid back. They seem to think it means you don't care.

it would seem so mate. she told me so herself, that she would prefer me to yell at her for every little transgression so she knows where she stands. I agree, but not on the shouting part. some of the niggles I have with her are so minor that I really have to laugh at her more than it irritates me. I'm very tolerant and, well, it's just not me.

take a couple of days away from her, clear your head

I think I shall do just this. It may well be a good idea to step back and get some breathing/thinking space.

do you find yourself doing the same rountine every week?
sit her down now and get her to talk about it. Get to the root of it.

-aye mate, our jobs more or less force us into this. I started taking her on little weekend breaks, but lately we've been too busy.
-I did that last night, as I was sick of her, um, silent suffering. After much prodding her words from my original post came out.

she doesn't seem to be telling it straight, it's what us women sometimes do, perhaps when we don't know what we want

grrah, with the utmost respect, I do not understand how you ladies manage to mope so much about things you don't know/feelings you may or may not have and the possibility personA loves you "more" than personB. why can't you just sit back and be happy? surely it can't be that hard? I personally think you girls get together every now and then to dream up new schemes to make men's lives miserable. no worries Bym,I know *you* don't do that

everyone, and particularly a certain type of woman, feel that their life has to look like an episode of Sex And The City or they're "unfulfilled"

she says she misses her life back when she was single. I don't get it, if she found it so great being single, why the heck was she in such a hurry to get into a relationship with me? aah! I don't get it anymore :/

that's all atm, I've been called away

 

[Whipped]

I feel all left out for not being in TDCs quote-a-thon

I need cuggles!!

 

[amobea]

thing is, I'm not sure I can go back into a proper relationship with her without forever wondering if she's not brooding up something new to dwell on till she drives herself round the bend.

honesty and trust are pivotal to relationships

it really bewilders me that people brood, it goes against the nature of the relationship

Dr Michael say teh broodedness is teh bad

not entirely helpful i know but i felt the need to mention this

 

[amobea]

I feel all left out for not being in TDCs quote-a-thon

I need cuggles!!

i feel your pain

 

[mookie]

i feel your pain

you just gotta watch out for him trying to feel other things.





@ teeds

 

[Xavier]

Why not suggest putting something on the 'horizon' for you both? a big holiday or something? that might reduce the focus on the current tedium caused by your working routines and build some anticipation of "uber tdc-and-girlie holiday-age"...?


Xav

 

[old.Tohtori]

Actually if you talked as much with your girlie girl, as you talk here, you wouldn't have a problem anymore