Bad taste The Bad Taste Joke Thread

[gohan]

You can't disagree with anything either mabs


cunt

 

[Lamp]

I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour's kids do is scream.
I'm seriously considering giving them back.

 

[Lazarus]

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbor Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”

 

[Lamp]

The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans - all of whom will have travelled as much as 10 miles to watch these games.

 

[Aoami]

oldy but goody

 

[Cyradix]

 

[Madmaxx]

OH lord lol

 

[SilverHood]

Director Ridley Scott has canceled his re-make of a WW2 movie. It was A Bridge Too Far.

 

[cHodAX]

China has today announced its dream team for the approaching Paralympics, including medal favourites Fu Kin Mong, Sim Pal Twat, Wan Lim Gon, Fut Long Tung, Won Kee Eye and Mai Lef Fut.

 

[cHodAX]

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

[cHodAX]

Two sperm are swimming through a woman when one of them looks at the other and says," Hey I think we are coming close to the ovaries". The other looks at the other sperm and says," Hey relax we just passed the tonsils."

 

[cHodAX]

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from? "
"Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled.
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy"s vagina. That"s how you get a baby, honey."
The daughter replies, "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy"s room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. W

 

[cHodAX]

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.? I thought, that's fair, tit for tat.

 

[cHodAX]

I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

 

[cHodAX]

Halfway through my shift at Jessops, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over. "Would you like the negatives?" I asked.

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.
I said, "Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse."

 

[cHodAX]

What's the difference between a refrigerator and John Travolta? The fridge doesn't shit itself when you pull the meat out!

Why did Travolta grow a mustache? To hide the stretch marks

 

[cHodAX]

I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought.

Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

 

[cHodAX]

I was having sex with a heavily pregnant woman last night when she shouted, "the babies coming!"

The kinky little bastard!

 

[cHodAX]

Aman donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!

So she throws a tampon in his face and says "There you go you miserable sod I'll pay you back monthly!"

And the moral of this story is: Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there's always a fucking string attached.

 

[cHodAX]

A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing at her breasts then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife opens her eyes and gasps "Why did you stop?"

He says "Found the remote - Back to sleep fatty!"

 

[MYstIC G]

The Chinese have had there first athlete banned from the Paralympics. Won Lim Gon was tested positive for WD40

 

[Sydrik]

I had tickets for the paralympics equestrian event but I cancelled them when I realised the horses had all their legs, weren't blind or deaf. Fucking cheats.

 

[cHodAX]

Three guys went to a ski lodge, the rooms are full, so they have to share a room with one bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this very wild dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and said "That's unbelievable, I had the same dream too!". Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!

 

[cHodAX]

A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!

 

[Job]

The thread title is 'Bad taste', please stick to the format.

 

[cHodAX]

The thread title is 'Bad taste', please stick to the format.

Please fuck off?

 

[Lamp]

It was my last day working at WH Smith yesterday and just as I was about to leave, a handful of my colleagues handed me a 'Sorry You're Leaving' card.

"Oh my god you guys," I said with teary eyes. "You didn't have to get me this."

"Actually..." my manager interrupted, "We were just hoping you'd stick it back on the shelf on your way out."



Cunts.

 

[Lamp]

I took Katie Price back to my place last night.

After pulling her legs back behind her head, spitting on her fanny and slipping both hands up inside, I looked at her and said, "Very impressive, can I have a go now?".

 

[Lamp]

I think my maths book is gonna commit suicide...

It has so many problems.

 

[Job]

Please fuck off?

Was that from the same web page as your jokes?