Bad taste The Bad Taste Joke Thread

[BloodOmen]

someones been watching too much QI

aye, annoying part is I seen the episode aggggess ago but I seen the repeat just now and got reminded of it still a pretty cool joke tho <3 stephen fry.

 

[Billargh]

 

[BloodOmen]

More oldies.

Why did god give woman legs?

Have you seen the fucking mess snails leave?

---


Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walking through the desert totally lost and almost dying of starvation/dehydration when suddenly they come across a pub in the middle of nowhere, Scotsman goes in and asks for a dinner but explains that he cannot pay as he has no money with him, the owner has a puzzled look about him when suddenly he comes up with a good plan.

He explains to the Scotsman "I'll give you a slap up Sundays dinner with a nice cold beer and all you have to do is go upstairs and fuck my daughter" the Scotsman clearly cannot believe his luck and thinks to himself "Fuck me, free lunch and I get a free shag" I'll do it! he tells the landlord, so he runs up stairs and goes into the landlords daughters room and starts to undress her when something catches his eye... EWWW he yells as he notices she has a scabby minge! he runs downstairs again and tells the landlord to stuff his dinner up his arse then leaves.

Next up the Irishman goes in and explains he cannot pay either, the landlord tells him what he told the Scotsman, needless to say the Irishman refuses to do the deed aswell and tells the landlord he'd rather go unfed than fuck his scabby hoe daughter and walks out.. the landlord at this point is losing all hope for his daughter when suddenly in walks the Englishman, the landlord says "I guess you won't fuck my daughter either for the lunch and a cold beer?" Englishman says "Ofcourse I'll do it" so the Englishman sits down and has his Sundays dinner and cold beer then goes upstairs to the daughters room, unshaken by the scabs he picks them off, puts them into a bag and throws them out of the window and fucks her brains out - 30 minutes go by and out walks the Englishman rubbing his belly "Ah, what a fucking lovely lunch and a shag that was" he tells the Irishman and Scotsman to which they reply "We don't fucking care we've just had a bag of crisps"...

 

[old.user4556]

Ring ring.

"hello?"

"hi mum, it's maddie"

"just kidding, its Geoff Shreeves"

 

[Overdriven]

Now, I have a joke based on recent readings of FH, but I don't feel like being banned... So, a lighter one!

What starts with 'S' ends in 'ex' and gives Muslims an erection?

Spoiler

Semtex.

 

[Jimmy]

"Is that a suspicious package in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"

Things have got even more awkward since my sister started working for the Drug Squad.

 

[Lamp]

12 disabled athletes have been banned from the paralympics. They tested positive for WD40

 

[Raven]

Ah ah ah ah staying.....wait a minute?!

 

[old.user4556]

Too soon?

 

[old.Tohtori]

Too soon?

Oh oh! I know tihs one! Top Ten things Big G says to women?

 

[Ormorof]

as has been said many times by others - i love this thread when celebrities die

 

[Lamp]

....................THE 100m FINAL WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER FRIDAY NIGHT IN LONDON.

IN THE 100 METRES FINAL YOU WILL HEAR A GUN SHOT FOLLOWED BY EIGHT BLACKS LEGGING IT

 

[Job]

What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?


Crib Death

 

[Billargh]

....................THE 100m FINAL WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER FRIDAY NIGHT IN LONDON.

IN THE 100 METRES FINAL YOU WILL HEAR A GUN SHOT FOLLOWED BY EIGHT BLACKS LEGGING IT

Blue on green is a bad joke of the worst kind.

 

[Hawkwind]

A Friends of the Earth activist is concerned that her boyfriend doesn't share her passion for the world, the environment and nature.
"Don't be fucking daft!" he says, "Everything I see reminds me of nature."
"Like what?" she asks.
"Well...your pussy reminds me of a gutted trout and your mums looks like a hippo yawning!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A half-Jewish, half-black kid asks his mum, "Am I Jewish or am I black?"
"You're just my son" relpies his mother, "but why do you ask?"
"Well," says the boy, "my friend is selling his bike for £50 and I don't know whether to be a good Jewish boy and haggle or just stab the cracker cunt and nick it!"

 

[Fast]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

 

[Bahumat]

Lol Fast

 

[BloodOmen]

How many french people does it take to defend paris from invasion?

Spoiler

Don't know, no one has ever tried.

 

[Lamp]

The Diamond Jubilee - a publicly funded event celebrating the Queens ability to successfully claim benefits for over 60 years without even having to queue up at the dole offices to sign on.

 

[Punishment]

Aha copy/paste foiled by the font !

 

[Punishment]

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, Youre charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.

You bastard! yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

Youre also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer, says the judge.

Bastard! the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.Sir, one more outburst and Ill charge you with contempt.

Im sorry, Your Honor, says the man. But Ive been this bastards neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didnt have one.

 

[Punishment]

My friend's shagging twins, who both like it up the rear.

I asked him, "how do you tell them apart?"

He said "oh that's easy......

..... Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny,

and Derek's got a moustache and massive hairy balls".

 

[Punishment]

boy sees his mother in the bath, goes to his father and asks..

son: "daddy whats that hairy patch between mommys legs?"
dad: "thats her vagina son"
son: "ok, if thats the case where is her c*nt?"
dad: "ahhh son, thats the rest of her"

 

[Punishment]

A woman comes home to find her man blowdrying his member.
She says "What the hell are you doing?"
He answers , "Heating up your dinner"

 

[Punishment]

An 80yr old man decides to have is wife killed, he manages to track down an assassin. The assassin says, "no problem I'll make it a clean head shot", the old man replies "NO!, in case you miss!", "right" says the assassin, "I'll go for the heart, I'll aim just below her left nipple to be sure", the old man replies, "dear god, no! I want her dead not knee capped!"

 

[Punishment]

A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

 

[Punishment]

Tommy ran home from school and could not wait to break his good news. "Mum Mum!' he yelled "i had sex with my geography teacher today!, Dad dad guess what!, i had sex with my geography teacher" The father replied "I'm proud of you son!" much to his mothers disbelief, the dad replied "You are now old enough to ride your brothers bike", Tommys face dropped with disappointment, then softly replied...


"I can't, My arse hurts!"

 

[Bahumat]

Haha keep them coming punishment!

 

[TdC]

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook and IRC".

 

[Kryten]

This jubilee stuff is all pish. I spent a grand total of 10 minutes on the throne this morning and got my own floatilla!