Bad taste The Bad Taste Joke Thread

[TdC]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."




...thanks to my brother for that one.

 

[cHodAX]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

 

[cHodAX]

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.

He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.

The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."

 

[cHodAX]

We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
I have given some examples below to help you make the distinction.

GUTS- Is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys only to be met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere"?

BALLS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume, beer and with lipstick on your collar, then having the balls to slap your wifes arse and say, "your next fatty".

 

[cHodAX]

Dad is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled.

"What the fuck happened?" He demands

"Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes"

"AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info

Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse"

"OMG, What happened?" asks dad

sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt"

"NO!" shouts Dad "Then?"

Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out"

"WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts wanking.

 

[cHodAX]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[cHodAX]

A priest checks into his hotel and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled".

"You get regular porn just like every one else you sick bastard" she replies.

 

[cHodAX]

A proud father gave his son twenty pounds and sent him off to the local brothel. On his way the boy passed by his grandmother's house and she called him in. He explained where he was going and she insisted that he save the twenty pounds and make love to her.

The boy returned home with a big smile. "How was it?" asked the father.

"Great, and I saved the twenty pounds," responded the boy.

"How's that?" his father asked.

"I did it with Grandma," the boy explained.

His father screamed, "You mean you f**ked my mother?"

"Hey, why not? You've been f**king mine!"

 

[cHodAX]

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

 

[Overdriven]

I brought the GF a pair of shoes and vibrator for her birthday.

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

 

[cHodAX]

After the global success of Facebook, a rival site has been launched especially for blacks. Its called Junglebook.

 

[cHodAX]

Mary had a little twat, a teeny weeny hole, but johnny couldnt fit in it, his massive manly pole, he sucked her tit, licked her clit, and tried to squeeze it in, but nothing seemed to work for him, he just couldnt fucking win, So mary drank a lot of wine, she smoked a bit of grass and just as she was passing out he shoved it up her ass!!

 

[Lamp]

At today's Leveson Enquiry hearing, Kate McCann recounted how the Tabloid Press' treatment of her made her want to 'crawl into a hole and never come out'. Coincidentally, that's exactly what she made Maddie do in 2007.

 

[Roo Stercogburn]

My six-year-old son caught me masturbating this morning .He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

 

[Overdriven]

Mario Balotelli has said that if anyone throws a banana onto the pitch during the Euros he'll shove it up their arse and tell them to fuck off.

Cheeky monkey.

 

[Fast]

The ginger woman at my work recently announced she was pregnant by her black boyfriend. She was discussing possible baby names the other day, apparently Terry The Chocolate Orange is not tolerated and is enough to get you fired.

 

[old.user4556]

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?











Because, he's married.

 

[Fast]

A nose walks into a pub, the barman says "I'm not serving you, your off your face"...

 

[Reno]

A nose walks into a pub, the barman says "I'm not serving you, your off your face"...

It's the bad "TASTE" Joke thread, not the bad joke thread.
And don't make fun of poor Deebs.

 

[Lamp]

Roy Hodgson has announced he would like to get as many passes as Spain did against Ireland, a whopping 954!

Presumably they are putting Rooney on Mastermind.

 

[Lamp]

racist

Spoiler

Morpheus and Neo are plugged in to the Matrix and having a chat.

Morpheus turns to Neo, "In this world you can be anything you want."

There is a short silence.

Neo: "Then why are you black?"

 

[Lamp]

My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died.

For a start, she takes it up the arse now.

 

[Lazarus]

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1NgrPRe8Bo

 

[CorNokZ]

My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died.

For a start, she takes it up the arse now.

Best thing about this joke was that my gf didn't find it funny at all and thought I was gross for laughing

 

[caLLous]

 

[Litmus]

Best thing about this joke was that my gf didn't find it funny at all and thought I was gross for laughing

Ha, same here.

 

[Sydrik]

The special effects in the batman movie are supposed to be amazing, one audience was reported as being literally blown away.

 

[Job]

You can't dislike jokes in the bad taste thread.

 

[Reno]

You can imo, but the joke has to be both not in bad taste and not good.
That one is both in extremely bad taste and quite good, so totally appropiate for the thread.
If you can't handle that, the Thread title should have warned you!!!

 

[gunner440]

You can't dislike jokes in the bad taste thread.

Yeah fuck off Mabs