Bad taste The Bad Taste Joke Thread
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collegien
Can't get enough of FH
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Oldy
Yep this ones an oldy but i recently came accross it again. Probably been posted back when the internet started but pfft have it anyway.
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'
Yep this ones an oldy but i recently came accross it again. Probably been posted back when the internet started but pfft have it anyway.
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'
old.user4556
Has a sexy sister. I am also a Bodhi wannabee.
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Hah, I liked that.
Vladamir
FH is my second home
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Friday joke time!
I ordered a Chinese last night, the delivery driver turned up at my door, gave me my food and said " 22 pown prease"
I smiled and said "Can you tell me the name of Jordans blind son?"
He goes "Harfey Price"
I replied "Cheers Ting Tong, heres eleven quid now fuck off!"
I ordered a Chinese last night, the delivery driver turned up at my door, gave me my food and said " 22 pown prease"
I smiled and said "Can you tell me the name of Jordans blind son?"
He goes "Harfey Price"
I replied "Cheers Ting Tong, heres eleven quid now fuck off!"
Everz
FH is my second home
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My girlfriend dumped me saying I don't live up to her black ex-boyfriend.
"When you can do what a black man can do, get back in touch," she laughed.
So after three months of trying, I've sent her a video of me peeling a banana with my feet.
I await her apology...
"When you can do what a black man can do, get back in touch," she laughed.
So after three months of trying, I've sent her a video of me peeling a banana with my feet.
I await her apology...
old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
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Why is a dead child better then a dead parent?
Fits better in the oven.
Fits better in the oven.
Lamp
Gold Star Holder!!
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I warned my daughter the other night about the dangers out there on the streets. She turned round to me and said: "I'm not scared of no wierd paedos cos I've read I'm more likely to be sexually abused at home" - which is rediculous cos for a start I don't find that girl attractive at all
CorNokZ
Currently a stay at home dad
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- Jan 24, 2004
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- 19,779
Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Most certainly not!"
Wife: "What? You don't like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do!"
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Yeah okay, I would get married again"
Wife: "You would?" *with a hurtful look on her face*
Husband: *groan*
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you change mine pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That seems like the proper thing to do"
Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she is left-handed"
Husband: "Most certainly not!"
Wife: "What? You don't like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do!"
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Yeah okay, I would get married again"
Wife: "You would?" *with a hurtful look on her face*
Husband: *groan*
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you change mine pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That seems like the proper thing to do"
Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she is left-handed"
Jimmy
Resident Freddy
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Amanda Knox has been in court in Perugia today, protesting her innocence over the killing of Meredith Kercher. She was in tears, speaking in fluent Italian.
Verdict?
Sexy.
I opened a box last night to find a set of cards. On each card was a photo. The first was OJ Simpson, then Michael Barrymore, followed by Kate McCann, Gerry McCann and, finally, Amanda Knox.
That is going to be a fucking long game of Cluedo.
Verdict?
Sexy.
I opened a box last night to find a set of cards. On each card was a photo. The first was OJ Simpson, then Michael Barrymore, followed by Kate McCann, Gerry McCann and, finally, Amanda Knox.
That is going to be a fucking long game of Cluedo.
old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
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Downgraded to 1mb?
*gets coat*
*gets coat*
old.Tohtori
FH is my second home
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Who's Steve Jobs?
- English -
Resident Freddy
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Even Apple is hit by this recession. They're already posting loss of jobs.
CorNokZ
Currently a stay at home dad
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Wow.. Just wow..
You're like three weeks late with this joke and he just died the other day
- English -
Resident Freddy
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can't find it already in the thread ;p