Problem Child x1

[cHodAX]

grr I can't believe the services doesn't care. it's their purpose to care. they get paid to care. I don't understand

They don't get paid to care, they get paid to sort basic problems out and keep a lid on the serious shit. It's all about numbers and nothing more, the caring side went out of that profession long time ago when they started targeted recruiting of douche-bags with psychology and sociology degrees instead of people who actually wanted to spend the rest of their life in that profession. Social Work is now seen as the fall back career for thousands of graduates who couldn't find gainful employment elsewhere.

 

[Scouse]

She is concerned that he may be harming the dog. He's also full of cuts, and fresh cuts and some such when he is at home. He's amassed a huge amount of plasters which have been used in <1 week, there is some concern over self harm.

As I said above in May m8.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was self harming. I'd go to your GP on your own and ask his/her advice - they'll have seen it a lot and even if they're not the best placed to deal with it they'll be able to point you in the right direction for good, solid advice - which isn't from some homeopathic cunt quack witchdoctor.

I'm also not surprised that he's acting like a mahoosive cunt now and again - especially now his mother is back on the scene. He's probably going to do a good job of pushing you away again and again - just to see if you'll have him back. If you continue to have him back you're showing him unconditional love - which he won't get anywhere else.

Like I said, it's not going to be easy and it'll take years...


One last thing. He was reasonable here:

if me nans saying fucking stuff 2 me mum behind her back well i aint having it i im grateful my nans done lots for me

Most kids don't like to hear people bad-mouth their real parents. I'd ask your mum to calmly point out to him that she's very sorry she said that, especially in anger - as that's the worst time - but she doesn't want to lie to him by saying she's a fan of his mum and that she disapproves of much of her actions and opinions - and then leave it at that.

 

[Scouse]

They don't get paid to care, they get paid to sort basic problems out and keep a lid on the serious shit. It's all about numbers and nothing more, the caring side went out of that profession long time ago when they started targeted recruiting of douche-bags with psychology and sociology degrees instead of people who actually wanted to spend the rest of their life in that profession. Social Work is now seen as the fall back career for thousands of graduates who couldn't find gainful employment elsewhere.

This, on the other hand, is bollocks.

My sister has a sociology degree gained 30 years ago. She lives in a very nice house on the footballers side of the Wirral with her lawyer husband and two highly-educated well-adjusted children. She's (amongst other things) wag officer for Toxteth and Speke - two total shitholes.

She spends her life picking up the pieces of kids lives who are being fucked over by their parents. Often turns up at a, say, ten-year-old's house where dad's absent (with his girlfriend) and mum's drugged up. Kids's stayed off school because he needs to go and do the shopping and cook all the meals.

She's constantly dismayed because the law doesn't allow her to do much, and even when she does and children get taken into care they're put into the hands of people like Bauhmat and Mey who couldn't give a rats fuck about another human being and their needs - especially a troubled one.

The "credit crunch" has been a great cost-cutting measure for the government. She could easily spend ten times the money (and we'd probably recoup twenty times that in a lower cost of criminality in the future if she did) - but she's just been shunted to part-time 'cause of cutbacks.

For this she gets paid both "fuck" and "all". Handily her own kids aren't relegated to a minimum-wage scrapheap by an uncaring government (and by proxy, public) as hubby earns very well - by leaving the house at 6:30 and getting back at 9pm most nights...

 

[Scouse]

*to be fair, the people who run care centres may be underfunded too...

 

[Gwadien]

I read this thread ages ago, but I'm not in the mood to go through it again right now, but it really sounds like he needs a role model of some sort... Personally, I feel that when he says he's annoyed with the restrictions that you put onto him, it angers him further, and distances you from him, You may dislike the kid, but when he's living this turbulent life, he may have no attachment to anyone in terms of family etc, so he takes it out on his 'family'.

If he distances himself from you even more, he will go to his mum, and will probably come back, and be even worse when he left..

As he said, he feels like he's getting treated like a child, and when you put more restrictions on him, he'll progressively get worse..

I do feel for you, you're in a really shit position, but as my mum is in this line of work (sort-of) it does seem he lacks attachment from anyone, As you say, you're nothing more than a restriction, or a referee to him, your mum gives him money, but then gets angry with him whilst his mum seems to offer stuff, then go back on her word, perhaps its too late for him

 

[Bahumat]

She's constantly dismayed because the law doesn't allow her to do much, and even when she does and children get taken into care they're put into the hands of people like Bauhmat and Mey who couldn't give a rats fuck about another human being and their needs - especially a troubled one.

Yeah Bauhmat is such a prick!

 

[cHodAX]

This, on the other hand, is bollocks.

My sister has a sociology degree gained 30 years ago. She lives in a very nice house on the footballers side of the Wirral with her lawyer husband and two highly-educated well-adjusted children. She's (amongst other things) wag officer for Toxteth and Speke - two total shitholes.

She spends her life picking up the pieces of kids lives who are being fucked over by their parents. Often turns up at a, say, ten-year-old's house where dad's absent (with his girlfriend) and mum's drugged up. Kids's stayed off school because he needs to go and do the shopping and cook all the meals.

She's constantly dismayed because the law doesn't allow her to do much, and even when she does and children get taken into care they're put into the hands of people like Bauhmat and Mey who couldn't give a rats fuck about another human being and their needs - especially a troubled one.

The "credit crunch" has been a great cost-cutting measure for the government. She could easily spend ten times the money (and we'd probably recoup twenty times that in a lower cost of criminality in the future if she did) - but she's just been shunted to part-time 'cause of cutbacks.

For this she gets paid both "fuck" and "all". Handily her own kids aren't relegated to a minimum-wage scrapheap by an uncaring government (and by proxy, public) as hubby earns very well - by leaving the house at 6:30 and getting back at 9pm most nights...

She is not a social worker and so your comment on my quote is totally irrelevant. As I said earlier, social worker is seen a fallback career for half a dozen degree courses, Social Services target these people at the expense of getting in those who actually trained for social work and to commit to a career helping others. My cousin spent 5 years in total trying to become a social worker, she had a ton of life experience including having a child at a very young age, she went to college in her early 20's, then did an access course followed by a degree (social work degree requires direct sponsorship by an employer, they wouldn't sponsor because they already had enough graduates) but at the end she was made to jump through hoops and then told sorry no jobs right now. She had dedicated herself to become a social worker and in the end there was no job because it had been taken by graduates who hadn't planned for a career in social work.

That is the problem with the entire system, too many staff who are there for a safe payday until something better comes along.

 

[old.Tohtori]

You've also taken away all of his outlets when you only leave him msn when you feel like he should use it, ofcourse he'll act out towards other things. Like the dog, which will die any day now if you don't nip that behaviour straight away with extreme prejudice.

And all form of "F*ck off then" and "your mum sucks" comments should be kept to self.

 

[Poag]

http://armycadets.com/become-a-cadet/cadet-faqs/

How old do I have to be to join?
You need to be at least aged 12 and in year 8 at school to join the cadets. If you are aged 18 or above, you can join as an adult volunteer.


Give him some proper discipline.


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Strikes me he is a problem child. Probably because he doesn't have good role models and his life isn't being structure properly. I put alot of weight in my decent frame of mind (i lived on my own from 18 untill recently) on the decent structure my parents put upon me when I was a teenager. Put lots into sorting myself out, getting ready for school, having to travel far on my own, and how thats put in me a fairly independent and self organizing mindset nowdays.

He has no role models, no organising. Hes got loads of pent up energy and he vents it at your mum and anyone who says something he doesn't like. He needs a culture shock of organization, it may or may not help. But it will certainly wake him up.

 

[rynnor]

You've also taken away all of his outlets when you only leave him msn when you feel like he should use it, ofcourse he'll act out towards other things. Like the dog, which will die any day now if you don't nip that behaviour straight away with extreme prejudice.

And all form of "F*ck off then" and "your mum sucks" comments should be kept to self.

Good advice here from Toht I think - basically theres no real point in driving him out by constantly restricting him its failed to stop the mother contacting him.

Either kick him out the door or accept that kids are ungratefull monsters generally and let him feel that hes at home.

To me it sounds like you are slowly driving him out.

 

[Chilly]

http://armycadets.com/become-a-cadet/cadet-faqs/

How old do I have to be to join?
You need to be at least aged 12 and in year 8 at school to join the cadets. If you are aged 18 or above, you can join as an adult volunteer.


Give him some proper discipline.


---------------------------
Strikes me he is a problem child. Probably because he doesn't have good role models and his life isn't being structure properly. I put alot of weight in my decent frame of mind (i lived on my own from 18 untill recently) on the decent structure my parents put upon me when I was a teenager. Put lots into sorting myself out, getting ready for school, having to travel far on my own, and how thats put in me a fairly independent and self organizing mindset nowdays.

He has no role models, no organising. Hes got loads of pent up energy and he vents it at your mum and anyone who says something he doesn't like. He needs a culture shock of organization, it may or may not help. But it will certainly wake him up.

Not sure it's a very good idea teaching a troubled kid like that how to use weapons and generally be quite dangerous.

 

[Gwadien]

To me it sounds like you are slowly driving him out.

This, Clearly, we don't know what's going on in your mums head, but you're coming across as if you don't want him there, and if your mums thinking the same, it's no good for him, and it's no good for you, even though you feel you must, it'll progressively make things worse.

 

[Poag]

Not sure it's a very good idea teaching a troubled kid like that how to use weapons and generally be quite dangerous.

Thats what we used to do in the old days!

 

[Scouse]

Thats what we used to do in the old days!

We used to burn people at the stake for heresy in the old days.

 

[Raven]

If you can't cope and his mum is a twat then perhaps care is the best place for him...

 

[Gray]

The army thing was actually on the cardsabout 2-3 weeks ago. We have a TA Centre which was opening it's doors on some days. He himself was eager to join, but he got the days mixed up so they couldn't accept him (Wouldn't?).

As i said, he had the perfect role model already in his life in his old step-father. He got fed up of coming off duty to a house that was an utter disgrace which ended up causing arguements and the inevitable split. This was a year or two back at least now. He was all for his step-dad even when he moved here. But again, last night or the night before he ended up saying he hated him actually.

My mum has put up with massive shit from him, he always has to get the last word in regardless of the topic. If she talks at all during a TV show, whether it be "his" show, or "her" show, or even shows any affection to the dog he tells her to shut up and be quiet. Massive respect right there. Then when it all happened again the other night, he was again going over the semi-abusive stuff he was sticking his fingers upto her.

She never ever had to put up with this kind of continual bad attiude with any of the kids she had, or looked after before. While we weren't expecting complete plain sailing we would hope he would grow out of the attitude, or at least calm down.

He came in from Youth Club about 10 minutes ago, apparently he's thrown my name into the mix again. Apparently i've been telling him to fuckoff or whatever it was. He didn't stay in, just a flying visit. I can say right now, i've never said anything against him ever - Apart from when i finally had enough and said he was an ungrateful bastard, in those words.

The social services did phone today, apparently they're going to be coming tomorrow morning to discuss it all. They have been massively unsupportive on our side. Because we're actually his family, we don't get any of the "benefits" that foster parents do. I believe we've also been told that if he were ever to get ill or need any treatment - We can't do anything, i think he has to be sorted by someone elses doctor, like his mums. Completely ridiculous.

No one is driving him out though, he's doing a fine job doing that himself. He has to be on chance 5-6 now in just a 14-16 month period.Or should i say, his mum is doing a fine job driving a wedge between his stable life and this.

 

[Gwadien]

As I said in a previous post, give him a reason to stay, give him a reason to abandon his mum, because either way, you're going to come out on top, because if he hates you, he's going to run away to his mum, hate her, come back to you, and make it worse, whereas if you give him a reason to stay, and he still goes, he'll come back, and he may even apologise, don't forget, he's still a kid, masses of his behaviour are from the surroundings he's brought up in, this is how social services see it, you don't automatically get a naughty kid, there has to be a reason behind it, and it's up to them to decide what the issue is.

 

[MYstIC G]

He's been given a reason. He obviously doesn't want a better home life. Sometimes people (kids included) make choices, he obviously wants to be with his mother over anything so he needs to go back. Clearly it's what everyone wants.

 

[Gray]

heh just another update, don't worry it's not so bad, infact there has been no serious issues recently.

There was trouble at school with some gang bullying him, but we warned the school it better stop else we would take it further. All been quiet now as far as i know. One minor/major issue is though that because it's been calm at home, i've trusted him relatively well with computer access, in the past i would check every few days to see what he's upto, but i've not needed too in about 2 months.

Then i checked his computer yesterday morning before work, and seen that about 2 weeks ago he set Facebook up again without telling me. He was chatting with his mum, saying how secretive he was not telling me about it, and she just accepted it. Then i seen he added a truckload of school friends etc. Their comments were really what i was interested in. Could i trust him? These messages would tell me...

Then i found what i was (wasn't?) looking for. He was being abusive to some girl from where he used to live, i sighed and continued. Next minute my anger went through the roof. He goes "Yeah i'm actually a pedophile and i know where you live". She becoming slightly different in her tone before he said he was a stalker. He then proceeded to post up her home address and i could tell she was a bit in shock about it. Now it felt like a joke because she knew he wasn't a "fake" but the fact he went and fucking said that was just not on.

I was fucking fuming. I told him he better delete his facebook by the time i get home, he didn't saying he wanted to still maintain contact with his mum. In the hours i was in work i felt that would have been the best course of action anyway so i agreed and he deleted all his friends. He deleted all his messages too. Shame he didn't know that Facebook doesn't "delete" messages as much as it actually archives them.

I pulled up messages from his mum, making me out to be the bad guy saying i couldn't do that and that she was telling him how i'm going to be reported to social services. I had a bit of a chuckle about it but then i thought, fuck it. I seen a message when she asked "Why would he want to take you off facebook?" to which he replied "oh i don't know, apparently i was abusive". So. I cleared it all up and sent her a facebook message:

Spoiler

This is Alan. The fact that Shane setup this Facebook without asking me first is what i was not happy about. I told him months ago when the issues at school where happening that Facebook would be restricted.

This wasn't me who said it - This came directly from school who said Shane shouldn't be using Facebook because of the trouble that ALWAYS happens on it.

You should ask Shane to give you his Facebook login details. I trusted Shanes usage of the computer without monitoring it daily, and in the 2-3 weeks of me not checking it he setup Facebook.

I found out yesterday he was using it and started to check through the messages which i have every right to do. This is my computer, i'm paying for the internet access so it's my rules. If you or he doesn't like it then i'm sorry it's not my problem, i can just as easily remove his internet access entirely and just let him use it for homework.

But i'm not out to be mean or anything, i'm looking out for his best interests. One of the messages last night was "Alan think's that i'm being abusive on Facebook"

Do you accept that it's okay for a 13 year old to send a message to some girl saying he is infact a pedophile stalker, scaring her - But not stopping there, actually going through the effort to find her home address and then be all coy about where he got it?

That type of chat is absolutely not acceptable. You can show this to the Social Services - But i'm looking out for his interests and my own - I can't be having chat like that going on behind my back, this stuff gets monitored and i will end up being flagged because it's coming from MY computer. I was absolutely fuming when i was reading through it.

At first i wanted him to turn off Facebook entirely i was that angry. But he said he still wanted to maintain contact with you, so i agreed that he deletes everyone from his Facebook apart from you just because i don't want any issues.

But i've told him this, if i find he does have a seperate Facebook account then i will turn the internet off entirely, i'm not having that at all. My mum doesn't know about half the stuff he does on here and i like to keep it that way to assure she doesn't worry too much otherwise she would tell me to turn it off completely.

Sending this to you to clear the air, i'm not the bad guy in all of this, like you i'm looking out for him in what way that i can - and i will continue to monitor his computer from now on.

Now i'm waiting for the fun to arise. Not going over getting rid of him again that's all in the past, things "were" going smooth anyway

 

[old.Tohtori]

You don't seem to trust him or his privacy to begin with, don't even ask that, you simply don't.

 

[cHodAX]

You don't seem to trust him or his privacy to begin with, don't even ask that, you simply don't.

He has very good reason not too, the kid has prior form for bad behaviour and abuse.

You did it spot on Gray, limit the damage to yourself by having traceable communication that is timestamped saying that it happened on your computer but it wasn't you. If that girl had complained to the police it would have been you getting dragged into a cop shop to explain.

 

[opticle]

It sounds like he's not mature enough to be on Facebook at the moment. Then again, I know its very difficult for a kid - all your friends are there - and kids are immature.

However, sending that kind of message to a girl at his age is quite worrying.

If he wants to stay in touch with his mum, he doesn't need Facebook - use email ??

 

[Mabs]

if you got records of those messages etc contact the police, its not majorly serious, but they could have a chat with him and scare him a bit ?

 

[Aoami]

You don't seem to trust him or his privacy to begin with, don't even ask that, you simply don't.

because he's 13 and living under his roof? my mum used to check what i was up to online from time to time when i was that age to make sure i wasnt doing anything i shouldnt be. the day she found my porn was one of the most mortifying experiences of my life.

 

[cHodAX]

Nevermind Aoami, at least she didn't find the hidden gay dwarf donkey porn folder. Oh wait, that is on Megadave's computer, dirty bastard!

 

[old.Tohtori]

I meant this;

Could i trust him? These messages would tell me...

That there's no reason to ask that from yourself, just accept you have no trust.

 

[MYstIC G]

Go de-rail a different thread Toht.

 

[Scouse]

if you got records of those messages etc contact the police, its not majorly serious, but they could have a chat with him and scare him a bit ?

Getting the police involved in anything, ever, makes it worse.

 

[DaGaffer]

I meant this;

That there's no reason to ask that from yourself, just accept you have no trust.

He has a duty of care to "have no trust" as you put it. Its not just a right of parents or guardians to monitor the internet activity of minors in their care, its a duty. Even if a parent trusts their child implicitly, it doesn't matter, they need to monitor activity. Gray absolutely nailed it when he pointed out what the kid was doing on his computer. Having you been living under a rock for the last decade? (don't answer that, its a bridge, I know.) You can't let anyone use your computer really because you'll be the first port of call when the cops come knocking.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Go de-rail a different thread Toht.

Meh, not even derailment. He made this a public issue, if i disagree on something, or agree on it, par the course.

There should be talk of a trust issue if there is no trust, he made it sound like there was one. This just ties in on the previous "deny everything and wonder why the kid acts out" thing.