Problem Child x1

[Gray]

So 12 years or so ago my brother fathered a child, however shortly after he was born he ended up getting killed in a motorbike accident.

There was a lot of problems surrounding this, mainly because of injuries he was sustaining with his mother and grandmother. There was a lot of aggro between the families involved, usually involing social services and what not, but in the end they did nothing.

Eventually he and his mother moved away and we lost contact with him for years. Recently however, as in, the past 6-8 months it was found that the kid (Who is now 12) moved to his other grandmothers house who lived not far from one of my other brothers.

At first everything seemed rosey and it was agreed between my mum and the grandmother that we could see him at our house on certain days, no problem with it. However things started to take a turn, and the visits where getting stopped "because he was being naughty".

My mum was getting somewhat annoyed about this, however one day i got a call from my brother saying that there was a slight altercation between the step-grandad and the boy, nothing major, just voices being raised.

At the end of the night, i got a phonecall from one of my OTHER brothers, whos daughters friend also lives nearby. She said that the lad had been thrown outside and battered in plain view of everyone, my mum roused from bed and went straight over.

The following day, social services agreed we should take custody of him and the police also got involved. I had to sit in a small room with some police while they conducted a video interview with him, it was all very new to me, and very harrowing, but at the same time i was definately impressed by all the tech that they had...

Alas, so he moved in with me and my mum, i agreed to let him on my computer so that he could go onto Facebook and chat mainly with his mother, however i was giving him constant warnings not to be shit stirring on there, because that's exactly what he was doing.

In school, he was getting bullied because they knew his dad died and he was also fairly new, being there only <6 months or so, however he always had a story about it all, and sure enough they had camcorders around the school which seemed to show that the bullies where targetting him.

Things where going great, or as well as they could be, until these fucking school holidays started. For a bit of friendship, my mum brought one of my nephews closer his age to come and stay, needless to say i wasn't thrilled totally, as the house was getting overcrowded as it was, and i was finding it hard for privacy.

Thankfully though, they ended up going to these Youth Clubs in the afternoons, so it was great. Until yesterday. I have often found that he does make white lies up to cover himself from getting into trouble, even though i knew myself what the truth was, but he took it to level extremes yesterday.

While they where at this Youth Club he said that he got into some disagreement with my other nephew, but then when he got back home they where all pally. I left them upstairs to play on the computer, when next minute i hear all this commotion going on.

I run upstairs, and he is swearing like an absolute trooper. "fuck this, fuck that, T this, T that". He then barges past me, slams the door and starts screaming at the top of his lungs saying that my other nephew said "his mother doesn't love him".

However, i spoke briefly to my other nephew, who i've never had any trouble with and he said something along the lines of "i was on Facebook talking to my mum, and then he started making fun of me saying "aww you love your mommy" - then i said "why, don't you love yours?"". It seems he took it completely out of context and then went nuclear.

My nephew even said he tried to stab him, at this point i looked at him and thought "Jesus don't you start lying now" - But sure enough my mum found a top off of a tin container which he bent into a type of shiv. My mum wondering what all the noise was about came up, and he was once again swearing like a trooper. Now, i'm one of these guys who doesn't swear infront of women (much) but while the anger wasn't directed at her it was still at her.

He ended up sitting on his bed crying. I thought it would last 5 mins tops before he stopped, but it went on for close to one whole hour of him blubbering and whinging, half of it didn't make sense, but i picked up what i could of it.

basically he was angry about him saying his mum didn't love him, fine. Then it was about how he skitted his half brother for being a black guy. My mum blew this out of the water though when she said "he wouldn't do that, since one of his other uncles (On the other side of the family) is actually a black man, he wouldn't dare do it".

Lastly, he apparently made fun of his girlfriend being blind in one eye. Which again was blown out of the water by the fact one of my brothers was blind in one eye, and it kept mounting up that he was telling all these lies so that he could justify this epic explosion that he did.

He ended up sleeping it off, and came back down as if nothing had happened and they where friends again.

Today, he has had two further meltdowns. And it's now getting to my mum, she herself is getting fed up of his constant mega tantrums because he can't get his own way - the 2 arguements today? They started because the other nephew was already using a cue in pool which he wanted, and because he wouldn't give it to him (fair enough?) he stormed off into the house.

Everything has been going fine these past few months, but my mum has just now found out how much of a git he can really be, and she can't be going through the stresses of this, i myself have never seen anything like it.

Last night i disabled his facebook for a few days, because shortly after "they made friends" last night, he went onto facebook without me knowing, and posted up a message from the sister of my nephew, basically telling her how much of a racist bully he was. So we ended up getting a phonecall saying wtf is his problem.

My mum also noticed that he has a really bad fascination with money. They where out shopping and she found £1 which was in a trolley, he demanded the money since "he" found it, and then she caught him with his hand in her bag last week. He was quick, and it doesn't look like anythign was taken, but she has been sitting on pins every since.

Shes basically losing patience with him. We have given him a good life and he has been stable, but around other kids it seems he is like a bomb ready to go off. She has warned him if he doesn't pack in, it might end up where he will have to go. It maybe harsh, but she has done so much for him only for him to do this now.

You're also afraid to talk to him incase he blows another gasket, he doesn't listen. hence my continual warnings about his usage of things like facebook, but it seems like he is now in the last chance saloon as far as it goes.

I hate school holidays. God i do...

 

[Gwadien]

You need Jodie Foster (is that her name?) Super-nanny woman.. - my mum does that as a job, and tbh, I think it works pretty well, speak to your social services and see if they offer a similar service.

Basically makes children misbehave less and educates parents/carers/guardians on things - sounds patronizing, but it works

 

[Roo Stercogburn]

Nasty situation, I don't envy you. There's no mention of counselling, has this been tried?

 

[GimmlyThe3rd]

Think you need to man up a bit and be strict and take charge, sounds like your being mothered also ... Ofc the kid is going to be mindfucked, all that has a huge effect on a child for the rest of his life.

Turn the facebook off, supervise him, make him earn trust? Kids these days have it too soft, I was a bit of a arse and had the shit kicked out of me on a daily basis. I was scared of my dad big time, no way would I think of mouthing off to my dad, stealing or trashing other peoples property etc.

I'm not a dad but I had a shitty childhood (worse then most for sure) and I turned out semi ok. Kids need a authority figure in their lives imo, all this don't hit your kids bollocks doesn't work.

 

[Wazzerphuk]

Jodie Foster, lol

 

[Gwadien]

Jodie Foster, lol

When I wrote that I thought is that her? - isn't she the actress

:bazbeer:

 

[Gray]

Aye i don't think Jodie Foster, or Jo Frost would be able to do much, i think she's more used to dealing with 7 year olds than almost-teens but yeah.

The counselling thing i think has been brought up, mostly by the other grandmother. She ended up calling him a "mental headcase" and did refer him to somewhere, while she may have been cruel and dispicable about the whole situation she may well have not been far wrong.

The only sort of counselling i seen him recieve was when the police interviewed him, but that was i guess more about the crime that was supposedly comitted as opposed to cognitive or other behavioural therapies...

Speaking of which, the step-grandad got off scot-free for the assault, personally i thought he was going too as well because sadly during the video interview he didn't conduct himself brilliantly. Rather than talking about what happened to HIM he kept diverting the conversation towards the dog he used to own, so it was essentially about 40 minutes worth of him chatting about what happened to him and about 20 minutes talking about the dog.

I wasn't entirely prepared for the whole taking him in thing though, never had a younger brother of my own, with me being the youngest and all, and so when it first started i thought it would be a great opportunity. But since i myself have my own problems, it's stopped me from really communicating with him on a big level.

But these past few days we've been having to be scrict, and the outcome has been the same, where he inevitably starts storming off screaming the house down. My anxiety levels are going off the charts again after having a fairly comfortable few months, so god knows what my mums is like.

But it feels different now growing up, if i did something bad i'd sure as hell expect a crack across the arse or the head, but since you can't do that anymore!

He's just not easy to talk too, especially in those situations where he ends up going nuclear.

 

[DaGaffer]

Kid's had a shit time, so its not surprising he's a bit fucked up, and counselling would be a good idea, but at least as important is going to be counselling and training for your Mum; this is not a normal situation and he's not going to behave in a "normal" way (whatever that is), she needs to be given some professional advice about the best way to deal with him.

 

[Lakih]

Kid's had a shit time, so its not surprising he's a bit fucked up, and counselling would be a good idea, but at least as important is going to be counselling and training for your Mum; this is not a normal situation and he's not going to behave in a "normal" way (whatever that is), she needs to be given some professional advice about the best way to deal with him.

I agree with this. The kids had a rough time, he wont "get fixed" over a few months. Get some counselling for your mom and perhaps even you? so you can better handle the situation (not saying you are doing anything wrong now ).

 

[Punishment]

Hurley across the shins always did it for me when i was 12

 

[TdC]

damn Super Gray I don't envy you the hard stuff that gets dished in your life, but I respect you for never failing to always trying to make the best of it mate.

let it be known that FH always has a place for you, and look at the advice above mate. chin up, good luck with this challenge!

 

[Zenith]

Seems like a very unfamiliar situation for everyone involved! Please, take the advice and try to order some real theraphy for everyone involved, 1on1 and familyoriented.

 

[CorNokZ]

duct tape.. Fixes everything

 

[old.Tohtori]

Might want to consider the following;

- Teenagers(pre too) don't actually control a lot of their impulsive actions. They just do them.
- The kid lost his father and gets bullied in school for it.

It's no wonder he's a bit messed up. All you should do is try to understand the kid and try and keep on the good side, make his tie with you a good time, not a time of commands and f*ck offs. If he can't be calm at home, he won't be anywhere else and it'll only escalate.

I wouldn't take another kids word for what he's actually done though.

In short; he's not a "problem child", he's a growing kid with his brain firing stuff every which way.

 

[Tom]

He needs a strong guiding male influence in his life.

He also needs to get the fuck away from it all.

 

[Deebs]

What Tom said, I believe the problem stems from the fact that there has been no Alpha Male in his life so he has tried to assume that role.

Even though I was not living with my kids when they were growing up they still knew who was the Alpha in the family and their Mum just had to say "I am going to ring Dad" to make them stop misbehaving.

 

[Raven]

Your best bet is to seek professional help.

 

[Gray]

One thing i forgot to mention about this which reminded me was the alpha male thing.

After my brother died, the mother moved away, however she actually met an army man. It seems he was actually great in all senses, but because of this they would move from country to country. I believe Germany and Cyprus where a few of the destinations,and he stayed for a prolonged period.

Then when he returned i think he then went over to Catterick in the UK which i assume has some army base nearby, and judging by everything things where stable.

Then i think the step-father had to be stationed elsewhere for sometime away from them, and when he returned he said the house they were living in became an utter shithole because she never cleaned up, so they broke up. I think at this point the mother suffered some sort of mental breakdown, and that was when the kids where all taken off her and they had to live with the other grandmother.

It seemed he learned a lot from his time around this step-dad, but it seems something happened which caused an arguement between them so they haven't spoken really since.

I myself have always been more of a follower than alpha and i have no real experience with kids.

But i think today the other nephew might be leaving to go home, kind of wish he would because i'm half certain that he is possibly poking him with a stick, not to the extent that seems to be played out, but i have an incling about it.

 

[Mabs]

not being judgemental, yet , just wondering:

how old are you ? i would presume your the same age as your brother would be ? so 30 + ?
why do you still live with your mum ? - ie is there family history of this sort of thing so its more "acceptable" ?

how far did he move to come to you ? is it 200 miles, or just across town ? is he still hanging around with same people/places ?
cos if hes changed bedroom, and nothing else, basically, it will never improve without serious outside help.

what discipline if any had he ever been exposed to ? sounds like he need a firm hand in control , dont know if its too late to start now, but might be worth a try

as said, i would suggest getting him help, but get your mum some first. If he drives her round the bend you will be far worse off. You can talk to your GP about it, or go straight to your local NHS and enquire.

end of the day, you have my sympathies, and i hope you can get it sorted, but dont discount anythign till youve tried it

 

[Huntingtons]

also, hes not living with his mom. It makes sense he freaks out over your nephew asks him if he dont love him his own mom. Dont know the kid but he has had a thought childhood for sure. He still will if you send him away. Positive reactions is what he needs, no imtimidation, threats or feelings of unwantedness. It will just alienate him more and more

/edit

Dagaffer said it, your mom needs help to figure out the kid. But dont think he will benefit all to much from it (if you believe he has alpha male attitude problems)

 

[old.Tohtori]

What i said earlier about considering the events occured, imagine this;

Your parent is lost suddenly.
You're moved to an abusive parent.
You're moved again(expecting now to be abused).
Your computer use is limited with BB watching.

If you want to help, try to teach the kid the ways of the internet, subtle trolling, having fun with pokes and prods instead of juvenile flaming etc.

If you take the role of teaching the young crosshopper, instead of being an authority figure who says no, think he'll have more fun, you'll have more fun and you'll help+ the kid grow to be a fun going internet troll, instead of a cousinstabbing ahole

 

[Himse]

Maybe try and involve him with what you're up to as well?

I know it's not ideal to have some kid over your shoulder all the time, but it could calm him down and give him something to be interested in.

 

[MYstIC G]

All I can say at this juncture is that I hope things get easier for you Gray.

I'm curious, does the kid receive any form of special attention at school? e.g. does the SENCO have a role in handling him?

 

[Ceixah]

Figured I'd stick my oar in here and see if we can't get the current flowing the right way!

First of all - you need to make sure that he is completely aware that yes he may have had a rough time with losing a parent (and you a brother - my condolences btw) however that doesn't even remotely give him the right to cause this kind of trouble in anybodies life. Yes its tough but people have gone through a hell of a lot worse that is unfortunately just the way life works.

Unacceptable behaviour is just that - its unacceptable, from an early age some people need to have this made clear to them or this could escalate and quite seriously.

Take this for example - say if he had used the shiv you mentioned and stabbed his cousin....


What I would suggest of course is not stern punishment which will then lead to possible resentment, you'll need to find the balance and also find something that he means alot to him, perhaps talk to him about why he's so angry/upset, what it is that he's afraid of to cause such a response, because thats what the majority of outbursts stem from - fear.


Perhaps remove the parental structure he's been accustomed to, perhaps he feels as though none of you are his father scenario - ie you're not my real parents, you'd be surprised the amount of times this actually occurs in modern step families etc.

Just first and foremost try and connect with him - try and be his friend, but make sure he is aware that these actions are completely unacceptable and that you will not stand for them under your/your mum's roof - however if he wants to improve his attitude etc you'll help and be there for him.


I wish the the best of luck though with all this because I've first hand experience of a bit of a pap childhood and extended families / not living with parents etc!

 

[old.Tohtori]

Ceixah, it's not his job though. It's the mothers.

Brothers shouldn't raise others, they should be there to talk sh*t to about said parents and in that capacity, give a balancing perspective and big brotherly advice.

BNot to mention torment them to no avail

 

[caLLous]

It is his job if he's an adult living under the same roof as the boy, especially if his mother isn't coping very well, she needs support and help.

The big brother angle, if done correctly, could be exactly what he needs.

I think.


Maybe.

 

[Ceixah]

Toht, as much as I usually love trolling with you, have a look at a study regarding the diffusion of responsibility and then come back to me and say "its not his responsibility" etc...


the more and more people think "oh this isn't my problem, somebody else will be along in a moment to act" the longer issues will occur and people will suffer due to it.


Also you need to control stuff that goes on under your own roof or heaven help you when the kid goes off to school with the thoughts oh its ok to do it at home so why not at school...

 

[old.Tohtori]

I'm not saying let him run a muck, i'm saying that the punishment etc should come from the mother as she needs to be established as the "alpha".

Big brother telling you to f*ck off and knock sh*t out is fine, but it shouldn't be done from a parental standpoint.

As i saidm, it's not his job to RAISE the kid. And it's from a personal POV because that's the internet way of saying "that's a fact"

To put it in a short and clear way; it's the mothers job to lead, punish and control the kid. It's the brothers job to teach, advice and keep the kid out of larger trouble.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Anyhoo, as an ultimate point, this is all rather pointless jibberjabber as we don't know the real situation, it's a one fustrated POV(not saying it's wrong) and all kids, while acting in same manner, still respond to different things.

Best bet is to use a brain, listen and act with clarity and not simply react kneejerkingly.

 

[Gray]

Aha! Time for an annual update on this.

Everything has been fairly settled the past few months with no significant issues arising, however the shit has well and truely hit the fan now, to a point he pretty visibly upset my mum even though shes strong enough to not admit it.

Last week, his mum who lives about 40-50miles away came down on Saturday with a new boyfriend of hers. I think my mum knew she was coming down, but not with this boyfriend. The intention of thee visit was she was to take him out, but when it came to the time "it was too cold out, so they want to stay in the house". My mum wasn't of course going to throw her out even if she didn't like the idea of her and a complete stranger being in her house.

His mum ended up telling him about coming back to live with her, but mum chipped in saying that he wasn't going anywhere until he come of age. His mum then took him outside to discuss something in secret before returning into the house. Some kids at school ended up permanently blocking his SIM Card in his phone, so when i finished work instead of going straight home i went and bought him a new SIM card out of my own pocket just so he wouldn't be without a phone.

This is when me and his mums paths crossed, i have avoided her for so long because frankly, she makes me sick. She is an evil bitch who deserves to rot in hell, but because i am a nice guy i put those feelings aside, because sadly he doesn't know what his mum was capable of.

Anyway today his mum come again, unexpectedly without asking. In the mornings he would either be on his computer, or, because of the bank holidays he would be at a local youthclub for the day. But today was different. He was sitting downstairs as if waiting for something. Sure enough, she turned up much to my mums suprise. She said she wanted to take him out of town to her boyfriends house, mum was a bit iffy about this and demanded contact information. So she got it. Off they go.

Later i went to work, but for some reason i had something in my head telling me that his mum was going to do something heinous, i couldn't shake that thought all day. When my break was due, i quickly checked my phone, because i knew that if anything would have kicked off he would have been straight onto Facebook. Low and behold, the moment i was dreading..

Spoiler

Him
Hates his stupid bitch 6f a nan now stopin me seein me mum now cryen me hart out just nearly killf me sel3

Like · · Unfollow Post · 4 hours ago via mobile ·
Me Watch what you say on here else you wont be going on it again.
2 hours ago · Like

Him well alan i aint having her telling me mum i carnt see her no more
2 hours ago · Like
Me Yeah well dont be broadcasting it on facebook or chipping in insults
2 hours ago · Like

I was dreading going home, but when i did, you could have cut the tension with a knife it was that bad. Could see my mum was worn down by it. Anyway he was downstairs at the time, so she couldn't tell me in detail what happened, but he left the room for 5 minutes which is when she started bringing it up.

"I seen a side of him i have never seen before, it was scary. He went ballistic, he ended up calling me all the names under the Sun, calling me a fucking bastard bitch continually - This was her this, she didn't take him straight to her boyfriends house, she first took him to the fucking social services and made up a complete pack of lies about me, but it ended up backfiring on her badly". This was probably because after Saturday, mum could sense something happening, and she covered her bases by calling social services first. They weren't interested it seems, just telling her to get a solicitor.

I am pretty seething over this whole thing, absolutely do hate her. Mum is coming on 70 this year, she doesn't need this type of aggro. The way he has treated her is beyond belief after all that we have done for him. We have given him a stable life with no issues, no violence or anything, just in a caring manner. Shit, i even bought a new Xbox to replace my old dead one, as well as assuring he has access to anything he needed.

Whats more he ended up deleting all his facebook messages from the past month, and all his text messages, its a wee bit suspicious. His mum said "you can't take his Facebook off him it's his computer" - to which my mum reminded him that its her house, and its not his computer so yeah.

Good times.[/quote][/quote]