M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #781
or no arms or legs and unable to use her mouth...
X
xane
Guest
- Thread starter
- #782
A woman would not be able to use her mouth to pick strawberrys as that would mean closing it for a few seconds.
/me runs for cover
/me runs for cover
D
Damini
Guest
- Thread starter
- #783
/me runs after Xane with a sharpened stilletto heel
W
WPKenny
Guest
- Thread starter
- #784
You're safe Xane. She doesn't own any stilleto heels. 
although I'm sure she could beat you to death with the heal of her DocMarten boots.
Q. Why do women have legs?
A. Have you seen the mess snails leave?
although I'm sure she could beat you to death with the heal of her DocMarten boots.
Q. Why do women have legs?
A. Have you seen the mess snails leave?
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #785
Anyway that joke was stolen from Popbitch, and the word of Popbitch is gospel .. so ner!
P.S Censored
W
WPKenny
Guest
- Thread starter
- #786
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the
fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men
started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a
new Mercedes, fully "loaded."
The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly
well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of
business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How
is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men
started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a
new Mercedes, fully "loaded."
The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly
well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of
business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How
is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
L
~Lazarus~
Guest
- Thread starter
- #787
The Best of British Newspapers...
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evenings News)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard
of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist
Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr
Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in
his new name.
(The Guardian)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to
do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil
Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evenings News)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard
of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist
Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr
Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in
his new name.
(The Guardian)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to
do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil
Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
T
Tom
Guest
- Thread starter
- #788
"Hello, sorry boss, I can't come in today, I'm sick"
"Whats wrong with you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my sister"
"Whats wrong with you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my sister"
T
Tom
Guest
- Thread starter
- #789
Man goes into a pub. He sees the barmaid with huge tits, and says "I'll have a pint of titter". Cue laughs, he says to his m8, "oops, freudian slip". His mate says "Whats that?" and he explains.
A few weeks later, he sees his m8 in the pub, and says "Hey I had a freudian slip the other day"
"Really? What happened?"
"Well, I was just sitting down for my breakfast, and I said to my wife "Make me some more eggs you fat ugly bitch, before you ruin my life some more""
A few weeks later, he sees his m8 in the pub, and says "Hey I had a freudian slip the other day"
"Really? What happened?"
"Well, I was just sitting down for my breakfast, and I said to my wife "Make me some more eggs you fat ugly bitch, before you ruin my life some more""
W
Wij
Guest
- Thread starter
- #790
T
Tom
Guest
- Thread starter
- #791
Mine was infinitely more entertaining, and much shorter
D
Dr_Weasel
Guest
- Thread starter
- #792
Is it still sick if shes fit????
Edit: I didnt realise it was me who posted the original joke I must have already been through this moral quandry.... (although I dont have a sister, and probably its best too)
Edit: I didnt realise it was me who posted the original joke
I must have already been through this moral quandry.... (although I dont have a sister, and probably its best too)
O
old.Fweddy
Guest
- Thread starter
- #793
Sorry Tom, the long version was better. Although Wij looks worse than you for making the effort to look it out, the saddo.
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #794
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
S
SilverHood
Guest
- Thread starter
- #795
Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the world looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey, and hopefully win Liverpool the title.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed, and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on, and takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!" says his Mum ... "Its your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed, and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on, and takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!" says his Mum ... "Its your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
X
xane
Guest
- Thread starter
- #796
Thor, the God of thunder is sitting in Valhalla bored out of his mind.
So he goes to Odin to ask for something to do to which Odin replies : "Ok,
I'll send you back to Earth for twenty four hours on the one condition
- you have to have sex with one woman one hundred times in that time
period"
Thor being a god is able to accept this condition without any worries.
So off he sets to Earth to pass his time back on the mortal coil.
To start with, he does a bit of window shopping, grabs a bite to eat and
then he sets off for a pint or two.
He heads to the nearest pub and grabs a pint.
At this point he thinks about the condition of sex.
So he sidles up to the nearest young female and asks if he can buy her a
drink.
It turns out that this particular female has a speech impediment so she
replies : "Oh yeth, I would love it ith you bought me a dwink"
So one vodka and coke later, Thor says : "How would it sound to you if I
was to ask if we could go back to your place to have sex all day long ?"
She replies : "Oh yeth, that would be wonderthul"
So off they set and Thor is true to his word - sex 100 times with the same
woman.
In the morning, the female is making breakfast while Thor is lying in bed.
Suddenly, he thinks to himself that it would be unfair to let the female
think that he was normal so he decides to tell her who he is.
He wanders through to the kitchen and says : "I am Thor"
She replies : "You are Thor, I can't even Pith!!!!!"
So he goes to Odin to ask for something to do to which Odin replies : "Ok,
I'll send you back to Earth for twenty four hours on the one condition
- you have to have sex with one woman one hundred times in that time
period"
Thor being a god is able to accept this condition without any worries.
So off he sets to Earth to pass his time back on the mortal coil.
To start with, he does a bit of window shopping, grabs a bite to eat and
then he sets off for a pint or two.
He heads to the nearest pub and grabs a pint.
At this point he thinks about the condition of sex.
So he sidles up to the nearest young female and asks if he can buy her a
drink.
It turns out that this particular female has a speech impediment so she
replies : "Oh yeth, I would love it ith you bought me a dwink"
So one vodka and coke later, Thor says : "How would it sound to you if I
was to ask if we could go back to your place to have sex all day long ?"
She replies : "Oh yeth, that would be wonderthul"
So off they set and Thor is true to his word - sex 100 times with the same
woman.
In the morning, the female is making breakfast while Thor is lying in bed.
Suddenly, he thinks to himself that it would be unfair to let the female
think that he was normal so he decides to tell her who he is.
He wanders through to the kitchen and says : "I am Thor"
She replies : "You are Thor, I can't even Pith!!!!!"
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #797
Q: What goes "ooooooo"?
A: A cow with no lips
Q: What's silver and sits at the end of
the bed taking the piss out of you?
A: A kidney dialysis machine.
Man: Doctor! Doctor! I've got five penises
GP: My Goodness... how do you trousers fit?
Man: Like a glove.
What's the highest mountain in Liverpool?
Killamanforhisgiro
A nurse walks into a bank to cash a cheque.
She reaches in to her handbag and pulls
out a rectal thermometer..
"Great, just great...," she says to the teller.
"That means some asshole's got my pen."
A paedo goes up to a boy in a park and says
"I'll give you some sweets if you come in my van.
The boy replies, "OK. But give me a fiver and
I'll come in your mouth."
Q: What did the punk girl say to her lover
when the condom split?
A: Is this Johnny Rotten?
The Seven dwarfs were in a sauna feeling happy.
So Happy got up and left.
A man goes to see an optometrist.
The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
The man says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
"No," replies the doctor, "You're upsetting
the other patients in the waiting room."
A: A cow with no lips
Q: What's silver and sits at the end of
the bed taking the piss out of you?
A: A kidney dialysis machine.
Man: Doctor! Doctor! I've got five penises
GP: My Goodness... how do you trousers fit?
Man: Like a glove.
What's the highest mountain in Liverpool?
Killamanforhisgiro
A nurse walks into a bank to cash a cheque.
She reaches in to her handbag and pulls
out a rectal thermometer..
"Great, just great...," she says to the teller.
"That means some asshole's got my pen."
A paedo goes up to a boy in a park and says
"I'll give you some sweets if you come in my van.
The boy replies, "OK. But give me a fiver and
I'll come in your mouth."
Q: What did the punk girl say to her lover
when the condom split?
A: Is this Johnny Rotten?
The Seven dwarfs were in a sauna feeling happy.
So Happy got up and left.
A man goes to see an optometrist.
The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
The man says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
"No," replies the doctor, "You're upsetting
the other patients in the waiting room."
L
~Lazarus~
Guest
- Thread starter
- #798
A study at Latrobe University showed that the kind of male face that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, she is more prone to prefer a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat jammed up his ar*e whilst he is on fire.
L
~Lazarus~
Guest
- Thread starter
- #799
THE RULES OF MANHOOD
"Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella!".
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend outof jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story.
"Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella!".
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend outof jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story.
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #800
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #801
Haha this site rocks
(Or my sense of humor is a bit warped, one of the two)
L
L_Plates
Guest
- Thread starter
- #802
YEY Hope thats the last we see of them
Nice Avatar AVRIL is Sweeeeeeeeeeeet !
Nice Avatar AVRIL is Sweeeeeeeeeeeet !
L
L_Plates
Guest
- Thread starter
- #803
Ok here are a couple for you....
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot takes his girlfriend,Marie,out for a
pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and
love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre
grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you
doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!
When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start
kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me
lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the
bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!
When I have white meat,I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate
interlude,and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and
whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs
a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep,Marie
throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE **** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in
flames!"
-------------------------
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
------------------------
*I'll get me coat....
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot takes his girlfriend,Marie,out for a
pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and
love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre
grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you
doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!
When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start
kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me
lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the
bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!
When I have white meat,I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate
interlude,and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and
whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs
a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep,Marie
throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE **** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in
flames!"
-------------------------
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
------------------------
*I'll get me coat....
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #804
A man is talking to God, and he asks God
"God, how big is a penny to you?"
God says: "A penny to me is like a million pounds to you.
Man: "How long is a second to you?"
God: "A second to me is like a million years to you."
Man: God, can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
"God, how big is a penny to you?"
God says: "A penny to me is like a million pounds to you.
Man: "How long is a second to you?"
God: "A second to me is like a million years to you."
Man: God, can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
L
L_Plates
Guest
- Thread starter
- #805
Ill get your coat while im getting mine
B
bids
Guest
- Thread starter
- #806
What's the difference between a speed camera and a woman ?
With a woman you can see the c**t behind the bush.
With a woman you can see the c**t behind the bush.
X
xane
Guest
- Thread starter
- #807
On Heather McCartney's birthday, Paul bought her a plane.
And a ladyshave for the other leg.
And a ladyshave for the other leg.
L
L_Plates
Guest
- Thread starter
- #808
LMAO Nice 1
A
Arnor
Guest
- Thread starter
- #810
A man walks up to a lady in a bar, introduces himself and asks her if she would have sex with him for 10 million dollars.
The lady, quite shocked thinks about it for 3seconds before saying yes. To which the man asks her if she would like to have sex with him for 5$. Furiously the lady declines the "offer" and the man replies: "we've already established that you are a hoe, now im just haggling the price"
The lady, quite shocked thinks about it for 3seconds before saying yes. To which the man asks her if she would like to have sex with him for 5$. Furiously the lady declines the "offer" and the man replies: "we've already established that you are a hoe, now im just haggling the price"