C
Clowneh!
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- #751
did it make you laugh? you know, the way a joke makes you laugh?
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #752
Not really, but then again not many jokes make you laugh out loud. Just there to make you smile and take your mind off shitty work.
Do you like Trigger Happy TV? Because I find that people simply dont 'get' it. Its a certain type of humor, you either find it funny or you dont. Not that it has anything to do with the above picture, just thought I would mention that.
Do you like Trigger Happy TV? Because I find that people simply dont 'get' it. Its a certain type of humor, you either find it funny or you dont. Not that it has anything to do with the above picture, just thought I would mention that.
D
dysfunction
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- Thread starter
- #753
I miss Trigger Happy TV.
Just 4 Laughs which is on TV these days is similar but not as good.
Just 4 Laughs which is on TV these days is similar but not as good.
M
Maljonic
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- Thread starter
- #754
What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
A small medium at large!
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #755
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #756
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
S
SilverHood
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- Thread starter
- #757
A man in a hot-air ballon realises he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man below. He descends a bit more and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"
The man below replies, "You are in a hot-air ballon hovering approximately 10m above the ground. You're between 40` and 41` North and between 59` and 60`West."
"You must be an engineer," says the ballonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the ballonist, " everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip"
The man below replies,"You must be in management."
'I am," says the ballonist,"but how did you know?'
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are thanks to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it is my fault.
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"
The man below replies, "You are in a hot-air ballon hovering approximately 10m above the ground. You're between 40` and 41` North and between 59` and 60`West."
"You must be an engineer," says the ballonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the ballonist, " everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip"
The man below replies,"You must be in management."
'I am," says the ballonist,"but how did you know?'
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are thanks to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it is my fault.
S
SilverHood
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- Thread starter
- #758
An old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes.
No debt.
Plenty buffalo.
Plenty beaver.
Women did all the work.
Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes.
No debt.
Plenty buffalo.
Plenty beaver.
Women did all the work.
Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #759
What's the position to make ugly babies?
Ask your parents.
Ask your parents.
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #760
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
T
Trem
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- Thread starter
- #761
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #762
wait a minute, that taxi driver's just a blow up facsimile!
A
Ash!
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- Thread starter
- #763
American Officials have released details on the whereabouts of Saddam Hussein. He is believed to be holed up in his home town of Tikrit. They have offeres $35 Million for hist Capture
Chelsea have offered $40 Million !!!
Chelsea have offered $40 Million !!!
S
SilverHood
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- Thread starter
- #764
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
M
Maljonic
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- Thread starter
- #765
A tramp felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.
"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."
"Well," said the tramp, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'
"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."
"Well," said the tramp, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'
M
Maljonic
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- Thread starter
- #766
What did the bow-legged doe say?
Thats the last time I will do that for ten bucks.
Thats the last time I will do that for ten bucks.
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #767
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
or
There's these two polar bears having a chat, a daddy and a boy. The boy bear asks, 'Dad, am I a Black Bear?'
Dad says, 'No son, you're a Polar Bear.'
The next day after they's been out fishing and chasing the odd walrus the boy askes, 'Dad, am I a Brown Bear then?'
Dad replies, 'No kid, you are a polar bear.'
They walk along for a bit over the ice flows then the boy bear stops and askes, 'Dad, are you absolutely sure I'm a Polar Bear?'
Dad's a bit frustrated now, 'Yes, damn yes. You are a Polar Bear! Why do you keep asking that?'
'Because it's fucking freezing...'
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
or
There's these two polar bears having a chat, a daddy and a boy. The boy bear asks, 'Dad, am I a Black Bear?'
Dad says, 'No son, you're a Polar Bear.'
The next day after they's been out fishing and chasing the odd walrus the boy askes, 'Dad, am I a Brown Bear then?'
Dad replies, 'No kid, you are a polar bear.'
They walk along for a bit over the ice flows then the boy bear stops and askes, 'Dad, are you absolutely sure I'm a Polar Bear?'
Dad's a bit frustrated now, 'Yes, damn yes. You are a Polar Bear! Why do you keep asking that?'
'Because it's fucking freezing...'
S
SilverHood
Guest
- Thread starter
- #768
A newly wed Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife :
Y'know sumptin, honey, we have a wonderful system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on we jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready togo.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she
stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."
Y'know sumptin, honey, we have a wonderful system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on we jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready togo.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she
stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #769
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected and two days later Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
...
"FBI MOTHER F**KERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected and two days later Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
...
"FBI MOTHER F**KERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #770
why do ducks have webbed feet?
to put out fires.
why do elephants have flat feet?
to put out ducks.
to put out fires.
why do elephants have flat feet?
to put out ducks.
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #771
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says..
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says
"You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok"
so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads
"Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads
"Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says
"You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok"
so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads
"Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads
"Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #772
T
Testin da Cable
Guest
- Thread starter
- #773
how I weep for humor lost 
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #774
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
Shamelessly stolen from Popbitch
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
Shamelessly stolen from Popbitch
S
SilverHood
Guest
- Thread starter
- #775
"What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?"
"arrrr"
"What is a pirates favorite study subject?"
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt
"What's a pirate's second-choice job?"
"an arrrrrrchitect!"
Ok, I'll stop now
"arrrr"
"What is a pirates favorite study subject?"
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt
"What's a pirate's second-choice job?"
"an arrrrrrchitect!"
Ok, I'll stop now
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #776
A woman with no legs has just won the
strawberry picking championship.
Jammy cunt.
strawberry picking championship.
Jammy cunt.
B
Big G
Guest
- Thread starter
- #777
joke doesn't work when you don't get it right. Isn't it "did you hear about the woman with no legs that won the strawberry crushing contest?"
"jammy cunt"
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #778
A man and wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so the man bought his wife an expensive see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realised the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "For feck's sake, for 250 quid they could've ironed it!"
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realised the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "For feck's sake, for 250 quid they could've ironed it!"
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #779
Originally posted by Big G
joke doesn't work when you don't get it right. Isn't it "did you hear about the woman with no legs that won the strawberry crushing contest?"
"jammy cunt"
Dont be silly, you dont get Strawberry crushing contests!
X
xane
Guest
- Thread starter
- #780
Surely the woman with no arms who won the strawberry picking contest ?