M
madcow
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- Thread starter
- #871
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an Altar Boy!
A: Dress her up as an Altar Boy!
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L_Plates
Guest
- Thread starter
- #872
:doh:
*points to door*
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dysfunction
Guest
- Thread starter
- #873
Michael Jackson got Busted in his hotel room...
They were very frightened.
They were very frightened.
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Tom
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- Thread starter
- #874
Apparently he just entered the number 2 slot
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Wij
Guest
- Thread starter
- #875
*roffle*
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pcg79
Guest
- Thread starter
- #876
Whats the most virulent insect?
Hepatitis Bee
Hepatitis Bee
B
Big G
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- Thread starter
- #877
Removed because of the subsequent "holier than thou" comments.
C
caLLous
Guest
- Thread starter
- #878
Man, that's not even remotely funny.
X
xane
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- Thread starter
- #879
The excessive line spacing does nothing but improve the remoteness and unhumourous content.
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caLLous
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- Thread starter
- #880
Sorry, but you've used a triple negative with a double positive and a quadruple sat-in-the-middle-of-the-road there xane. I'm all sorts of confused. 
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pcg79
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- Thread starter
- #881
sorry
C
caLLous
Guest
- Thread starter
- #882
...for what exactly?
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pcg79
Guest
- Thread starter
- #883
ze joke?
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L_Plates
Guest
- Thread starter
- #884
Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated.
"Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage,
20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and
40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice
and four pints of Guinness."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a
better understanding of what you're a**e is for."
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated.
"Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage,
20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and
40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice
and four pints of Guinness."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a
better understanding of what you're a**e is for."
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Wilier
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- Thread starter
- #885
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."
S
SilverHood
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- Thread starter
- #886
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling and the 86-year-old says, "I've never
felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like yourself, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 86-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into that beaver."
The doctor replied ... "My point exactly"
doctor asks him how he's feeling and the 86-year-old says, "I've never
felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like yourself, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 86-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into that beaver."
The doctor replied ... "My point exactly"
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Scouse
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- Thread starter
- #887
G
Greef
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- Thread starter
- #888
lol
A
Arnor
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- Thread starter
- #889
rofl silverhood 
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SilverHood
Guest
- Thread starter
- #890
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
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SilverHood
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- Thread starter
- #891
A man was standing by his car with the hood up when along came a truck with three men in it. They shouted to the man by the car, "Hi buddy what happened?"
The man replied, "Piston broke."
The man in the truck said, "Jump in, so are we."
----------------
A man and an attractive woman were having a candlelit dinner at a fine restaurant when the waiter noticed the man slowly sliding out of his chair and under the table. The woman seemed not to notice as her companion disappeared out of sight. "Pardon me, ma'am," the waiter said, "but I think your husband is under the table."
"No, he isn't," the woman said, eyeing the waiter calmly. "My husband just walked through the door."
--------------------
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"
------------
A funeral service is being held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying out the casket when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
I'll get meh coat
The man replied, "Piston broke."
The man in the truck said, "Jump in, so are we."
----------------
A man and an attractive woman were having a candlelit dinner at a fine restaurant when the waiter noticed the man slowly sliding out of his chair and under the table. The woman seemed not to notice as her companion disappeared out of sight. "Pardon me, ma'am," the waiter said, "but I think your husband is under the table."
"No, he isn't," the woman said, eyeing the waiter calmly. "My husband just walked through the door."
--------------------
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"
------------
A funeral service is being held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying out the casket when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
I'll get meh coat
S
SilverHood
Guest
- Thread starter
- #892
Last one for today chaps, will have to get my auntie to send me some more
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again."
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again."
T
Tom
Guest
- Thread starter
- #893
The community in a little village decided to build a new community centre
the building was completed the very next day and all in the village decided it was good, but that night the fire brigade were called out because the building was on fire
A little green man was seen running from the building. Unfortunatly the building was burned to the ground and couldn't be saved.
the villager weren't disheartened though, they just set about building the new one, they worked very hard and it was complete the following day.
But again tragidy struck and the building was burned to the ground. And yet again someone saw a little green man running away from the scene.
This continued for many weeks, the villager rebuilt the centre only for it to be burned down again and again and again and again and againa. Each time a little green man was seen running from the scene. Finally one villager got fed up with this and decided to chase the little green man so he ran and he ran and he ran after the little green man, when he finally caught up with the little green man he said to him:
'Oi! Have you been burning down our comminuty centre every night?' and the little green man said:
'Yeah'
the building was completed the very next day and all in the village decided it was good, but that night the fire brigade were called out because the building was on fire
A little green man was seen running from the building. Unfortunatly the building was burned to the ground and couldn't be saved.
the villager weren't disheartened though, they just set about building the new one, they worked very hard and it was complete the following day.
But again tragidy struck and the building was burned to the ground. And yet again someone saw a little green man running away from the scene.
This continued for many weeks, the villager rebuilt the centre only for it to be burned down again and again and again and again and againa. Each time a little green man was seen running from the scene. Finally one villager got fed up with this and decided to chase the little green man so he ran and he ran and he ran after the little green man, when he finally caught up with the little green man he said to him:
'Oi! Have you been burning down our comminuty centre every night?' and the little green man said:
'Yeah'
G
Gef
Guest
- Thread starter
- #894
LOL Tom, best joke eva! Been getting loads of these rugby jokes, i'm sure everybody has but heres one anyway..
----
Martin Johnson, Richard Hill and Jonny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne to Heaven.
God looks at them and says I can only grant two of you a place at my side, tell me why you believe I should give you one of those places.
Addressing Johnson first he asks, Why should I pick you?
Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "and I believe Rugby is to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stand in the terraces supporting their club and country"
God looks up and offers Johnson the seat to his left.
He then turns to Hill, and you Richard, why should you have one of the places?
Hill stands tall and proud, I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I have spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits".
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Hill the final seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, and you, Jonny, what do you believe?
"I believe; says Wilkinson, you are in my seat".
----
Martin Johnson, Richard Hill and Jonny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne to Heaven.
God looks at them and says I can only grant two of you a place at my side, tell me why you believe I should give you one of those places.
Addressing Johnson first he asks, Why should I pick you?
Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "and I believe Rugby is to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stand in the terraces supporting their club and country"
God looks up and offers Johnson the seat to his left.
He then turns to Hill, and you Richard, why should you have one of the places?
Hill stands tall and proud, I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I have spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits".
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Hill the final seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, and you, Jonny, what do you believe?
"I believe; says Wilkinson, you are in my seat".
C
caLLous
Guest
- Thread starter
- #895
I got a new car radio the other day, its pretty cool. You shout soul and it plays soul, you shout rock and it plays rock. The other day some kids ran past my car and i yelled "FUCKING KIDS" and it played Michael Jackson.
D
doh_boy
Guest
- Thread starter
- #896
more of a 'Weird gif of the day
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SilverHood
Guest
- Thread starter
- #897
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to
Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I didn't know we had a choice."
Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I didn't know we had a choice."
P
PR.
Guest
- Thread starter
- #898
To the tune of Mistletoe and Wine:
Christmas time, drunkenness and crime,
Children playing - in filth and grime,
With cars on fire - and trainees under tree Time to rejoice - in be-ing scally,
It's a time for stealing, a time for receiving, Knock-off gear - worra great feelin Why pay top dollar - yer can nick it for free, Just like our lecky, - gas and TV
Christmas time, p*ssups all the time
Nicking ciggies, - spirits and wine
Wearing-shell-suits and Nykees - all knocked off gear It's great getting p1ssed - on someone else's beer
Its a time for drinkin - six packs of Stella Dat yer got - from some dodgy Fella Christmas is sound - Christmas is best God bless our Cilla - and the DHSS
Christmas time - time to joy-ride
Then go and visit - family inside
With Dad on a six stretch - and sis up the duff This 'City of Culcher' can get pretty rough
So next time your driving - through Liverpool-city You may just know why - the streets look so sh1tty So keep a sharp eye out - for those dodgy deals But don't drive too slow - or we'll pinch all four wheels
Christmas time, drunkenness and crime,
Children playing - in filth and grime,
With cars on fire - and trainees under tree Time to rejoice - in be-ing scally,
It's a time for stealing, a time for receiving, Knock-off gear - worra great feelin Why pay top dollar - yer can nick it for free, Just like our lecky, - gas and TV
Christmas time, p*ssups all the time
Nicking ciggies, - spirits and wine
Wearing-shell-suits and Nykees - all knocked off gear It's great getting p1ssed - on someone else's beer
Its a time for drinkin - six packs of Stella Dat yer got - from some dodgy Fella Christmas is sound - Christmas is best God bless our Cilla - and the DHSS
Christmas time - time to joy-ride
Then go and visit - family inside
With Dad on a six stretch - and sis up the duff This 'City of Culcher' can get pretty rough
So next time your driving - through Liverpool-city You may just know why - the streets look so sh1tty So keep a sharp eye out - for those dodgy deals But don't drive too slow - or we'll pinch all four wheels
L
~Lazarus~
Guest
- Thread starter
- #899
There was a Glasgow polis on his horse waiting to cross Sauchiehall Street
when a wee boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
”Nice bike,”the bobby said “Did Santa bring it to you?”
”Ay,” the little boy said,”He did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a #10.00 ticket for a
construction & use offence. The cop said, “Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it.”
The wee boy looked up at the cop and said,”Nice horse you got there ...
sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”
”Yes,he sure did”, chuckled the big Glasgow bobby.
The little boy looked up at him and said, “Next year tell Santa the dick
goes underneath the horse not on top.”
when a wee boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
”Nice bike,”the bobby said “Did Santa bring it to you?”
”Ay,” the little boy said,”He did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a #10.00 ticket for a
construction & use offence. The cop said, “Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it.”
The wee boy looked up at the cop and said,”Nice horse you got there ...
sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”
”Yes,he sure did”, chuckled the big Glasgow bobby.
The little boy looked up at him and said, “Next year tell Santa the dick
goes underneath the horse not on top.”
F
Furr
Guest
- Thread starter
- #900
once upon a time there was a farmer who had a donkey.Life was good for a while but then the donkey became very depressed. After a few years the farmer got pissed off with the donkey for not playing games with him. So the farmer decided that he'd cheer the donkey up. So the farmer decided that to cheer the donkey up he would put up posters asking people to cheer the donkey up with a 500 pound reward.
People came from wide and far to try and cheer the donkey up . Jugglers,clowns, stand up comedians , stoners but none of them worked. and then one day a man came and he said to the farmer "I rekon i can make your donkey laugh" the farmer replied "go ahead have a try"
the man walked over to the donkey and whispered something in the donkeys ear and then all of a sudden the donkey burst out in laughter so the farmer says "well done" and gives the man his money.
A few years go by and the donkeys still fucking laughing so the farmers says ill give another 500 who can shut him up. Loads of people come but none of them worked however then one day the man who made the donkey laughcame back i "rekon i can get him to shut the fuck up"the farmer "says go on then"
the man walks over to the donkey and shows him something. All of a sudden the donkey stops laughing as if it had died on the spot. The farmer was like "wow how the fuck did you get him to do that"
the man says "the first time i told him i had a bigger dick than him and the second time i showed him"
People came from wide and far to try and cheer the donkey up . Jugglers,clowns, stand up comedians , stoners but none of them worked. and then one day a man came and he said to the farmer "I rekon i can make your donkey laugh" the farmer replied "go ahead have a try"
the man walked over to the donkey and whispered something in the donkeys ear and then all of a sudden the donkey burst out in laughter so the farmer says "well done" and gives the man his money.
A few years go by and the donkeys still fucking laughing so the farmers says ill give another 500 who can shut him up. Loads of people come but none of them worked however then one day the man who made the donkey laughcame back i "rekon i can get him to shut the fuck up"the farmer "says go on then"
the man walks over to the donkey and shows him something. All of a sudden the donkey stops laughing as if it had died on the spot. The farmer was like "wow how the fuck did you get him to do that"
the man says "the first time i told him i had a bigger dick than him and the second time i showed him"