L
~Lazarus~
Guest
- Thread starter
- #841
dont worry mal, munkey is just going through his "cycle"
M
Munkey-
Guest
- Thread starter
- #842
explains the joke, has more than one meaning and its always interesting to see which one the person gets first.
On that note, on of my more favourite annoying jokes goes along the lines of:
"How High is a Chinaman"
Can spend hours teasing somebody with that
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #843
So is Jackie Chan; oh wait, I did it again. 
G
Gumbo
Guest
- Thread starter
- #844
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
B
bids
Guest
- Thread starter
- #845
Just bought a David Blaine toy from Toys 'R Us.
Couldn't get the fucker out the box.
Couldn't get the fucker out the box.
P
PR.
Guest
- Thread starter
- #846
Being a humble treatise on the noble and ancient Scottish Urban Martial Arts.
By Salmon Lord
There is to be found in the urban areas of Scotland a hearty and vibrant collection of street combat arts which have hitherto been given scant regard by the wider Martial Arts community.
In an attempt to reverse the sad situation I have compiled this short introduction to some of the arts and some of the more notable techniques.
There are several different schools of Scottish Urban Martial Arts. We shall however constrain ourselves to the study of four, namely:
Kappa-wearer, Ned-Kan-Go, Weegitsu and Pavement Pugilism.
Kappa-wearer and its offshoot Ned-Kan-Go rely for their effectiveness upon a closely co-coordinated group combat approach. Key tactical approaches such as outnumbering your opponent by three to one, and the careful selection of opponents, often termed the ³Specky Wee Naff", mean that these are most effective arts when applied correctly.
Like many arts around the world Kappa-wearer employs a strong hierarchical system with clothing and titles given to denote ones place. The head female in any dojo will be the wearer of the most scrunchies. This leader, or ³Kelly-Marie² as they are officially titled, will also be the possessor of the hooped-earrings (³parrot hangers²) of the largest diameter.
The male sensei is referred to as ³Big Bam² in Ned-Kan-Go and ³Heid Radge² in Kappa-wearer. They will be identifiable by their extra skinny build and by being the possessor of the whitest shell suite. His bailiffs are always identified by the wearing of fake Burberry baseball caps.
Weegitsu takes its name from its original city of origin, although it can be found in practice in and outside public houses throughout the central belt.
This arts most notable technique is the Flying Stop. This consists of running up to the confrontation from some distance away and then stopping exactly two yards outside the range where you can cause any damage to the opponent.
From the Flying Stop the next stage is to engage either in the first or second position. The first position consists in standing square-on to one¹s prospective opponent. The arms should be held straight and slightly behind the body whilst the fingers motion one¹s opponent to come forward and engage in some combat.
The second position involves at least two assistants. In order to achieve this position you physically throw yourself backwards into their arms so that they can hold you back. From this position you should make impressive looking, but deliberately unsuccessful, attempts at escape. The aim is to look like you wish to engage in combat whilst allowing ones adversary every opportunity to leg it to the Black Bull and safety.
Pavement Pugilism is an art that was once practiced across the United Kingdom and beyond. Sadly it has died out in many places but is still to be found outside such famous dojos as "The Shrub" in Leith or "The Saracens Head" in Glasgow. As it takes many years training to reach acknowledged combatant level most skilled practitioners are well into their forties.
Pavement Pugilism has a more formal structure than other arts with great ceremonial importance being placed on the handing of ones coat to an acknowledged Second. After this both combatants should roll up the sleeves of their shirts to reveal the tattooed names of their first and second wives and pictures of notable figures from Irish history.
The next stage of this elaborate process is the combat itself. Fists and foreheads are the only allowed weapons although nobody objects to an "accidentally misplaced" knee to the groin area. Combat will last for 2 rounds of 20 seconds. The first followed by a short scuffle as the seconds attempt to hold back the winner and loser before allowing them to go back to finish the job.
On rare occasions a third deciding round may be initiated by an elaborate ruse whereby both combatants will pretend to be assuaged from their rage.
Upon their release by the seconds they will go back for one final winner-take-all ten second round to decide the victor.
The Victor will thereby return in triumph to his Tennents whilst the loser will be barred for a period of one week. Through a strict honour system they will then meet and formally seal their re-acceptance over twelve pints and a smoked sausage supper, known as "The Bender" before the end of a four week period.
Copyright: Salmon Lord 2003 (buggersgrips@hotmail.com)
Scottish Martial Arts.
By Lord of The Pies
Much is made of recreating the fight techniques of old but here are a few examples of the modern forms of combat on the streets of Scotland, many of which I have witnessed outwith the hostelries of Edinburgh.
In Edinburgh it is known as Weejitsu.
The rules are simple;
Brightly decorated costume- only the finest shellsuits by the best sports suppliers will do (Kappa being a traditional favourite).
Badly balanced weapons- ashtrays, beer glasses etc. Chibs are reserved for F*k-u (see later). These should be thrown close too, but not at, the rival group.
Ritual combat- lots of leaning on lamp posts until the rivals come along.
Taunting from a distance, running close but not so close as to be in danger.
The idea is that the two rival leaders ought to get into shoving range but rely on the fact that their respective mates will pull them apart in the nick of time- usually by the hoods of their shell suits.
Traditional posture and calls- the sleeves of the shell suit jacket ought to have been ritually pulled down to their elbows, trapping the person's own arms. The hands are raised palms inwards and the age-old rallying cry of "Yer Ma!" is shouted.The correct reply is "Yer Ma's Ma!", "Smell ya Ma!" and so on. Think of street Sumo.This continues until the police arrive.
F*k-U- this is the traditional street fighting form of Scotland. It involves much alcohol, lots of headbutting and ends with lots of kicking your rival on the floor. Chibs are allowed (indeed expected in some quarters)and is a "true" form, unlike Weejitsu, which is a junior sport form. Two large women should stand to one side hurling abuse at each other and calling the traditional cry of "Tam/Shug/Rab. Leave him. He's nae worth it!". The participants should be the best of pals by the following week's drinking.
Kappa wearer- the dance form of Scotland's Ned-can-do. Take a large amount of eccies and eggs before going out. Down a bottle of Buckfast and enter a
nightclub- preferably underage. Proceed to throw up on the dance floor and burl about in yer own vomit doing that dance that you saw them doing in Ibiza on the TV.
If you bump into a bloke, leer until they challenge you to a bout of Weejitsu. If it is female assess her social status by the number of scrunchies in her hair and the amount of 9ct gold she has on her hands and ears. This will give a good indication as to her benefits income which will lead to some more beer money for you and a new wean for her.
Copyright: Lord Of The Pies 2003 (buggersgrips@hotmail.com)
By Salmon Lord
There is to be found in the urban areas of Scotland a hearty and vibrant collection of street combat arts which have hitherto been given scant regard by the wider Martial Arts community.
In an attempt to reverse the sad situation I have compiled this short introduction to some of the arts and some of the more notable techniques.
There are several different schools of Scottish Urban Martial Arts. We shall however constrain ourselves to the study of four, namely:
Kappa-wearer, Ned-Kan-Go, Weegitsu and Pavement Pugilism.
Kappa-wearer and its offshoot Ned-Kan-Go rely for their effectiveness upon a closely co-coordinated group combat approach. Key tactical approaches such as outnumbering your opponent by three to one, and the careful selection of opponents, often termed the ³Specky Wee Naff", mean that these are most effective arts when applied correctly.
Like many arts around the world Kappa-wearer employs a strong hierarchical system with clothing and titles given to denote ones place. The head female in any dojo will be the wearer of the most scrunchies. This leader, or ³Kelly-Marie² as they are officially titled, will also be the possessor of the hooped-earrings (³parrot hangers²) of the largest diameter.
The male sensei is referred to as ³Big Bam² in Ned-Kan-Go and ³Heid Radge² in Kappa-wearer. They will be identifiable by their extra skinny build and by being the possessor of the whitest shell suite. His bailiffs are always identified by the wearing of fake Burberry baseball caps.
Weegitsu takes its name from its original city of origin, although it can be found in practice in and outside public houses throughout the central belt.
This arts most notable technique is the Flying Stop. This consists of running up to the confrontation from some distance away and then stopping exactly two yards outside the range where you can cause any damage to the opponent.
From the Flying Stop the next stage is to engage either in the first or second position. The first position consists in standing square-on to one¹s prospective opponent. The arms should be held straight and slightly behind the body whilst the fingers motion one¹s opponent to come forward and engage in some combat.
The second position involves at least two assistants. In order to achieve this position you physically throw yourself backwards into their arms so that they can hold you back. From this position you should make impressive looking, but deliberately unsuccessful, attempts at escape. The aim is to look like you wish to engage in combat whilst allowing ones adversary every opportunity to leg it to the Black Bull and safety.
Pavement Pugilism is an art that was once practiced across the United Kingdom and beyond. Sadly it has died out in many places but is still to be found outside such famous dojos as "The Shrub" in Leith or "The Saracens Head" in Glasgow. As it takes many years training to reach acknowledged combatant level most skilled practitioners are well into their forties.
Pavement Pugilism has a more formal structure than other arts with great ceremonial importance being placed on the handing of ones coat to an acknowledged Second. After this both combatants should roll up the sleeves of their shirts to reveal the tattooed names of their first and second wives and pictures of notable figures from Irish history.
The next stage of this elaborate process is the combat itself. Fists and foreheads are the only allowed weapons although nobody objects to an "accidentally misplaced" knee to the groin area. Combat will last for 2 rounds of 20 seconds. The first followed by a short scuffle as the seconds attempt to hold back the winner and loser before allowing them to go back to finish the job.
On rare occasions a third deciding round may be initiated by an elaborate ruse whereby both combatants will pretend to be assuaged from their rage.
Upon their release by the seconds they will go back for one final winner-take-all ten second round to decide the victor.
The Victor will thereby return in triumph to his Tennents whilst the loser will be barred for a period of one week. Through a strict honour system they will then meet and formally seal their re-acceptance over twelve pints and a smoked sausage supper, known as "The Bender" before the end of a four week period.
Copyright: Salmon Lord 2003 (buggersgrips@hotmail.com)
Scottish Martial Arts.
By Lord of The Pies
Much is made of recreating the fight techniques of old but here are a few examples of the modern forms of combat on the streets of Scotland, many of which I have witnessed outwith the hostelries of Edinburgh.
In Edinburgh it is known as Weejitsu.
The rules are simple;
Brightly decorated costume- only the finest shellsuits by the best sports suppliers will do (Kappa being a traditional favourite).
Badly balanced weapons- ashtrays, beer glasses etc. Chibs are reserved for F*k-u (see later). These should be thrown close too, but not at, the rival group.
Ritual combat- lots of leaning on lamp posts until the rivals come along.
Taunting from a distance, running close but not so close as to be in danger.
The idea is that the two rival leaders ought to get into shoving range but rely on the fact that their respective mates will pull them apart in the nick of time- usually by the hoods of their shell suits.
Traditional posture and calls- the sleeves of the shell suit jacket ought to have been ritually pulled down to their elbows, trapping the person's own arms. The hands are raised palms inwards and the age-old rallying cry of "Yer Ma!" is shouted.The correct reply is "Yer Ma's Ma!", "Smell ya Ma!" and so on. Think of street Sumo.This continues until the police arrive.
F*k-U- this is the traditional street fighting form of Scotland. It involves much alcohol, lots of headbutting and ends with lots of kicking your rival on the floor. Chibs are allowed (indeed expected in some quarters)and is a "true" form, unlike Weejitsu, which is a junior sport form. Two large women should stand to one side hurling abuse at each other and calling the traditional cry of "Tam/Shug/Rab. Leave him. He's nae worth it!". The participants should be the best of pals by the following week's drinking.
Kappa wearer- the dance form of Scotland's Ned-can-do. Take a large amount of eccies and eggs before going out. Down a bottle of Buckfast and enter a
nightclub- preferably underage. Proceed to throw up on the dance floor and burl about in yer own vomit doing that dance that you saw them doing in Ibiza on the TV.
If you bump into a bloke, leer until they challenge you to a bout of Weejitsu. If it is female assess her social status by the number of scrunchies in her hair and the amount of 9ct gold she has on her hands and ears. This will give a good indication as to her benefits income which will lead to some more beer money for you and a new wean for her.
Copyright: Lord Of The Pies 2003 (buggersgrips@hotmail.com)
L
~Lazarus~
Guest
- Thread starter
- #847
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work at high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necssary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work at high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necssary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
T
Testin da Cable
Guest
- Thread starter
- #848
hmm I get those reasons listed as well on my rejection when I apply for a raise
M
Maljonic
Guest
- Thread starter
- #849
Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen-- unless he were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who's creating an army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.
To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen-- unless he were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who's creating an army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.
O
old.UKTwister
Guest
- Thread starter
- #850
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'dlike to buy: a
3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm REALLY going to give it to
this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!"
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy hows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
Oh I 'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where thegirl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back,
I had no idea your father was a f**king...... pharmacist".
dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'dlike to buy: a
3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm REALLY going to give it to
this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!"
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy hows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
Oh I 'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where thegirl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back,
I had no idea your father was a f**king...... pharmacist".
M
Munkey-
Guest
- Thread starter
- #851
get out the zimmer frame folks!!!
G
Gumbo
Guest
- Thread starter
- #852
A family pack would be a mite disturbing don't you think?
A
Any
Guest
- Thread starter
- #853
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
M
Munkey-
Guest
- Thread starter
- #854
Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. He comes to a ward full of people who seem to have nothing wrong with them. He goes to the first bed and says "Well, how are you." The patient looks him straight in the eye and says "The best lay schemes of mice and men gang aft aglay!". Tony smiles politely, and walks to the next bed, where the patient greets him with a hearty "Och, gi'us a gift, the gift he gi'us, to see ourselves as other's see us." Slightly confused, Tony tries to strike up a conversation with yet another inmate, but this one just mutters "Och, my luv's like a red, red, rose that's newly sprung in June" repeatedly.
"Is this the psychiatric ward?" says Tony.
"No," the ward sister replies. "It's the burns unit."
"Is this the psychiatric ward?" says Tony.
"No," the ward sister replies. "It's the burns unit."
D
dysfunction
Guest
- Thread starter
- #855
Shops have started selling Tampax with bells and little
flashing lights.
Apparently it's for the Christmas period only!
flashing lights.
Apparently it's for the Christmas period only!
L
L_Plates
Guest
- Thread starter
- #856
Thats so old D
C
Clowneh!
Guest
- Thread starter
- #857
Happy BArfday :hat:
B
bids
Guest
- Thread starter
- #858
Christmas at the McCartney's
Paul is doing his Christmas shopping, and decides to buy Heather a new artificial leg - He wraps it up, takes it home and hides it in the wardrobe.
However, Heather is doing the housework a couple of days later, and she finds it - So she phones up Paul, and says "That's really nice of you, but I hope it's not my MAIN Christmas present ?"
Paul replies:- "No no no, it's just a stocking filler"
Paul is doing his Christmas shopping, and decides to buy Heather a new artificial leg - He wraps it up, takes it home and hides it in the wardrobe.
However, Heather is doing the housework a couple of days later, and she finds it - So she phones up Paul, and says "That's really nice of you, but I hope it's not my MAIN Christmas present ?"
Paul replies:- "No no no, it's just a stocking filler"
A
Ash!
Guest
- Thread starter
- #859
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there, Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a pro mise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.
.
"I KNEW IT,......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
When they get there, Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a pro mise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.
.
"I KNEW IT,......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
L
~Lazarus~
Guest
- Thread starter
- #860
This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.
So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough,Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find
Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhhh .. they're getting closer."
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.
So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough,Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find
Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhhh .. they're getting closer."
S
Scouse
Guest
- Thread starter
- #861
Cracking
J
Jupitus
Guest
- Thread starter
- #862
While on his state visit to England, George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing the way my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."
Bush thought long and hard and eventually asked "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
I'll get my coat....
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."
Bush thought long and hard and eventually asked "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
I'll get my coat....
C
Clowneh!
Guest
- Thread starter
- #863
"I'll get my coat"
It's a joke how so many people say it after they post theirs.
I'll get my coat...
It's a joke how so many people say it after they post theirs.
I'll get my coat...
T
Tenko
Guest
- Thread starter
- #864
How did the FBI guys at Neverland know it was time for bed?
The Big hand was touching the little hand.
BA-DA-BUM.
<Deathly silence and tumbleweed to follow>
The Big hand was touching the little hand.
BA-DA-BUM.
<Deathly silence and tumbleweed to follow>
P
PR.
Guest
- Thread starter
- #865
Get your coat!
The FBI were searching Michael Jacksons house and they found:
Class A drugs in the kitchen
Class B drugs in the bathroom
and....
Class 5C in the bedroom
L
L_Plates
Guest
- Thread starter
- #866
Why are women like laxatives?
Because they irritate the shit out of men.
* TAXI *
Because they irritate the shit out of men.
* TAXI *
D
Damini
Guest
- Thread starter
- #867
The chances of this not being already in this thread are minimal, but I'm going to post it anyway because I'll be damned if I'm reading the whole thing again to find out...
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
S
(Shovel)
Guest
- Thread starter
- #868
I didn't read this thread for ages, but that made me laugh a lot Just as well given the Hierarchical Task Analysis I have to finish for tomorrow...What is a "quart" of something, though?
D
Deadmanwalking
Guest
- Thread starter
- #869
Yet another MJ joke. Not sure if its been said but here it is anyway.
To protest his innocence Micheal Jackson released a new song after his arrest, called..
Don't let you son/sun go down on me
(Works so much better when said not read )
To protest his innocence Micheal Jackson released a new song after his arrest, called..
Don't let you son/sun go down on me
(Works so much better when said not read
)
B
Brynn
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- Thread starter
- #870
Hear they are putting Viagra in Disestive Bisuits? When you dunk them in your tea they stay hard