Bad taste The Bad Taste Joke Thread

[Aoami]

Lol. That Indian one... there is bad taste and there is just downright bad haha.

 

[TdC]

my bro is a barrel of laughs really 0o

Hypnotist.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the
community singsong led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of
the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his
waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want
you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high
for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in
my family for six generations", said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting -
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch". The audience
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the lights twinkling
as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. One hundred and fifty
pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. And then,
suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and
burst apart on impact".

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre.

Reincarnation.

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No,I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.The next thing he knew,he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' advised the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Fred, wake up! You've shit the bed!"

 

[old.Osy]

A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go.
The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the rest of the week selling record amounts of computers and TVs and other goods.
The following Monday, the boss got a call - it was the new employee calling in. "Sorry boss - I'm really sick!" The boss was getting more annoyed with him.
Tuesday the young guy was in and selling even more than last week. He finished up the week making a new record for sales for his state.
Next Monday the new guy called in sick again and the boss decided it was time for a chat with him.
So on Tuesday the guy rocks up to work and the boss pulls him aside. "Bob, you're a great salesman, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays - What's going on?"

Spoiler

"Well boss. My sister's just gone through an awful divorce and she calls me every Monday morning crying, so I go over to her house and comfort her. We always wind up making love for the rest of the day..."
"THAT'S SICK!"
"I told you..."

 

[Billargh]

The Xbox One.

 

[Gumbo]

If Michael Douglas really believes he got cancer from oral sex then he's gone down a lot in my estimation.

(It's about a week late, but meh, I've been busy)

 

[TdC]

http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=rimshot

 

[Gumbo]

Alright, I'll try another one.

Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.

He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.

The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”

Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………

And he’s the bastard who ran my frog over!”


Oh, and I've got a corker ready for when Nelson Mandela shuffles off this mortal coil. It's in such bad taste I'm not even sure I could type it in here.

 

[Aoami]

post it now!

 

[TdC]

my bro the barrrel of laughs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair​

With his secretary.​

​

One day they went to her place​

And made love all afternoon.​

​

Exhausted, they fell asleep​

And woke up at 8 PM.​

​

The man hurriedly dressed​

And told his lover to take his shoes​

Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.​

​

He put on his shoes and drove home.​

​

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.​

​

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,​

​

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.​

We had sex all afternoon.'​

​

She looked down at his shoes and said:​

​

'You lying bastard!​

You've been playing golf!'​

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters​

But always talked about having a son.​

​

They decided to try one last time​

For the son they always wanted.​

​

The wife got pregnant​

And delivered a healthy baby boy.​

​

The joyful father rushed to the nursery​

To see his new son.​

​

He was horrified at the ugliest child​

He had ever seen.​

​

He told his wife:​

​

'There's no way I can​

Be the father of this baby.​

Look at the two beautiful daughters​

I fathered!​

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'​

​

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:​

'No, not this time!'​

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.​

​

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,​

About to be cremated,​

And made a startling discovery.​

Schwartz had the​

largest private part​

He had ever seen!​

​

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician​

Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated​

With such an impressive private part.​

It must be saved for posterity.'​

​

So, he removed it,​

Stuffed it into his briefcase,​

And took it home.​

​

'I have something to show​

You won't​

believe,' he said to his wife,​

Opening his briefcase.​

​

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,​

'Schwartz is dead!'​

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover​

When she heard her husband​

Opening the front door.​

​

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'​

​

She rubbed baby oil all over him,​

Then dusted him with talcum powder.​

​

'Don't move until I tell you,'​

She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'​

​

'What's this?' the husband inquired​

As he entered the room.​

​

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.​

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it​

So I got one for us, too.'​

​

No more was said,​

Not even when they went to bed.​

​

Around 2 AM the husband got up,​

Went to the kitchen and returned​

With a sandwich and a beer.​

​

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.​

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths​

And nobody offered me a damned thing.'​

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,​

Went to the bar and ordered a beer.​

​

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'​

​

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.​

​

He glanced at the menu and asked:​

'How much for a nice juicy steak​

And a bottle of wine?'​

​

'A nickel,' the barman replied.​

​

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.​

'Where's the guy who owns​

this place?'​

​

The bartender replied:​

'Upstairs, with my wife.'​

​

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'​

​

The bartender replied:​

'The same thing I'm doing​

To his business down here.'​

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.​

​

He looked up and said weakly:​

'I have something I must confess.'​

​

'There's no need to', his wife replied.​

​

'No,' he insisted,​

'I want to die in peace.​

I slept with your sister, your best friend,​

Her best friend and your mother!'​

​

'I know,' she​

replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'​

 

[Billargh]

Oh, and I've got a corker ready for when Nelson Mandela shuffles off this mortal coil. It's in such bad taste I'm not even sure I could type it in here.

Building it up too much man, we're all going to be disappointed when you finally release it.

 

[Gumbo]

To be fair I only expected him to last another day or so having watched the Mother in Law succumb to pneumonia earlier this year in 10 days or so. He's a tough old fella that's for sure.

 

[BloodOmen]

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

---

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

---

Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

---

A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those fucking Rowntree's Randoms!"

 

[BloodOmen]

"Are we going into this pole dancing place" asked my welsh friend.
"Mate, thats a kebab shop" I replied.

 

[BloodOmen]

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."

- - - - -

What's the difference between Canada, Mexico and America?

America has nice neighbours.

- - - - -

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
- - - - -
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm fucking not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."
- - - - -
My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent last month.
Simon said, "What is your act?"
I said, "Magic."
He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
I said, "Yes, once."
He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck."

 

[TdC]

my bro the laugh machine at it again in the mail:


I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[BloodOmen]

I was licking my girlfriend's minge last night when she suddenly pushed my head away.

"What's wrong?" I asked, wiping the juice from my lips.

"She's about to give birth," replied the midwife.

- - - - -

An Indian man on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"

"Yes, my husband."

"My son and daughter, are you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Then who's in the fucking shop?"

- - - - -

We were walking past the local community centre in our town when we saw a window licker, or 'mong' if you will.

Fucking funniest thing we ever saw.

"Fucktard", shouted one of my mates. We all laughed.
"Bed soiler", shouted Jack, the joker of the pack. We laughed even harder.
"American" I yelled.

No laughter.

My mates looked away. An awkward silence descended for what seemed like minutes.

Finally Jack turned to me with a look of sadness in his eyes.

"Too far mate. Too far."
- - - - -
I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.

I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."

"Don't you mean history?" she replied.

I said, "Don't try to change the subject."

- - - - -

I witnessed a man raping a pig the other day and I have to admit I was pretty turned on.
But this morning I was arrested.
Apparently its illegal to not come to the assistance of a police officer in trouble.

 

[Scouse]

I witnessed a man raping a pig the other day and I have to admit I was pretty turned on.
But this morning I was arrested.
Apparently its illegal to not come to the assistance of a police officer in trouble.

Win

 

[Aoami]

guy with downs syndrome walks into a bar

barman says why the mong face?

 

[Job]

Golden Wonder has announced that for every multipack of NikNaks sold, 50% of profits shall be donated to the Pakistan flood appeal. The aim is to provide rain coats and temporary housing for the victims. The NikNak paki mac give a wog a home scheme starts Monday.

 

[caLLous]

 

[Aoami]

12 years never forget

 

[old.Tohtori]

12 years never forget

How can we with yearly reminders?

 

[Edmond]

How can we with yearly reminders?

Yeah, its almost becoming an annual thing.....

 

[old.Tohtori]

Yeah, its almost becoming an annual thing.....

Annual is fine, just not every year you know.

 

[caLLous]

I get 10 years, maybe 15, probably 20... but I don't see the significance of 12.

Out of interest, to the London people, is 7/7 commemorated annually?

 

[Overdriven]

I get 10 years, maybe 15, probably 20... but I don't see the significance of 12.

Out of interest, to the London people, is 7/7 commemorated annually?

The news here doesn't explode as much as the news explodes in the US about explosions.

 

[Billargh]

The news here doesn't explode as much as the news explodes in the US about explosions.

Explosions you say?

 

[Hawkwind]

Out of interest, to the London people, is 7/7 commemorated annually?

No, were still stuck in 1914-18 and 1936-45. Lets face it the US has no history so they will cling on to anything significant. Throwing a few crates of tea off a ship for instance.

 

[Raven]

I get 10 years, maybe 15, probably 20... but I don't see the significance of 12.

Out of interest, to the London people, is 7/7 commemorated annually?

It's nothing new in London or the UK, what with the IRA and all that shit. Obviously nothing on the scale of 11/9 but nothing new.

 

[Mabs]

isnt 11/9 the annivesary of the day the NORAID money to the IRA dried up ? or did i miss something