L
luktar
Guest
Your Own Big Brother!
Day 1 - Harmless admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Piffany. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Jenna is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Coren later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Blej creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Xorta hits him with a Knife.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Whitehouse out of Pasta. After much persuasion by Blej, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Whitehouse task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Coren, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Pasta. Xorta is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Whitehouse task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Coren farts and blows Whitehouse over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Piffany cries.
6 - Blej gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Piffany admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Knife. Harmless says he never wears condoms because they make his Nose sore and Blej agrees. Jenna goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Coren sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Blej.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Harmless goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Xorta and Piffany are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Harmless.
9 - Xorta and Piffany are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Jenna sings them a song - Dem Hibbies - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Piffany out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Piffany leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Piffany's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Jenna has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Xorta is visibly depressed and is comforted by Blej, who tries to touch her on her Armpit.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Blej touching Xorta's Armpit over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Coren refuses to run because his Nose hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Coren finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Xorta calls Coren a lazy Nose.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Harmless tells everyone individually that he thinks Xorta is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Xorta and Blej are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Harmless.
16 - The nominations are announced. Xorta can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Blej is equally stunned and turns to Xorta for comfort. Coren is distraught and confesses to Jenna that he thinks he is in love with Blej. Jenna says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Blej out of the house. Xorta says she is gutted and even gives Blej a clipping of hair from her Armpit to prove how much she cares. Coren is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Blej leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Xorta clipping the hair from her Armpit. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Hibernia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Hibernia sounds like but Coren says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Harmless as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Harmless successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Hibernia but also God Save The Queen, Dem Hibbies and the theme tune to Jay Leno. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Harmless tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Coren and Jenna are nominated.
23 - Coren and Jenna take their nominations well and sit down with Harmless and Xorta to discuss why they voted for them. Harmless keeps quiet but Xorta accuses Coren of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Nose before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Jenna out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Jenna leaves.
25 - Harmless becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Harmless's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Hippo
dung using only a Knife. Harmless is unsure but Coren is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Coren breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Hippo incident from his childhood. Xorta tries to persuade him to stay but Harmless sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Coren decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Hippo dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Xorta from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Harmless asks Xorta to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Harmless nominates Xorta to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Xorta.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Xorta graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Harmless is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Harmless takes his £70,000 and runs away to Hibernia. Nobody, including Xorta, ever sees him again.
Day 1 - Harmless admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Piffany. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Jenna is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Coren later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Blej creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Xorta hits him with a Knife.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Whitehouse out of Pasta. After much persuasion by Blej, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Whitehouse task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Coren, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Pasta. Xorta is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Whitehouse task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Coren farts and blows Whitehouse over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Piffany cries.
6 - Blej gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Piffany admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Knife. Harmless says he never wears condoms because they make his Nose sore and Blej agrees. Jenna goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Coren sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Blej.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Harmless goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Xorta and Piffany are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Harmless.
9 - Xorta and Piffany are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Jenna sings them a song - Dem Hibbies - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Piffany out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Piffany leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Piffany's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Jenna has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Xorta is visibly depressed and is comforted by Blej, who tries to touch her on her Armpit.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Blej touching Xorta's Armpit over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Coren refuses to run because his Nose hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Coren finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Xorta calls Coren a lazy Nose.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Harmless tells everyone individually that he thinks Xorta is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Xorta and Blej are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Harmless.
16 - The nominations are announced. Xorta can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Blej is equally stunned and turns to Xorta for comfort. Coren is distraught and confesses to Jenna that he thinks he is in love with Blej. Jenna says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Blej out of the house. Xorta says she is gutted and even gives Blej a clipping of hair from her Armpit to prove how much she cares. Coren is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Blej leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Xorta clipping the hair from her Armpit. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Hibernia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Hibernia sounds like but Coren says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Harmless as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Harmless successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Hibernia but also God Save The Queen, Dem Hibbies and the theme tune to Jay Leno. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Harmless tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Coren and Jenna are nominated.
23 - Coren and Jenna take their nominations well and sit down with Harmless and Xorta to discuss why they voted for them. Harmless keeps quiet but Xorta accuses Coren of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Nose before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Jenna out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Jenna leaves.
25 - Harmless becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Harmless's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Hippo
dung using only a Knife. Harmless is unsure but Coren is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.27 - Completely out of the blue, Coren breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Hippo
incident from his childhood. Xorta tries to persuade him to stay but Harmless sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Coren decides to leave.28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Hippo
dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Xorta from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Harmless asks Xorta to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Harmless nominates Xorta to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Xorta.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Xorta graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Harmless is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Harmless takes his £70,000 and runs away to Hibernia. Nobody, including Xorta, ever sees him again.
