J. O. T. D.

[Maljonic]

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

 

[dysfunction]

Q. What do you call an Indian bloke with pink hair?

A. Ghandi Floss.

 

[mank!]

That is the worst joke so far.

ugh.

 

[Clowneh!]

apart from all of his others?

 

[dysfunction]

But it was funny ffs!!!

 

[mank!]

Funny like mass genocide.

 

[Maljonic]

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.
Sarah said, 'Cows have spots.'

Terrence said, 'Baseball is a sport.'

Carla said, 'Computers are electronic.'

Bobby said, 'Urinate.'

Mrs. Flebs said, 'Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.'

Bobby said, 'Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.'

 

[dysfunction]

This bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles,one is already occupied. So he enters the other one, closes the door,drops'em and sits down.

A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him
"G'day mate, how are you going?"

Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies "Yeh, not too bad thanks"

After a short pause, he hears the voice again
"So, what are you up to mate?"

Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, replies "Amm, just having a quick dump. How about yourself?"

He then hears the voice for the 3rd time.....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some idiot next to me answering all my questions"

 

[Moving Target]

Originally posted by mank!
Funny like mass genocide.

My ribs...are hurting! :chortle:

 

[xane]

The sheriff walks into the local saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

 

[Wij]

FFS XENA THAT IS TOO OLD !!!!!!!!!!!!!11















"I say, I say , I say ! My wife's gone to the West Indies."

"Jamaica ?"

"Yes - I got the yardies to kidnap her."

 

[Gef]

This is pretty old but never been posted, funny tho

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics).

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engined airplane the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

 

[Testin da Cable]

rofl

 

[xane]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and then supply a new definition. Here are this
year's winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a pain in the arse.

 

[Gef]

 

[old.tRoG]

 

[PR.]

fucking lol!

 

[mookie]

that girl is in the missus' little brothers class at school. he said she's a goth. HAR

 

[Big G]

goths suck.

That's the best photoshop i've seen, was pmsl for ages.

Gaz

 

[Maljonic]

Bob is a normal bloke out at a local pub one night having a good time, Jack, the bartender and owner of the pub, offered him another drink. As he served the drink Bob spoke up.
"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"

"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"

"Well Jack, I'll bet you £1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."

Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna be the easiest grand I've ever made." So the bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."

Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got." Bob unzipped his fly and started pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over.

Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at you dumb shit? You just lost £1,000!"

"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the pin-striped suit writing out a check?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"Well I just bet him £10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."

 

[xane]

Seeing as my text jokes are bad, I'll start posting some funny videos.

f*ckyou.com (7MB, SFW) mirror 1 mirror 2

 

[Maljonic]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

 

[Maljonic]

Silly things to do in a lift...

If anyone uses a lift on a regular basis, it might be funny to try one of these now and again... don't read them all at once, it will get irritating, just pick one at random and have a go...

Make racing car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.

Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

Meow occasionally.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the lift.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Bring a chair along.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."


Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.


Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!" Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.

Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax

Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all of your three children were conceived in this very lift. And point and say "it was up against that wall"

Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE GROUND IS FALLING!"

Let your mobile phone ring - dont anwser it.

Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of being burried alive. Ah those were the days"

On entering, ask the passengers if they want to be your friend. Burst into tears if they say no.

Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a headset "this is lift number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for permission to depart, over"

Take shoes off before entering, Look shocked and disgusted when the others dont.

Insist, the lift ride costs £2.50

Describe in detail, how you're "hung like a horse"

"I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves" Over and over again.

Challenge the guy stood next to you to a "thumb war".

Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.

Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently stamp on the floor while screaming "Die you bastard, die DIIEEE!"

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Explain to the passengers that this lift looks the same as the ones on all the other floors.

Point a fire extinguisher at the door as it opens and a passenger tries to enter, ready, aim, and bend the nozzle round and cover yourself with foam.

 

[WPKenny]

Originally posted by Maljonic
Bob is a normal bloke out at a local pub one night having a good time, Jack, the bartender and owner of the pub, offered him another drink. As he served the drink Bob spoke up.
"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"

"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"

"Well Jack, I'll bet you £1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."

Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna be the easiest grand I've ever made." So the bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."

Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got." Bob unzipped his fly and started pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over.

Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at you dumb shit? You just lost £1,000!"

"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the pin-striped suit writing out a check?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"Well I just bet him £10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."

You've not seen Desperado then?

 

[whipped]

I knew I recognised that one from somewhere. Cheers Kenny.

 

[Maljonic]

Originally posted by WPKenny
You've not seen Desperado then?

No, take it the joke or similar was said/done in that film; so what?

 

[Maljonic]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

[old.Dillinja]

Originally posted by Maljonic
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Nice one!

 

[dysfunction]

 

[Gef]

From the Stella awards

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and Expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued. And won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance Company that the claim was frivolous, however; the judge stated that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire, " and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid ¤15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.....................................

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had Him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON ! ! ! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a ¤24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.