J. O. T. D.

T

Testin da Cable

Guest
well, I found that one funny, since my gf's just gotten back from a 6 month tour of Oz heh. no, don't ask. anyway, I wonder what Amobea thinks of it ;)
 
M

Maljonic

Guest
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
 
C

Clowneh!

Guest
i meant like, do you wonder what amoeba thinks 'it' and i asked if 'it' was your gf :(
maybe
i cant remember
 
L

~Lazarus~

Guest
how does Wij spell refrigerator?

O
I
C
U
R
M
T
 
B

Big G

Guest
Michael meyer, fell in the fire

Burns
















(joke poetry?)
 
G

Gef

Guest
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says....

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
 
M

Maljonic

Guest
A Protestant, a Catholic, , and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Protestant.

"That's nothing!'' said the Catholic. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
 
S

SilverHood

Guest
mal, that was in very very bad taste :)

A girl was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided the brothel where the girl worked
and the police had all the prostitutes line up outside.
Just then, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Not wanting her grandma to know the truth, the girl said the first
thing that came into her head.
"I'm queuing up for some free oranges, granny, they're handing them out here today."
"Ooh, that's nice, dear, "said the granny. "I'll think I'll get
some, too." And with that she joined the queue.
By this time, a policeman was going down the line asking for some
information from the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You're so old, how do you do it?"
"Oh, it's easy," replied grandma. "I just take my dentures out and
suck them dry."
 
S

SilverHood

Guest
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt
guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice
that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're s
ingle. Just let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to
reality:


"Dave, you're a vet..."
 
G

Gef

Guest
A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £9,500,000.... Woooohooo!!!!"

"That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, "Just fuck off!".
 
G

Gef

Guest
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'
 
L

~Lazarus~

Guest
STAGGERING STATISTICS - THANK GOODNESS FOR BRITAIN!

We are so proud to be British because.................

* Only in Britain can a Pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

* Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

* Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet Coke.

* Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters

* Only in Britain do we leave thousands of pounds worth of cars on the drive and lock our cheap lawnmowers, Christmas decorations and other junk in the garage.

* Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

* Only in Britain do we have disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.


PLUS....................................

* 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

* 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

* 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

* 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

* 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

* British hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

* 101 people since 1999 have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

* 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouths.

* A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

* 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.


And finally......................

* In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the loo.
 
M

Maljonic

Guest
that's not a joke; it's just a load of made-up statistics...
 
W

whipped

Guest
I imagine they may not be made up. There are a lot of stupid people out there.
 
S

Sir Frizz

Guest
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
Click to expand...

Do this all the time. :)
 
L

~Lazarus~

Guest
Originally posted by Maljonic
that's not a joke; it's just a load of made-up statistics...
Click to expand...

yeah - but this is MY thread, so I can post what I want if I think its "amusing" :D :D :D :D
 
G

Gef

Guest
I read the 'injury' bit ages ago, but someone cunningly changed 'Brits' for 'Australians'. Strange how these things get reworked.

But its still old :p
 
M

Maljonic

Guest
It's the same thing with the flight engineer stuff; the airline/airforce always changes but the dialogue is always the same...
 
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