This is Shit!

[[GA]KillMachine]

My god, thats some of the funniest stuff i've ever read

/me is getting a printout!

------------------
[GA]KillMachine
extreme@barrysworld.com

 

[FingerMagnet]

We all do it, but have you ever really thought about it?
Here is your chance!
*****************************
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end
up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you
dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your
knees,and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet
brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of
the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts
out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of
your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet
water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished
with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you.
Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a
frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close
resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in
the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down
when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got
to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and
size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space
remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling
up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of
your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles
and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't
warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand
innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin
and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the
place.

***********************
Anyone else got anything to add?


THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD"
SHIT
No explanation required.

 

[memski]

Damn, finger magnet you've got a thing about shit haven't u m8

Must say that I'm familiar with the lincoln log ooh and the "power dump" though....

 

[CrimsonHaze]

Sounds pretty shit to me


hehehahhah

 

[CrimsonHaze]

You forgot one!

THE RE-DECORATE SHIT or SHITE as we say in England. This is the one that comes out in wide angle spray mode and when you look down to toilet... it ees just brown man.. no white bits to be seeen,

and then you look at the back of your legs.....

 

[FingerMagnet]

Ta, Memski, [GA]KillMachine and CrimsonHaze. Thanks for your comments! Although Memski, I think u gave us too much personal information ;-)

Look out for the next instalment, coming soon.

 

[[GA]Kryten]

FUCKING ROFL!!!
Im poised outta MUY Face thatr is just so class: )
Ill read it again when im sobeer

Very funny

LOL

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**[GA]Kryten**
redalert@barrysworld.co.uk
Q2BAttleUK Admin

 

[[GA]Kryten]

THE PROJECTILE SHIT - Kinda like projectile vomiting -cept it comes out da udder end

Also, in many cases, known to cause severe nausia in those who are not evacuated from the building immediatly

THE SQUAT SHIT - Ya know - when you are at one of those public/mobile loos. The kind where ya can look down and see the product of past shits. So much so, you close your eyes, squat with yours hand between arse and seat - and go for it - and maybe even listen for when shit hits water - and work out how deep the hole is

Both above are a little lame - im pissed

------------------
**[GA]Kryten**
redalert@barrysworld.co.uk
Q2BAttleUK Admin

 

[[GA]Kryten]

lame attempts follow - a different topic

THE "WATERING CAN" PISS
The kind where the piss just seems to leave the crevice in a random manner , generally making a mess of the persons house you are at, creating panic as you scurry round with bog roll

THE "I NEED TO GO BUT I CANT" PISS
Where You Are Desperate to go for a piss - but at the time of letting loose what is hopefully gonna be a bladderful of steaming yellow piss, absolutely sod all comes out.

THE "OH FFS NOT NOW" PISS
Where You Are Dying To Go For A Piss And No Facilities (except a nearby flowerpot) a available. You are then obliged to let go up the nearest wall unseen by the general public

THE "FUCKING HELL WILL THIS EVER END" PISS
Self Explanitory - You are stood for ages at the pisspot, just going, going, going, going, and it never seems to end. If in a pub, several ppl come and go, couples come in and out to shag, you see generations of drunks come through till you shake off and leave

THE "YOUR JOKING" PISS
The sort, that after dying to go, you stand over the pisspot, ready to release a mass off liquid. Instead, a little trickle pours out, sod all else. Similar to the "I Need To Go But I Cant" piss. Usually makes the pisser need to shit aswell (see original Shit Posts)

THE "Wow" PISS
One of those pisses that just needs to be told to other ppl - Hey, i just pissed a full bladder in less then 20 seconds, or even Hey, I Just Pissed For 10 Minutes Flat

THE PISSED PISS
Again, you piss when your pissed.This piss is mostly pissed anyware available, not caring for the sight/nasal senses of nearby members of the public - who usually see it all.

Thats all i can arsed to do - after all im pissed

-better point out these were all made up quickly, 10 minutes

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**[GA]Kryten**
redalert@barrysworld.co.uk
Q2BAttleUK Admin



[This message has been edited by [GA]Kryten (edited 25 June 1999).]

 

[FingerMagnet]

That's total class, [GA]Kryten!

THE CONFUSED PISS
The kind where you start to piss, but half way through you realise that you need to let "rip". Unfortunately, as the fart emerges you're suddenly made aware of the need to "follow through". Oh dear.

DAM I NEED TO PISS OR MY BLADDER IS GOING TO EXPLODE - PISS
No explanation required!

THE ECSTASY PISS
The piss that gives you the most unbelievable natural high. Usually following a "DAM I NEED TO PISS OR MY BLADDER IS GOING TO EXPLODE - PISS"

 

[s@xon]

Let me know is this is going too far

[This message has been edited by s@xon (edited 25 June 1999).]

 

[[GA]Kryten]

Now im sober - that is the most disgusting thing ever!!! OMG!
ta fingermagnet - They wernt bad attempts since i was hammered

THE CONFUSED PISS
The kind where you start to piss, but half way through you realise that you need to let "rip". Unfortunately, as the fart emerges you're suddenly made aware of the need to "follow through". Oh dear.

--ROFL

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**[GA]Kryten**
redalert@barrysworld.co.uk
Q2BAttleUK Admin

 

[frankie]

omg, im pissed too, and i nearly doed. bloody good show old boy

oh well back to the killing
byez
VODKA IS SHIT SHIT
the times when u want it caus its strong, but u dont want it caus its shit
simple really.

------------------
-------------------------
members.xoom.com/alfa1000

=DI=DR_FRANKENSTIEN

 

[FingerMagnet]

Oh Damn s@xon thats like the most grotesque thing I have ever seen!

 

[FingerMagnet]

This was sent to me, shit knows why they decided to pass it on to me. Why do i always get this damn shit!?!
************************************

WHY SHIT HAPPENS

Taoism: Shit happens.
Catholicism: Shit happens to you because you are BAD.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Atheism: No shit.
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens."
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Existentialism: What is shit?
Existentialism: The burden of shit.
Atheism: I don't believe in shit, therefore, it can't happen to me.
Americanism: Who gives a shit?
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again.
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Atheism: you're full of shit
Computerism: why won't this shit work?
Analism : I want to see where shit comes from
Deism : something, somewhere, created all this shit
Reaganism : I don't remember shit
Bushism : read my shit
Egocentrism : I made all this shit
Pessimism : there will be more shit
Optimism : this shit, too, will pass
Scientology: Do you believe this shit?!?
BBSism: I CTRL-C the shit.
Communism: Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit
Capitalism: The more you work, the more you don't have to take shit
Realism: Life is shit
Idealism: I can handle this shit
Positive thinkingism: Shit is what you make it
Predictionism: The shit is going to hit the fan
Patriotism: My shit, right or wrong
materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins
Descartes-ism: I think, therefore I shit

 

[old.Billy]

Damn you finger magnet. Your stuff is verry rude. Do you know my mate Jack Schitt? As for KRYTEN and his message telling me to f*ck off, well all I can say is go piss on a brick you cretenous munter. Sorry frdigymagnet for using my reply to get this t*rd out of my system

 

[old.[GA]Kryten]

d00d, plz read my apology in the SB Duaghterboard post

 

[old.FingerMagnet]

Well done [GA]Kryten! Not for the apology, but for the original comment!

Yeah i know Jack Schitt, Billy. I'll post it up as soon as i can find it! As for the pool, you know i'm the greatest pool player ever. Just admit it

 

[old.[GA] Shovel]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>WHEN SHIT HAPPENS<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

soem of them were coverted to smeg by Craig Charles in "The log", so I'll convert one one of his:

Islam: When Shit happens, take a hostage

------------------
[GA] Shovel wardben@hotmail.com
Grey Area
Q2BATTLEUK

 

[old.Billy]

Biggest load of shit ever :
Sh... I mean Fingermagnet beating anyone at pool, especially drunken individuals remember?

 

[old.s@xon]

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage revealed:

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee Deep in Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, who was a high-school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because she wanted her kids to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Give Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently they married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Hawse. Bull Schitt, the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride Pisa.
So now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them!


[PYRO]s@xon

(when he can get his fecking PC up and running again anyway

)

 

[old.[GA]Kryten]

The OH FFS shit
You intend to piss, and only piss. After trekking upstairs to let loose your bladderful, and returning to the sfa downstairs, the urge to shit suddenly takes over - an embarresment of having to tell the family/friends/wife/dog that you need the loo - again


------------------
**[GA]Kryten**
redalert@barrysworld.co.uk
Q2BAttleUK Co Webmaster
q2battleuk@barrysworld.com

 

[old.[GA]Kryten]

The Snake Shit
Its there, coming and you know it. It resembles a shit of the lincoln log variety except is usually several metres longer.
You sit there thinking the same as in the Porridge Shit, except this one coils up in the u-bend and bowl like a snake. A fucking big snake. Fun for using as one of those fake coil shits you buy from joke stores. Try removing that shit from the bowl and placing it on the parent's car bonnet, leaving it intact to its original form. Then watch intently as the parents and passer bys wonder what in the name of shit shat that shit (oops tongue twister)


------------------
**[GA]Kryten**
redalert@barrysworld.co.uk
Q2BAttleUK Co Webmaster
q2battleuk@barrysworld.com

 

[old.[GA]Kryten]

The Embarrasing Piss
The piss that sprays every which way but loose - in a public loo on one of those poxy urinal pisspots - in full view of half a million other gents who are probably running for cover.

------------------
**[GA]Kryten**
redalert@barrysworld.co.uk
Q2BAttleUK Co Webmaster
q2battleuk@barrysworld.com

 

[old.FingerMagnet]

Make personnal note; Stand well away from [GA]Kryten!

 

[old.FingerMagnet]

The Really Embarrassing Piss

This piss happens when you are desperately gagging to take a leak. So you go into a public loo, but the little guy fails to co-operate. Others users go about their own transactions, while you’re left their holding yourself looking like a complete tit. Everyone else who used the urinals thinks you have problems.

 

[old.[GA]Kryten]

Sorry m8

Getting bored and i cant let a topic post like this lie down and die

------------------
**[GA]Kryten**
redalert@barrysworld.co.uk
Q2BAttleUK Co Webmaster
q2battleuk@barrysworld.com

 

[old.FingerMagnet]

[GA]Kryten you've got nothing to to be sorry about! I think everything that you've posted up has been hilarious

 

[old.[fs]Carbuncle]

The SHOULD'VE shit!

The shit you're holding in cos your busy with summat that isn't gonna stay in any longer!!!

 

[old.Trinity]

You all forgot the original claasics.....

The GROGAN SHITE
A dump that is in the toilet water while is is still leaving your backside.

The GROGAN PARATROOPERS
A series of the former...

Thats my tuppence worth.

V funny thread FingerMagnet

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HMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm
interesting......