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sayward

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Hi. Don't read this if you don't want to be depressed. I'm writing on here because it is easier than talking to anyone.

As many of you know I have a very iffy relationship with my mother. She has been very selfish and thoughtless and never treated me or my children as she should. However I always hoped that when anything happened to her it would be quick and painless.

Last week she rang and spoke to my husband to say how ill she was after a holiday. I rang back the next morning and got her partner of many years who said she had fallen in the night and hit her head. She's in her 80s and on various medicines. He hadn't had a doctor or an ambulance and he said she was asleep. Alarm bells should've been ringing..... He finally got her to A n E late afternoon, so 8hrs after the fall. I got a message to say she was ok and they were keeping her in for obs. However she had got a bleed on the brain...he was keeping me informed and kept saying when she's home etc etc, he's in his mid 70s. Witless fool had no idea that Warfarin makes you bleed worse. The ward gave her Vit K to stop its effects and she was on a drip. He said she's had an MRI and all was well.

He didn't call Friday or Saturday a.m so I rang the ward to be told that the bleeding on the brain was worse and that I'd better get there! She's at least a 5hr drive away and we have to stay in a hotel. So we drove up in that thick fog to visit. OMG she is out of it. There's a huge bump on her forehead and her eyes are totally black like from a major skull fracture. She's unresponsive. no recognition nothing. we had a meeting with doctors and nurses who said basically no hope and nothing could be done and that they'd keep her on a drip and give her sedation for her seizures.

We stayed with her all day, trying to talk to her etc Turns out he's only been visiting her for an hour a day and hasn't even met with a doctor. Yet the one we saw; he plays golf with! why isn't he visiting all the time?

We went back the next day and they have taken her off the, drip and the oxygen. She is just laying there with spasmodic movements. while we were there she had a major seizure. Dear God I am dangling by a thread. they kept saying there is nothing there, they are just waiting for her to die. I feel guilty but I couldn't stay, this is a woman who was just like me only older and went in to hospital full of life. And is now dying.

She could take weeks to die. I couldn't stay. I can't get out of my brain that she knew we were there and she knows what is happening. I'd vowed that I would never shed a tear over her but this is worse than ghastly no one should have this.
 

Shagrat

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My thoughts are with you Sayward, not an easy thing to go through :(
 

sayward

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Thankyou. I just don't know whether I'm doing the right thing but who know's what's right?
 

Jupitus

Old and short, no wonder I'm grumpy!
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Bless you sweetheart, what an awful thing to happen and situation to be in. I think the very fact that you need to outpour some of this emotion shows that although you have had a difficult relationship your heart is most definitely in the right place as a human being. It's impossible for any outsider to tell you what you should do, but in my view I would suggest that you are handling it all as best as could be expected from anyone.

Have a *hug* xxx
 

Tom

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If it's worth anything, I didn't have any kind of relationship with my father in the 6-7 years before he died. I simply decided that I was better off without him, a decision that I maintain was correct.

That said, it was hard not to cry at his funeral. And I still think of him often, although not usually as he might have hoped.
 

Lakih

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@Jupitus took the words right out of my brain @sayward, so I just add on to his hug.
My mom's on Warfarim too, and a bit of a cluts. I'm halfway across the world from her and if anything happens it would take me at the very least two days to get to her, i'm terrified something like this would happen to me.

All my best wishes to you @sayward :fluffle:
 

Edmond

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I'm not good at putting my thoughts into words in situations like this. I have been through it with my own mother, but we were very close. It was a 3 hour round trip journey everyday for 4 weeks to see her, just waiting for it to end made every day last a week. Its her quality of life you have to think about, and as @Jupitus said it shows you have a soul, even though there is some animosity between you both, you took the time to say these things and have these thoughts about her. Here's hoping the situation resolves itself sooner rather than later.
 

Nate

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Sorry to hear this Sayward :( sending hugs your way. Find someone to talk to, you may find it helpful.
 

Gwadien

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Sending much love to your direction @sayward :)

By the way

I fully expect a like on this reply in 3 months time! ;)
 

TdC

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Sorry to hear. Hope there's clarity soon.
 

Moriath

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You can only do what your capable of. You cant beat yourself up for things that are impossibleor unforseable.

I was in no condition to visit my dad the last two weeks he was in the hospice.

Ofcourse you feel for her she was your mum even if she wasnt ideal.

Everyone deals with his stuff on their own terms dont left anyone make you feel bad or tell you what to do.

We are hear for you to vent to :)
 

Yoni

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So sorry to hear your news @sayward. Please ensure you try to rest and I know it sounds odd but be a little selfish with yourself *hugs*
 

sayward

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Hi everyone and thanx. I'm wishing I hadn't said anything as today has had some very odd developments. Hub rang for news to b told there are signs of awareness and that they are taking her off the End of Life thing. We r amazed until turns out the partner had insisted they put her back on a drip late Tuesday. But no one had bothered to tell us!! So we've been expecting her to die at any moment because of no fluids whereas she could go on for months. I don't know what to think. I'm furious he didn't tell us, would have saved us some anguish. She may still die and if she survives what quality of life. I can't see how she can ever be ok.
 

Moriath

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Hi everyone and thanx. I'm wishing I hadn't said anything as today has had some very odd developments. Hub rang for news to b told there are signs of awareness and that they are taking her off the End of Life thing. We r amazed until turns out the partner had insisted they put her back on a drip late Tuesday. But no one had bothered to tell us!! So we've been expecting her to die at any moment because of no fluids whereas she could go on for months. I don't know what to think. I'm furious he didn't tell us, would have saved us some anguish. She may still die and if she survives what quality of life. I can't see how she can ever be ok.
Sometimes the best action is to let nature take it course. You should talk to the hospital and establish who can give accent to implement interventions. So that everyone is aware. If he isnt married to her i assume you would take precidence.
 

sayward

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She must've told the hospital he was next of kin. You can nominate your next of kin. So don't think I get a say.
 

russell

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He sounds like a bit of a tool, unless he is just in total denial. You poor thing, what an awful situation. No matter how vile she has been to you, she is still your mum and that's so hard. Lots of love and hugs to you, be kind to yourself. :fluffle:
 

sayward

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To update: after a slight improvement Mum is now much worse. She is now on a neuro ward with much longer seizures and water on the brain. But he still wants them to try and feed her... He's writing a 'diary' the man is mad, He was even taking photos!.I cannot believe he wanted to prolong this. I cannot see that this is better than withholding fluid or did he not see he was just prolonging the agony for her?

As we couldn't do anything and were supposed to be in France for 2 concerts this week we went. Mistake. I caught a gastric bug and have spent 3 days throwing up in a dodgy French hotel. So we have come home and missed both.
 

Scouse

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Jeebus. :(

To be fair to the guy, his world has just fallen apart so I presume he's gone a bit nuts - the ability to think straight must just go straight out of the window for some people in situations like this.
 

Moriath

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Sorry your days in france didnt work out. Nothing worse than being sick and not being at home.

I hope she doesnt suffer too much and that she is unaware of whats happening.
 

sayward

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I have bitten the bullet and spoken to the hospital. I am down as Next of Kin! He's just down as a person to be called in emergency. They don't seem to know why she was 1.taken off the drip 2. put back on it! I'll bet she was off it because no one thought to write up a new one. But they should have told us, they knew we'd said goodbye. They don't get in touch unless she deteriorates.... so I've asked them to make a note that i do not want anything proactive done. she must have so much brain damage and they are not prepared to operate. he just wants to continue her life at all costs. Be different if she was young. i am assured they just do what is best for the patient.... I think that is all I can do.
 

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