T.L.S.I.T.W.O.T.W. (B.S.) volume 2!

[DAN200]

...he decided to go into either the Dixons or PCWorld stores that were suspicially places either side of it, in the end he opted for...

 

[Sir Frizz]

...a quick tour around the stores and eventually decided to go for a mini adventure in the little area of woodland around the stores, while wondering, he found...

 

[Testin da Cable]

...several empty beercans, a used condom and a bloke sleeping face-down in a large soggy puddle of...

 

[DAN200]

...something which is best not described at this hour of the day. He then ran off too...

 

[Summo]

... spud gun and camped next to the sleeping man, knowing that he'd be an easy target when he respawned...

 

[Wij]

...and so he hid behind a nearby wall but was puzzled that he couldn't see through it.

"RAEL LIEF SU><0RZ !!!!!!!!!", he shouted in l33t-speak, somehow. Then he decided he'd best get a new pootah after all. He was no match for a wanking old tramp.

In Dixon's the assistant was a pleasant young man who still lived with his mum and discussed the issues of the day from Hello! magazine with the girls and liked to test new paint shades and house-plants in his spare time.

bigcockkillah[CL] walked up and said, "I WANT YUR BESTIEST N00 P00tAH j00 BIG Gh3Y !!!!!!!!!111121"

...

 

[Testin da Cable]

...and the Assistant {who happened to be related to the Apprentice] smoothly went into 'sales mode'. "Good afternoon sir, can I help you" quoth he, ignoring the obliqe comment on his sexual preferences. Looking at the youth in front of the counter, the Assistant thought...

 

[Summo]

... 'If his nose was a little smaller, he was a slightly broader perhaps, he had fewer spots, cut and washed his hair... he might be quite tasty' but continued regardless.

"Certainly, sir. We have the very latest Advent Intel Pentium 4 2GHZ featuring 128Mb RDRAM, 40Gb hard drive, DVD-ROM, CD-ReWriter, 32Mb Geforce 2 graphics, Stereo sound and speakers, 56K modem, Windows Me and Works 6.0 and games pack at a Dixons price of £1,100.00.*"

"Tasty, hey?" he added, with a knowing smile...




* Taken off of the Dixons website. What an over-priced crock of shit. 32MB GeForce 2MX, ffs? 128MB, Jee-suus! Windows Me? Works? Fuck off!

 

[old.SLiC3R]

.... and with that, he decided to buy the machine. He also gave the seller an extra £100, on the basis that they'd have to suck on his dick cheese. "Hmmm this tastes sooooo niiiceee!!....

 

[Summo]

... said the salesman, while Bigcockkillah[CL] filled out his Dixon's Customer Satisfaction questionnaire. Despite having paid three times the amount he should have done for that computer, the extra service was appreciated, and he marked up accordingly.

Peering through the shop window was...

 

[Testin da Cable]

...the -now recuperated- passed-out bum who had been sleeping off a major pubcrawl. He was none other than...

 

[Summo]

... Kez, who had just been biding his time until he was ready to say something. To everybody's surprise, the first word he uttered in this thread was...

 

[Sir Frizz]

..."Fuck, all these threads suck, they suck now and they sucked months ago", so everyone decide to...

 

[Testin da Cable]

..beat Kez up with large sticks. After that they went off down the pub where they saw...

 

[old.Jas]

... Lisa Riley ...

 

[Summo]

... being harpooned by Japanese whalers (old joke ). Everyone stood around laughing and pointing until...

 

[Wij]

...Kez found he wasn't the centre of attention any moe and sulked. Anyway, bickcockkillah[CL] took his pootah home and set it up. The first thing he did once he got on the net was...

 

[Summo]

... to check out The Hun (obviously) after making sure his chest-of-drawers was firmly wedged against his bedroom door. To his surprise, there on the screen in front of him (under the 'big breasted mature poser' section) was...

 

[DAN200]

...the words "Click Here to enter the free site!!!!!!!", closely followed by "Please enter your credit card details!!!!!!!"....

 

[Stazbumpa]

"....inside leg measurement, shoe size and the name of your first born male child".
"Getting a bit steep to log on to a decent pr0n site these days" thought bickcockkillah[CL]. After entering his deatils, the webmaster of the site, who was watching him through a very large telescope in Sweden, quickly...

 

[DAN200]

...spammed his Hotmail Inbox, ICQ account, MSN Messenger account, Yahoo messenger account, IRCaccount, AOL Messenger account, mobile phone and house with endless streams of porn advertising, before hacking his PC so the desktop wallpaper was a giant advert feauturing a man having sex with a goat, feeling satisfied with his work he then...

 

[Wij]

...had a wank over that fecaljapan pic.

bigcockkillah[CL] was in a panic. His bedroom and pootah were all covered in pr0n now and his mum was insisting that she had to open the door to bring him a cup of tea. So...

 

[DAN200]

...he threw his PC out of the window in the hope that it would land safely, he could follow it and they could escape together.

It broke.

"DAMM!" shouted Bigcockkillah, "I realy should stop doing that...", he then...

 

[Wij]

...wiped his spume off onto an old sock and pulled his pants up. He let is mum in the room and just as she was handing him his cup of tea he noticed a jazz mag covered in spludge just next to where his mum was stood. Also a printout of goat-pr0n was about to fall on her as the blu-tac on the ceiling relenquished it's grip. There was only one thing to do...

 

[DAN200]

...confess, stupidly.

2 Weeks Later
BigCockKillah[CL] (or Matthew, as he is actually known) has been locked in his room grounded for the last 2 weeks with all the p0rn confiscated and no PC, he is going insane, much to the delight of his Mother, he has been passing the time by...

 

[Summo]

... muttering to himself and drawing scenes of war on his walls with his own blood. For five days he sat huddled in the corner of his darkened room.

"We're all free," he explained to no-one in particular, "we're all free. Like birds. We hurt. We choose to hurt and we hurt who we choose. We travel up river and what do we find? The heart of darkness? No. Never get off the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. The jungle is getting dense now. Dense and tired. I hear the jungle scream. It needs me. The jungle needs me. I ache for it. I will help it. I'm coming for you, Kurtz."

Eventually, his mother opened the door. In the shadows, BigCockKillah[CL] slowly raised his head...

 

[Testin da Cable]

..."not meatloaf for dinner again" he winged as his mother smiled sweetly at him. "Come downstairs and watch telly dear," said his mum, "and while you're there I'll give this room a good clean. Gosh what a mess you've made!" Twitching slightly, bigcockkillah[CL] rose to his feet...

 

[Wij]

and put on a pair of socks to go downstairs in.

*SQUELCH*

"Fuck !", muttered bickcockkillah[CL] remembering why he'd left that sock on the floor in the first place. Oh well, he couldn't take it off now or his mother would see his jizzy feet.

*squelch* *squelch*
*squelch* *squelch*
*squelch* *squelch*

he trudged downstairs and found...

 

[Sir Frizz]

...his stash of pr0n accidently left there by his mother, he needed to be quick so he...

 

[Testin da Cable]

...stuffed it all down the front of his pants. Wincing, he waddled into the livingroom only to see his dad chatting amiciably with the school councillor, who looked in his direction and said...