SPAM random annoying things

[gohan]

Nah 10-15 is normal. I aimed for 7 for mine because loads of kids with short attention spans etc. Also don't worry about words, just bullet point it and say what you wanna say, flows more naturally and sincerely

 

[DaGaffer]

No-one wants a 15 minute best man's speech. No-one.

 

[Raven]

Nobody actually wants to be there so yeah, short and sweet, get it over and done with.

 

[fettoken]

Poor girl, at a wedding and the bride's best friend makes the probably worst/best speech ever, about the first time the bride received anal sex.
She went on and on! In her defense, they did serve a lot of alcohol. Well, the bride started to cry.

 

[old.user4556]

Nah 10-15 is normal. I aimed for 7 for mine because loads of kids with short attention spans etc. Also don't worry about words, just bullet point it and say what you wanna say, flows more naturally and sincerely

Nope, 5-7 max. Quality over quantity.

 

[DaGaffer]

Poor girl, at a wedding and the bride's best friend makes the probably worst/best speech ever, about the first time the bride received anal sex.
She went on and on! In her defense, they did serve a lot of alcohol. Well, the bride started to cry.

I've seen a best man's speech like that; going on about the groom's drug taking and shitting himself in a pool hall (the bride's parents went nuts), but that actually sounds worse.

 

[Ormorof]

Yikes, did one a few years ago kept it to a few minutes, took piss out of groom, praised bride, made light jokes

No one wants to hear about the time he nailed a 150kg girl while drunk or the time he passed out and shit himself

 

[DaGaffer]

Yikes, did one a few years ago kept it to a few minutes, took piss out of groom, praised bride, made light jokes

No one wants to hear about the time he nailed a 150kg girl while drunk or the time he passed out and shit himself

It was literally like watching a horrific road crash in slow motion. We were sat at the back waving at him to stop as he ploughed on relentlessly.

 

[Bodhi]

The new generation of Free Cash machines that are turning up in the UK. OK they give you access to your cash for free (Monsieur, with this free access to our cash you are really spoiling us), but they are appallingly designed.

Initial Options:

Cash with Balance
Cash with Receipt
Cash Only.

Pick Cash Only to be immediately asked - Do you want your account balance?

NO YOU FUCKING FLIDS THAT'S WHY I PICKED CASH ONLY YOU RAMPANT COCKGOBBLERS!

Press No.

Do you want a receipt?

GAAAAARGH!!!!

 

[Raven]

Cash is dead to me, even the crappy food van at work takes chip and pin. The only time I use cash is when I pick up.

 

[Bodhi]

Thankfully I use the stuff less and less, need it for the most important part of golf however - the 19th Hole. And, as you say, picking stuff up.

 

[Gwadien]

The fact that the Haiti death toll news in 9th in the BBC popular.

Also, the fact that more than 400 people have died in a hurricane right next to the worlds richest country.

 

[caLLous]

They're better off than Haiti but calling the Dominican Republic the world's richest country is a bit of a stretch.

 

[fettoken]

Cash is dead to me, even the crappy food van at work takes chip and pin. The only time I use cash is when I pick up.

I were going to say "Pick up girls?" but you obviously mean prostitutes, so yeah.

The new generation of Free Cash machines that are turning up in the UK. OK they give you access to your cash for free (Monsieur, with this free access to our cash you are really spoiling us), but they are appallingly designed.

Initial Options:

Cash with Balance
Cash with Receipt
Cash Only.

Pick Cash Only to be immediately asked - Do you want your account balance?

NO YOU FUCKING FLIDS THAT'S WHY I PICKED CASH ONLY YOU RAMPANT COCKGOBBLERS!

Press No.

Do you want a receipt?

GAAAAARGH!!!!

Surprised they don't have the option to take out cash on credit, of course as the top option.

 

[Raven]

I were going to say "Pick up girls?" but you obviously mean prostitutes, so yeah.



Surprised they don't have the option to take out cash on credit, of course as the top option.

They are still on chip and pin round here!

 

[fettoken]

They are still on chip and pin round here!

I'm envisioning a gloryhole with a display and card-reader next to it, where you choose your treatment, pay, then stick it in! Brilliant

 

[fettoken]

Can Swedish news stop bashing Russia and try to scare us?! "Russian fighters protecting nuclear missile-platforms on the move. They can now reach Sweden". Yeah, each of their nuclear missiles can reach Sweden you tits.

 

[Scouse]

Smashed the speech out of the park. So that's good.

The £250 bar bill not so much

 

[Edmond]

Just had root canal at the dentist. I kept feeling it so she kept stopping and giving me another injection. At the end she said i'd had 5 'cartridges' of anaesthetic, most people have 1 maybe 1 and half. I cant feel the whole side of my head, even above my ear and i keep biting my tongue, i cant feel any pain, but i'm aware of it inbetween my teeth when i bite down

 

[Moriath]

If you were tallented you could give yourself a bj and pretent its someone else with all that numb

 

[Edmond]

If you were tallented you could give yourself a bj and pretent its someone else with all that numb

Tried, cant open my mouth wide enough.......

 

[Raven]

Technology and idiots

We had a fancy boardroom fit out which includes a touch screen, screen sharing equipment, Apple TV (no idea why, its garbage) etc

Every single time someone has a meeting they go into meltdown because they can't figure out how to use any of it. I have written and distributed simple guides, I have given one on one training. Its as simple as using a skybox ffs

I am thinking we should rip it all out and give them a whiteboard and a selection of felt tip pens, would be easier.

 

[DaGaffer]

Technology and idiots

We had a fancy boardroom fit out which includes a touch screen, screen sharing equipment, Apple TV (no idea why, its garbage) etc

Every single time someone has a meeting they go into meltdown because they can't figure out how to use any of it. I have written and distributed simple guides, I have given one on one training. Its as simple as using a skybox ffs

I am thinking we should rip it all out and give them a whiteboard and a selection of felt tip pens, would be easier.

We've gone Google for all of that stuff. Its fine in theory; actual execution leaves a lot to be desired.

 

[fettoken]

Facebook asks me if i know a bunch of gay thai-boys all of the sudden - they're onto me!

 

[TdC]

it's ok fet. we've known about your thai-gheiboy fetish for years

 

[Zarjazz]

Facebook asks me if i know a bunch of gay thai-boys all of the sudden - they're onto me!

They probably just tracked your posts on FH.

 

[CorNokZ]

Gagging on the other hand would

Technology and idiots

We had a fancy boardroom fit out which includes a touch screen, screen sharing equipment, Apple TV (no idea why, its garbage) etc

Every single time someone has a meeting they go into meltdown because they can't figure out how to use any of it. I have written and distributed simple guides, I have given one on one training. Its as simple as using a skybox ffs

I am thinking we should rip it all out and give them a whiteboard and a selection of felt tip pens, would be easier.

I started in a new job in another department last Monday. To get a hold of the entire process I was put in production for the first few days. One gal had to introduce me to a bit of software she used on a daily basis. In the department I was in previously I too had been working with this software, so I was quite familiar with it. I was sat down at the pc and she started out by saying what her daily task was and I started to build the template, and she quickly interrupted me saying "that's too fast and not following the list!". She then showed me a three page hand-written list of steps to follow. I tried to convince her that my method was faster, not only to build, but also to run. I got the eyes of a deer caught in the headlights and a reply that we had to do follow the list, because she only knew it that way. After setting it up and we started to run the query she said "this bit always takes a bit of time, this software is quite slow "

Glad my old boss came and dragged me back into my old department after just four days..

 

[Lamp]

Poltergeists.

So I was cleaning out the fluff from the tumble dryer fluff filter. A particularly bad tempered piece of fluff refused to leave the filter, and following failed attempts to dislodge the uncharitable fellow using a finger, I decided my only course of action was banging the filter on the kitchen counter.
In the process of my sustained violence against the filter, the kitchen clock was dislodged from the wall. I saw the battery roll along the floor. Averting my eyes back to the filter I saw with some considerable displeasure the obstinate piece of fluff still there. It regarded me with a malevolent aspect. Sighing, I tried locating the battery to no avail. I searched the entire floor and under every object. Not there.

Placing the filter back in the tumble dryer I discovered to my surprise the battery inside the drum of the dryer!

How did it get there if I saw it rolling on the floor?

 

[Jupitus]

Poltergeists.

So I was cleaning out the fluff from the tumble dryer fluff filter. A particularly bad tempered piece of fluff refused to leave the filter, and following failed attempts to dislodge the uncharitable fellow using a finger, I decided my only course of action was banging the filter on the kitchen counter.
In the process of my sustained violence against the filter, the kitchen clock was dislodged from the wall. I saw the battery roll along the floor. Averting my eyes back to the filter I saw with some considerable displeasure the obstinate piece of fluff still there. It regarded me with a malevolent aspect. Sighing, I tried locating the battery to no avail. I searched the entire floor and under every object. Not there.

Placing the filter back in the tumble dryer I discovered to my surprise the battery inside the drum of the dryer!

How did it get there if I saw it rolling on the floor?

Nah - poltergeists are pathetic compared to the timewarp spot in my flat... Other day I pulled a sheet out of the washing machine and the little cup that the soap liquid in fell out onto the floor..... and vanished!

 

[Raven]

Your soap pot is Sam Becket.