SPAM random annoying things

[Jupitus]

Doing the London>Brighton offroad - because a mate suggested it. Starts at stupidly-early o'clock on the Saturday morning in London and finishes 75 miles (I reckon 10 hours, maybe 12 with food stops - it's MTB, not road bike) later in Brighton.

Suddenly his missus is coming. So not only have my accomodation costs doubled as we will no longer be sharing but the logistics of getting there have suddenly turned to shit too - no wanging both bikes in the back of my car and parking up for a weekend - his missus is driving, her car (refuses to drive his which will fit 2 bikes and 3 people in).

To top it all she's not even doing the ride. She's just there to pretty much fuck things up. And he's already talking about "a few quiet pints" on Saturday night as opposed to going and getting hammered and having a boogie - as has been the plan all along.


Tempted to bin the whole thing off and say "just do it yourself m8" - but I've know the lad since my first year at Uni and we were really close. It's just that in the past couple of years he's become his dad. Like a midlife crisis bloke with an inability to make his own decisions without running everything past his (hard work) missus.

Most of our mates have stopped asking him to do things because he simply never commits. It's like he's got an inability to say yes and/or be an independent person - and he was never like that.

So. Do I pull the plug?

Yes.

 

[old.Tohtori]

So. Do I pull the plug?

You adapt and have fun with what the situation is. A skill that doesn't take much effort and makes for better times on all.

Especially since you knew that this situation might occur from;

Most of our mates have stopped asking him to do things because he simply never commits. It's like he's got an inability to say yes and/or be an independent person - and he was never like that.

In short; stop being a dick, stop worrying about logistics and go have fun with your mate and his missus(who like it or not is now part of you being a mate).

Fair?

All comes down to; do you value your convinience more then your friend. Simple question really.

 

[Scouse]

Fair?

Not really I don't think.

For this weekend: the logistics of getting from Nottingham to London with two bikes (and associated paraphenalia) and then from Brighton to Nottingham, with requisite sleeping arrangements are neither trivial or cheap.

I get on fine with his missus and would welcome her on a pissup, but it's going from pissup at the end of a great ride to quiet night on my own by the sound of it. What, then, am I bothering with it for?

Friendships work both ways but this one's turning one-sided. If it was a one-off happenstance then there wouldn't be a problem - but this is happening more and more regularly.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Alright. Let's think scousica...err...logical(i was going more with what i would do, apologies);

Your spending before missus was X. Now it's Y. Is the difference in spenditure too much? If yes, cancel and say you can't afford the extra cost.

Is the extra effort an issue? It's effort afterall, so not really tangible, but does it take too much effort compared to the friendship? Again, yes means cancel (insert excuse here).

If the above aren't making a decision, consider this;

Tell your friend "I was really hoping we could get a good pissup, does your missus mind it?", or along those lines, keynote; discuss it openly with your friend.

At the very end of options; do you think your friendship is worth at all the extra strain on you? Do you want to continue the friendship as is? Should you discuss it with your friend and vent it out?

After those i think you'll have your answer

Worst case; you lose a friend to the "relationship zone".
Best case; things get talked and fun times in the future/this trip.

 

[Scouse]

Worst case; you lose a friend to the "relationship zone".

Meh. It's not that. He's been seeing the girl fifteen years. It's just something happening in the last couple. Been trying to tease out why for a while - good talks with him etc. But no reason forthcoming.

Like I said - effort and costs involved are far from trivial. But that's not the point - there's only so many times you can get knocked back or fucked around before you go "ain't worth it".

 

[Billargh]

Thinking I'm making genuine progress with an IT course I'm doing. Do a mock exam and realise I haven't got a fucking clue.

 

[soze]

Friendships work both ways but this one's turning one-sided. If it was a one-off happenstance then there wouldn't be a problem - but this is happening more and more regularly.

Say that too him. Tell you were looking forward to a lads getaway and catching up. Tell him you have no interest in spending time alone in a hotel bar when his missus decides they need an early night. Say if he wants to do a couples thing to arrange it for a different day. If he is your mate he should understand and work with you. If he acts a dick the your mate is gone and you sack it off.

 

[CorNokZ]

Call up his missus and tell her yoi dont like shoes. She will realise you have nothing in common to talk about the entire weekend, and stay home

 

[DaGaffer]

Doing the London>Brighton offroad - because a mate suggested it. Starts at stupidly-early o'clock on the Saturday morning in London and finishes 75 miles (I reckon 10 hours, maybe 12 with food stops - it's MTB, not road bike) later in Brighton.

Suddenly his missus is coming. So not only have my accomodation costs doubled as we will no longer be sharing but the logistics of getting there have suddenly turned to shit too - no wanging both bikes in the back of my car and parking up for a weekend - his missus is driving, her car (refuses to drive his which will fit 2 bikes and 3 people in).

To top it all she's not even doing the ride. She's just there to pretty much fuck things up. And he's already talking about "a few quiet pints" on Saturday night as opposed to going and getting hammered and having a boogie - as has been the plan all along.


Tempted to bin the whole thing off and say "just do it yourself m8" - but I've know the lad since my first year at Uni and we were really close. It's just that in the past couple of years he's become his dad. Like a midlife crisis bloke with an inability to make his own decisions without running everything past his (hard work) missus.

Most of our mates have stopped asking him to do things because he simply never commits. It's like he's got an inability to say yes and/or be an independent person - and he was never like that.

So. Do I pull the plug?

Yes. Ignore Toht, he has no idea what he's talking about. You can't slag off his missus, so you have to let him come to his own conclusions about why he doesn't have any mates anymore and never goes anywhere. The lightbulb will either go on or it won't, so all you can do is disengage while he sorts it out for himself. I went through exactly the same thing with my best mate from Uni; he had a girlfriend for a while who was just fucking horrible, but you just have to back off and let him work it out for himself. When he came out the other side (and met someone who's absolutely lovely) he was like "why didn't any of you tell me?" but he knew himself, its the fastest way to lose a (male) friendship completely.

 

[TdC]

meh, having a similar issue with not one but two mates atm. one's effectively vanished: not seen him for longer than 15 mins at a stretch for over 12 months, and putting in requests for a night out or a meal result in a negative. the other one thinks his gf's massive control-freak attitide is both cute and handy: "aww look she apps me that she's gone and got dinner from the supermarket already, isn't that sweet!", which I translate in my head as "playtime with the boys is now over, and fuck no am I going in to town to eat at that cafe you guys like, so come straight home if you value your life". Anyway.....

 

[fettoken]

Similar issues as well with a childhood friend - have been dating a girl which he really "settled" with because it's comfortable. For some reason he doesn't want him going out with me alone. And when we do go out the three of us, it's always awkward silence, she has nothing interesting to talk about. When i try to sneak a few minutes with him to chat she literally runs up to us to get in on it. Fucking annoying.

He visited Stockholm with the GF and sister a few day ago, so we were shopping at a mall and decided we´ll go home to my place since he never been there before. We've been gone for 90 minutes and she needed to have a "talk" with him.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Yes. Ignore Toht, he has no idea what he's talking about.

Or maybe there are different ways to handle relationships. Not all have to be miserable c*nts like you

 

[DaGaffer]

Or maybe there are different ways to handle relationships. Not all have to be miserable c*nts like you

Nah, you just don't know what you're talking about. Should probably just have it as a sig and leave it at that really. Would save everyone lots of time.

 

[old.Tohtori]

And maybe you should just give your opinion on things and leave others to do the same. Especially when it comes to issues that don't have "one right way".

 

[DaGaffer]

And maybe you should just give your opinion on things and leave others to do the same. Especially when it comes to issues that don't have "one right way".

No, not really. You're now at 42,300-odd posts, more than statistically significant enough to say with 99% confidence that you're always wrong. Its not me, its just maths.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Well if we're going by maths, i've got 5-6 times more agrees then disagrees on my record. Kind of far from a 100% wrong ratio.

Out of 42k posts people have disagreed with me 88 times, which is also rather different from the always wrong mentality.

It's not me, it's just statistics.

 

[DaGaffer]

Well if we're going by maths, i've got 5-6 times more agrees then disagrees on my record. Kind of far from a 100% wrong ratio.

Out of 42k posts people have disagreed with me 88 times, which is also rather different from the always wrong mentality.

It's not me, it's just statistics.

You probably don't want to open that particular can of worms Mr. 1.3%-agreement-in-forty-two-thousand-posts...

 

[old.Tohtori]

That's a different topic altogether, so based on these few posts already i'm right on not being wrong always. Thank you, have a nice day and now for something completely different
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[DaGaffer]

That's a different topic altogether, so based on these few posts already i'm right on not being wrong always. Thank you, have a nice day and now for something completely different
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No, I was pretty much on the money that you're 99% wrong. 98.7% wrong. Call it a rounding error.

 

[Bigmac]

I haven't seen a mate in 4 months, every time I go out for a night out I always ring him to see if he fancy's it. It's more or less no can't working tomorrow or some other excuse. It gets to a point where you can't be arsed to ring him any more as you know what the answer is going to be.

Scouse is 100% correct, men like a lads night out without their gfs tagging along as you have to be on a different level of behaviour and there's less chance of a shit storm starting.

 

[old.user4556]

I posted a thread about this, you may want to join in.

 

[Shagrat]

I posted a thread about this, you may want to join in.

Would love but I can't, missus wants me to post in her thread later so haven't got time.

 

[old.user4556]

Touché

 

[Scouse]

I haven't seen a mate in 4 months, every time I go out for a night out I always ring him to see if he fancy's it. It's more or less no can't working tomorrow or some other excuse. It gets to a point where you can't be arsed to ring him any more as you know what the answer is going to be.

Yeah that's what's happening.

 

[Yoni]

From what I have experienced in living away from the UK is that in Europe people enjoy 'friends' nights out (ie without their partner), rather than just 'lads nights out'. I experienced the 'lads night out' at its most extreme level when I lived on the Isle of Man... Everywhere else I have lived I have never felt excluded from nights out because I have a vagina rather than a penis...

 

[Scouse]

From what I have experienced in living away from the UK is that in Europe people enjoy 'friends' nights out (ie without their partner), rather than just 'lads nights out'. I experienced the 'lads night out' at its most extreme level when I lived on the Isle of Man... Everywhere else I have lived I have never felt excluded from nights out because I have a vagina rather than a penis...

It's not that Yoni. I'm quite happy to have "friends" nights out. But now and again you want some quality time with a good friend you've known for a long time.

You ever go out with one of your female friends for a whole day just by yourselves? Same thing. Not a big "lads night out" deal - that's something that happens in your 20's - I'm 40.

It's also about the inability to get hold of said friend. His g/f might not want to come out - which is fine. But why do so many women effectively blackmail their other halves into staying in when they actually would prefer to come out? Surely it's more than jealousy? Surely they can see that if you live in each other's pockets that life gets dull pretty quickly?

 

[Yoni]

I understand that... I don't have close female friends for very good reasons. I do have lifelong male friends who I go out with travel across Europe to see.

I do not know where the blackmailing shite comes from. I do not do this, in fact I actively encourage Kris to go out as it means I can leave Sweden for the weekend and catch up with my greatest friends too

 

[old.Tohtori]

I might have an issue here, not really sure how to handle it or how to feel about it. So today was a regular day, just getting ready for a night out with friends. You know, drinks and foods. Nothing special had been going on until then besides some texts back and forth with people, seeing who's going where and who's staying home. Was a bit curious that one didn't answer as he's usually the first one to do so. Well 7pm comes around and since i decided it's time to head out and get thing going, check face, not uglier then usual, doobidaa. Just then and there, out of nowhere, i noticed that the new room mate i have(temporarily as the regular is sublenting it) had placed the toilet roll -under- not over.

I'm at a loss.

 

[Scouse]

If you've never experienced the loss of a close friend and relationship you've had for twenty years then fair enough - but why do you feel the need to belittle other people's experience?

I get the humour... very droll. Just pointless...

 

[old.Tohtori]

Errr, what?