Post your jokes: spread joy to the world

[Binky the Bomb]

There was a young girl called sally brown who swore no man to lay her down
So over the hill came piss pot pete with 20 pounds of hanging meat
He layed her down in the long long grass and shoved his balls right up her ass
Now sally brown let of a fart and blew his balls 20 miles apart
So over the hill went piss pot pete with 20 pounds of shredded wheat

 

[Binky the Bomb]

There once was a woman from China,
Who went for a trip on a liner,
She tripped on the deck, and twisted her neck,
And now she can see right behind her.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

a man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting."thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards. The mans curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence.Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. instantly ,someone jabs him in the eye.As he reels back in agony,the chanting continues "fourteen fourteen fourteen!"


[i beleive there is a flash animation of this in the forums]

 

[Binky the Bomb]

3 men were in a pub the 1st man said "i found a packet of fags in my daughters room the other day, i didnt know she smoked" the 2nd man says "i found a pair of extra pants in my drawer they wernt even mine they were my sons" 3rd man says "i found a condom in my daughters room, i never knew she had a dick!"

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Did you hear about the two seater aircraft that crashed into a grave yard in Dublin?

Police have recovered three hundred bodies.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

There is a naked woman in the shower, she hears a knock at the door
"Who is it?"
"Blind man" is the reply
"OK, come on in then"
"Nice boobs, where do you want your blinds"

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A blond walks into a shop a says to the shop keeper "can i buy that TV please?" The shop keeper says ''no i don't serve blonds." So she goes home and dies her hair brown. She goes back to the shop and says' 'can i buy that TV now." The shop keeper says ''No i don't serve blonds.'' She says ''how do you know im blond?'' The shop keeper says ''Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

What did the mathematiton do when he was constipated?

He worked it out with a pencil!

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

 

[mts]

You know you can edit your post and put a new joke in it instead of making a new post every time? I don't mind really, it's just that this beast of a thread is growing really fucking huge x<

 

[plomien]

******************NEWSFLASH************************

In the deep south of America an old english sheep dog has been found tied and gagged to a burning cross.......


police believe it was the Dulux clan.

/coat

 

[Binky the Bomb]

You know you can edit your post and put a new joke in it instead of making a new post every time? I don't mind really, it's just that this beast of a thread is growing really fucking huge x<

I know, will endevour to do so.
in the mean time, heres another joke (yes, i have nothing better to do atm)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a
young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The
second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of
nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the
two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Tescos anymore either."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Got sent thios one via e-mail. I have no clue why someone would concoct a joke like this, but hey, humour is humour.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do the various titans of the computing industry describe a lowly glass of milk?

Optimist
The glass is half full.

Pessimist
The glass is half empty

Futurist
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass

Pascal programmer
Well, what type of milk is it?

C Programmer
No thanks, I drink stright from the jug

Assembly programmer
No thanks; I drink stright from the cow

Basic Programmer
No thanks; I'm still breast feeding

MIS COBOL Programmer
I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR

Fuzzy logic guy
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk

Prolog Programmer
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how

Non-Procedural Language Programmer
I drank it when nobody was looking

UI Designer
What's that crap in my glass?

Pentium User
I drank (Glass * .49999999...) but don't hold me to that

Windows User
Where's my straw?

Mac User
Where's my pump?

UNIX User
Nahhh... too easy

Multimedia author or Shareware game author
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for

Security Consultant
Where'd the rest of the milk go?

CIA
What makes you think that's milk???

NSA
We know what it really is

Copy Protection Crazies
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Free Software Foundation
The milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Bill Gates
Not enough market share to be Microsoft MilkTM

 

[Binky the Bomb]

When i work in the computer store in ireland, i got a call like this once every few months off of someone. They thought the power pack was a battery that charged off of the mains when it was turned off. Although i NEVER did anything like this (my boss frowned on jokes like this, we were much more cruel to ppl on the phone ). Enjoy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect customer employee:

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

"Yes, well, I am having a trouble with WrodPerfect."

What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of the sudden the words went away."

Went away?

"They disappeared"

Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?

"Nothing."

Nothing?

"It's blank; it won't except anything when I type."

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

"How do I tell?"

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

"What's a sea-prompt?"

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't except anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

"What's a monitor?"

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

"I don't know"

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

"Yes, I think so"

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

".......Yes, it is"

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

"No."

Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

".........Okay, here it is."

Follow it for me, and tell me if it;s plugged securely into the back of your computer.

"I can't reach."

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

"NO."

Even if you maybe put your knee on something to lean way over?

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Dark?

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Well, turn on the office light then.

"I can't."

NO? Why not?

"Because there's a power outage"

A power ... A power outage? Aha, ok, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Good, Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

"Really? Is it that bad?"

Yes, I am afraid it is

"Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Micellanious bad jokes and insults. I note here that i would not recomend using these insults unless: a) Your a good runner b) your on good terms with the person your insulting; or c) Dumb (I admit i'm C, but only because i have charm to pull it off).

As for the jokes, theres no excuse to use em , there that bad.
------------------------------------------------------------
My computer just told me that I had completed an illegal operation, and I'm not even a doctor.
------------------------------------------------------------
What did the Leper say to the Prostitute ?

You can keep the tip .....
------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was this blonde who was walking through the forest when she came upon a big river. She looked up and down the bank , but couldnt see a way across. Suddenly she noticed another blonde across the river and yelled out "How do I get to the other side?"

The first blonde replied "You are on the other side!"
------------------------------------------------------------
There is a blonde, brunette, and a red head. They all have to swim breast-stroke across the English Channel. They all start at the same time, the brunette comes first and makes a new world record! Then the red head comes an hour later, she does an ok time. Then the blonde finishes some 6 hours later.

A man asks "If you are so slow, then why did you enter the race?"

The blonde replys "Well I didn't want to say anything, but they were all using thier hands!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Jenny was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 150,000 miles on the clock.

One day, she told her problem to Jerry. He said, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Jenny, "if only I can sell the car."

"Okay," said Jerry. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 25,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem selling it."

The following weekend, Jenny made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, Jerry asked Jenny, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Jenny, "Why would I want to sell it? It only has 25,000 miles on the clock."
------------------------------------------------------------
(Insults for beginers)

1) You're so ugly you'd scare a Police Horse!
2) You're so stupid it must have been the lifeguards day off when you were in the gene pool!
3) Psychology students can square root an orange, they just couldnt peel it!
4) Were you born with a sorry note from Durex or something??
5) If I gave a shit you'd be the first person that I'd give it to.
6) Yo Mammas so fat that when she goes swimming in the ocean all of the Whales start singing " We are family ! "
7) Yo momas so dumb when she was on her way to an airport, and saw a sign sayin "airport left", she turned round and went home.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Someone with an accordian fixation sent me this as well, enjoy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Accordion Jokes
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet (actually, it's the maximum lethality range for a shotgun as well. food for thought.)
Accordionist: 60 miles

 

[Binky the Bomb]

If you havent already gotten this one on your works e-mail or any AOL disk, have a read.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New AOL Messages

Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And this little ditty (its a poem) is anyones quess. Yeah, like there was a time BEFORE computers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Are You a Redneck Jedi?
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. (cool skill to have i think)

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Hate Lawyers? Read on then.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer Funeral

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lawyer's Donation

Somebody from a local charity is going over some files and realizes he hasn't gotten any donations from the towns most succesful lawyer.

So the man calls the lawyer and says "Our records show that you haven't made any donations to us". Then the lawyer says "well, did your records show that my mom is sick with bills three times her annual income, or that my sister's husband died in an accident which leaved her penniless with three children, or that my brother is blind and has no money to pay for an aid or a nurse".

"Ummmmm sorry" replied the man, "I had no idea". Then the lawyer says "So if I don't give any money to them why would I give any money to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Daddy Is A Lawyer

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Dirty Lawyer Sayings

The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!" And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dishonest Lawyer

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:

manslaughter!

Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Still A Virgin (Very old joke, but still funny)


A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.

On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new room, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was an IBM Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be, but never delivered.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was collect stamps."

- God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to really get screwed this time!"

 

[Ickleevul]

In ref. to 1st post
WWII, American warship passing near a British Warship radio's a greeting:

"Hi, hows the 2nd largest Navy doing?"

in reply

"Fine thanks, hows the 2nd best doing?"

 

[Semaka]

A nice joke i've heard some days ago

A women asking James Bond:
- Please can you tell me what time is it?

James Bond:
- Is five....five past ten...

 

[dwarfdeep]

Are You a Redneck Jedi?
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...


You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts."

Damn....busted

 

[Binky the Bomb]

This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when ten Hells Angels walked in.

They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea.

The lorry driver just stood up and walked out. The Hells Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said

"He wasn't much of a man was he?"

"No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a lorry driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar, gets a beer and sits down.

Then, the M1 walks in. He says, "I've had a really bad day and you do not wanna mess with me!"

The black tarmac tells him to calm down and asks if he wants to join him for a drink.

The M1 and the black tarmac sit down together.

Then, the Dual Carriageway walks in. He says, "I have had a really, really bad day and you do not wanna mess with me".

The black tarmac and the M1 tell him to calm down and the Dual Carriageway joins them for a drink.

Just then, a piece of red tarmac walks in and the black tarmac starts shaking and whimpering. The bartender asks if anything's wrong and the black tarmac replies,

"You don't wanna mess with him... he's a cycle path!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone,

"honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunitic is driving the wrong way down the motorway",

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man walks into a bar that is on top of a very tall building, he orders one large drink. Downs it in one, goes over to a window and jumps out.

10 minuets later the same man walks back in. Orders one large drink, downs it in one, goes over to the window and jumps out.

Another ten minuets later he walks in again. Orders one large drink, but before he drinks it a man who has been watching all of this stops him and asks "excuse me, but how are you doing this? How can you be fine after jumping out that window?"

The man replys "well, when you down this drink in one, it gives you a warm sensation inside and everyone knows that hot air rises. So when you jump out the window all the warm air rushes to the top of your body and gently floats you too the ground."

"I've gotta try this!" the other man says. So he orders one large drink, downs it in one, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the pavement below.

The barman looks over at the bloke who's still sitting at the bar and says "You're a tosser when drunk Superman."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was taking a shower in a five star hotel and noticed there was no soap. So he ran out to the storage room naked and got two bars.

But as he turned around to go back to his room three old blind ladies stopped him dead in his tracks.

The first old lady said "Oh look girls a soap dispenser, my room is out of soap." So she reached out, pulled his penis and he droped one bar. She took the bar back to their room and put it in the shower.

The second lady did the same, tucks his penis and he dropped the other bar. So she took it back to their room.

A few minutes later the third old lady returns to the old ladies bedroom. The first old lady asked her "Did you not get any soap then?"

To which the third old lady replies: "I didn't need to get soap. Look at the improvement in my complexion.... the machine gave me moisturising face lotion..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A buisness man is getting onto a plane for a very long flight. He is shown to his seat which happens to be next to a blonde woman. He turns to her and says "Why don't we play a game to make the time go quicker. I'll ask you a question and if you get it wrong you give me £5 and vice-versa."

The blonde declines and turns to go to sleep. So the man says "Ok then, how about for every question you get wrong you pay me £5, and for every one I get wrong I pay you £50?"

Sensing this man won't quit she agrees. So the man asks the first question "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"

The blonde thinks but has no idea, so she hands the man £5. Then she asks her question "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"

The man thinks but is unable to come up with an answer, so he gets out his lap top and searches the internet but with no luck. So he gets his mobile and rings all his friends but none of them can help. After about two hours of this he turns to the blonde, who by this time has fallen asleep, he wakes her and says "Ok, I give up, I dont have the answer."

And with that he hands her £50. She thanks him and turn to go back to sleep. "Well?" the man asks "What does go up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"

Without blinking the woman reaches into her purse and hands the man £5.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man runs into a pub and said to the lanlord, "Fifteen gins please. Just had my first blow job." So the landlord pours 15 Gins and asks "Why fifteen gins? To steady the nerves?"

The man replies "No, but if fifteen gins dosen't get rid of the taste nothing will."

 

[Karam_Gruul]

Funny jokes help.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Why didn't the dinosaure cross the road?
He hadn't evelved into the chicken yet.

Why did the chicken not cross the road?
Too busy being laid.

Why did the egg not cross the road?
Same reason as the chicken.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
More chickens on the other side.

Why did the chicken eventually cross the road?
It missed the absent cock.

(I think that is how it goes, i was told that one over the weekend by some pissed bloke. Slightly amusing.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intermediate insults.
1. You know, Wham did break up. (say to any bloke with an earing).
2. There are plenty of fish in the sea, so back you go (say to an ugly woman/man who is chatting you up)
3. Did something crawl down your throat and die, or is it still alive (for bad breath)
4. Man, i've not see anything as ugly as you without paying an admission fee.
5. Go home and scream at your father, if you've got one (good against foul mouthed women)
6. I cant tell if your male or female, so ill call you IT until i'm sure.
7. You look like you need to practice what "go fuck yourself means",
8. Hey, you, OFF MY PANET!!!!
9. There is a time and a place for everything. This is not medieval england and this is not a torture chamber. Stop talking to me.
10. Just when I though it was safe to back into the water. Oh, there's no water around here, my mistake.
11. Just so you know, you have no chance what-so-ever, i'm to sober to go with you, and that aint gonna change any time soon.
12. Last time i saw anything like you, we had to pour salt on it to kill it.
13. Why are you talking at me, i apologise if i feigned interest in you in any way, shape or form. It's a bad habit of mine, just like my inability to tell annoying people like you to fuck-off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

BTW, in case i havent said this before, if u feel this thread should be stopped, by all means say so. i wont blame you, these are V bad jokes and insults. I'm only shocked that i havent been booted yet for some of these. Even more shocked that it's had over 1,300 visit's so far, i have to ask WHY? If you all wish for me to keep going, just say so, if u want me to stop, ditto (Or ask a moderator to quietly take me to a corner and beat me sencless).

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Did you hear about the pissed dung beetle who fell off his stool?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I see," said the blind man as he pissed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If I had one green ball in one hand, and another green ball in another hand, what would I have?

A. The undivided attention of the jolly green giant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.....

Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you are into nechrophilia,beastiality and sado masochism are you flogging a dead horse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many policeman does it take to move a piano?

A. None. It fell down stairs on its own, guv, honest.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
If quitters never win,and winners never quit, what fool came up with."Quit while you're ahead?"....

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?....

Whose idea was it to have an "s" in the word "lisp"?...

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A skeleton walks into a bar, walks right up to the bartender and says:

"Give me a beer, and a mop"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call two Spanish fireman?

A. Jose and Hose 'B'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, Irishman and Welshman walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two television aerials got married. The wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Dad,what's a transvestite?
A. I don't know, but ask your Mother he'll know!

Q. What happens if you play a country&western song backwards?
A.The singer gets his wife, house, and his job back!

 

[Binky the Bomb]

CHINES PROVERBS (SENT TO PPL VIA E-MAIL)

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth

 

[Lamp]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Still funny

 

[old.Tohtori]

Alien 5: Necroruction!

Gees, that's one hefty dustcloud you brought up. I should spank you lamp, but A: You'd like it and 2..no wait... B*: I think these kinds of threads are ok to bumpsy.

*Yes, joke stolen poorly from you know where, so sue me! Or angelina me, whoever you want.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Did we ever get a reason why I didn't get banned for this?