Post your jokes: spread joy to the world

[Binky the Bomb]

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

They both say, 'insert Bill here'

(i know it old, but still funny, considering the election news).

 

[Dillinja]

Wow. A walking cash machine, that must be cool.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A plane was about to crash and there were only three parachutes between the four passengers.

The first man said "I'm Kobe Bryant, Americas most important basketballer, I MUST survive" he then grabbed a parachute and jumped from the plane.

The second man said "I'm Tony Blair, Britains most intelligent ever Prime Minister, I too MUST survive" he grabbed the next parachute & jumped from the plane also.

The third man was the Pope and he turned to the fourth passenger, a ten year old boy, and said "I am old son, my time is nearly up and I believe you have more to offer the world than I do so I shall give you the the third parachute, save yourself."

The ten year old boy replied "Thank you for your offer old man but there's still two left - Britains most intelligent Prime Minister just took my school backpack!"

 

[Dillinja]

But you can't laugh...you are a machine. :-o

Hey, that was supposed to be between you and me!... and maybe Ala, if she must know.

 

[Ala]

I know all

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Two sheep were standing in a field all day and one sheep says to the other,

"God! My feet are killing me!"

the other sheep says "Stop talking or you'll get us all killed!!"

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A man goes into a toy shop to buy his little girl a barbie doll. He ask's the sales assistant how much barbie dolls are.

The sales assistant says, "Barbie goes to the Ball - £14.99, barbie goes to the Beach - £14.99, barbie goes to a Sleep over - £14.99 and Barbie gets Divorced - £214.99."

The man says to the sales assistant, "Why is Barbie gets Divorced more than the rest?"

The sales assistant then says, "Because she comes with Kens house, Kens car, Kens boat and half his money"

 

[Dillinja]

Are you getting these from jokecenter.com or something? Because they are pretty damn bad.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

nah, got a jokebook "1000 of the worse jokes ever. 2003 edition."
Spread joy to the world, as the tread is called. post bad jokes for others to use.

like this one (good for e-mails too)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Once there were three boys Zip, Willy, and Pee and they were all annoying the teacher.

Zip was on the top of the cupboard. Willy was inside the cupboard, and Pee was calling the teacher names and hitting her so she got so stressed she shouted ''Zip down! Willy out! Pee in the corner!''

 

[Sissyfoo]

Barbie never got married and she dumped Ken for some f'kin beach bum named Blaine. Check it out on bbc.news.co.uk or whatever the site is.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

 

[Dillinja]

I heard that Barbie is really a man.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

John finds a lamp, rubs it and out comes a genie.

The genie says he will grant John three wishes with one condition: everything he wishes for, his wife will get double. So John says thats fine.

First John wishes for a million pounds, so his wife got 2 million. Then John wished for a ferari and his wife gets 2.

Pausing for a moment, John says "Why dont you scare me half to death?"

 

[Dillinja]

Why wish for a million when you can wish for a billion?? Stupid joke.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Something for the kids.
----------------------------------------------------------
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.

"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room.

"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father.

"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

 

[Binky the Bomb]

There was a boy who could see who was going to die next in his family. So one night he was praying and said "God bless mummy, God bless daddy, good bye grandma." The next day his grandma was run over by a bus.

The next day he was praying and said "God bless mummy, good bye daddy."

Now his dad was really worried and went to work very carefully. When he came home his wife said to him, "You know the strangest thing happened today, the milkman dropped dead."

 

[Dillinja]

Make it stop! Please, just make it stop!

 

[Binky the Bomb]

goto top of page, press off-topic
:>

 

[Binky the Bomb]

jack and jill went up the hill

to have some hanky panky

stupid jill forgot her pill

and now theres little franky

 

[Dillinja]

The last 2 weren't that bad actually... ... the two before the jack and jill one.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Down in Alabama where the miners shovel coal,
One miner shovelled it up another miners hole,
They rushed him off to hospital where he breathed his last,
He died of constipation,
With a shovel up his ass.
---------------------------------------------------

Just as a reminder, if you want me to stop with the jokes and rymes, just post "STOP, please, they burn, the BURN!!!!!"

or something appropriate to get your message across.

 

[Sissyfoo]

Wow...how come this guy hasn't had his knees blown off for spamming?

If we pulled this stunt we'd be deader than Princess Diana.

<still trying to get banned for some reason>

 

[Dillinja]

FOAD. Yes, that's right - FOAD. [cheerleader] F.O.A.D - Getting banned is so easy! [/cheerleader] Or something.

Gimme an F,
Gimme an O,
Gimme an A,
Gimme a D!

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Beleive me when i say no-one is more suprised than i. maybe the moderator's find it amusing. Maybe cos no-one has complained (oooops, now i dun it). Mind you, i got some messages from ppl saying they find it funny. :eek2: im quite flattered/scarred/bewildered why i've not been taken asside and beeten repeatedly.

oh well. There goes my account

 

[Dillinja]

I'm showing signs of sleep deprivation again.

NN all.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

FOAD. Yes, that's right - FOAD. [cheerleader] F.O.A.D - Getting banned is so easy! [/cheerleader] Or something.

Gimme an F,
Gimme an O,
Gimme an A,
Gimme a D!

charming

 

[swords]

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

I come from Donny...The races is teh Dogs ;p

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Much like the muic section at the royal albert hall, they have a grand organ for operas there, unrivaled in the world. So much so that the curator called it his "Mighty organ"

[I know, really bad joke, but considering all the others here, are we suprised]