Post your jokes: spread joy to the world

[collegien]

this one made me chuckle


Surrogate Father

The Nelson's were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Nelson kisses his wife and says, "I'm off, the donor should be here shortly."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rings the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Nelson chimes in.

"Really?" the photographer replies. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asks, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Nelson.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Nelson said quietly.

The photographer opens his briefcase and pulls out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Nelson exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Nelson.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.? People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Nelson, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Nelson leans forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... wake up, are you all right Good Lord, she's fainted!"



/your turn

The Softie Scout

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Three guys died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Lada to
drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your BMW."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Porsche!"

A little while later, the two guys with the BMW and the
Lada saw the guy with the Porsche crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Porsche what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

 

[Binky the Bomb]

There were three men on a camping holiday, all in a tent in a farmers field. In the morning the three men told eachother what they had dreamt the night before.

The one on the left said "I dreamt that someone was pulling my knob all night!"

The one on the right said "I also dreamt someone was pulling my knob all night."

The one in the middle said "I dreamt i was skiing."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A woman asked her husband if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.

He said "Try rubbing toilet paper between your breasts once a day. It worked for your arse."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Q. What will a blonde put behind her head to make herself more attractive?

A. Her ankles.

Q. What does a blond and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?

A. They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

There once was a woman who really needed sex. Then she went to a sex shop and asked the shopkeeper for the best dildo ever.

The shop keeper went into the back and got out the magic dildo.He explained the you can tell it to do what ever you want it to do, whenever you say "Fuck me!"

The woman then took it home and tried it out. She got home and said "Fuck me!"

Then the dildo jumped out of the box and started to fuck her! But on the box it did not state how to stop it so the dildo carried on fucking her!

Then the woman need to ring the police for help. When the cop got to the house, he smashed open the door and saw a dildo fucking the woman on its own.

He then shouted: "Fuck Me!"

 

[Gibberish]

> > A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
>
> to their passengers...
> >
> > "Ladies and Gentlemen
> > I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
> > know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
> > married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
> > Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
> >
> > "Your delay
> > this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
> > E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you
> > know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
> >
> > "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
> > news is that
> > last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
> bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
> and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
> >
> > "Ladies and gentlemen
> > we apologise for the delay, but there is a
> > security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
> > the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
> > time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on the
> wall".....
> >
> >
> >
> > "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street
> is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
> > could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
> > that".
> >
> > "Beggars
> > are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
> > professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
> registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
> >
> > During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
> >
> > announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna,
> > ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
> >
> > "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
> > stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I
> > care - I'm going home...."
> >
> > "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
> > hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
> >
> > "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
> doors
> > are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
> > into the doors."
> >
> > "We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in
> > the door"
> >
> > "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
>
> carriage
> > - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
> > understand?"
> >
> > "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
> > belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to
> the man in the brown suit wearing glasses
> > at the rear of the train - put
> > the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
> > door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"
> >
> > "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
> > on
> > any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
> > it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

 

[Gibberish]

A Scottish lorry driver stopped at the red traffic lights, and a blonde pulled up behind him, jumped out of her car, ran up to his vehicle, and tapped on the door. As the driver wound the window, and she said, "Hello, my name is Heather. You may not be aware of this, but you are losing some of your load." The driver ignored her comments and proceeded to drive along the street. When he stopped for the next red light, the woman enacted the same procedure, getting out of her car, and attracting his attention. Again, he lowered the window, and, as if they had never spoken to each other before, the blonde brightly said, "Hello, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" He shook his head, continued to ignore her and drove away along the street. At the third red light, the same thing happened again. Now out of breath, the blonde got out of her car, ran to the lorry, knocked on door, and made her usual announcement, "Hello, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turned green, the driver revved up his engine and raced to the next set of lights. When he stopped this time, he hurriedly got out of the truck, and ran back to the blonde. He knocked on her window, and as she lowered it, he said, "Hello, my name is Jimmy, it's winter in Scotland and I'm driving a gritting lorry!"

 

[Gibberish]

A seven-year-old sister and her four-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom and the girl says to her brother, "I think we should start swearing". The brother nods his head and says "OK". "Right then" says the girl, "I will swear first then you say something with a swear-word after me".

So both children go down stairs and walk in to the kitchen. The girl says "Hi mum, shit, I think I will have coco-pops for breakfast". All of a sudden there's an almighty crack and the little girl goes flying across the room, hair everywhere and runs up stairs crying her eyes out. With that the mother turns round to her son and asks him what he wants for breakfast.

The son replies " I dont know but I'm not having f***king coco pops, thats for sure"

 

[Retrakith]

"Binky the Bomb"

Nice sense of humour :worthy:

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Dopey and the other six dwarves went on a trip to the Vatican to meet the Pope. When the Pope arrives to greet them, Dopey sidles upto him and says "Excuse me, your holyness. Do you know if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The pope ponders this and then replys "You know what Dopey, I don't believe there are."

Dopey looks at him and shuffles from foot to foot uncomfortably. "Well, do you know if there are any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope again thinks for a while, but still says "No Dopey, I dont think there are."

Dopey starts to look uneasy so he asks in desperation "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole of the world?"

The pope looks him in the eye and replys "No Dopey there isn't! Why are you so consurned with this issue?"

Shamefaced Dopey points to the other dwaves that are huddled in the corner, laughing and chanting "Dopey shagged a penguin!"

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Thomas goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys. He throws a
monkey a peanut, the monkey picks it up, sticks it in his rear,
pulls it out and eats it.

Thomas goes, "YUK!"

He throws the monkey another peanut. The monkey picks it up,
sticks it in his rear, pulls it out and eats it.

Again, Thomas goes, "YUK!"

He goes to the zookeeper and he says, "Man, that is one very
stupid monkey."

The zookeeper says, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last
week, somebody threw him a big peach, he ate it, and he
couldn't pass the pip. So now he measures everything first."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked,
"Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The man said,
"No dear." The women said, "I'm sure you would." So the man
said, "Okay, I would" Then the women asked, "Would you let her
sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Yes, I guess so." Then
the women asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the
man replied, "No, she's left handed."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, "Sir, how old do you think I am?"

The manreplies ''You're 30, right?''

She says "No, I'm 47, but nice try."

The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, "How old do you
think I am?"

The man replies, "You're 37, right?"

The lady says "No, I'm 47, but good guess." After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies "I was standing right behind you at McDonald's."

 

[Binky the Bomb]

A drunk arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. 'No,' replied the Drunk. 'I've lost all me luggage!'

'How'd that happen?'

'The cork fell out!' said the drunk

 

[Ala]

(ok, gonna try and give sum light to the world :/)

Two sausages lying in a frying pan, sizzling away.
One sausage turns to the other and says, "Damn!! It's bloody hot in here!!"
The other sausage looks at him and exclaims, "Fuck me!!! A talking sausage!!"

 

[Ala]

Two dwarfs out on the town one night decide to go and visit a brothel. They hook up with 2 prossies and go their seperate ways, giving each other a big grin and a thumbs up.

The first dwarf is having trouble getting it up. Then he hears his mate in the next room, "One, two, three, oooomph", "One, two, three, oooomph", "One, two, three, oooomph". He frowns to himself and goes home alone.

The next morning over breakfast the first dwarf says to his mate, "Well, sounded like you had a great time last night mate. I didn't manage to get it up."
The second dwarf replies, "Couldn't get it up!? I couldn't even get onto the bed!!"

 

[Ala]

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?

Opens the car door.

 

[Ala]

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Ten, One to make the cookie mix the other nine to peel the Smarties.

 

[Dillinja]

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and one to find out who really changed it.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

just when you though my jokes were terrible...........

 

[Binky the Bomb]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Englishman. 'They must be English!'

'Nonsense,' says the Frenchman. 'They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!'

'You are both wrong,' says the World Bank economist. 'They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise.

Clearly, they are South Africans!'

<<<NO OFFENCE INTENDED, REMEMBER, IT'S ONLY HUMOUR>>>

 

[Binky the Bomb]

What's the difference between a politician and a dog that have both been hit by a car?

Skid marks leading up to the dog.
--------------------------------------------------
There's no difference between politicians and bull sperm - only one in a thousand works!
--------------------------------------------------

During a surgeon's conference in Harare, Zimbabwe, three of the surgeons go out for a drink one evening. The first is American, the second English and the third Zimbabwean.

They start boasting about their surgical abilities. The American says, "Two years ago a man fell into a giant meat mixer, and all that was left of him was his leg. We took him into our lab, created another artificial leg, arms, a body, head, everything. Six months later he went back to work and he was so efficient, he put three peopple out of work!"

"That's nothing", says the English surgeon. "A while back a worker fell into a nuclear reactor. All that was left was his right hand. So we built on an arm, a body, legs, a head,everything. When he wentback to work 6 months later, he was so efficient he put 10 people out of work."

Finally, the Zimbabwean Surgeon looks at his colleagues. " You guys are just amateurs. 20 years ago I was walking down the street and I smelled a fart. I caught it in a jar and took it back to the lab. There, we built an arsehole around it, a torso, and finally a complete body. We called him Robert Mugabe, and he's put the whole bloody country out of work!"

 

[Dillinja]

Ok, time to bring out the big guns. Here's a sure-fire crowd rocker.






What do you call a Chinese retarded baby?





Sum-Ting-Wong.




I'm fresh out of jokes now. If you didn't like this one there's no helping you!

 

[Sissyfoo]

What's the difference between a politician and a dog that have both been hit by a car?

Skid marks leading up to the dog.

<<<OFFENCE INTENDED>>>

Ha ha! That made me fucking laugh!

 

[Binky the Bomb]

Me make a sly dig........
Perish the thought.


---------------------------------------

Mary had a little Lamb,
she also called it Ralf,
But now it's burning in a field,
Because of foot and mouth!

 

[Dillinja]

These jokes are pathetic! They wouldn't make me laugh if they were being told by some... really funny guy in the... funniest suit you've ever seen!!

 

[Sissyfoo]

But you can't laugh...you are a machine. :-o

 

[Binky the Bomb]

These jokes are pathetic! They wouldn't make me laugh if they were being told by some... really funny guy in the... funniest suit you've ever seen!!

Would it help if he had a humerous cigar?