Post your jokes: spread joy to the world

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A woman wanted a new wardrobe, so she went to a DIY store and bought a wardrobe for her bedroom. She took it home and built it. The trouble was that she lived near a train track and whenever a train came past the wardrobe collapsed. She went back to the store and complained, so a repair man came from the store to see what the problem was. He came in and was there just in time to see the train pass and the wardrobe collapse. He decided to rebuild the cupboard and sit inside it to see if he could stop it from collapsing. So he built it again and got inside, and just then the woman's husband got home. He came into the bedroom where he saw the cupboard. He opened it up and the man was sitting inside. "What are you doing here?" he said angrily. The repair man replied "You're not gonna believe me but I'm waiting for a train."
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
1) In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

3) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

4) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

5) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

8) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I gather this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

10) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ...Not as great as Guam!)
 

SFXman

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
312
Err, I would not move to Guam.
If a place is so backwards that they pay people to take away women's virginities then I highly doubt they shave. :puke:
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
COMMENTS MADE ON TV

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best."
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A guy and a croc walk into a bar and the guy says "I'll have a pint, and one of your regulars for the croc."

The barman says "You cant do that!"

So the guy said "If you dont give him a regular then he goes psycho and will trash the bar."

The barman says "Ok take that old tramp in the corner."

So the croc does and they go.

Until the next day when they come back and ask for the same again. 1 pint and a regular for the croc. But the barman says "Sorry I have no regulars left! They all went after they heard about what happened the other night."

The guy said "Well you know what will happen now...."

That second a dwarf walked into the pub. The guy says "He'll do! If croc here eats him he wont trash the bar and we'll never come back."

The barman said fair doos.

So the croc ate the dwarf but then trashed the bar as well. The barman said "Why the hell did he do that!?"

And the guy replied "Sorry mate, he's a maniac when he's been on the shorts."
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
This baby polar bear was sat with his mum on an ice berg.

"Mum," he asked, "am I a real polar bear?"

"Yes darling, of course you are." his mother answered.

"Yeah but, am I a proper polar bear, you know, a real one?"

"Yes dear," his mum replied, "You're dad is a polar bear, I'm a polar bear and your sister's a polar bear."

"I know that mum," he said, "but am I a proper polar bear?"

"Of course you are" said his mum, "now shut up and eat your penguin."

A minute later the baby polar bear asks "Mum, I know what you've said, but am I really a proper polar bear?"

"Look," she says, "you are a proper bloody polar bear alright. What's wrong with you? Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Well," he replies, "I'm fucking freezing."
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.

So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then, he noticed close by some bones on the ground and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund, he said -- "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

(I apologise for these horrendous jokes, ill get some new ones tommorow, i promise)
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.

They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."

They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon , goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."

Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A man goes to a gun shop and asks for a gun and a scope. The owner hands it over and tells the man to test it by looking at the house on the hill, which is the owners house. "You should be able to see my wife" said the owner. The man replies "All I see is a man and woman running around the house naked!" The owner takes the gun, looks through the scope and swears. He hands the man two bullets. "With these two bullets, I want you to blow off the mans dick and my wife's head. If you do that for me you can have the gun for free" The man looks through the scope, hands one of the bullets back to the owner, and says "I think I can get them both with just one shot..."
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
The Government has today announced new anti-paedophile measures. They are all to be lined up and hit on the head really hard with big mallets. However, critics of the proposals fear that this may simply drive them underground.
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
God was looking down on earth one day and decided that things
were not going to get better, in fact they were getting worse
every day. He said to himself thet it is time to start over
again with a new batch who might be able to do better than this
bunch of humans are doing.

So he called up three men, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and
Micale Gorbachev. They are the three best media for getting his
message across. He told the that he was disapointed with mankind
as it is and that he was going to destroy the earth in 30 days.
They had to go back to earth and tell everyone this message.

Bill Clinton called a press conference and said I have some
good news and some bad news. The good news is that our belief
in God is true, I met with him this morning. And the bad news is
that he will destroy the earth in 30 days.

Micale Gorbachev went back to his people and told them he
had some bad news and some realy bad news. First the bad news,
our denial of God is not true, there is a God and I met with him
this morning. The really bad news is that he is going to destroy
the earth and we only have 30 days to repent.

Bill Gates went back to his people and told them that he had
some good news and some great news. First the good news is that
our belief in God is founded, I had a talk with him this morning
and the really great news is that we will be able to stop
releasing security patches for WindowsXP in less than a month!
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
Follow this guide if you want to confuse, scare or just generally annoy anyone unlucky enough to be in the same computer room as you!


1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the Batman TV show theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while.

8. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

9. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

13. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

14. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

15. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

16. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

17. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

18. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

19. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

20. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

25. Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

26. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

27. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

28. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

29. Wait until the monitor on duty leaves the room. Start typing worriedly at your computer while frantically looking around the room. When the monitor on duty comes back in, go up to him, shout "Thank God you're here!", then run out.

30. Two words: Tesla Coil (electro -magnetic fun and games).
 

Alkoran

One of Freddy's beloved
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
130
In a facility used by non-comp-literate: Substitute all web browser shortcuts for shortcuts to dubious web sites (keeping the browser icon and name of course). People will scramble to close the window everytime they use the shortcut. When someone finally summons the courage to ask why it's doing it someone with a bit of knowledge will come over set the homepage to "blank" and then leave... it will of course happen again.
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"

She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."

The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
The Pope arrives in New York for a UN conference but he is running a bit late. As he comes out Of the airline termmal he hails a cab.

He says to the cabbie "I have to be at the UN building in 10 mins"

"10 minutes!! It takes at least 40 mins. I can`t do it"

"Well get out and let me drive" says the Pope

The cabbie was a bit taken back by this but it was the Pope so he jumped in the back while the Pope drove.

Anyway the Pope was flying along dodging in and out of traffic when he zoomed past a New York policeman.

The cop jumped on his motorbike and pursued the speeding vehicle. Finally when he caught up with it and pulled it over he asked the driver to wind down the window.

He then got on his radio for assistance.

"This is road patrol to base I need some help"

"What's up?" asked headquaters.

"Well I've pulled someone over for speeding and they are very big. what should I do?"

"How big are they - a local politician?" asked HQ

"No, bigger than that"

"The mayor of New York?"

"No, bigger than that"

"A movie star?"

"No, bigger than that"

"Not the President?"

"No, bigger than that"

"Bigger than that?!" asked HQ bewildered, "Who the hell is it?"

"I don't know" replied the cop,"but he's got the Pope driving him around"
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?"
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

(If you want me to shut up with the crap jokes just say so)
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
Joined
Jan 31, 2004
Messages
1,897
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
 

old.Tohtori

FH is my second home
Joined
Jan 23, 2004
Messages
45,210
Got a little one...

If a man sayes something when there's no women around, is he still wrong?
 

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