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Luv_Bunny
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- #31
Originally posted by ~shy~
NoGivf holiday
you poor thing
you poor thing
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old.shotgunstow
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- #32
hah, I thought it was a good one
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katt!
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- #33
something positive about not having a calender at home. you get surprised by these small holidays all the time
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old.shotgunstow
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- #34
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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old.shotgunstow
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This is a real LETTER TO THE EDITOR from a recent issue of the NEW SCIENTIST magazine:
"NEW SCIENTIST readers are concerned about their e-mail boxes being bombarded with spam, and the need for more and better filters. However, they seem to have overlooked the benefits to be gained from all these spam messages. For instance, I have been accepting all offers made to me by e-mail since the beginning of this year, and my penis is now 43 meters long."
"NEW SCIENTIST readers are concerned about their e-mail boxes being bombarded with spam, and the need for more and better filters. However, they seem to have overlooked the benefits to be gained from all these spam messages. For instance, I have been accepting all offers made to me by e-mail since the beginning of this year, and my penis is now 43 meters long."
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old.shotgunstow
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- #36
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
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old.shotgunstow
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- #37
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
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old.shotgunstow
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Heard this morning on National Public Radio station WSHU in Fairfield, CT:
The respiratory disease SARS has killed 30 people in Hong Kong and infected over 1,000. Consequently, the Hong Kong Tourism Board has dropped its new advertising slogan: "Hong Kong will take your breath away!" and replaced it with "There's no place like Hong Kong."
The respiratory disease SARS has killed 30 people in Hong Kong and infected over 1,000. Consequently, the Hong Kong Tourism Board has dropped its new advertising slogan: "Hong Kong will take your breath away!" and replaced it with "There's no place like Hong Kong."
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old.shotgunstow
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- #39
A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," comes the reply.
So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.
"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"
"Blind man," comes the reply.
So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.
"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"
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old.shotgunstow
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"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."
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Restart
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- #41
rofl
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kirennia
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- #42
hahaha, nice1 daws
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Luv_Bunny
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- #43
:lol: :lol:
more plz
:lol: more plz
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old.shotgunstow
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- #44
[18:33:01] <ST> Be careful of Bassets jelly babies! Last night I bought a bag and put my hand in, and one of the black fuckers stole my watch!
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Herbal Remedy
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- #45
so racialist imho me and gunz are gonna have to have words
:mgwhore: :wall: :swords: :scared:
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healer_mcheal
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- #46
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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healer_mcheal
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- #47
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Away From Home: Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and said it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
The next day, I talked to the children and said it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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healer_mcheal
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- #48
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
lol
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
lol
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old.Dillinja
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- #49
lol good one
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Luv_Bunny
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- #50
Originally posted by healer_mcheal
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Away From Home: Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and said it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
:lol: go Alex
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old.shotgunstow
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- #51
lol, build me that bridge to hawaii
Aligro made a good joke in his post about the sidi raid (it's been edited now). But just in case you didn't see it:
- No drops will be claimed on this raid.
- I will be claiming the Wrathbound Warsword.
etc etc.
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk
to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk
way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for
years and years now!"
-----------------------------
Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested
at the airport for drug smuggling?
It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty
pounds of crack....
-----------------------------
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
Buy her another beer.
What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.
enough
Aligro made a good joke in his post about the sidi raid (it's been edited now). But just in case you didn't see it:
- No drops will be claimed on this raid.
- I will be claiming the Wrathbound Warsword.
etc etc.
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk
to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk
way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for
years and years now!"
-----------------------------
Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested
at the airport for drug smuggling?
It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty
pounds of crack....
-----------------------------
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
Buy her another beer.
What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.
enough
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Luv_Bunny
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- #52
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Restart
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- #53
A man was walking along a beach and saw a prostitute with no arms or legs, the prostitute said to the man "Screw Me!", so the man picked the prostitute up walked down to the water with her and threw her into the sea and said "Your screwed now!"
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healer_mcheal
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- #54
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
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healer_mcheal
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- #55
O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question."
She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question."
She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
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healer_mcheal
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- #56
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
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healer_mcheal
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- #57
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied... "Everything but my earrings."
The secretary thought a moment, then replied... "Everything but my earrings."
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healer_mcheal
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- #58
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"
The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"
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healer_mcheal
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- #59
Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
ok, that will do for now
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
ok, that will do for now
C
ChillyDawg
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- #60
Also the same for Bras: Tits go in first....