The longest story in the whole of the world (Barrysworld stylee)

[Testin da Cable]

...a shimmering liquid. Instantly the Apprentice started to melt. There was no pain, but the sensation was horrible. The Apprentice fell to his knees as parts of him dripped off onto the hard earthen floor of the courtyard he was standing in. "Guuuufffthhh.." he burbled. Suddenly his mind shot out of the top of his head and floated above him. Looking down he could see the courtyard, a turnip, a man lying on the ground next to his brain, four designer radiators and a large multi-colored puddle. As he watched the puddle soaked into the ground. Then everything around him crystalized and shattered into a million fragments.

The Apprentice woke and sat up in the chair he had been sleeping in. He...

 

[old.[20FTS]Luap]

..had a damp tissue in his hand and his trousers down. He must of been...

 

[vuz]

.. having a fight with a hose which got stuck in his pocket following blowing his nose ..

 

[Stazbumpa]

...and scratching his arse...

 

[old.Luap2]

...passing the time while the blonde did the colonic irrigation. At the final flush she noticed the drain on the floor was blocked. Clogged up with...

 

[Testin da Cable]

...what looked like a rather large turnip. Now where that had come from she couldn't tell. Bending down to look...

 

[old.SUp3rFM]

... her skirt started to rise up, leaving her majestic butt uncovered. Across the room...

 

[Testin da Cable]

...the Apprentice sat. His eyes closed as he looked at firery letters burning in his mind. He did not understand the letters, nor did he know from where they came. He only knew they were powerfull enough to tear his eyes from the site before him.
Somehow his view of the blond's backside had triggered the words he could now see even with eyes open. Filled with new resolve, the Apprentice stood, pulling his levi's up in the process. Feeling a strange compulsion to write down the letters he strode to the blonds handbag and tipped it out onto a table placed handily close by. The contents of the bag spilled out over the table:...

 

[old.[GA] Shovel]

... lipstick, a mirror, a 4" ribbed knobbler and a packet of fags. Seems pretty normal he thought, until...

 

[Testin da Cable]

...he realized there was one vital component missing from the list. It was...

 

[old.Luap2]

...missing so he didn't know what it should have been.
Then he noticed something that was there but had no business being there. He stood back, jaw wide open, eyes wide. "OMG! WTF is that? FFS wtf is she going to do with that? IMHO thats so OTT. I think, tbh, that she must really be a...

 

[old.TUG]

COW! And all of a sudden she went mooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOOooOOOOo00000000000000()()()()ooOoOoOoOOOooo and did a big shit on the head of...

 

[Testin da Cable]

..the Apprentice's dog who had walked in to see what the comotion was. Seeing his doggy buried under a huge pile of cowsh*t caused the Apprentice to see red. Unfortunatly the cow saw it too, became immencely p*ssed off, and started to chase our boyround the house. Thinking desperately, the Apprentice...

 

[vuz]

.. had beef for dinner following ..

 

[old.HeL1FiRe]

...2 helpings of ambrosia cream rice. After he had eaten it he realised it was poisoned and unless he found the cure in 20 seconds he would die horribly......

 

[old.[Do]JiM]

But suddenly the devil came up through the ground and said if he swapped...

[Dtm]JiM
Have Fun

 

[Testin da Cable]

...the Blond's handbag, the cow leftovers and the Turnip That Could Talk (tm) he'd suck out the poison through a straw inserted into the Apprentices left testical. Grinning evilly [like only he could] Beelzibub knew he had the Apprentice up against the wall. No blue blooded Hero would let the Dark One mess wiv his nutsack he thought.
Sweating terribly the Apprentice said:"...

[Edited by testin_da_cable on 10-10-00 at 23:37]

 

[Stazbumpa]

......"you have got to be shitting me! There is no way you are coming near my bollocks with a farking straw". To which the fallen angel Lucifer replied.....

 

[Testin da Cable]

...ya only got 15 seconds left fool!

Laughing a horrible laugh the prince of lies watched the Apprentice squirm. Meanwhile thoughts were shooting through the Apprentice's mind. "Well..." he thought...

 

[old.HeL1FiRe]

......maybe letting the devil fiddle with his sacks isnt such a bad thing. Infact ive always wanted to experince the delights of sack fideling with another man. He agreed with the devil, got the poison sucked out and decided to make a carreer change to rent boy, or did he.........

 

[Testin da Cable]

...wake up in his chair again with a shocking hangover feeling terrible. Forced into an upright sitting position by the disgusting smell wafting from his open mouth into his nostrils the Apprentice looked around slowly.
The first thing he noticed was the sunlight shining obliquely into the room. "Dust in the air..." he thought.
His headache started to clear slowly but he didn't feel any better. Coming to a full-upright position caused a three-quarters empty bottle of smack to roll off his lap onto the floor. Looking at the coffee table next to the chair he saw a packet of fags near an overflowing ashtray. Coaxing out a cigarette he lit up causing somke to spiral in the sunlight. Squinting, the Apprentice rubbed a hand across his forehead. Just then there was a soft knock at the door. "Come" said the Apprentice...

 

[Stazbumpa]

....and the guy at the door promptly did coz he was suffering from premature ejaculation. After getting some Kleenex the man ventured into the room....

 

[old.HeL1FiRe]

...ah, mr Mental Vicar with blob bit i presume......

 

[old.Luap2]

...you must be friends with that fellow 'Testin-da-cable'. "Is it me or does he look like he's going for his first novel? Must have toooooo much time on his hands". "Talking off hands, what's that in your hand"?...

 

[old.Sokem]

..."What this, O nothing, just my anal beads, wanna try them"?...

 

[xenon2000]

Um, no thanks. Thats not really my scene, but I'd much prefer to try that thing in your other hand.....

 

[Testin da Cable]

..."yes, that handkerchief, ta m8". The Apprentice blew his nose messily. "You see, I've been home poorly all week wiv da flu. "Really?" said his visitor "well I'm sorry to hear that." Suddenly our hero paused. He couldn't tell the Mental Vicar about his adventures could he? A man of god would surely be shocked, 'specially if he was to tell him the bit when satan fiddled wiv his balls. The Mental Vicar looked dissaprovingly round the room. "Son" he said, "you really should...

 

[old.Davehart]

..bash the old bishop more frequently. It has been said that.............

 

[old.Sokem]

...it will give you bionic strength in your arm but you will end up blind. "I don't want to be blind" said the apprentice. "my friend was blind and he....

 

[old.Luap2]

...couldn't hear a thing either. He was a great bloke to be with at the firing range. Most entertaining. You know, he once loaded a shotgun with sage and onion turkey stuffing and shot the lot at...