The bad joke thread!

Hawkwind

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A guy walks in to the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife in bed reading a book.
"This is the pig I have to sleep with when you have a headache", says the husband.
The wife looks up and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep".
"Who said I was talking to you!", he retorts.
 

Killing

Fledgling Freddie
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A guy walks in to the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife in bed reading a book.
"This is the pig I have to sleep with when you have a headache", says the husband.
The wife looks up and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep".
"Who said I was talking to you!", he retorts.
lol :clap::worthy::worthy:
 

Hawkwind

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Warning sick jokes below:


What's 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
....Crib death.

Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

What do 54,000-abused woman every year have in common?
....They don't fucking listen.

What's the most intelligent thing to ever come out of a womans mouth,
....Einstein's cock.

How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
....Fuck her, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
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Jan 31, 2004
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What was Fred Wests motivation for killing all those people?
He was convinced there should be twenty two feet in the yard.
 

Thorwyn

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Dec 22, 2003
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What do you call a lesbian with a long middle finger?

well-hung
 

AngelHeal

Part of the furniture
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Apr 18, 2004
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How come some poor people live on small boats?

cause they want to reach the bread faster then the ducks:(
 

Adari

Part of the furniture
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Dec 23, 2003
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whats pink and fluffy?

pink fluff
 

Olgaline

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two chaps on there way home from a night out on the town,
One says to the other, hey! lets go over to my place and have a beer,
as the bloke went to fetch the beers his mate had a look around the house,
suddenly he came barging into the kitchen and yelled:

There's a strange man in your bed with your wife!
wich to the bloke replies:

Sssh! be quiet! I've only got two beers damnit!
 

Olgaline

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st.peter looked at god and said: Man, you look tired.
and god replied: Yeah your right, maybe I need a vacation.
st.peter: How about mars?
God: Nah it's too lonely
st.peter: How about venus then ?
God: nah mate, too much hassel, too many women!
st.peter: What about Earth then?
God:
Are you crazy ? Last I was there over 2000 years ago, and I had a son, and they're still talking about it!!
 

Hawkwind

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As the last lot went down quite well, you sick puppies, here's some more:


What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
..."Hey, go easy on the sweets"

5 skinheads corner a paki down an alley, they hand him a dice and say if you throw a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 we are going to kick the shit out of you. Seeing a possible escape the paki says what happens if i throw a 6? You get another go.

What's better than winning a medal at the Paraplegic-olympics?
....Having two legs.

RIP Jeremy.
I hear Jeremy Beadle has a small dick, but on the other hand, its quite big...

Jeremy beadle and his wife are playing cards, his wife looks over and says 'thats a shit hand you've got there Jeremy'.

As a reply to all the Liverpool fan bashing by Man Utd supporters over the Euro final in Russia:

Manchester United sign a talented young striker from Afghanistan, he is on the subs bench for his first game. At 80 minutes into the match the score is 0-0 and Rooney gets injured. Fergie has no choice but to play the Afghani, despite having very little match fitness. However he proves to be a blinding striker and scores 2 goals in order to win the game for United. After the shower the Afghani rings his Mum to tell her of his great news. 'Mum, listen I just scored 2 goals in 10 minutes, I'm a hero!'. The mum replies 'that's great son, but I have some bad news for you. Our house was robbed and then torched to the ground. Your father was shot in the face and your sisters raped. And as for me, I didnt even want to move to fucking Manchester!'

50,000 dead in Pakistan earthquake, an EU crisis meeting took place today. Germany are going to provide food relief, France medical aid. Britain will send replacements.

Why did the Jews spend 40 years in the desert?
One of them lost a quarter

People said Mel Gibson couldn't play a Scot.
And look at him now: alcoholic AND a racist!

Did you hear that they are doing special offers on bungee jumping in the UK now?? Immigrants jump for free - no strings attached!!!!

Whats the similarity between a woman and a washing machine??
They both leak when they are fucked!!!

A man comes home and sees his wife standing at the door with two empty suitcases? Knowing she is going to make him move out he decides to attempt to seduce her. He succeeds and they make the hottest sweatest love you can imagine. But she hasn't forgotten. "Dave I want you out of my house. The neighbors have told me things about you. You drink, you gamble, and I even heard you're a pedophile"
Stunned the man looks back with a smile and says "that's a pretty big word for a 12 year old"

why don't women need to drive?
cus there isnt a road between the oven and my cock


Asylum seeker at the side of the road eating grass. Man pulls up in his car and says "Hey! Don't eat that. Come home with me and I'll feed you."
The asylum seeker replies "I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too?"
Man says "Fuck off, I've only got a small lawn!"

A muslim in our street doused himself in petrol and set himself on fire and died. We're having a collection for his family. So far we have 80 litres.
 

Dark Orb Choir

Loyal Freddie
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MAN "Dr DR my wifes not well, she has a discharge and keeps forgetting things"

DR "i think she has either got AIDS or Alsheimers"

MAN says "how can i tell"

Dr "tell her to goto the shops and if she comes back don't fuck her"
 

old.Tohtori

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Two priests playing golf:

First priest hits almost a hole in one: "Praise the lord!", sayes the priest.
Second priest struggles a bit, but gets to the green aswell.

They start the putting and the first priest, true to the lord, hits the ball in the hole straight up. "Praise the lord!", he shouts again.

The second priest aims, hits and the ball rolls past the hole: "F*ck... missed!".

The first priest is shocked and says "You should not use such language! God will punish you."

Second priest shrugs it off and takes aim again. And another miss. "F*CK!! Missed..."

The first priest looks even more shocked and says "You should NOT use such language, god will hear you and punish you!"

"Yeah yeah...", says the second priest and tries again. Sure enough, the ball rolls past the hole without even gracing the edge. "F*CK! Missed! Goddamnit!!"

And as he says that, there is a rumbling in the heavens above and lightning strikes down with all the might and strikes down the first priest.

The second priest looks at his dead friend, looks back up and has a dumbfound look on his face.

A rumbling noise is heard from the clouds...

"F*ck...missed..."
 

Levin

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A hot dog walks into a fancy bar.

The bartender says: We don't serve hot dogs here.
 

liloe

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Newspaper: One-motor Cessna crashed into a graveyard. 184 corpses have been recovered, the search goes on.
 

Iceforge

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Newspaper: One-motor Cessna crashed into a graveyard. 184 corpses have been recovered, the search goes on.
-This journalist was stunned to find out that the solo pilot of the aircraft, Mr. John Smith, was uninjured and helping in the salvage efforts
 

Binky the Bomb

Fledgling Freddie
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
 

Dark Orb Choir

Loyal Freddie
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When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.

When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
 

Hawkwind

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Woman walks into a shop and buys 1 egg, 1 bottle of milk and 1 sausage, the shopkeeper asks - "you're single, arent you?" "yes" She replies "how could you tell?" "Cos your f*cking ugly!!!"

When an Austrian father was asked what he thought the best way to teach sex education to children was he said its best to keep them in the dark.
 

ECA

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Some dude dies and goes to heaven.

St. Peter welcomed the man through the Pearly Gates and the new Saint noticed some clocks on the wall.
When he asked St. Peter what they were he was told they were lie clocks. Every time a person lies his or her clock would move five minutes.
St. Peter said: “That clock never moved; it was Mother Theresa’s.
She never told a lie. The next one is Abe Lincoln’s.
He told only two lies in his entire life.”
The new guy said, “That’s nice. Where is Hillary Clinton's clock?” St. Peter said, “Jesus has it in his office. He is using it for a ceiling fan.”
 

swords

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Two electrons walking down the street, when one stops suddenly and looks rather surprised.
''What's wrong?'' said the first electron.
''I think i've lost an electron!'' said the second electron.
''Are you sure?'' replies the first electron.
''Yes... i'm positive''

If you're not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.

Three haemotologists have gone hot air balloning on their day off.
Unfortunately a fault with the baloon means it begins to lose altitude and eventually crashes in the middle of a field.
The haematologists, unsure of where they are, need to find out and get help.
They spot a cyclist coming down a path not too far from where the baloon crashed.
''I'll go ask him for help, be right back.'' says haematologist 1.
So he goes off and waves at the cyclist, who stops and waits.
''Hello! look, our balloon has crashed and we need to know where we are to send for help.''
The cyclist looks over at the balloon, ponders for a second and replies:
''You are in a field, goodbye!'' and cycles off.
The haematologist stares in amazement and after a moment, walks back to the baloon.
''So, where did he say we are?'' asks haematologist 2.
''he said we were in a field and took off!''
''Aah.'' Says haematologist 3 ''He must be a biochemist.''
''Why is that?'' asks biochemist 1.
''He was accurate, but fucking useless.''
 

Lucius

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Apr 1, 2008
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Two electrons walking down the street, when one stops suddenly and looks rather surprised.
''What's wrong?'' said the first electron.
''I think i've lost an electron!'' said the second electron.
''Are you sure?'' replies the first electron.
''Yes... i'm positive''
Dude...do you mean two atoms walking down the street?
 

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