Help Live By The Sword.....Die By The Sword

[Darthshearer]

Made my bed, so now sleep in it
Live by the sword.....
etc
Ive had them all going through my head today, so, wtf is Darth talking about?

Ive been going out with my partner for 3 years. Last year we bought out house and it needed some serious work on it. We grafted hard along with her old man with 14 months and 5 months ago got it finished and moved in.

Anyways, since day one we moved in, its not been great. I feel I am always getting told off for leaving lids off this, not putting XYZ back to here and there. Little petty shitty things. Added to that, I dont have sex any more and for 4 months of this building up I had literally had enough.

My partner is a great lass, really outgoing enjoys a pint and a laugh. Now this has brought attention of many a man. Attention I dont deal with very well. I bottle it up and it gets to me. This attention however, has never ever (I hope) made her stray. She is well in with the Hockey club girls (ooo errr) and likes to go out on the socials etc. Now, sometimes these socials I dont get told about until the last minute which does my head in. There is very little communication on that side of the relationship.

Anyways, so what am I getting at? Well, my mate was out with his work colleagues the other week and I met him for a few. He had a couple of female colleagues out with him, one I got on really well with. She got my number from my mate and started texting me. Anyway, I met her for a drink one night and thats all. I got a buzz like when I first started going out with my Gfriend. Soemthing my gfreind and I havent had in 7-8 months.

Anyways, Ive texted this girl a bit and thats all. I havent had anything else to do with her, Ive not kissed her or had sex with her. Anyways, one morning last week my gfriend looked at my phone and looked at these messages and she quite clearly went a little beserk. The worse of the messages was "Missing you, goodnight".

So, last night we had a chat and I went for a walk, whilst I was out I was trying to phone this girl to tell her I was happy with my gfriend and that was it. Whilst I was out my Gfriend came round the corner and again wasnt happy. She took my phone off me there and then.

Last night we didnt really talk too much, mainly because I had been drinking and didnt want to argue on a fuzzy head. Anyways, we went to bed, this morning she went off to hockey with my phone. So she didnt phone anyone up and cause a mess I phoned Orange up and got the SIM blocked, this was a bad move as she said that added more doubt.

Now, I havent seen her since 13:00 and I am shitting myself I love her and dont want to loose her at all, but I think its gone beyond that. I am worried about her mum and dad finding out too. Her parents are great and I feel so ashamed and I feel Ive let them down. Her dad have us quiet a bit of dosh to do the house up and I know thats going to come up soon.

I really dont know what to do. I am not looking for sympathy here at all, I know what Ive done is bad etc, I just want some advice.

Cheers all

Martin

 

[old.Tohtori]

Well first, you f*cked up.
Obviously cheating if not in the "sex" way.

That must be clear, you did.

Now, the lids, etc etc, less sex, it's practically as every couple goes through. It just happens. First flame dies etc, but something stronger replaces.

With the woman, you got the "chase" spark back.

Use that spark to get your girl back.

First off tell you've been a jealous moron, that's why you acted the way you did and it was just doubt 'cause you love her so much and paniced. Also say nothing happened, even if you know that you did wrong.

It'll take work, she won't trust you for a while, but you can get over it if A: you don't give up B: notice what you did wrong and improve and C: hang in htere and not give up to "leaving and trying someone else".

Or...

Dump her, get your phone back and get back to business.

Main thing; you know you've done bad, now make your girl realise that you KNOW you've done bad and regret it more then anything.

Oh and just to be pedantic; live by sword, die by sword means that you have something you believe in and are willing to die for it no matter what.

 

[old.user4556]

Sorry to hear all this Darth, I'm literally running out the door to a party, so I will post something decent tomorrow. I just hope the General forum holier than thou parade don't fire abuse at you. Can you post the ages of everyone involved?

 

[Darthshearer]

I know very well Ive cheated.

There is a lot of things I wasnt happy about, but I still shouldnt of done what I did, I should of spoke to her.

I dont know if I should phone her now or leave her to cool off. Im just shitting it incase she pulls tonight to get revenge

 

[Darthshearer]

Sorry to hear all this Darth, I'm literally running out the door to a party, so I will post something decent tomorrow. I just hope the General forum holier than thou parade don't fire abuse at you. Can you post the ages of everyone involved?

Cheers mate

Misses - 30
Moi - 28 (Although acted like a 12 year old)
Bird - 27

 

[old.Tohtori]

I know very well Ive cheated.

There is a lot of things I wasnt happy about, but I still shouldnt of done what I did, I should of spoke to her.

I dont know if I should phone her now or leave her to cool off. Im just shitting it incase she pulls tonight to get revenge

She won't, and calling her doesn't do any harm. Not calling her does, as it means you don't give two shits about what happens.

Don't mention the girl, ever, if she does, fine, but you don't and remember, she will bring this up many times. You just have to live with it.

If you love her, you'll do anything for her, and take anything that comes.

Call, talk, don't panic and if things go south, they will.

 

[Darthshearer]

Her phone is off

 

[old.Tohtori]

Her phone is off

Then talk when you can.

If you live together, she'll come home, best way is to wait until she does and be sorry, a low dog, doghouse, you know. If you can't wait that long, fall asleep to chair/sofa, uncomfortable etc.

At no point go to bed and be cumfy, that also gives the "yeah yeah" signal.

You get to talk to her for sure, then you just have be keep cool and acknowledge that you're wrong, in everything really, but DON'T give up your principles.

She doesn't want you to change.

the thing to understand here is that she kept you as a "safeplace", and you let an enemy in, made the place casual, non-secure, and you have to make her realise it's still safe and you, even if fallible, still will protect her 100%.

 

[00dave]

I know very well Ive cheated.

There is a lot of things I wasnt happy about, but I still shouldnt of done what I did, I should of spoke to her.

I dont know if I should phone her now or leave her to cool off. Im just shitting it incase she pulls tonight to get revenge

Don't beat yourself up about it, it's difficult to pluck up the courage to speak about something big like that no matter how close that person is. I find my pride acts like a dam, but once I get past it everything comes flooding out a lot easier.

With reguards to her getting revenge, I think that only happens on tv and in films. I think even for women it's difficult to pull if they're really upset, no matter how fit they are.

My advice is to get out there and find her. It would certainly show to her how you feel about losing her. And phone around asking for her, it'll be good for her to hear from all your friends how worried you were that you couldn't find her. Obviously don't tell them why you can't find her if you're not comfortable with them knowing.

 

[Darthshearer]

Don't beat yourself up about it, it's difficult to pluck up the courage to speak about something big like that no matter how close that person is. I find my pride acts like a dam, but once I get past it everything comes flooding out a lot easier.

With reguards to her getting revenge, I think that only happens on tv and in films. I think even for women it's difficult to pull if they're really upset, no matter how fit they are.

My advice is to get out there and find her. It would certainly show to her how you feel about losing her.

I wouldnt have a clue where to start tbh.

 

[Dukat]

Ah, sorry to hear about this Darth

As a lot of people have been saying to me lately: everyone makes mistakes.

What really counts is what you do now, and I think that you're the only one who can really call this one way or the other, just do what you think is best.

Hope you get this sorted out.

 

[00dave]

My advice is to get out there and find her. It would certainly show to her how you feel about losing her. And phone around asking for her, it'll be good for her to hear from all your friends how worried you were that you couldn't find her. Obviously don't tell them why you can't find her if you're not comfortable with them knowing.

Sorry just edited this bit so you might not have read it.

My limited understanding of women leads me to believe that women don't like being alone at times like this and seek out friendly female company for a shoulder to cry on. Have you tried calling her friends?

 

[Darthshearer]

Sorry just edited this bit so you might not have read it.

My limited understanding of women leads me to believe that women don't like being alone at times like this and seek out friendly female company for a shoulder to cry on. Have you tried calling her friends?

She will be with her hockey mates as it was already organised she was out tonight with them. The problem is, she told most of them this morning at one of the games that we were having problems.

The problem I have with the hockey bunch is they only get one side of the story and their all mates. We once went out for my BDay, I got a little drunk and had a laugh at the meal. My Gfriend went home straight after that and I spoke to her hockey mates a month or so after that, they looked at me as if I was shite on their shoes. Saying "Had I sorted my head out" etc.

 

[russell]

Oh Darth, you are only human.

I second what Old T says about the spark tho.

But the most IMPORTANT thing... TRY and find her, dont just sit around and do nothing. She will be with her friends ( they may lie for her tho, and say she isnt)
She needs to know NOTHING happened and that you love her. She will want details and answers so think carefully about what you say.

good luck -hope it is ok for you x

 

[00dave]

She will be with her hockey mates as it was already organised she was out tonight with them. The problem is, she told most of them this morning at one of the games that we were having problems.

The problem I have with the hockey bunch is they only get one side of the story and their all mates. We once went out for my BDay, I got a little drunk and had a laugh at the meal. My Gfriend went home straight after that and I spoke to her hockey mates a month or so after that, they looked at me as if I was shite on their shoes. Saying "Had I sorted my head out" etc.

Well let her get it out of her system with her friends around her for support. It's easy to take the flak from people you don't see that often.

I think the biggest problem you have right now is you. You're mind is going at 100000mph and you're assuming the worst. You're thinking about the future when there is nothing you can do about it unless you deal with the present first. You need support yourself otherwise you wouldn't be hear asking us for advice. Call your mates, ask if they can come round for a chat or you go round their's or go somewhere. The worst thing you can do at times like this is be on your own, and I'm afraid the internet isn't good enough to bolster your mental state.

 

[chipper]

if you go out and find her, leave a note if you do saying you have gone out, it will really miff her if she comes home and finds you not there.

tell her you love her and that nothing happened and for gods sake you better mean it cos if you dont she will know. once thats out the way m8 u need to sit down with her and tell her all these things that are pissing you off its no good tellin us lot altho i do understand at the moment you need someone to talk to id suggest askin a friend over rather than using forums. bottling it up and blowing ya top occasionally is not the answer believe me im exactly the same i get jealous quite easily and bottle it up but im starting to realise if i say something early on it doesnt become an issue.

if she loves you m8 she will come home to you she will be angry but its justified and your gonna have to take it on the chin

 

[russell]

true - always turn to your mates for adivce and support. But only you know how she ticks and how thing really are btw the two of you. So listen yes -but do what you feel is best and I still think you should take steps to find her- dont just leave it as she WILL think you are not that bothered.

 

[mycenae]

Its alwats crappy when this happens, and I'm feeling for you mate. If you think you might have an inkling where she is, then go ahead and find her, but I'm not sure it'd be a great thing to do if you have to ring round all her mates....you don't know how many of them know that you were having problems and it may be that she doesn't want them all to know....which they're going to if you ring round saying you can't find her.

The most important thing you can do is TALK TO HER, when you get the chance. For god's sake don't let this fester. You've realised you did something wrong, you're more than willing to eat humble pie over it, but you also have to remember that it takes two to make a relationship work and it sounds as though maybe you both need to look at where things aren't so great and take steps to rectify it. That doesn't mean blame her, or sound like you're blaming her, but gently let her know that you aren't happy with the lack of sex, for example, and maybe its something you can work at together.

I hope you find her dude.....I'll be thinking of you x x x

 

[Jupitus]

Darthy - petrol station for some flowers, note left saying where you've gone as someone said, and go find her. Ignore her mates who might give you shit, just give her the flowers, tell her you love her and that you need to talk.

Get it straightened out... good luck

 

[Darthshearer]

Ive wrote all my problems down. Now how the fuck do I find her in Leeds? Its MASSIVE and I dont have any of her mates numbers

 

[Bugz]

Dude, if you still want her - do everything in your power to make that known.

Something unique, personal and special that you can tell her just how much of a fool you were and how much you want her -> a letter IMO.

Maybe post it through the letterbox of whoever she is staying at. This way, you are giving her time, let also letting her know that you are thinking of her.

If you need some inspiration that life isn't long enough to fuck things up and let them stay fucked up - watch American Beauty - it will inspire you to do what your heart tells you!

Goodluck

 

[Darthshearer]

Tried to call her again, this time her phone is on and no answer

 

[Bugz]

A powerful and effective text then!

 

[Darthshearer]

A powerful and effective text then!

Obviously not read my post marra

 

[russell]

text like youve never texted before

 

[Darthshearer]

text like youve never texted before

Again, I dont have my phone as she has it and I blocked it this morning, so no phone to text her with.

I just have a bad feeling its over

 

[Bugz]

Buy a fuckin phone then - use a friend's phone - steal a phone.

She may be waiting for you to go out of your way to contact her, or you're right - it may be over.

Is it worth assuming the later or taking a chance?

 

[chipper]

i know your not online but i know 02 website allows you to send 10 free txts its something you might want to look into

its good your beating yourself up m8 if nothing else it proves you love her alot but running scenarios through your mind will not help


go next door ask to borrow there mobile or ring a friend from a landline or phone booth ask them to send a txt for you theres always a way fella good luck anyway m8 im sure you will sort it out

 

[Darthshearer]

Drove round where she normally goes and I cant see her car. Im going to give her some space and stay at a mates for the rest of the weeeknd.

Its over IMO.

 

[mycenae]

Darth mate....if you love her as much as you say you do, do you not think you're being a little defeatist? After one try you've given up? Its not the way mate, I'm tellin' ya.