Jokes
- Thread starter Jai13
- Start date
confused
Can't get enough of FH
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2005
- Messages
- 730
They're a bit rude, so children cover your eyes
1.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
2.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said, You'll like this one !!
"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I said to her, "Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack. So Jill said "Exactly, and if you don't change your f****** attitude, you never will!"
3.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the Chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds... a hell of a lot quicker than waiting for a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He inserts ten pounds in coins, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into a clinic.
4. Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a good lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
4.
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.
"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
1.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
2.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said, You'll like this one !!
"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I said to her, "Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack. So Jill said "Exactly, and if you don't change your f****** attitude, you never will!"
3.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the Chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds... a hell of a lot quicker than waiting for a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He inserts ten pounds in coins, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into a clinic.
4. Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a good lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
4.
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.
"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
Laddey
FH is my second home
- Joined
- May 24, 2005
- Messages
- 7,124
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Laddey
FH is my second home
- Joined
- May 24, 2005
- Messages
- 7,124
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
Am i loose le touch?
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
Am i loose le touch?
Tasslehoff
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2003
- Messages
- 1,925
Rofl at some of them, gave you rep Confused. Tried to give Orm, but couldn't. Quoted some of them to my guild's web.'
-----------------------
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!
She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, “Watch out for that f*cking wall!”
-----------------------
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!
She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, “Watch out for that f*cking wall!”
liloe
It's my birthday today!
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2004
- Messages
- 4,166
A young man comes into a pharmacy and asks for the best smoothest hyper-ultra condoms. "You know", he tells the apothecary, "I'm meeting the parents of my girlfriend for the first time today and we'll have a nice dinner tonight. I feel it's gonna be THE night, so please give me the pack of 12 cause we're not gonna stop for the night."
Later that day, the young man is having his dinner and all are sitting around the table. The young man is very quiet, so his girlfriend asks him: "I didn't know you were so shy, hun?" Replies the young man: "Well I didn't know your dad was apothecary."
==================================================
This letter arrived on the 1st january 2000 in the mailbox of a worked in a french society:
Dear employee,
our archives indicate that you have not taken any free days during the last 100 years.
You are not without knowing that the French law allows 5 weeks of payed holidays per year for each employee, or gives them the opportunity to take the an equal amount of salary.
In addition to this, an accordance with the conventions signed with the syndicates allows you an extra week of payed holidays for each period of five years of work in the same enterprise.
This is why I have the honor to ask you to have 9,400 free days taken; if you prefer choosing the option, please contact the accounts department so that the sum of 1,427,143.42 Francs (NOTE: that is around 200,000 euros) which represents your salary including interests is been given to you via a cheque.
Good day,
the accounts department
==================================================
A duck enters a shop and asks: "Hello, do you have peanuts". The shopkeeper denies.
The next day, the duck comes again and asks: "Hello, do you have peanuts?". The shopkeeper denies again, looking a bit pissed.
The day after again, the duck comes again and asks the same question. The shopkeeper responds: "Ok listen up. If you come once more and ask me that I'll nail your beak together, understood?"
Then again, the duck comes into the store and asks: "Do you have nails?" The shopkeeper denies. "Well, then do you have peanuts?"
==================================================
A French and a Belgian (NOTE: the belgians are the french's favourite targets of jokes) are sitting in a cinema watching a film. Suddenly the French says: "Listen up, I bet 100 bucks that the guy on the horse will fall off"
-"All right", says the Belgian.
Two minutes later the cowbay falls down and the French admits:
-"Well I had already seen the film"
Says the Belgian:
-"Yer me too, but I couldn't believe he'd fall a second time"
==================================================
A woman wants to pass a paying bridge and gives the employee 15 bucks.
-"You're wrong milady, the price is 30 bucks", he tells her.
-"No matter", she answers, "I'm gonna jump off the bridge in the middle anyways."
Ok, that's it for today, maybe I can find some more good ones another time =))
Later that day, the young man is having his dinner and all are sitting around the table. The young man is very quiet, so his girlfriend asks him: "I didn't know you were so shy, hun?" Replies the young man: "Well I didn't know your dad was apothecary."
==================================================
This letter arrived on the 1st january 2000 in the mailbox of a worked in a french society:
Dear employee,
our archives indicate that you have not taken any free days during the last 100 years.
You are not without knowing that the French law allows 5 weeks of payed holidays per year for each employee, or gives them the opportunity to take the an equal amount of salary.
In addition to this, an accordance with the conventions signed with the syndicates allows you an extra week of payed holidays for each period of five years of work in the same enterprise.
This is why I have the honor to ask you to have 9,400 free days taken; if you prefer choosing the option, please contact the accounts department so that the sum of 1,427,143.42 Francs (NOTE: that is around 200,000 euros) which represents your salary including interests is been given to you via a cheque.
Good day,
the accounts department
==================================================
A duck enters a shop and asks: "Hello, do you have peanuts". The shopkeeper denies.
The next day, the duck comes again and asks: "Hello, do you have peanuts?". The shopkeeper denies again, looking a bit pissed.
The day after again, the duck comes again and asks the same question. The shopkeeper responds: "Ok listen up. If you come once more and ask me that I'll nail your beak together, understood?"
Then again, the duck comes into the store and asks: "Do you have nails?" The shopkeeper denies. "Well, then do you have peanuts?"
==================================================
A French and a Belgian (NOTE: the belgians are the french's favourite targets of jokes) are sitting in a cinema watching a film. Suddenly the French says: "Listen up, I bet 100 bucks that the guy on the horse will fall off"
-"All right", says the Belgian.
Two minutes later the cowbay falls down and the French admits:
-"Well I had already seen the film"
Says the Belgian:
-"Yer me too, but I couldn't believe he'd fall a second time"
==================================================
A woman wants to pass a paying bridge and gives the employee 15 bucks.
-"You're wrong milady, the price is 30 bucks", he tells her.
-"No matter", she answers, "I'm gonna jump off the bridge in the middle anyways."
Ok, that's it for today, maybe I can find some more good ones another time =))
Tasslehoff
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2003
- Messages
- 1,925
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Ormorof
FH is my second home
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,888
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a Remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there."Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m....urges....
That's why we have the camel, sir."The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish
do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
That's why we have the camel, sir."The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish
do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Calaen
I am a massive cock who isn't firing atm!
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,538
A teacher in an American school classroom asks the kids to raise their hand if they are American. All but one kid raise their hands.
Teacher: "Why didn't you raise your hand"
Child: "I'm Canadian"
T: "How can you be Canadian?"
C: "My Mom and Dad are Canadian"
T: "Well that's just silly! If your Mom and Dad were morons what would that make you?"
C: "Well then I'd be American!"
Teacher: "Why didn't you raise your hand"
Child: "I'm Canadian"
T: "How can you be Canadian?"
C: "My Mom and Dad are Canadian"
T: "Well that's just silly! If your Mom and Dad were morons what would that make you?"
C: "Well then I'd be American!"
Calaen
I am a massive cock who isn't firing atm!
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,538
Ormorof said:The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a Remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there."Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m....urges....
That's why we have the camel, sir."The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish
do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
rep for joo
Calaen
I am a massive cock who isn't firing atm!
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,538
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wifepacking a suitcase. He asks,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into thebedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, hereplies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you liveon $800 a year"
Amildin
Can't get enough of FH
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2004
- Messages
- 2,690
Ormorof said:The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a Remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there."Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m....urges....
That's why we have the camel, sir."The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish
do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Such FHM stealing
Ormorof
FH is my second home
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,888
Amildin said:It was their Joke of the month recently iirc
Had a nice animation of the guy banging the camel
lol
they probably got it too, its been doing the rounds for over a year now i guess
have a blonde joke!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond.-"They're watch dogs!"
(sorry Monty Python for the rip-off)
Cozak
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2004
- Messages
- 2,871
Dont know if it has already been posted, apologies if it has. Anyhow..
There was an Irishman on the game show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' he was on the 1000quid question with all 3 life lines remaining and Tarrant asks him the question;
''Who did the Great Train Robbery? Was it A, B, C or D''
The Irishman thinks for a minute then says;
''Il take the money please Chris''
Tarrant is a bit confused and reminds the Irishman he has all 3 life lines remaining. The Irishman acknowledges this and tells Tarrant that he will definitely take the money.
Later on backstage after the show Tarrant goes up to the Irishman and says;
''Why did you take the money and not use your lifelines? Did you not know the answer?''
to which the Irishman replies;
''O, I knew the answer alright, but I aint no fucking grass''
There was an Irishman on the game show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' he was on the 1000quid question with all 3 life lines remaining and Tarrant asks him the question;
''Who did the Great Train Robbery? Was it A, B, C or D''
The Irishman thinks for a minute then says;
''Il take the money please Chris''
Tarrant is a bit confused and reminds the Irishman he has all 3 life lines remaining. The Irishman acknowledges this and tells Tarrant that he will definitely take the money.
Later on backstage after the show Tarrant goes up to the Irishman and says;
''Why did you take the money and not use your lifelines? Did you not know the answer?''
to which the Irishman replies;
''O, I knew the answer alright, but I aint no fucking grass''