Jokes
- Thread starter Jai13
- Start date
Laddey
FH is my second home
- Joined
- May 24, 2005
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- 7,124
I said this in the last joke thread but i got le repp!
Why are marriages and tornados similar?
First of all they start with loads of sucking and blowing, then eventually you lose your house!
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.
Why are marriages and tornados similar?
First of all they start with loads of sucking and blowing, then eventually you lose your house!
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.
![[SS]Gamblor](/data/avatars/m/2/2844.jpg?1319140898){kind=avatar}
[SS]Gamblor
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2004
- Messages
- 1,293
What do you get if you cross an Elephant and a Rhino ?
Elephino ( Pronounced Hell if i know )
Elephino ( Pronounced Hell if i know )
Saveus
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2005
- Messages
- 894
So a preacher went to a fish market to get supper, while strolling around he saw a young boy yelling 'SELLING DAM FISH, SELLING DAM FISH" the preacher is very religious so he approached the boy and said excuse me what did u say???? The boy replied im selling fish from the dam, up the river. The preacher relized his mistake and bought the fish off him for his supper.
When he arrived at his house, his wife asked him so what did you get for supper. he said DAM FISH. she was appalled.... after all this was a REALLY religious family, then he said ohhhh its fish from the damn hunny. she relized he didnt cuss, and said okay and started cooking the fish.
At the dinner table later that night they was having a big ol meal with the fish and the dad says to his son... pass the dam fish.. the kids looks at his dad and says THATS THE SPIRIT DAD PASS THE FUCKING POTATOES...
WHats long hard and full of semen!??!
a ship!!!!
When he arrived at his house, his wife asked him so what did you get for supper. he said DAM FISH. she was appalled.... after all this was a REALLY religious family, then he said ohhhh its fish from the damn hunny. she relized he didnt cuss, and said okay and started cooking the fish.
At the dinner table later that night they was having a big ol meal with the fish and the dad says to his son... pass the dam fish.. the kids looks at his dad and says THATS THE SPIRIT DAD PASS THE FUCKING POTATOES...
WHats long hard and full of semen!??!
a ship!!!!
Laddey
FH is my second home
- Joined
- May 24, 2005
- Messages
- 7,124
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare..
:worthy:
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What did the thirsty whale do?
Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare..
:worthy:
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What did the thirsty whale do?
Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.
Laddey
FH is my second home
- Joined
- May 24, 2005
- Messages
- 7,124
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
:worthy:
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
:worthy:
Laddey
FH is my second home
- Joined
- May 24, 2005
- Messages
- 7,124
My last one now.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!
Those two arn't so good but who cares?
Click le scales
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!
Those two arn't so good but who cares?
Pera said:
Click le scales
Ormorof
FH is my second home
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- Dec 22, 2003
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- 9,888
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on
a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly
trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a
lift.
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He
tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the
scousers he has to leave.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in
the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he
agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of
the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough
PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he
replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher
asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already
hatched and the fuckers have managed to nick a motorbike already".
a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly
trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a
lift.
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He
tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the
scousers he has to leave.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in
the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he
agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of
the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough
PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he
replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher
asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already
hatched and the fuckers have managed to nick a motorbike already".
Three men walk into a pub, One irish, One Aussie and One Scouser.
They sit down and have a pint, they look across the bar and see a man in white robes with long brown hair and a beard.
"Hey, Is that Jesus over there" The scouser implied
"Looks like it mate" Said the aussie.
The three men couldn't belive it, so they sent him three pints in good will, The scouser sent some carlsberg, the aussie some fosters and the irish man sent him some guiness.
THe bloke accepted the pints and drunk them down quickly and approached the three men.
He offered his hand to the Aussie, "Hello, that was a lovely pint, God bless you"
"Whoa, my bad back, its cured!" Exclaimed the Aussie
Jesus offers his hand to the irish man and said, " Thank you i love guiness, here, god bless you"
"My broken wrist, its healed? surely.. how?"
Jesus offers his hand to the scouser and says "Thank you, that was a great pint, here, take my hand and god bless you"
The scouser shouts "Get away from me man! I don't want to loose my disability benefits!"
They sit down and have a pint, they look across the bar and see a man in white robes with long brown hair and a beard.
"Hey, Is that Jesus over there" The scouser implied
"Looks like it mate" Said the aussie.
The three men couldn't belive it, so they sent him three pints in good will, The scouser sent some carlsberg, the aussie some fosters and the irish man sent him some guiness.
THe bloke accepted the pints and drunk them down quickly and approached the three men.
He offered his hand to the Aussie, "Hello, that was a lovely pint, God bless you"
"Whoa, my bad back, its cured!" Exclaimed the Aussie
Jesus offers his hand to the irish man and said, " Thank you i love guiness, here, god bless you"
"My broken wrist, its healed? surely.. how?"
Jesus offers his hand to the scouser and says "Thank you, that was a great pint, here, take my hand and god bless you"
The scouser shouts "Get away from me man! I don't want to loose my disability benefits!"
Hollomere
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2004
- Messages
- 71
Bloke walks into a fishmongers and goes to the man behind the counter "Excuse me mate, do you sell fish cakes?"
"Why yes we do", replies the man. "Oh great" says the bloke "Can I have one for my goldfish please? - its his birthday tomorrow"
===================================================
A man walks into the vets with his dog, and the vet takes it away and tells the man to wait there for 10 minutes or so while he examines it.
15 minutes later he walks out, site opposite the man, looks hiom straight in the eye and says "Could you say Aaaaaahhhh for me please?"
"Aaaaahhh??" says the man, "why?"
"Because 10 minutes ago your dog died" replies the Vet
"Why yes we do", replies the man. "Oh great" says the bloke "Can I have one for my goldfish please? - its his birthday tomorrow"
===================================================
A man walks into the vets with his dog, and the vet takes it away and tells the man to wait there for 10 minutes or so while he examines it.
15 minutes later he walks out, site opposite the man, looks hiom straight in the eye and says "Could you say Aaaaaahhhh for me please?"
"Aaaaahhh??" says the man, "why?"
"Because 10 minutes ago your dog died" replies the Vet
