Joke of the day

[]AC[dRuM]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

"Paint... my... house."

 

[Addlcove]

actually he said "Read.... the.... thread"

already posted

 

[]AC[dRuM]

actually he said "Read.... the.... thread"

..

 

[TdC]

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your letter. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a job.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your firm’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment on Monday. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

(sign your name here)

 

[Lazarus]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her t*ts."

"Play with her t*ts"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can Slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

 

[TdC]

ooh err matron!

 

[Tom]

TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2004 ACCORDING TO READER'S DIGEST.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. Instead of handing over his ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks upto the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW...FOR THE...#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[Dr_Weasel]

Vietnam do not normally celebrate Christmas, but this year they are considering stringing up Glitter.

 

[Dommers]

Rofl

 

[Gef]

A bus carrying a group of nuns crashed, killing all on board. At the pearly gates St Peter asks "Before you are let through, have you ever touched a mans genitals?"

The first nun said "I once put my finger on some." "Wash that finger in the bowl of holy water, and you can pass" said St Peter.

The second nun said "I once touched some genitals with my hand." "Wash your hand in the holy water and you can pass."

Suddenly there is a pushing and shoving from the back of the queue, and Sister Marie barged to the front. "Well", she explained to St Peter, "I want to wash my mouth out before Sister Bernadette washes her arse."

 

[gmloki]

I had a fight in B&Q last night One of the staff came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, so I got the first punch in and legged it.

 

[Trem]

You need office installed for this, maybe powerpoint. -

http://www.tremlar.co.uk/Stuff/710Cap_1.pps

 

[bob269]

You need office installed for this, maybe powerpoint. -

http://www.tremlar.co.uk/Stuff/710Cap_1.pps

Aye the old un's are the best

 

[Trem]

Aye thats why I'm surprised you didn't send it me

 

[Wij]

A bus carrying a group of nuns crashed, killing all on board. At the pearly gates St Peter asks "Before you are let through, have you ever touched a mans genitals?"

The first nun said "I once put my finger on some." "Wash that finger in the bowl of holy water, and you can pass" said St Peter.

The second nun said "I once touched some genitals with my hand." "Wash your hand in the holy water and you can pass."

Suddenly there is a pushing and shoving from the back of the queue, and Sister Marie barged to the front. "Well", she explained to St Peter, "I want to wash my mouth out before Sister Bernadette washes her arse."

I think I posted a similar joke about 3 years ago

 

[Lazarus]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles whilst taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

 

[Whipped]

This has been doing the rounds and made me laugh.

This Dept of Transport initiative has been re-launched may 2006

Information release:

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the DoT has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

The list of driving badly includes:

Overtaking in dangerous places
Hovering within one inch of the car in front
Stopping sharply
Speeding in residential areas
Pulling out without indicating
Performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets
Under taking on motorways
Taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads
Sitting in the middle lane of the motorway regardless of other traffic (or lack of it)

For this reason those drivers who are found to be driving badly will be issued with flags that are white with a red cross. This will signify their inability to drive properly. These flags mush be clipped to the door of the car and be visible to all drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

 

[bob269]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and
Holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink
dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

 

[Tom]

 

[Lazarus]

 

[Louster]

Those are extremely shitty pedants. They didn't pick up "Correspondance", "accross", "appologies" or "grammer", not to mention "look forwards", "thankyou" and numerous other strange constructions (such as "accepting me in"). Poor show.

 

[bob269]

Those are extremely shitty pedants. They didn't pick up "Correspondance", "accross", "appologies" or "grammer", not to mention "look forwards", "thankyou" and numerous other strange constructions (such as "accepting me in"). Poor show.

The letters were also dated around 5 days apart for the reply and response, obviously they weren't using Royal Mail

 

[Choc]

lmFao brilliant


long live the a-team:worthy: