[Contains offensive material] Sick joke contest #57!

[Ezteq]

[EDITED by Deebs 11:07 14th Sept 2007]
Folks, your friendly Deebsmeister here, a little advice please make sure that anything that is posted in this thread does NOT fall foul of the CoC and ensure that all jokes are wrapped in spoilers.

Ok chaps I note that a few of you think you have a particularly narsteh sense of humour.

Well here's the place to let it all out, please may I make a request that all modification and PC "I think thats just not funny its just sick" isms are not included in this thread as it is purposefully supposed to see the depths of the sickness of you guys out there and if we have anyone being all sensitive and judgemental youll inhibit the natural sickness that I am trying to probe.


rules:
1) no pictures just words
2) obviously you can recycle someone elses joke but type it your self no lazy bastard linking
3) no judging/condemnation
4) no flaming this is a sick joke thread, it does exactly what it says on the tin if you are likely to be offended please do not read any further.
5) no running
6) no splashing
7) no heavy petting
8) no dogs (guide dogs excepted)
9) no flash photography
10) no "Old" comments, olds are to be expected!



On your marks?


Get set...


Let the sickness begin!!!

GO!!!

[I will make a suitable award for the winner if anyone has the stones to get really sick]

 

[Amanita]

Spoiler

Whats red, dead and at the end of a woman's bed? A miscarriage.

You wanted sick

 

[Ezteq]

whats 18 inches long and makes the ladies scream in the night?



cot death

 

[crispy]

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

theres more at Sick Dead Baby Jokes !

 

[Vladamir]

These are quite bad so i'll spoiler them incase you don't want to see

Spoiler

Theres a new car on the market, apparently you won't even know your children are in the back. They're calling it the Renault McCann.

Whats the difference between the pope and Maddy McCann?

The Pope died a virgin

 

[old.Tohtori]

You can't handle the idea of boinking your own hot mother...and you call yourself sick

But, you want sick? I'll give you sick gods damnit. It's even a Seel Original Writing.

Spoiler

A couple invited a friend over for dinner and as the wife cooked a lovely meal in the kitchen, the men sat down to watch the game. All went well, they were chatting away and soon enough, the wife rang a bell an called the men for dinner.

For starters, they had some lovely sorbet and the man asked where they got such lovely taste to it. "Oh, we're organic, we don't throw anything away. It's made from orange peels mostly."

The man nodded "Tastes absolutely wonderful. Never thought you could make something like this from orange peels."

For dinner, there was a lovely vegetable soup and the man felt like it was the best he ever had. "Where on earth did you find these vegetables, the store ones are always so stale."

The husband laughed a bit and said "We're organic you see, we don't throw anything away. Those are made from old potato peels and some other vegetable peels."

After dinner, the men headed to the living room to watch the rest of the game and after a while, the wife came with a tray of pigs in a blanket, some chips and a few drinks, just to pass the evening along.

The dicussion flowed and so did the wine, and somewhere along the line the man looked down a bit and then carefully asked "I heard that you lost your baby, i'm so sorry to hear that."

The husband looked down, but with a little smile he said "Well, she's in a better place now."

The man nodded and asked "Was it a nice funeral?"

The husband looked up and shook his head, "Oh no, we're organic you see and we don't throw anything away..."

The wife leaned over and asked "Another pig in a blanket?"

 

[Dakkath]

All I can say is ewww, some of the early entries are a bit... But hell, we all knew to expect that kinda thing when we came in here, fair warning and all that...

Anyway, most of mine seem rather tame now (and yeah a couple are old too) but seeing as the 2 ladies set the initial tone that anything's fair game ...

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I hear some of Saddam Hussein's shirts have come up for auction on eBay.
The collars are a bit worn, but they hang well.

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What's the best thing about twenty five year olds?
The fact there's twenty of them.

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Did you hear about the 'Ken Bigley' Christmas crackers....?
They're the same as normal Christmas crackers, but without the hat!

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What's the difference between Paula Radcliff and Hitler?
At least Hitler tried to finish the race!

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What's red and blue and doesn't like sex very much?
A rape victim

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Little Johnny wakes up on christmas morning, runs downstairs and is greeted by his parents and hundreds of presents under the tree.

"Oh Wow!" cries Little Johnny as he starts tearing away at all the wrapping paper. Little Johnny is so excited as he opens the presents. He has a brand new BMX, a skateboard, a playstation, a brand new PC, a scooter, a climbing frame - everything a little boy would want.

When he finishes opening all the presents, Little Johnny asks his parents if he can go round to Little Timmy's house to tell him about all the wonderful presents he got.

"Of course you can Little Johnny, off you go, but be back before dinner!"

So off Little Johnny goes, and gets to Little Timmy's house.

"Oh Timmy! This is the best christmas EVER! I got a playstation, a BMX, a new computer - everything i could ever want!!"

"Oh your so lucky", replies Little Timmy, "I wish I had cancer."

 

[tris-]

this thread is gonna get nasty very quickly

Whats the difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes? The jokes get older.

-----

A black man goes into his doctors and complains that he can't stop jogging, so the doctor puts two lines of white powder on the table and tells him to snort them.

He does this immediately and says "fuck me - is that cocaine?"

"No" says the doctor "it's persil - guaranteed to stop coloured's from running"

--------

Priest walking along a cliffs edge sees a little boy crying. He asks the boy, "Son why are you crying?"

"My parents have tripped and fallen down!" The boy cries out.

Priest walks to the edge of the cliff, sees the parents bodies at the bottom, turns around undoing his pants and says to the boy, "Well, it's not your lucky day is it!"

------

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"

So he stabbed her & nicked her purse.

-----

God and jesus talkin in heaven!
god passes jesus pavorotti
jesus says "what the fuckinhell is that!"
god replies" it's that tenner i owe u"

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whats funnier than a dead baby?

a dead baby in a clown suit

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hitler is inspecting one of his camps and he says "little girl how old are you?"

the girl replies "i turn 9 tomorrow!"

"no you don't."

 

[Amphrax]

A guy rings his boss at work and says, "look, I'm really sorry, but I can`t come to work today. I'm sick".

"Sick!" screams his boss "Sick! This is the tenth time this month. Exactly how sick are you?"

"Well", he replies. "I`m in bed with my 3 year old daughter right now".

Amphrax/Arauddry

 

[Amanita]

Whats the definition of mean?

Strap dynamite to the bottom of a wheelchair and tell the occupant to "leg it"

(the twins love these and insist on passing them on to me)

 

[Dakkath]

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
One, but you have to throw it really hard.

 

[gohan]

im worried that ive found all these jokes really funny :< does than make me the sickest one here?

*TBH the miscaridge one made me cringe abit

 

[Cerb]

1.After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

2.The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.

After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

I had 2!

 

[Sparx]

whats worse than finding a hair in your soup?

Being raped

------------------------

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari?

I dont have a ferrari in my garage

 

[Cerb]

What does 5 year old cock smell like?

*blows on hand and offers to smell*

 

[Solo]

A granny had trouble inserting a supository and asked her grandson for help.

She bent down and he asked "Does it go in the brown hole or do I feed it to the turkey!"



Have more but not suitable.

 

[tris-]

everythings suitable you motherfucker, post em.

 

[georgie]

What's blue and fucks kids?

Me in my lucky blue suit.

 

[Solo]

Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Sickipedia - The Sick Jokes Encyclopedia

 

[tris-]

hitler was talking to his commanders in a pub just before WW2 "what im gonna do is kill millions of jews and a clown". someone over hears him and says "why you gonna kill a clown?" hitler replys "see, no one gives a shit about the jews!"

 

[Congax]

hitler was talking to his commanders in a pub just before WW2 "what im gonna do is kill millions of jews and a clown". someone over hears him and says "why you gonna kill a clown?" hitler replys "see, no one gives a shit about the jews!"

I'm confused. Is the Bash.org quote based on this joke or vice versa?

 

[Overdriven]

What's white and hairy, but occasionally being nailed by something black?

A man being raped in prison.

 

[Gins]

Only know racist jokes i guess


How do you get a black guy out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

-------------------------------------------------------------

What do you do when you see a Jew with only 1 leg?

Stop laughing and shoot again

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Why are black guys so strong nowadays?

TV's get heavier these days

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How do you stop a jew from drowning?

Take your foot of his head.

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Why would you never run into a black guy riding a bike?

It could be your bike..

-----------------------------------------------------------

Whats a black guy in a fancy suit?

A convict.

---------------------------------------------------------

 

[Gamah]

Why is the Bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

 

[tris-]

I'm confused. Is the Bash.org quote based on this joke or vice versa?

i made it up 20 years ago

 

[Overdriven]

(NOT a nice joke, quite sick, even for me... =()

What's white, red, brown, black, bubbles and can scream - in the period of 10 minutes?

Spoiler

- A white baby being fucked anally, then being cooked alive in a microwave

 

[Azurus]

One day in early summer theres a terrible shipwreck in the Carribean. Only 3 people survive the wreckage, 2 men and 1 woman. Luckily for them, they spy a small desert island and just about manage to swim there. As time goes along nature takes its course, and both men start sleeping with the woman, without the other man knowing. Eventually the woman commits suicide as she is so wracked with guilt about cheating on both men. Soon enough, nature takes its course with the two men, i mean what else is there to do on a deserted desert island? After about a year they decided they need to stop what they are doing as it is clearly immoral.



























So they bury her.

 

[leviathane]

mate told me this one. Warning not for the pc or well normal person.

Spoiler

What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and the Pope.....

The pope will die a virgin.

 

[Vladamir]

Read my spoiler you faggot Levi

 

[tris-]

half of these are not as bad as you guys like to make out. unless im just too desensitized to everything. i want the hardest of hardcore