[Contains offensive material] Sick joke contest #57!

[Roalith]

A choice selection...

Spoiler

Q. What is blue and doesn't fit?
A. A dead epileptic.

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy jacking off.

How can you tell if your dad is gay?
Because his dick tastes like shit.

What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.

What do you get when yoo hit a baby in the head with a hammer?
An erection!

A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags. he asks her where she's going and she sobs, "I'm leaving you!"
"Why?!" he asks. "Haven't I been good to you? Taken care of you? Given you everything you wanted?"
She replies, "Well, yes... but... all my friends say you're a PEDOPHILE!"
The man smiles gently and tells her, "Ok, slow down there honey. First of all, that's an awful big word for an 11-year-old to be using..."

A man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."
"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist.
"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."

 

[Overdriven]

thats the worst one so far

Aye, I told ya it's gross.

 

[Imgormiel]

Aye, I told ya it's gross.

You should have said, ripped from Chubby Brown

 

[Overdriven]

You should have said, ripped from Chubby Brown

Didn't rip it from anywhere Don't even know who that guy is. (Some comedian or something?)

 

[kivik]

So basically doing [contains offensive material] tags is enough to post racistic jokes?

Or is it just 'ok' since it's jokes afterall?

And no, I really don't take offence.

So here's one from me:

Spoiler

What does KKK and Nike have in common?

They make black people run!

 

[Vladamir]

Spoiler

i sat in front a leper in a restaraunt the other day, i looked at him and threw up, he apologized his seaping wounds were putting me off my food, its not that i said the guy behind you keeps dipping his chips in your back

 

[Overdriven]

Spoiler

i sat in front a leper in a restaraunt the other day, i looked at him and threw up, he apologized his seaping wounds were putting me off my food, its not that i said the guy behind you keeps dipping his chips in your back

LOL XD

 

[cHodAX]

Spoiler

i sat in front a leper in a restaraunt the other day, i looked at him and threw up, he apologized his seaping wounds were putting me off my food, its not that i said the guy behind you keeps dipping his chips in your back

lol that is grim

 

[Gamah]

nice one from vlad, shame hes a twat though.

 

[gohan]

How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear



im disgusted with myself

 

[Overdriven]

Spoilers please. Even though it's a sick thread, we don't wanna hear about dead kids. (The Mcann kid is bad enough)

 

[Kronic]

how do you do make a woman scream twice?


do her up the arse then wipe your cock on the curtains

 

[GRN]

how do you do make a woman scream twice?


do her up the arse then wipe your cock on the curtains

But.. Isn't that the normal routine?

 

[Calaen]

I guess a mod will have to spoiler these up

 

[gohan]

How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear



im disgusted with myself

how do you do make a woman scream twice?


do her up the arse then wipe your cock on the curtains

how original :<

 

[tris-]

Spoilers please. Even though it's a sick thread, we don't wanna hear about dead kids. (The Mcann kid is bad enough)

i do actually, bonus points if it involves a jew AND a black man

 

[Overdriven]

i do actually, bonus points if it involves a jew AND a black man

You missed the joke

 

[Shadowss]

pssst i dunno how to do spoilers but

What happens when you put a baby into a blender?

I dunno i was too busy having a wank...


What do nike and the KKK have in common?

they both make black people run fast.


(sorry .. dunno how to do spoilers )

 

[Thadius]

pssst i dunno how to do spoilers but

What happens when you put a baby into a blender?

I dunno i was too busy having a wank...


What do nike and the KKK have in common?

they both make black people run fast.


(sorry .. dunno how to do spoilers )

They have both been said earlier in this thread!

 

[Shadowss]

They have both been said earlier in this thread!

really?? i didnt see them?!?!? and i carefully looked

 

[Thadius]

really?? i didnt see them?!?!? and i carefully looked

The Nike one is, the baby blender one has been done in various formats

 

[Tierce_]

What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown suit.

 

[gohan]

What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown suit.

done on the first page :<

 

[cHodAX]

Taken from another site I visit...

Spoiler

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

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A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

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Mr cadbury and miss rowntree met on a double decker,it was after eight.
.she was from quality street,he was a fisherman`s friend.

On the way they stopped a yorky bar ,he had a rum and butter she had
a wine gum.

He asked her name,polo,i`m the one with the hole ` she said.i`mthe one with the
nuts, he thought! then he touched her milky way.

They checked in to a hotel ,and went straight to the bedroom .mr cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of black magic.

It wasn`t long before he slipped his hand into her snickers and felt her
cream egg .he fondled her flap jacks then he showed her his curly
wurly and tic tacs.

Miss rowntree wasn`t keen to have any jelly babys, so she let him
take a trip down bouneville boulevard via her party ring .he was
pleased as he always fancied a bit of fudge.it was a magic moment as
she let out a screem of turkish delight.

When he pulled out ,his fun size mars bar felt a bit crunchie .she
wanted more ,but he needed time out , however , he noticed her pink
wafers looked very appetizing .he did a twirl ,had a picnic in her
sherbet dip and finished off by giving her a gob stopper!

Unfortunately ,mr cadbury then had to go home to his wife ,caramel.
sadly, 3 days later his magnum lolly started to drip.it turned out miss
rowntree had been with bertie basset who had allsorts!!!

 

[cHodAX]

And another....

Spoiler

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:

"Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm."

"Do you masturbate?", he says.

"No luck". is the reply.

"How about cunnilingus?"

"Nope"

"Kick-start vibrator?"

"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.

"Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here." the doctor says as he walks into the next room.

He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.

"What is it", she gasps.

"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.

"It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,

hand!" he commands.

The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.

"Ooooh", she sighs.

"VOODOO DICK, box." The dick returns in a shot to its case.

"You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power."

Certainly, of course, anything you say" she sputters, the wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.

So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she can't wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.

"VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.

"VOODOO DICK, pussy!" she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.

"VOODOO DICK, fuck me." It begins to thrust in and out.

"VOODOO DICK, faster!" It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.

"VOODOO DICK, harder!" It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.

"VOODOO DICK, stop." BUT IT WON'T STOP

"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she yells. It continues its relentless assault.

"Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts" It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in.

She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.

The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing - gotta go" she yells.

"Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?"

"You don't under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me." she sputters.

"A WHAT?", the cop yells?

"A magic VOODOO DICK. It's after me!" she exclaims.

To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"

 

[Huntingtons]

Stop now GRN, the idea of a joke is for it to be funny!

goes for at least 90% of the posters -.-

 

[Vladamir]

Lol Cho the mary one was vile

 

[Overdriven]

How do you know if you've got a bad helicopter piolet?

Spoiler

- When you've got Colin McRae and 2 kids in the back dead

 

[Bugz]

How do you know if you've got a bad helicopter piolet?

Spoiler

- When you've got Colin McRae and 2 kids in the back dead

Taking previous jokes and changing names etc. shouldn't be allowed in this thread! :d


I've got a couple anywho:

Spoiler

- What do u do if you see your TV floating in the middle of the night?
- Shout 'drop it *****!'

-Why do paki's smell
- So blind people can hate them too

 

[Amanita]

And another....

Spoiler

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:

"Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm."

"Do you masturbate?", he says.

"No luck". is the reply.

"How about cunnilingus?"

"Nope"

"Kick-start vibrator?"

"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.

"Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here." the doctor says as he walks into the next room.

He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.

"What is it", she gasps.

"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.

"It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,

hand!" he commands.

The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.

"Ooooh", she sighs.

"VOODOO DICK, box." The dick returns in a shot to its case.

"You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power."

Certainly, of course, anything you say" she sputters, the wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.

So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she can't wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.

"VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.

"VOODOO DICK, pussy!" she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.

"VOODOO DICK, fuck me." It begins to thrust in and out.

"VOODOO DICK, faster!" It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.

"VOODOO DICK, harder!" It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.

"VOODOO DICK, stop." BUT IT WON'T STOP

"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she yells. It continues its relentless assault.

"Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts" It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in.

She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.

The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing - gotta go" she yells.

"Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?"

"You don't under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me." she sputters.

"A WHAT?", the cop yells?

"A magic VOODOO DICK. It's after me!" she exclaims.

To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"

My favourite so far I think!