Untitled beginning to a novel:

[Darksword]

To put it bluntly, and I'm not "flaming" you here; I got bored after the first sentance.

You're trying so hard to put in descriptive words that you're completely losing the reader - it's almost as if the words in between the adjectives are only there to fill in the gaps.

Additionally, you really need to improve your grammar and punctuation. You also change tenses constantly; this reads very poorly.

agree.

tbh, it reads very much like a film, and that ISNT what books are about, books and films are completely different, sure they're a story, but they must be told differently.

go back, read a few thousand pages, maybe check out some literary greats? or just stick with what you want, maybe read books that have similar characters/ideas that you want to add in or whatever and then start again imo.

It sounds like you have a story to tell, you just cant capture the reader with it quiet yet, but you will get there sooner or later.

 

[Bugz]

After immersing myself in a few novels and looking at the introductions, I can see I have the jist of it right but yes, the description, even when toned down, is still far too much.

Infact, I pretty much did a total re-draft and kept the opening couple of lines the same (because I liek them alot):

‘Be safe hunny,’ he whispered, as his arm reached up into the sky, hand outstretched. He yearned for the opportunity to grab her, yet he knew he couldn’t.

Jack’s life had become dull and un-inspirational after the death of his wife, Melody. The wonderful times he had shared with her, since they first met roughly nine years ago, were forced out of him and replaced with misery, mournfulness and morbid mistrust. She had died unexpectedly of a paracetamol overdose, yet Jack begged to differ. Nothing in their life had been bad, the house they shared was big and spacious, they were considerably wealthy (thanks to Jack’s pension from the Police Force) and they had a great deal of love for each other. You could say, without going too wrong, that they were a genuine, middle-aged couple. Yet she felt the need to take her own life? Jack had been questioning this from the moment the news was given to him, as he had broken down in tears. The tears still remained, every night, every morning. Living with the pain of having to wake up on your own, after nine years of comfort and love, was a heavy toll on him. His spirit remained somewhat together though. He spoke to her regularly, pretending to embrace her as his arms circled the air in front of him. Melody was with him spiritually; it was the best he was going to get. He wasn’t going to accept the death and moved on. No. Jack wanted to uncover the truth. Those silly fools at the Police Station may have considered it suicide but Jack knew better. Some one out there had committed murder and he intended to bring justice straight to them…
*


I've written more but I'll share the first part with you.

Any opinions/suggestions? Is it an improvement from the last one (i hope it is)?

 

[Sharkith]

quite nice - I disagree with some of the comments here because you have a style or a pattern your trying to emulate and you don't need to change it to emulate someone else.

My advice would be for you to go read Anton Chekhov's short stories. He works in the style your writing in but somehow always manages to turn the phrases to say something more thanwhat is obvious. He was a master of course so don't be too depressed when you see what he can do.

 

[ambera]

It's definitely progressing. Personally I'd be wary of seeking too much input from other people too early on. Worrying a lot about what other people think can cripple your creativity.

I agree with the advice re. reading - read read read read, for maybe a couple of weeks, or months - and then stop reading, and write. Look at what other writers do, soak it up, maybe do some practice exercises to see if you can do what they're doing, but when you have built up some confidence, forget all about it - just write. It will be there in your subconscious.

I can recommend a couple of books about writing: see if you can get hold of The Creative Writing Coursebook by Julia Bell and Paul Magrs, and Steering the Craft by Ursula Le Guin.

Also think hard about whether a novel is the only way to tell this story. If you've never written any short stories, you should consider giving it a try. A novel is a massive undertaking; a short story gives you an opportunity to try things out and develop your style without getting bogged down.

 

[Cromcruaich]

Really interesting to see the progression, def going in write (sorry right) direction. I'm no writer myself, but its worth taking Amb's advice.

Short and incisive is what I like, you are telling a story, if its over wordy people forget the story by the time theyve finished the current sentence. Ofcourse it depends on who your audience is, it started off like a Mills and Boon, but i dont think that is what you are after?

Very brave of you to post here, I wouldnt have the guts to do it - FH can be a very critical audience.

Try reading some Hemmingway, The Old Man and the Sea is a wonderful short story.

 

[Cadiva]

After immersing myself in a few novels and looking at the introductions, I can see I have the jist of it right but yes, the description, even when toned down, is still far too much.

Infact, I pretty much did a total re-draft and kept the opening couple of lines the same (because I liek them alot):

‘Be safe hunny,’ he whispered, as his arm reached up into the sky, hand outstretched. He yearned for the opportunity to grab her, yet he knew he couldn’t.

Jack’s life had become dull and un-inspirational after the death of his wife, Melody. The wonderful times he had shared with her, since they first met roughly nine years ago, were forced out of him and replaced with misery, mournfulness and morbid mistrust. She had died unexpectedly of a paracetamol overdose, yet Jack begged to differ. Nothing in their life had been bad, the house they shared was big and spacious, they were considerably wealthy (thanks to Jack’s pension from the Police Force) and they had a great deal of love for each other. You could say, without going too wrong, that they were a genuine, middle-aged couple. Yet she felt the need to take her own life? Jack had been questioning this from the moment the news was given to him, as he had broken down in tears. The tears still remained, every night, every morning. Living with the pain of having to wake up on your own, after nine years of comfort and love, was a heavy toll on him. His spirit remained somewhat together though. He spoke to her regularly, pretending to embrace her as his arms circled the air in front of him. Melody was with him spiritually; it was the best he was going to get. He wasn’t going to accept the death and moved on. No. Jack wanted to uncover the truth. Those silly fools at the Police Station may have considered it suicide but Jack knew better. Some one out there had committed murder and he intended to bring justice straight to them…
*


I've written more but I'll share the first part with you.

Any opinions/suggestions? Is it an improvement from the last one (i hope it is)?

It is a definite improvement yes. However, there's still room for more if you want someone like myself running their sub-editor's head over it

Spelling. You might use the word hunny but most English speaking/reading people would expect it to be spelt honey, same as the runny stuff bees make. Using 'internet' speak in a novel, unless it's going to be about online adventures, is probably going to confuse your audience.

Again, as has been mentioned. Who is the narrator of the story? Is it someone looking down and watching Jack and describing what has happening/is going to happen to him, or is it going to be Jack himself?
At the moment the narrative is flicking between what the reader would expect to see from a third person telling the story and then what they would expect if it was Jack himself.

How I'd have done it.

"Be safe honey," the man on the bench whispered, as his arm reached up into the sky, hand outstretched.

Jack’s life had become dull and uninspired after the death of his wife Melody. The wonderful times he had shared with her, since they first met some nine years ago, had been forced out of him and were now replaced with misery, mournfulness and a morbid mistrust of everything and everyone.

Melody had died unexpectedly of a paracetamol overdose, but Jack didn't share this official conclusion. Nothing in their life had been bad. The house they shared was big and spacious and they were considerably wealthy, thanks to Jack’s pension from the police. They'd also had a great deal of love for each other and, without being too wrong, most observers would have said they were a very happy middle-aged couple.

Jack had been questioning why Melody had felt the need to take her own life from the moment the news was given to him, causing him to break down in tears. Those tears still remained, every night and every morning. Living with the pain of having to wake up on his own, after nine years of comfort and love, was a taking a heavy toll on Jack.

Jack spoke to her regularly, pretending to embrace her as his arms circled the air in front of him. Melody was with him spiritually. It was the best he was going to get.

He wasn’t going to accept the death and move on. Jack wanted to uncover the truth. He believed he knew better than those fools at the police station. They might have considered it suicide but, as far as he was concerned, some one out there had committed murder.

Now Jack intended to bring justice straight to them . . .

Anyways, style is personal. What floats one person's boat won't float someone else's but most book editors do expect the same general level of grammar and sentence construction so check and double check each time to make sure you have tenses correct and are keeping the narrative straight.

I would also agree with whoever said about trying to write short stories first. They are harder to do because you need to keep them tight and they are good practice for developing a style.
There's nothing wrong with using plenty of 'describing' words, just so long as you're not putting one in just for the hell of it. Make sure the adjectives you use are adding to the visual you're trying to create, not just making it into one.

 

[zantera]

I quite liked it tbh, it would get you a high grade in school thats for sure, but school and writing a novel people will pay to read are two different things.

 

[Bugz]

I quite liked it tbh, it would get you a high grade in school thats for sure, but school and writing a novel people will pay to read are two different things.

Aye. Very true.

The cross-over from school writing to novel writing is very hard and I'm having trouble grasping it :x

 

[noblok]

Aye. Very true.

The cross-over from school writing to novel writing is very hard and I'm having trouble grasping it :x

Read more then . The Chekhov suggestion was an excellent one, go to your nearest library and borrow some of his short stories. As a general comment on descriptive style: it's a fine style, but it requires some thought put into it. A simple 'red as blood' (e.g.) won't do it, think of a less common comparison. It's also a very good idea to have a synonym-dictionary around.