Untitled beginning to a novel:

[Bugz]

A recent novel I am working on. Thoughts and opinions? And most importantly, does this opening scene make you want to read on (should there be more to read).


September’s usually always start well, a cool, yet modest breeze, a hazy sunshine that battles with the clouds for dominance over the sky and the refreshing brush of auburn and puce leaves against the fertile ground. Yet, this one started differently. The harsh, pounding of raindrops took full control of the sky as thunderous outbursts make their mark over the countryside, the result of the hot August weather coming into abrupt conflict with the chilled September winds. The only admiration for such depressing weather was the trees, as they danced and reached upwards, into the sky, hoping to catch the water droplets they had been deprived of, for months before. The grass ruffled helplessly back and forth, as the evil cooing of the gusts fought dangerously with the inhabitants of the park. Even the birds, small and tuff, found refuge from the unusual weather. You wouldn’t be far wrong to say the park as a whole was entirely deserted, all except one man…

He sat in the middle of the park, upon a brown, almost rusty bench, the rain gushing down on him furiously, trying to move him from the park. But he was motionless as he sat, the rain drizzling down him and splashing onto the wet concrete below. From a long distance, his precise looks were hard to define; he was nothing more than a black figure sat within the depression of autumn. However, as you got closer, you became more apparent of his features. His face was hidden slightly from the world around him, his black over garment was baggy and tough, rising just above his chin and casting a deep, dark shadow on his face. He looked to be middle-aged man, his stance and choice of clothing suggesting this. Dressed in smart brown shoes, shined to perfection, and black trousers accompanied with his black coat, he held a smart appearance, something that defiantly did not suit his place of desire, the park. He had a slightly bulky frame, possibly a combination of fat and muscle, suggesting an active and nutritious life. His hair wasn’t entirely visible due to the hat he was wearing, silk woven, expensive looking, but the strands that fell from his forehead were brown and sleek. As the rain began to stop its offensive, the man edged his head up slightly, the shadow disappearing from his face, scared of the open air. Tears cascaded down his cheeks as his eyes stared out into the wilderness. Brown, yet dull, they showed misery, despair and sorrow. The emotions certainly didn’t fit the face that was for sure. He was elegantly handsome, even for a middle-aged man, his nose and cheekbones being close to perfection, with no impurities or flaws visible. His lips were small and quaint, showing a man’s loss of words. You could be quite accurate in saying he had that look of suicide, where a man has nothing left to appreciate and begins to question the motives of life. Fortunately for him, the rain had eventually come to a halt and the sun found it way through the overcrowding clouds, beginning to start it’s clean up of the vibrant and unexpected September downpour. Slowly, the man lifted himself and stared up into the sky, at the heavens looking down on him.

‘Be safe hunny,’ he whispered, as his arm reached up into the sky, hand outstretched. He yearned for the opportunity to grab her, yet he know he couldn’t…

 

[WiiWii]

You get the point across that the man has lost his wife (or could be gf or even daughter). And you did make me see the scenery. Only problem I have is all the commas you use, you write like a lawyer It might be your style but some sentences where a bit hard to read...
example: "His face was hidden slightly from the world around him, his black over garment was baggy and tough, rising just above his chin and casting a deep, dark shadow on his face." But maybe that is how it should be written

anyways well done and give the rest now!

 

[Bugz]

You get the point across that the man has lost his wife (or could be gf or even daughter). And you did make me see the scenery. Only problem I have is all the commas you use, you write like a lawyer It might be your style but some sentences where a bit hard to read...
example: "His face was hidden slightly from the world around him, his black over garment was baggy and tough, rising just above his chin and casting a deep, dark shadow on his face." But maybe that is how it should be written

anyways well done and give the rest now!

True point regarding the commas.

I have no idea how novels are written because I hate to read. Guess I better polish off a book and begin reading.

 

[WiiWii]

True point regarding the commas.

I have no idea how novels are written because I hate to read. Guess I better polish off a book and begin reading.

In you other thread i posted a link for a book that Stephen King wrote about writing. If you can buy/borrow it and read through it. I think it will inspire you and it has exercises etc. that will get you starting

And read read read! I think everybody that starts to write begin by copying their favourite authors. Think it takes a while to grow into your own style of writing

but finish the novel, so ppl (smarter then me) can read it and show what you are doing well and not so well.

 

[Mey]

The idea's alright, but its over-descriptive. It gets boring to quickly. Trying re-wording a few of your sentences and changing words to suite.

 

[Adlatus Hellbringer]

As mey said its overdescriptive. your opening sentance has a descriptive word for everyhting... i.e. a cool, yet modest breeze, a hazy sunshine that battles with the clouds for dominance over the sky and the refreshing brush of auburn and puce leaves against the fertile ground.

The sentance is too long tbh and way too descriptive... go over your work again and cut out some of this and it should be ok.

Edit: 'almost rusty bench' How can somthing be almost rusty? its either rusty or not? right? take out the almost and it makes the sentance better... remember simplicity and a great story line is the key get some good plots going between different factions/characters if u want some more complexity, but dont overcomplicate the wording in the sentances!

 

[old.Tohtori]

You want HONEST honest opinions and critique, or minor version of such a thing?

 

[Bugz]

You want HONEST honest opinions and critique, or minor version of such a thing?

I don't care if you give your honest opinion - it helps me to improve.

As for the discription, I will be editing that quite a bit tomorrow. Am too tired for the moment.

 

[Raven]

it felt as if you were trying a little too hard, though pretty good for a first effort.

 

[Ziro]

I have no idea how novels are written because I hate to read. Guess I better polish off a book and begin reading.

Lol, Bugz

Should there be more to read you ask. Yes ofc, it's a novel no?

It's not bad I think, but very hard to judge such a small portion of something planned to be a novel. One of the best books I've ever read didn't pick up till about page 200 (Anne Rices Witching Hour)

You set the scene pretty well, I'm there in the empty autumn park with this man and his misery.

One thing. Whos is the narrator? If your narrator is 3rd person it should remain neutral (unless speaking on behalf of the man or others) and not describe the month as starting well or the weather as depressing as it does in the first paragraph.

Some other things:

The rain trying to remove him from the park sounds like it has a will of it's own. ("as if trying" or similar could work better)

Staring into the wilderness sounds to me like he's not in a park but in the African Savanna or something But then English is not my native language.

That look of suicide - your description of his sadness works pretty well, but implying the reader knows the look of suicide is a tad too dramatic.

Good luck mate, do post some more.

Z.

 

[eggy]

To put it bluntly, and I'm not "flaming" you here; I got bored after the first sentance.

You're trying so hard to put in descriptive words that you're completely losing the reader - it's almost as if the words in between the adjectives are only there to fill in the gaps.

Additionally, you really need to improve your grammar and punctuation. You also change tenses constantly; this reads very poorly.

 

[Bugz]

Revamped a bit of it and I think i sorted most of the tense mixups. Thanks for pointing that out Eggy.

I won't be asking feedback for every section, this is just to help me dictate my writing for the rest of the novel.

Any further improvements visible?



September’s usually always start well, a modest breeze, a hazy sunshine that battles with the clouds for dominance over the sky and the refreshing brush of auburn and puce leave against the ground. Yet, this one started differently. The harsh, pounding of raindrops took full control of the sky as thunderous outbursts made their mark over the countryside, the result of the hot August weather coming into abrupt conflict with the chilled September winds. The only admiration for such depressing weather was the trees, as they danced and reached upwards, into the sky, hoping to catch the water droplets they had been deprived of, for months before. The grass ruffled helplessly back and forth, as the evil cooing of the gusts fought dangerously with the park’s inhabitants. Even the birds found refuge from this unusual weather. You wouldn’t be far wrong to say the park as a whole was entirely deserted. All except one man…

He sat in the middle of the park, upon a brown bench, the rain gushing down on him furiously; as if trying to move him from his position. But he was not moving, allowing the rain to drizzle down him and splash onto the wet concrete below. From a long distance, his precise looks were hard to define; he was nothing more than a black figure sat within the depression of autumn. However, upon getting closer, you became more apparent of his features. His face was hidden slightly from the world around him. The black over garment he wore was baggy and tough, rising just above his chin and casting a deep, dark shadow on his face. He looked to be middle-aged, his stance and choice of clothing suggesting this. Dressed in smart brown shoes, shined to perfection, and black trousers accompanied with a black coat, he held a smart appearance, something that defiantly did not suit his location.. He had a slightly bulky frame, a combination of fat and muscle, suggesting an active and nutritious life. His hair wasn’t entirely visible due to the hat he was wearing, silk woven and expensive looking, but the strands that fell from his forehead were brown and sleek. As the rain began to stop, the man edged his head up slightly, the shadow disappearing from his face as light rushed in. Tears cascaded down his cheeks as his eyes stared out into the tree-clustered forest in front of him. Brown and dull, they showed misery, despair and sorrow. He was elegantly handsome, even for a middle-aged man, his nose and cheekbones being close to perfection, with no impurities or flaws visible. His lips were small and quaint, quivering slightly. Fortunately for him, the rain had eventually come to a halt and the sun found it way through the overcrowding clouds, beginning to start it’s clean up of the unexpected September downpour. Slowly, the man lifted himself and stared up into the sky, at the heavens looking down on him.

‘Be safe hunny,’ he whispered, as his arm reached up into the sky, hand outstretched. He yearned for the opportunity to grab her, yet he know he couldn’t…

 

[eggy]

Gimme your email address and I'll send you the corrections I've made in Word with track changes on.

 

[Konah]

seem to recall some "rule" that u gotta grab the reader in the first sentance, and tbh, talking about the weather doesn't cut it

try find a really good opening line.

 

[Thorwyn]

I agree with Konah here. Actually.. thinking about it, the LAST two entence would make a pretty good starter. If you put it on top of the text, then - from there - make your way through the descriptions of the setting and then the man. Just a suggestion.

I might write a more detailed review later if I find the time.

 

[Alan]

seem to recall some "rule" that u gotta grab the reader in the first sentance, and tbh, talking about the weather doesn't cut it

try find a really good opening line.

Couldnt agree more

 

[Thorwyn]

Ok.. after another readthrough...

I think the main problem with this kind of intro is the fact that you´re describing things that don´t really require a description. Let me explain...

You´re using a quite orthodox structure of starting a novel, by building up a setting (time, place) and mood, describing the surroudings first, then move one step closer, describe the man, then let him do something. That´s ok if you want to start that way. However, many readers don´t like long introductions, they don´t want to get dragged along the scenery and learn all the things they need to know before they can start to follow the actual story. That´s why a lot of authors are starting right in the "action", then explain all the basics alongside, step by step. Your approach is different.

Now imagine you would skip the entire first paragraph and replace it with just some keywords: Park, September, Rain thunderstorm.
With those few words, you have already created an image of the scenery in the readers mind. This happens automatically. And I think that the image isn´t too far away from the image you created with the first paragraph. That´s not because your descriptions are poor or you´re unable to write. It´s simply because everybody knows more or less exactly what a park in a September rain looks like. There´s no need to describe what´s already present.
So instead of describing what´s already there, I´d rather expect the writer to add some new things to the existing picture. New elements, which add uniqueness and detail to the picture. So far, I`m having a rather "naked" or neutral image in mind and that needs some accentuation.
Maybe there´s a statue in the park and the rain is pouring down on the head of the statue, making him look like he´s sweating. Or the rain starts washing down the doveshit, creating white tracks on the statue. Or a litter bin that´s fallen over and the newspapers are soaking up the rain. That kind of stuff.. you get the idea. That´s something I expect from a story. I`m willing to follow you, but you´ve got to show me something new or drag my attention to something I haven´t thought of.

The second paragraph is pretty good in my opinion. You seem to favour a rather "descriptive" style. Would be interesting to see some parts of the story, where you have to increase the pace and let some stuff happen.

Hope that wasn´t too harsh? But then, you asked for feedback.

 

[Bugz]

Thanks for all the advice ^^

That idea about the last line becoming the start sounds good and i'll revamp that second paragraph a bit later.

Ta again

p.s no criticism is too hash

 

[Bugz]

How does this one read? I revamped the second and third paragraphs and removed some quite technical words and replaced them with more basic but also effective words. I still think I need to include a bit more tension in the second and third paragraphs. Any visible way to achieve this? And as for the beginning of the plot, yes it is regarding a man who has lost his wife


‘Be safe hunny,’ he whispered, as his arm reached up into the sky, hand outstretched. He yearned for the opportunity to grab her, yet he knew he couldn’t.

September’s usually always start well, a modest breeze, a hazy sunshine that sits lazily in the sky and the refreshing brush of auburn and puce leave against the ground. However, this one started differently. The harsh, pounding of raindrops rained down onto the fields as thunderous outbursts made their mark within the sky, the result of the hot August weather coming into abrupt conflict with the chilled September winds. The only admiration for such depressing weather was the trees, as they danced and reached upwards, hoping to catch the water they had been deprived of, for months before. The grass ruffled helplessly back and forth, as the evil cooing of the wind created fear and tension. Even the birds found refuge from this unusual weather. You wouldn’t be far wrong to say the park as a whole was entirely deserted. All except one man…

He sat in the middle of the park, on a brown bench, the rain gushing down on him furiously; as if trying to move him from his position. But he was not moving, allowing the rain to flow down him and splash onto the concrete below. From a long distance, his precise looks were hard to define; he was nothing more than a black figure sat within the depression of autumn. However, upon getting closer, you became more apparent of his features. The black over garment he wore was baggy and tough, rising just above his chin and casting a deep, dark shadow on his face. He looked to be middle-aged, his stance and choice of clothing suggesting this. Dressed in smart brown shoes and black trousers accompanied with a sleek black coat, he held a smart appearance. He had a slightly bulky frame, a combination of fat and muscle, suggesting an active and nutritious life. His hair wasn’t entirely visible due to the hat he was wearing, silk woven and expensive looking, but the strands that fell from his forehead were brown and fairly long. As the rain began to stop, the man edged his head up slightly, the shadow moving from his face. Tears cascaded down his cheeks as his eyes stared out into the housing in front of him. Brown and dull, they showed misery, despair and sorrow. He was however, elegantly handsome, even for a middle-aged man, his nose and cheekbones being close to perfection, with no impurities or flaws visible. His lips were small and quaint, quivering slightly. Fortunately for him, the rain had eventually come to a halt and the sun found it way through the overcrowding clouds, beginning to start it’s clean up of the unexpected September downpour.

 

[WiiWii]

In the second and third paragraph you have very little happening. Maybe you could throw in some of the things you want to happen in the story instead of just talking about scenery. 'Cuz if we wanted scenery we could watch a picture, tell me a story. Maybe something like a bird flying close to him startles him and that makes him lose his hat (and here you can describe the hat) and stuff like that.

 

[Adlatus Hellbringer]

you could still cut out some more descriptives tbh but other wise it reads well i like ur third attempt

 

[noblok]

‘Be safe hunny,’ he whispered, as his arm reached up into the sky, hand outstretched. He yearned for the opportunity to grab her, yet he knew he couldn’t.

September’s usually always start well, a modest breeze, a hazy sunshine that sits lazily in the sky and the refreshing brush of auburn and puce leave against the ground. However, this one started differently. The harsh, pounding of raindrops rained down onto the fields as thunderous outbursts made their mark within the sky, the result of the hot August weather coming into abrupt conflict with the chilled September winds. The only admiration for such depressing weather was the trees, as they danced and reached upwards, hoping to catch the water they had been deprived of, for months before. The grass ruffled helplessly back and forth, as the evil cooing of the wind created fear and tension. Even the birds found refuge from this unusual weather. You wouldn’t be far wrong to say the park as a whole was entirely deserted. All except one man…

He sat in the middle of the park, on a brown bench, the rain gushing down on him furiously; as if trying to move him from his position. But he was not moving, allowing the rain to flow down him and splash onto the concrete below. From a long distance, his precise looks were hard to define; he was nothing more than a black figure sat within the depression of autumn. However, upon getting closer, you became more apparent of his features. The black over garment he wore was baggy and tough, rising just above his chin and casting a deep, dark shadow on his face. He looked to be middle-aged, his stance and choice of clothing suggesting this. Dressed in smart brown shoes and black trousers accompanied with a sleek black coat, he held a smart appearance. He had a slightly bulky frame, a combination of fat and muscle, suggesting an active and nutritious life. His hair wasn’t entirely visible due to the hat he was wearing, silk woven and expensive looking, but the strands that fell from his forehead were brown and fairly long. As the rain began to stop, the man edged his head up slightly, the shadow moving from his face. Tears cascaded down his cheeks as his eyes stared out into the housing in front of him. Brown and dull, they showed misery, despair and sorrow. He was however, elegantly handsome, even for a middle-aged man, his nose and cheekbones being close to perfection, with no impurities or flaws visible. His lips were small and quaint, quivering slightly. Fortunately for him, the rain had eventually come to a halt and the sun found it way through the overcrowding clouds, beginning to start it’s clean up of the unexpected September downpour.

1. I'd write abruptly coming into conflict, rather than coming into abrupt conflict. After all, the conflict isn't that unexpected, but the timing is. (If that makes any sense)

2. 'September' doesn't add anything here.

3. Feels incomplete. Where did the birds find refuge? Or did you mean that they were seeking a refuge?

4. I don't like this construction at all. To add something a bit more constructive, here's my try. It's probably not that good though: He sat on a brown bench in the middle of the park. The rain gushed down on him furiously, as if trying to move him from his position, but he (find something to avoid he-him-him-he-him, maybe give him a name?) didn't flinch (to avoid using the verb 'move' twice in such a short time), allowing the rain to flow down him and splash onto the concrete below.

5. Cliché, find some less common adjectives.

6. What does perfection mean? It's different for everybody else. High cheekbones or lower, very pronounced ones or not overly-pronounced? What kind of nose?

7. You start of with saying that September is usually mild. This means that the downpour can't be typical for September, so a "September downpour" sounds odd.

 

[Bugz]

‘Be safe hunny,’ he whispered, as his arm reached up into the sky, hand outstretched. He yearned for the opportunity to grab her, yet he knew he couldn’t.

September’s usually always start well, a modest breeze, a hazy sunshine that sits lazily in the sky and the refreshing brush of auburn and puce leave against the ground. However, this one started differently. The harsh, pounding of raindrops rained down onto the fields as thunderous outbursts made their mark within the sky, the result of the hot August weather abruptly coming into conflict with the chilled winds. The only admiration for such depressing weather was the trees, as they danced and reached upwards, hoping to catch the water they had been deprived of, for months before. The grass ruffled helplessly back and forth, as the evil cooing of the wind created fear and tension. Even the birds found refuge from this unusual weather, climbing the branches of the trees, seeking clustered and secured areas. You wouldn’t be far wrong to say the park as a whole was entirely deserted. All except one man…

He sat on a brown bench, in the middle of the park, the rain gushing down furiously. It was as if it was trying to move him from his position. But he was not shifting, allowing the rain to flow down him and splash onto the concrete below. From a long distance, his precise looks were hard to define; nothing more than a black figure sat within the depression of autumn. However, upon getting closer, you became more apparent of his features. The black over garment he wore was baggy and tough, rising just above his chin and casting a deep, murky shadow on his face. He looked to be middle-aged, his stance and choice of clothing suggesting this. Dressed in smart brown shoes and black trousers accompanied with a sleek black coat, he held a smart appearance. He had a slightly bulky frame, a combination of fat and muscle, suggesting an active and nutritious life. His hair wasn’t entirely visible due to the hat he was wearing, silk woven and expensive looking, but the strands that fell from his forehead were brown and fairly long. As the rain began to stop, the man edged his head up slightly, the shadow moving from his face. Tears cascaded down his cheeks as his eyes stared out into the housing in front of him. Brown and dull, they showed misery, despair and sorrow. He was however, elegantly handsome, even for a middle-aged man, his face having no impurities or flaws visible. His lips were small and quaint, quivering slightly. Fortunately for him, the rain had eventually come to a halt and the sun found it way through the overcrowding clouds, beginning to start it’s clean up of the unexpected downpour.


This look ok for a final draft before I begin advancing?

 

[Thorwyn]

In my opinion: leave it as it is for now and just post the next section. I want to read some more about the actual plot.

 

[haarewin]

you've basically written the same thing 4 times, and each of those times i dont find myself wanting to read it. it's too descriptive. get rid of some adjectives. i've forced myself to read it - the grammatical errors annoy me and it feels like sometimes you are using the wrong words.
i think you need a bit more than this for an opening. this is about one page of a paperback. personally, if the first few pages dont get my attention i wont bother reading a book.
come back with a few pages in a word document for us to download or something, then i would print it read it and send back any changes highlighted.

think about who are you trying to sell this book to.

 

[Mikah75]

indeed, too much description is sickening, makes it look like you've just sat there with a thesaurus sticking a word in after 3.

 

[Bugz]

you've basically written the same thing 4 times, and each of those times i dont find myself wanting to read it. it's too descriptive. get rid of some adjectives. i've forced myself to read it - the grammatical errors annoy me and it feels like sometimes you are using the wrong words.
i think you need a bit more than this for an opening. this is about one page of a paperback. personally, if the first few pages dont get my attention i wont bother reading a book.
come back with a few pages in a word document for us to download or something, then i would print it read it and send back any changes highlighted.

think about who are you trying to sell this book to.

I guess so.

It's just incredibly hard for me to brake away from descriptive pieces since they are all i've ever written.

I'll have a slight development and get back to ya ^^

edit - the reason I started so descriptively was because the few books I have read start so and then build up a plot by the end fo the first couple of pages whilst passing hints around. this was the effect i was trying to achieve.

 

[noblok]

I'm tempted to call style on the descriptions, to be honest. Even though I prefer a shorter style as well, I didn't find it that descriptive that it becomes annoying. I suggest you write some more, as I find it pretty hard to judge style after only half a page.

If you're looking for some books who have a very short style I'd suggest The unbearable lightness of being (Milan Kundera), Character (Ferdinand Bordewijk) and Cheese (Willem Elssschot). The last two are Dutch, so they may be a bit hard to find, I'm pretty sure they've been translated though.

 

[old.Tohtori]

I'll try to explain in a little story i'll just write of the top of my lovely hat;

Not too good way:

The water dripped slowly from the ceiling, hitting the floor like small nuclear bombs. The bathroom of the gasstation hadn't been maintained in years, nothing was these days. A few pieces of toilet paper in the holders, some of the toilets overflowing some brown liquid that could only be described as putrid and obnoxious. He stood at the broken sink, leaning against it with one hand, blood dripping down from his palm and slowly against the floor after leaving a thin line on the porcelain. A part of a ripped shirt was wrapped around his hand, bloodstains making the nametag on it almost unreadable. "Jeff Majors, PhD" He looked in the mirror, his eyes looking empty and cold as the broken mirror he was staring at. His hand gripped tighter on the silver .45 desert eagle as his lips parted... "Go to hell...". His whole body turned and a ray of light reflected from the barrel of his gun as he turned it towards the dark figure standing in the doorway...well you get the point.

Now...other way:

Jeff Majors stood at the worn out bathroom of the gasstation, watching his busted up appearance in the mirror. Blood slowly dripped on the floor from his bandaged hand, the other hand gripping a gun tight. He narrowed his eyes as his lips parted.

"Go to hell..."

With that he turned, lifting the gun to eyelevel as he aimed it at the dark figure in the doorway.


Well..kinda like that...or..something..

EDIT: Fek...i like the first one

 

[pikeh]

you hate reading but are trying to write a novel? imo read some more then try again - you will pick up a lot of tips and tricks to writing. Read "Enduring Love" by Ian MacEwan for an example on how to start a novel -hailed as one of the best starts to a novel ever. Im no expert but i would certainly agree that your being too over-descriptive.


tohtori has a good start ; really sets the scene and you get immersed in the surroundings.