The Cyber Partner - Cheating or Not?

[maxi]

Excuses, bullshit about being unhappy in a relationship etc I think is all a crock of shit. Tbh I don't think there's really any reason for cheating - if you're unhappy with your current squeeze and want someone else, have the nuts/ovaries to tell the person you're with that you want out. After that, do what you want.

In other words, don't dangle the bogus carrot of love infront of someone's face while riding some other donkey. </modified peggism>

It isn't as simple as getting out, if you've been in a relationship for a whileand it's mutated into something bad, some people have all sorts of conflicting feelings... low self worth, fear of lonliness etc..once you're in a routine...even if you detest the person in it with you, it can be very difficult to realise and break. As such all sorts of things can happen, one being cheating. Perhaps Inability to deal with the reality of a situation that you haven't been in before.

I've slep with several girls with boyfriends, always always it's seemed OK to me, in retrospect it may not have been but it's not like i went out of my way to fuck people around. The girls made it plainly clear that their relationships were in tatters anyway, and that the blokes were being insensative and selfish bastards. It's not like i'd heard it all before, cos I hadn't...I trusted them. For some it was probably true(one b/f was a smackhead) for others it certainly was a selfish act on their part. I've never been in trouble for it, and I've never made a move on women in relationships....maybe because i was a randy fucker who they were able to talk to about their problems....
I suppose i'm trying to say it can be a bit complicated and confusing.
Yes. Anyway, internet cheating...never experienced it...

 

[nath]

Sure, but at the end of the day it's just a case of wanting to have your cake and eat it. There's varying degrees of it, and some betrayals are more significant than others but I can't see that the right thing to do would ever be blurred. It may be tough to do it, but if someone's unhappy in a current relationship and they see someone they feel that they'd like to persue something with I just think it's fucking bollocks that they'd explore that before being clear with the person they actually have a commitment to.

 

[SawTooTH]

If you feel guilty, then its cheating. If you dont, then you're a bastard.

 

[leggy]

If you feel guilty, then its cheating. If you dont, then you're a bastard.

And the Day was black while the Morning was white.

 

[SawTooTH]

Yeah, exactly.

 

[Nos]

I've slep with several girls with boyfriends.... (one b/f was a smackhead)

Maxi has full blown AIDS :--------'(

 

[Tilda]

Bodhi, it sounds to me, that she's aiming for dammage limitation.
Imagine you're her BF and you here that she pulled several people on friday, ok you'll be pissed off etc, possibly break up, but assuming you dont break up. If you then go round her house, or see her chatting on msn to some person(you), that is, imo, going to cause big problems.
If i were you i'd give her some space for a week or so, and then gradually start talking again.

Tilda

 

[Athan]

I'd view anything 'cyber' in the same way as irl stuff.

And I say this as a 14 year+ veteran of the internet, using various telnet chats, IRC, etc.

It's all about feelings. And even in a 'virtual' relationship the feelings are still there (perhaps more so in some cases as you don't have physical factors in the way).

-Ath, who'll now go and actually read the rest of the thread

 

[itcheh]

In the meantime I shall listen to a Wildhearts tune called "My Baby is a Headfuck". Seems pretty apt for this situation.

CLASS TUNE!

 

[old.user4556]

I'd view anything 'cyber' in the same way as irl stuff.

Huh.. I totally disagree.

Typing words, through a monitor in a chat related window is just.... meaningless words. For all you know, the person at the other end (like i said) could be a man posing as a woman and saying the things that you want to hear - does that mean you can potentially have feelings for a man? Of course not, it's not real at all - it's all a self indulgent fantasy until you actual engage them physically or at least have a phone call (because it then becomes non-cyber). Before you've even seen the person, you get an image in your head of what the other person looks/acts like and you begin to have feelings for your fantasy. If you meet the person and the feelings spill into real life, then it becomes the 'same as cyber'.

Sorry to be extreme, but what if you were talking to a 12 year old girl; if you had feelings (sexual or love) does that then make you a paedofile?

This is completely different than meeting a stranger in a pub, scoping them out, deciding that you're attracted to them enough to talk to them, talking to them and for them to find you attractive enough for you to bed them.

That couldn't be any different to cyber, it's raw face to face emotions and attraction as opposed to words appearing on the screen.

 

[Athan]

I'm not going to bother to argue the point, as it is, after all, a personal point of view and opinion. However, I would just say that anyone 'cybering' (in any form and to any degree) is showing willingness to be unfaithful if they are at the time otherwise in a relationship. In this respect it is no different to 'scoping out' people 'irl'.
Now, if you had an agreement with your current partner to be able to do that kind of thing, no problem. It's all about trust and honesty.

Suffice to say I'm more than aware of the dangers involved in trusting what is said over the net (and, no, not from having been personally 'burned' ).

-Ath

 

[itcheh]

To put it quite simply - if there's secrecy involved then there's a problem

 

[old.Tohtori]

Ahem.

Relationships are often...err...

F*ck it.

*puts on his wizard hat and robe*

I'll go hunt some manbabekidmidgetwhatnots on irc.


EDIT: I do have this to say, cyber might be cheating mentally, but the gf can crush your balls physically. Think about it.

 

[Pfy]

Ahem.

Relationships are often...err...

F*ck it.

*puts on his wizard hat and robe*

I'll go hunt some manbabekidmidgetwhatnots on irc.


EDIT: I do have this to say, cyber might be cheating mentally, but the gf can crush your balls physically. Think about it.

Depending on the severity of the texts/chats whatever I'd no doubt class it as cheating. Perhaps because I'm generally insecure? Who knows.

That said, if it happened and I didn't like what was being said I'd just tell he to get the fuck off the PC or see how she likes typing with stumps. (I.e, I'd ask her to stop it and give he the benefit of the doubt, maybe I'd cancel the Milkman and sack the Window Cleaner too ;>)

 

[maxi]

It may be tough to do it, but if someone's unhappy in a current relationship and they see someone they feel that they'd like to persue something with I just think it's fucking bollocks that they'd explore that before being clear with the person they actually have a commitment to.

if it was that simple then it would be easy.. none but the biggest bastards would ever cheat. It isn't that simple, not only that but even if it is pretty clear cut, it may not seem that way to the person involved, it's how people justify their selfish actions. It's very hard to rationalise something that is so often an irrational act.

Nos i was suited up man!

 

[nath]

I never suggested it was simple, but doing the right thing rarely is. However, all these excuses about it being complicated etc are exactly that (imo). Fucking around behind the back of your current squeeze is just out of order. Let people know where you stand before you move on, it's harder than the alternative but I guess it comes down to whether you give a fuck about anyone other than yourself or not.

 

[leggy]

I really wish my life was an black and white as that. Maybe then I wouldn't have anything to worry about.

 

[nath]

I'm not saying it's all black and white, but not being a **** to people is not that confusing a thing.

 

[Bodhi]

It isn't as simple as getting out, if you've been in a relationship for a whileand it's mutated into something bad, some people have all sorts of conflicting feelings... low self worth, fear of lonliness etc..once you're in a routine...even if you detest the person in it with you, it can be very difficult to realise and break. As such all sorts of things can happen, one being cheating. Perhaps Inability to deal with the reality of a situation that you haven't been in before.

I have seen all of this with the girl in question - it's her first ever relationship and she doesn't seem to be dealing with it too well.

 

[rynnor]

Not quite cyber but a friend of the wife has just broken up with her partner after she found he was sending 10+ texts a day to a woman he works with...

They have a 2 1/2 year old daughter as well

 

[maxi]

I'm not saying it's all black and white, but not being a **** to people is not that confusing a thing.

Thats what I'm trying to say. You don't think of it as being bad to someone, it's impossible to take a step back and be so objective about a situation. So people justify it, yes some people are ***** about it...but for a lot of people the thought of hurting their partner is not an issue.

 

[nath]

but for a lot of people the thought of hurting their partner is not an issue.

Maybe I'm reading you wrong, but to me that sounds like the makings of a grade a ****.

 

[old.user4556]

but for a lot of people the thought of hurting their partner is not an issue.

Woah, let's just clarify this:

A lot of people, the thought of hurting their own partner, or the thought of hurting the parter of the person you're trying to get into?

 

[maxi]

Woah, let's just clarify this:

A lot of people, the thought of hurting their own partner, or the thought of hurting the parter of the person you're trying to get into?

Sorry i wasn't clear there. For their own partner the possibilty of hurting them is dismissed, and justified or perhaps ignored because of the situation they are in...not just because they're insensitive and selfish...in the case of hurting the partner of the person you're chucking one up...again it's down to how things are, depends on how the relationship is portrayed to you. With both you can't generalise and say you should know the score...in some situations it would be unforgivable and selfish, in others not so... i dont think you can generalise with the idea that everything is thar clear cut at all. Like i say...even if to an observer it IS clear cut a simple case of being honest to oneself and others in order to avoid humiliation and pain in the long run to the person involved it may not seem that way.


in my opinion of course.

 

[maxi]

Maybe I'm reading you wrong, but to me that sounds like the makings of a grade a ****.

I don't know anyone who's been in relationships with others that can say they haven't been totally fucked up by them at one point. I repeat you can't rationlise with shit like this. Good people do bad things. cliche cliche etc,

 

[leggy]

I don't know anyone who's been in relationships with others that can say they haven't been totally fucked up by them at one point. I repeat you can't rationlise with shit like this. Good people do bad things. cliche cliche etc,

So utterly true. Myself included. I'm not a bad person, despite what you all may think, but I have made my fair share of relationship related mistakes.

 

[Sar]

It's cheating.

Ditto that Yuck.

 

[Scouse]

Ditto that Yuck.

Ditto here.

Not trying to be high and mighty but it sounds like maxi and leggy have some sort of subconscious mental justification thing going on here.

 

[leggy]

Ditto here.

Not trying to be high and mighty but it sounds like maxi and leggy have some sort of subconscious mental justification thing going on here.

Not really. I just live in the real world. And being of rational mind I realise that life is made up of shades of grey. Nothing is EVER as clear cut as cheating or not cheating.

 

[Tom]

I was looking at pictures of kittens the other day. Am I cheating on my cats?