The complete military history of France!

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SilverHood

Guest
-- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.


-- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."


-- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.


-- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.


-- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.


-- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.


-- The Dutch War - Tied.


-- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
French military power.


-- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every
since.


-- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."


-- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.


-- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
for a British footwear designer.


-- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.


-- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what
it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call
her"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.


-- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.


-- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.


-- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.


-- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a
McDonald's.


Classic Quote:
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld


And to top if off:

6094.jpg
 
T

Teh Krypt

Guest
A certain French teacher will have this on her desk after half term. :D
 
C

cHodAX

Guest
All very true and now France shows it has no principles at all by trying to help keep Saddam in power and further oppress the poor bloody Iraqi people. Sure George W. Bush is a complete cock who is out for blood but the end result is that the Iraqi people will be free for the first time in almost 25 years. Now France isn't interested in that, they will happily do business with him even when they know he is trying to develop nukes. Oh and 25% of the electorate voted for a facist party, nuff said :rolleyes:
 
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old.Xarr

Guest
overwhelming evidence.. france surrenders (to all you farkers out there).
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
Funneh google shot..even if fake.

Other then that..not too funny..

And to ChoDax(or how the fuck those letters go)..go spew that propaganda crap elsewhere...
 
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cHodAX

Guest
Originally posted by old.Tohtori
Funneh google shot..even if fake.

Other then that..not too funny..

And to ChoDax(or how the fuck those letters go)..go spew that propaganda crap elsewhere...

Too fucking thick to read up and see how those letters are arranged? Oh and this is an off topic forum numbnuts so I will spew forth what ever I like, if you can't take another persons opinion then thats your problem not mine bud. I notice you didn't defend France, why? I will tell you why, it is because there is no defence for thier attitude towards Saddam and the terrorist states in general.
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
Too fucking thick to read up and see how those letters are arranged?

(Too fucking bored of even wanting to type your 31337 name correctly.)

Oh and this is an off topic forum numbnuts so I will spew forth what ever I like, if you can't take another persons opinion then thats your problem not mine bud.

(This is the off topic forum wanker and i will say whatever i like as well. So piss off with your anti-french attitude and go lick some delicious american boothey. Should be easy since you allready seem to have your nose in deep enough. Take flames and retaliate but don't get some fucking Holier then Thou attitude.)

I notice you didn't defend France, why?

(Because it's france. You honestly think anyone cares about france? No. Only thing in france that we care about is wine, GOA and women.)

I will tell you why, it is because there is no defence for thier attitude towards Saddam and the terrorist states in general.

(Yei to Saddam. Atleast somebody dares to tell fuck off to the United States of Worldpolice.)
 
C

cHodAX

Guest
Originally posted by old.Tohtori
blah blah blah.... says alot of bad words but actually makes no point

Did I criticise the French people? No I criticised the spineless leaders you people had seen fit to give power over the last century. The whole French attitude towards the English speaking world sucks, get over yourself already and take a real look at the world. France stands idly by whislt innocents get slaughtered all over the world, everytime the U.N. or anyone else wants to act you country uses its veto because it needs to do something to make it feel powerful instead of the laughing stock that the rest of the world sees you as.

Oh and the name has nothing to do with being l33t as you put it, I have used this name for over a decade which was long before the l33t d00ds playing FPS took over the world.
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
You really should read something i write there. Not just look "oh he said something..blah blah...i'll reply with something."

Look at my post now, and i quote myself:

(Because it's france. You honestly think anyone cares about france? No. Only thing in france that we care about is wine, GOA and women.)


I didn't say anything pro-french myself.

And where the HELL did you get the idea that i'm french? Atleast you seem to think so:

"leaders you people had seen fit "

Not you, french people. Haven't seen any french on this thread.

I was against your anti-war rants because this isn't an anti-war thread. You want to whine about france or the war, make a thread and name it "cHodAX speaks the truth of many things" or whatever the hell you like to call it.

Get it this time numbskull?
 
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SilverHood

Guest
jesus, why do all attemps at humor regarding the real world end up in Iraq flames? Happend to the bush specch. All we need now is Kyra and sicko coming in here, giving us their patriotic views
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
Silver i actually was trying to make that point... well..in a different style but, ah well. :p
 
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cHodAX

Guest
You can't make a political post and expect people not to make political remarks. In 'my' opinion the French government is self serving and has no principles, all I have done is express 'my' view. Oh and you started the flaming Tohtori, not me. You don't like my opinion and thats fine but when you attack me don't expect me not to respond. I wasn't making a pro-war speech, it was my way of making a point about the world being in the state it is now because of weak leaders such as the French government.
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
Originally posted by old.cHodAX
You can't make a political post and expect people not to make political remarks. In 'my' opinion the French government is self serving and has no principles, all I have done is express 'my' view. Oh and you started the flaming Tohtori, not me. You don't like my opinion and thats fine but when you attack me don't expect me not to respond. I wasn't making a pro-war speech, it was my way of making a point about the world being in the state it is now because of weak leaders such as the French government.

Silver made a joke. Not a political statement.

I started the flame, never said anything to deny that.

Never said you made a pro-war statement, i said you made an anti-war statement.

Get it straight...
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
Originally posted by Euthanasia.
Hush.
Your both nerds now shutup!

We did. Don't make me flame you with silly things. I really don't want to. Really.

Ok..just a bit..just to make you happy.

Go elsewhere to play a mommy.

Happy now? :D
 
E

Euthanasia.

Guest
If you look very carefully you'll notice I was just (and still am)
boosting my post count.
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
Yes ofcourse but i'm just trying to help. Afterall, doubleposting is something we don't want to do and you need two to..tango?
 
Z

Zill

Guest
Nice post Silverhood, loved the google search screenie. :clap:
 
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old.0xygen

Guest
OLD!!.........


Well saw it like 2 months ago so its not really old.



Poor frenchies :p
 
R

rynnor

Guest
Hmm - Silver - this is a repost from the SWG forums - thread started on 15/02/03 titled So which server did the europeans etc. etc.

Still at least you came up with the google bit :)
 
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SilverHood

Guest
I dont read SWG forums

saw the screenie and typed it in google.

Got the list from the 2nd link
 
M

minstrel_kyra

Guest
OMG that is so very funny!!

Hmm someone mentioned me so I just HAD to pop in. ;)

But guess what, I'm not gonna make my usual comment about this thread. NOPE. I've learned my lesson. I just hope that this current conflict is resolved.





p.s. thx chodax for your comments, even if not popular with most. :)
 
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old.Dillinja

Guest
Originally posted by old.Tohtori

(Yei to Saddam. Atleast somebody dares to tell fuck off to the United States of Worldpolice.)

I agree with you, but Saddam is still an evil bastard.
 
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old.Xarr

Guest
france will always be haunted by their rather scruffy reputation when it comes to surrendering in warfare.

poor bastards :)
 
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old.job

Guest
The French are a bit hopeless sometimes, but they do have a different outlook to us lot, the Gallic shrug say's it all

'Ah vell sheeet hapons'

Maybe being anti-war and not very good at fighting isn't such a bad thing.
If everyone was French, we'd never get a proper war going, would that be so bad?
The French don't like is Brits on the whole, but I like them, they have so much more style/imagination and a real philisophical approach to life.

And NO-ONE can call them puppy dogs to the States.
 

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