S
SilverHood
Guest
-- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.
-- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
-- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
-- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
-- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
-- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
-- The Dutch War - Tied.
-- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
French military power.
-- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every
since.
-- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."
-- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
-- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
for a British footwear designer.
-- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
-- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what
it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call
her"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
-- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
-- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.
-- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.
-- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a
McDonald's.
Classic Quote:
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld
And to top if off:
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.
-- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
-- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
-- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
-- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
-- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
-- The Dutch War - Tied.
-- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
French military power.
-- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every
since.
-- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."
-- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
-- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
for a British footwear designer.
-- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
-- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what
it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call
her"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
-- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
-- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.
-- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.
-- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a
McDonald's.
Classic Quote:
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld
And to top if off:
