C
Cap'n Sissyfoo
Guest
T’was the night before Xmas and there wasn’t a sound
I was chilling at home, just lying around.
The house was empty, I was completely alone
I had locked all the doors and dismantled my phone.
With a contented sigh I popped open a beer
Of unwanted intrusions I had no need to fear!
All of a sudden there was a bang and a flash
My bedside lamp fell to the floor with a crash!
In the middle of my room there was a man on a Harley!
A grim looking spectre who called himself Marley.
He looked at me with his dark piercing glare
And I pinched myself to make sure this wasn’t a nightmare.
“Ebenezer Sissyfoo!” he moaned, “your time is at hand!”
“Ah bollocks,” I thought, “This is just grand!”
A peaceful night alone was all I had desired
Although his spectacular entrance had to be admired.
What did he want? Why was he here?
I took a sip from my bottle to shake off my fear!
I sat there in silence because my knees felt weak
But finally he opened his mouth and began to speak.
“Your actions tonight will decide your fate”
“Will you embrace love or continue to hate?”
What the fuck? Was this another intervention?
My blood began to boil and I stopped paying attention.
“Get the fuck outta my house!” I yelled at the spectre!
The ghost recoiled like I was Hannibal Lecter.
“Hey! What gives, mon? You should be scared totally shitless!”
“All my other victims were left shaken and witless!”
“Well, Bob,” I said with a barely concealed sneer.
“You don’t exactly inspire in me a sense of foreboding and fear!”
“What with your dreads and that phat looking reefer”
“You look more like a stoner than a bad ass grim reaper!”
Bob sighed, lit up his spliff and took a big toke
And I drank my beer patiently until he finally spoke.
“I’m gonna be blunt with you, mon…I mean, Sissyfoo!”
“I have come with a message to give unto you!”
“You are a mean-tempered bastard with no Xmas spirit”
“And to your cruelty there is apparently no limit!”
“Tonight you will be visited by 3 more Xmas phantoms”
“And I really hope that you won’t throw anymore tantrums!”
I glared at him angrily and he continued sharpish.
“Don’t tell anyone you weren’t scared or my rep will be tarnished!”
And with that word he vanished from sight
I rolled my eyes, this was gonna be a long night.
I looked at my watch, it was quarter to one
I went to my closet and got out my shotgun.
This ain’t no Dicken’s tale! I’ll give ‘em what for!
If they try anything funny I’ll kick their ass to the floor!
Suddenly the room began to fill up with smoke.
I sat in my chair and tried not to choke.
As the smoke cleared a figure appeared
And I took off my glasses to make sure they weren’t smeared.
Standing in front of me was a man of great size
I have to admit I was completely surprised.
By the size of his muscles I could easily tell
That my shotgun would only make him angry as hell!
This giant couldn’t be threatened or bribed
This was looking bad so some more beer I imbibed.
“Ho ho ho! Nice to meet you!” he said with a smile on his face.
“Shut the fuck up,” I replied, “and get to the chase!”
“There’s no need to take that tone with me, small man”
“If you play nice I’ll make this as fast as I can!”
“I have no desire to spend all night with you”
“And I suspect that you feel the same as I do.”
“I am the Ghost of Xmas Past and I have come to show you”
“The meaning of this holy night so listen up, Sissyfoo!”
“I’m gonna show you scenes from Xmases past!”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine, fine…just make it fast!”
“I’ve spent all day listening to morons like you”
“So if you don’t hurry up then this day you will rue!”
“Ho ho ho!” the ghost said, “You’re so cute when you’re mad!”
“But this experience you’ll like. Trust me, you’ll be glad!”
“First I’ll take you back to the year you were born!”
There was a sudden ‘whoosh’ and a smell like burnt corn.
The next thing I know its 1979
He asked how I felt, I said I felt fine!
I looked around and saw plenty of Xmas decoration
“Oh gee golly gosh! It’s a freakin’ revelation!”
“Heavens to betsy, I think I am cured!”
“Now send me back home, you oversized turd!”
The gigantic spectre sighed and then grunted
And with another ‘whoosh’, through time I was shunted
Back to the year of 1795
“What are we doing here?” I asked as we arrived.
“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked with a wink.
“Duh! Of course not. What did you think?”
“I brought you here to show you a sight”
“Which to even the coldest heart would bring joy and delight!”
“Well it didn’t work, bitch, so take me home this minute!”
“My temper has gone past all of its safety limits!”
The phantom sighed, “I give up! You suck!”
“Perhaps the next ghost will have some more luck!”
With yet another whoosh I was safely back home
But I’m afraid that this isn’t the end of my poem!
I grabbed another beer and sat down to wait
For the next of the ghosts that I had come to hate.
It wasn’t long before the room filled up with a cloud
“Do you know who I am?” said a voice out aloud.
“Gee, let me think…another lame ghost?”
“Take one more step and you’re gonna be toast!”
I aimed my shotgun at the figure emerging.
“Shoot it, shoot it!” My conscience was urging!
For some unknown reason I decided to wait
But then my gun flew out of my hands…Dammit, too late!
The smoke finally cleared…oh my god, she’s a babe!
“Hi, I’m Xmas Present…but you can call me Dave!”
What in the hell? Is this some kind of trick?
Then I saw ‘her Adam’s apple’ and I began to feel sick!
In order to ‘cure’ me they had sent me a trannie
I tried to clear my thoughts and think of my grannie.
Anything to stop me looking at this ‘girl’
The very thought of which made me want to hurl.
“Show me what you will but please make it fast.”
“My stomach is churning…I don’t think it’ll last!”
“Aren’t you a darling?” she said with a grin
“I can’t believe you heart could be so full of sin!”
Suddenly she punched me right across the room.
She had caught me off guard but now she had sealed her doom.
“Ow! Why did you hit me, you stupid retard?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she replied, ”did I hit you too hard?”
“Yea, but don’t worry about it, bitch…PREPARE TO DIE!”
I lunged at her with my knife screaming “BANZAIIII!”
With lightening speed she grabbed at my wrist
And then she gave it an almighty twist.
She threw me to the ground and asked if I was done.
So far this night hadn’t been much fun.
I nodded my head slowly and then she whisked me away
And we appeared in a packed club with a cheesy DJ.
I was chilling at home, just lying around.
The house was empty, I was completely alone
I had locked all the doors and dismantled my phone.
With a contented sigh I popped open a beer
Of unwanted intrusions I had no need to fear!
All of a sudden there was a bang and a flash
My bedside lamp fell to the floor with a crash!
In the middle of my room there was a man on a Harley!
A grim looking spectre who called himself Marley.
He looked at me with his dark piercing glare
And I pinched myself to make sure this wasn’t a nightmare.
“Ebenezer Sissyfoo!” he moaned, “your time is at hand!”
“Ah bollocks,” I thought, “This is just grand!”
A peaceful night alone was all I had desired
Although his spectacular entrance had to be admired.
What did he want? Why was he here?
I took a sip from my bottle to shake off my fear!
I sat there in silence because my knees felt weak
But finally he opened his mouth and began to speak.
“Your actions tonight will decide your fate”
“Will you embrace love or continue to hate?”
What the fuck? Was this another intervention?
My blood began to boil and I stopped paying attention.
“Get the fuck outta my house!” I yelled at the spectre!
The ghost recoiled like I was Hannibal Lecter.
“Hey! What gives, mon? You should be scared totally shitless!”
“All my other victims were left shaken and witless!”
“Well, Bob,” I said with a barely concealed sneer.
“You don’t exactly inspire in me a sense of foreboding and fear!”
“What with your dreads and that phat looking reefer”
“You look more like a stoner than a bad ass grim reaper!”
Bob sighed, lit up his spliff and took a big toke
And I drank my beer patiently until he finally spoke.
“I’m gonna be blunt with you, mon…I mean, Sissyfoo!”
“I have come with a message to give unto you!”
“You are a mean-tempered bastard with no Xmas spirit”
“And to your cruelty there is apparently no limit!”
“Tonight you will be visited by 3 more Xmas phantoms”
“And I really hope that you won’t throw anymore tantrums!”
I glared at him angrily and he continued sharpish.
“Don’t tell anyone you weren’t scared or my rep will be tarnished!”
And with that word he vanished from sight
I rolled my eyes, this was gonna be a long night.
I looked at my watch, it was quarter to one
I went to my closet and got out my shotgun.
This ain’t no Dicken’s tale! I’ll give ‘em what for!
If they try anything funny I’ll kick their ass to the floor!
Suddenly the room began to fill up with smoke.
I sat in my chair and tried not to choke.
As the smoke cleared a figure appeared
And I took off my glasses to make sure they weren’t smeared.
Standing in front of me was a man of great size
I have to admit I was completely surprised.
By the size of his muscles I could easily tell
That my shotgun would only make him angry as hell!
This giant couldn’t be threatened or bribed
This was looking bad so some more beer I imbibed.
“Ho ho ho! Nice to meet you!” he said with a smile on his face.
“Shut the fuck up,” I replied, “and get to the chase!”
“There’s no need to take that tone with me, small man”
“If you play nice I’ll make this as fast as I can!”
“I have no desire to spend all night with you”
“And I suspect that you feel the same as I do.”
“I am the Ghost of Xmas Past and I have come to show you”
“The meaning of this holy night so listen up, Sissyfoo!”
“I’m gonna show you scenes from Xmases past!”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine, fine…just make it fast!”
“I’ve spent all day listening to morons like you”
“So if you don’t hurry up then this day you will rue!”
“Ho ho ho!” the ghost said, “You’re so cute when you’re mad!”
“But this experience you’ll like. Trust me, you’ll be glad!”
“First I’ll take you back to the year you were born!”
There was a sudden ‘whoosh’ and a smell like burnt corn.
The next thing I know its 1979
He asked how I felt, I said I felt fine!
I looked around and saw plenty of Xmas decoration
“Oh gee golly gosh! It’s a freakin’ revelation!”
“Heavens to betsy, I think I am cured!”
“Now send me back home, you oversized turd!”
The gigantic spectre sighed and then grunted
And with another ‘whoosh’, through time I was shunted
Back to the year of 1795
“What are we doing here?” I asked as we arrived.
“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked with a wink.
“Duh! Of course not. What did you think?”
“I brought you here to show you a sight”
“Which to even the coldest heart would bring joy and delight!”
“Well it didn’t work, bitch, so take me home this minute!”
“My temper has gone past all of its safety limits!”
The phantom sighed, “I give up! You suck!”
“Perhaps the next ghost will have some more luck!”
With yet another whoosh I was safely back home
But I’m afraid that this isn’t the end of my poem!
I grabbed another beer and sat down to wait
For the next of the ghosts that I had come to hate.
It wasn’t long before the room filled up with a cloud
“Do you know who I am?” said a voice out aloud.
“Gee, let me think…another lame ghost?”
“Take one more step and you’re gonna be toast!”
I aimed my shotgun at the figure emerging.
“Shoot it, shoot it!” My conscience was urging!
For some unknown reason I decided to wait
But then my gun flew out of my hands…Dammit, too late!
The smoke finally cleared…oh my god, she’s a babe!
“Hi, I’m Xmas Present…but you can call me Dave!”
What in the hell? Is this some kind of trick?
Then I saw ‘her Adam’s apple’ and I began to feel sick!
In order to ‘cure’ me they had sent me a trannie
I tried to clear my thoughts and think of my grannie.
Anything to stop me looking at this ‘girl’
The very thought of which made me want to hurl.
“Show me what you will but please make it fast.”
“My stomach is churning…I don’t think it’ll last!”
“Aren’t you a darling?” she said with a grin
“I can’t believe you heart could be so full of sin!”
Suddenly she punched me right across the room.
She had caught me off guard but now she had sealed her doom.
“Ow! Why did you hit me, you stupid retard?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she replied, ”did I hit you too hard?”
“Yea, but don’t worry about it, bitch…PREPARE TO DIE!”
I lunged at her with my knife screaming “BANZAIIII!”
With lightening speed she grabbed at my wrist
And then she gave it an almighty twist.
She threw me to the ground and asked if I was done.
So far this night hadn’t been much fun.
I nodded my head slowly and then she whisked me away
And we appeared in a packed club with a cheesy DJ.
