singletons and the dynamics therein

[Ezteq]

OK so how do we do this, I mean the being single I have just about got the hang of (had a rant and rave and mighty swear while hoovering earlier...but other than that) but I think at some stage I might actually want to try meeting someone again and I simply cannot get my head round that.

I mean jeese how the hell do you know 1) if someone likes you, 2) who to trust and to what degree; and tbh how in the name of yoda do you actually meet people??

I mean I have watched more than my fair share of rom-coms but am beginning to suspect that they are all fictional but there is a problem, the people in those movies are all beautiful/handsome or both Oo what the flip do you do if your just regular or kind of just a bit regular but mostly odd looking, I mean how to you kind of get it out there that 'hay I'm actually not a bad person, don't judge me by the way I look, come speak to me you might like me!!!' with just your external appearance??

And then once you do, if you ever do (OK, I, if I ever ever meet someone ever again) how the flip do you get over the thing of omfg they've got to get to know me, my generall wierdness and once they get past that if they haven't run off screaming what do you do then?? I mean I'm terrible at this, I had 2 boyfriends before B2 who were absolutely horrible and then B2 who was nice but I wasn't enough for him so I only seem to ever attract complete arseholes or the one time I get a nice person its me that's the weak link and tbh I really can't face being told (well not told but you know what I mean) that I'm just not good enough again, there's only so much a gal can take you know.

And I'm not getting any younger, tbh this is just horrible. I am seriously thinking I'm going to be on my own for the rest of my weird life and I'm not sure how I feel about that tbh...


Crikey this is all so flipping hard, I'm scared of being hurt so scared to even consider trying again but I'm sad about the thought of being on my own till the end of it but what really scares me is I'll meet a bad'un again, which kind of ties in with being hurt but fgs I'm too old for this crap!!!

I used to really like the movie Bridget Jones but I watched it the other day and just got a bit mellancholy rather than laughing like I used to, serves me right for feeling so safe and smug for so long. Urgh I just can't face this again, it was alright when I was 20 but ten years on it stinks I'm so cross at being put in this situation against my will!!! lol I just don't understand how people go about dating and things but I think I might have to start thinking about it son or I will completely bottle it and never ever even try it ever again.

Ideas people, I need help here!! it's scarey and I don't like it; not one bit, not at all.

 

[old.Tohtori]

You learn to live a single life quite easily, remember to enjoy the freedom ti gives and don't get too fast into a new relationship. You're free to eat what you want, act how you want, go where you want and no one to answer to. Enjoy it, it's the best part about being single, freedom absolute.

Regarding finding someone, i go by a simple rule; don't search it.

It'll come. Go to bars, be social, don't try to find someone and eventually x meets y and particle z hops into the chancemobile and drives your way.

The trust etc issues are always iffy, even after 40 years, but if you don't have some level of blind trust, you won't get far.

Will this mean people might hurt you? Ofcourse, but if you don't take things too seriously, it won't hurt that much. So, don't overthink things, thinking is your worst enemy in relationships.

Also have some fun, snog a stranger, hyump the mailman, etc. You have no one but yourself to answer to and you can tell yourself to shut up.

Someone might want to quote that, just incase she's still being a ignoromatron.

 

[Dudley52]

hyump the mailman

Lol hump the mailman! Quality

 

[Thorwyn]

Open the door, step through it. Meet people! Find a hobby! Doesn´t matter what it is as long as it requires you to leave your home and socialize with other people. Maybe there´s a "Society of fox skeleton conservators" in your town, or a dinosaur club or whatever. Maybe you won´t be able to find a new partner, but at least you´re going to make friends.

Don´t plan on dating someone, that doesn´t work. It happens when it happens, you can´t force it. Or rather: you can try, but the probabilty of an epic fail is quite high. If you´re putting pressure on yourself, you will appear cramped and insecure. The important part is to get out and not deny yourself the chances. When you meet other people, you should be relaxed and without any pressure. Finding a partner is all about coincidents. You can attend a single-bar-event and get home without even a chat and then have a car accident on your way home... with your perfect match.

@trust
That´s a tough one. I guess you need to figure that out for yourself. My approach on trusting other people is, that it doesn´t pay off to mistrust someone right from the start. It doesn´t help you with not getting hurt if things are going bad.

 

[megadave]

You could hook up with Vasconcelos!

 

[Edmond]

Been single now for.......*takes off shoes and socks*.....17 yrs, ouch, is it that long???

I got burned like you, but i shut up shop and locked myself away from the 'evil' that is relationships, only to realise too late that you just have to move on. And i know its easy for people to say 'oh, just get out there and do stuff' but its not as straight forward as that when you are still in shock from being shat upon

But saying that..... accept invites from friends and go out for drinkys or BBQ's without thinking you have to be 'on and ready' for the man of your dreams to come along, just be yourself, dont hide who you are, whats the point of meeting someone and being false, cos they will be attracted to the wrong person. When you do meet someone who is compatible, it will just click, you shouldn't have to work at it, if you have to do that, then it not gonna work anyway. Your a liitle older/wiser that the last time you were single, i'm sure you'll be able to spot the arseholes a mile off

Dont try too hard, cos you will get pissed off with yourself, there is nothing wrong with being single, you only 30 ffs, your a spring chicken. Enjoy your new found freedom, there is no rush, and its ok to reflect and be all remorsefull(sp) and feel sorry for yourself, it shows your human, and stop watching cheezy rom-com films, its all bollocks

The glass is half full Ez, not half empty, remember that





I Just wish i practised what i preached

 

[Fafnir]

Just have fun, if you find it you find it, if you dont, dont fret about it.

 

[Lamp]

Wise words from Edmond

There are MILLIONS of single people in their 30s all looking for someone, so you're not a freak for being single.

Of course, the older you get the more baggage people bring with them (but thats life....as we pass through the hotel of life, sooner or later, we all end up having to carry someone else's bags to the room)

Go out. Be yourself. Have fun. Don't look to hard. Keep your wits about you and don't take your dead fox with you to any social events

Keep your chin up m8 & enjoy the summer

 

[Cerb]

its me that's the weak link

No its not, you can't think like that you didnt do anything wrong you are not a weak link!

 

[Roo Stercogburn]

I'd suggest an actual dating site will produce better results for research than FH, even if you don't intend to date anyone through that method.

I'd also suggest discretion during the breakup of a relationship as anyone with half a brain will realise that they themselves may well be subjected to the same treatment should a potential relationship go south

 

[Marc]

If you go out with the intention of meeting someone, you wont. Instead, just go out to have fun and the rest will take care of itself

 

[TdC]

The glass is half full Ez, not half empty, remember that

engineers realize that the glass is, in fact, too big

 

[Roo Stercogburn]

engineers realize that the glass is, in fact, too big

Engineers realise the designers didn't understand capacity planning

 

[leviathane]

don't go out looking for "love", just let it happen. Ofcourse this means you gotta put yourself out there again, and be places.

 

[Fafnir]

For guys it works if you either had a thick wad of cash or a ring on your finger

 

[russell]

, the people in those movies are all beautiful/handsome or both Oo what the flip do you do if your just regular or kind of just a bit regular but mostly odd looking
Ideas people, I need help here!! it's scarey and I don't like it; not one bit, not at all.

Ez you are lovely looking and good to talk to. Just get yourself a happy life and it will all fall into place for you (but Lamp is right save the dead foxes till the second date- at least)
I do understand your fears, if I split with Mr Russell I would just stick to being single with my kids as i'm way too past it for all those kind of shenanigans
The angst stuff usually comes when its not right imo, so when it is, you will like someone, become friends and it will all just happen.

Dont worry chicken, I have a hunch you will be more than fine.

 

[Ezteq]

as usual cheers guys you are fountains of wisdom; not actually planning on rushing out and starting (or trying to start) somethng right now, this is one of those in the future after I've licked my woundes questions...also I thnk it's because I have a cold atm and am feeling uber sorry for myself, being ill alone is just miserable lol so I was hving a rather crap day yesterday and gave myself a panic attack lol.

I might actually start going to lectures at the local natural science society again (me and my dead fox would be welcome, I'd probably even be asked to give a talk on him) though the chances of any jiggery pokery resulting from that are nil as the average age of members is about 752 lol but like a wise and noble freddys observed earlier, at least I'll be out having fun and meeting people

Thanks for the kind words folks, it was inevitable I'd get panicky at some point am just glad there's this place and folk like you who help put it into perspective

 

[Aph3x]

Dating websites are usefull but I would take any approach with a pinch of salt on those, they are good for meeting people and can take your time texting, IM'ing or Emailing and get to know someone slowly, however as it is the net and in the same way you can make an account on a forum and make yourself be what ever you want to be. Some people (in my experience) are genuine and others are out for themselves.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Some people (in my experience) are genuine and others are out for themselves.

You date for others?

 

[Aph3x]

Its part of my own business, I go on first dates on behalf of others and see what their dates are like.

 

[kiliarien]

As always selling yourself short Queenie! I'd echo lots of peoples' sentiments that just go about being the normal level of social with drinkies and BBQ's and the such (especially with summer coming!) and something might pan out. We're all weird I think; jesus I have 7 swords from Lord of the Rings on my walls with another 5 weapons and 7 banners to go up somewhere. Everyone has these quirks (you skull being a cool one from your flat tour!) The right sorts are all put there, and there is no doubt the 30's has been the new 20's for a long time now.

I like the lyrics from Baz Luhrmann's Everybody's Free:

"Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either."

On another note, the internet dating world through proper dating sites is very popular and becoming more successful all the time. Avoiding social networking sites to do it ofc, this is a valid avenue and I personally think (and from what I can see in the media) there is no stigma attached to using such methods anymore.

Case in point: My best RL mate is a doctor - very clever, funny, kind, humble, generous etc. He's a perfect catch in terms of good job (on the road to consultant already), great personality etc. But due to hours worked and crazy shifts he was never getting a real look in with ladies relationship-wise as there was hardly any socialising and no time to get to know people with infrequent breaks. He went on one of these sites and he's getting married in September to a cracking lass. Just food for thought there.

 

[Mikah75]

I wouldn't even think about it to be honest for a while! Just live your life as single for a while, if things happen naturally then so be it as the others said you are an attractive young ginger lady who will bring them in, providing you socialise which you are doing. Just don't let it enter your head until something happens. As the others said, you need some time to yourself first learn how to be single first, you've just got there and you're doing lots it seems.

 

[Ch3tan]

Its part of my own business, I go on first dates on behalf of others and see what their dates are like.

Woooooooooaaah! I think you must have the coolest job I have heard a Freddy claim so far.

 

[Cerb]

Woooooooooaaah! I think you must have the coolest job I have heard a Freddy claim so far.

It sounds god in theory but, what if its a dude?

 

[Mikah75]

Then you have more fun ^^

 

[Cerb]

Touche

 

[Ezteq]

Then you have more fun ^^

LOL the quikness of Bakewell strikes again!

Yep you are also right about taking time, certainly not going to be doing anything at all right now lol, presonally don't agree with bouncing out of one relationship and into another because it's so damned unhealthy, and am really enjoying being able to do what I want at any time. It's just when I think about the future it gets a bit iffy, so I'm just not going to think about the future for a while lol.

Am a bit curious about his business of going on a date with someone to see what they are like though...what if you really liked them?? lol would there be ethical dilemmas, do you have a to sign a contract to say you won't poach all the best ones?

 

[Edmond]

.....and does the 'date' know you are checking him/her out for someone else, if not then how do you explain who you are when they are expecting someone else?

 

[Mikah75]

Its completely irrational and perhaps even slightly mentally unstable to go on a date to see if you like someone that soon when you've been in a relationship and were due to get married for the last what 8 years. It shows that you 1. didn't give a shit about the person or 2. you are pathetically deranged and are someone who is desperately of need to be in a relationship which is pretty sad in itself. I mean yes there are good sides, but we come into this world alone and we die alone, people need to be able to cope and live life alone, or when all the shit hits the fan you crumble.

Just use your own advice, don't think about that side of the future, just let yourself drift a little and live your own life and do what you want, be impulsive and spontaneous, if something happens down the line so be it, tackle that when it happens. You need to remember who you are again, most people change when they're involved with someone especially if its been for the last 10 years, goto find yourself again!

 

[old.Tohtori]

Its completely irrational and perhaps even slightly mentally unstable to go on a date to see if you like someone that soon when you've been in a relationship and were due to get married for the last what 8 years. It shows that you 1. didn't give a shit about the person or 2. you are pathetically deranged and are someone who is desperately of need to be in a relationship which is pretty sad in itself. I mean yes there are good sides, but we come into this world alone and we die alone, people need to be able to cope and live life alone, or when all the shit hits the fan you crumble.

With judging like this, no wonder i'm disliked.

Complete bullcrap, it's all about the person, individually and that's it. There's NO absolute rule to relationships.

1: We don't all need 3 months of crying and ben&jerry's to get over someone.
2: Some people like being single, some like a relationship, who do you think YOU are to call them deranged, pathetic and sad?