Sick/Offensive Jokes

[The Fonz]

Two people were standing outside a pet shop discussing which rabbit they would like to buy. One of them pointed in and said to the other "That's the one I'd get".

At which point a Cyclops came round the corner and kicked the shite out of him.

 

[The Fonz]

3 sociology students, one from Oxford, one from Cambridge, and one from John Moores are discussing emotions with a tutor.

"So", says the tutor to the Oxford chap, "what's the opposite of sadness?". "Elation", he replies confidently.

"And what is the opposite of confidence?", he asks the student from Cambridge.

"Angst", is the immediate response.

"What about woe?", he enquires of the JMU student.

The scouser ponders for a short while, then says "Er... is it 'giddy-up' likh?!"

 

[The Fonz]

Woman are like parking spaces...

All the good ones are taken...

and the ones that are left are disabled.

 

[The Fonz]

Sky has just won the rights to screen the World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on paper view.

ITV Digital did have the rights, but they folded.

 

[Generic Poster]

 

[Damini]

I've opened Pandora's box haven't I?

I need death related jokes. Someone in the joke must be dead. Although I know this is in no way going to stem the tide of non-death jokes, I just thought I'd reitterate anyway

On the same kind of lines, I can't think of any two towers jokes. Maybe I have heard some and I've just forgotten them, or maybe that's a step too far even for sick jokes. I don't know. The only two towers jokes relate to killing muslims, rather than the people that actually died in the incident. If anyone does know any, please can they PM me? I've looked online, and I'm not getting anything really.

Also needed: Princess Diana jokes, Great White jokes, NASA jokes, Queen Mum jokes, Anthrax jokes, and so on.

Most of the websites with these kind of jokes on get taken down (which, yes, does fill me with a certain sense of forboding for this thread).

 

[Jupitus]

I expect you know all these...

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts

Where do NASA astronauts take their vacation?
All over Florida

What is an astronauts favourite drink?
Seven Up with a dash of Teachers

These ones spawned with the first shuttle disaster where one of the crew was a teacher.

 

[Testin da Cable]

a bloke urgently in need of a shag runs into a brothel
walking up to it's matron he cries "look Miss, have you got a bargin girl? I've only 5 squids!"
the matron looks him over and says "sure, last door down the hall on your left"
the man runs off and enters the room.
after some time he returns, looking slightly flustered and says "look, I know she's the bargin deal...but can't you have her shower between tricks? and she's got a cold runny nose and all"
the matron says "a runny nose?", "yes" says the man.
turning to press an intercom she says "John? can you come up please? the dead one's full again..."

 

[Xtro]

How do you soak a cabbage?

Weld their wheelchair to a submarine.

 

[Jiggs]

who is the fastest man on wheels?

christopher reeves or stephen hawking?

 

[vestax]

Originally posted by The Fonz
Okay:

So (Insert name) dies and goes to heaven. He is met by God at the pearly gates and is welcomed in with open arms.

"You've been such a good man/woman (Insert name) I've decided to show you around heaven myself.", says God.

So God shows (Insert name) around and at the end of the tour is a massive room full of clocks on the wall with peoples names underneath them. It's all very strange and overwhelming. The clocks all act normally but every so often some of the clocks hands spin around a full hour very quickly.

"Why do some of the clocks hands spin around an hour in the space of a second occasionally God"?, asks (Insert name).

"Ah well, these clocks represent the duration of peoples lives. They all tick normally but when you are a complete cunt, you lose an hour of your life", says god.

"That's amazing", says the man. "Can I see Krypts clock"?

"Ah", says God, "We've got that in the office, we're using it as a fan".

You stole that from a Mike Reid (frank butcher) video

 

[vestax]

Originally posted by The Fonz
Woman are like parking spaces...

All the good ones are taken...

and the ones that are left are disabled.

Just told that one to everyone in my office

 

[old.Gombur Glodson]

One day while at his best friend, Bob's house, Dick decides that he desperately needed a fuck. "Bob, I know I can ask you this because we are such good friends and all. I need a fuck, can I fuck your wife "please?" asked Dick.
Bob thinks about it for a while and finally says, "Because we are such good friends, Dick, yes you can. But be warned, do NOT go down on her. Understand?"

Dick nods and heads upstairs to where Bob's wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but was over come with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her.

Meanwhile, Bob sat happily watching the TV heard Dick being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.

"You went down on her didn't you Dick!!!!" said Bob looking horrified.

"I got a mouth full of rice!!!" said Dick disgusted!

"That wasn't rice Dick, she's been dead three weeks!!"

 

[Anu]

Um i was sent this on my mobile..

President Bush phoned up Superman and Asked why he didn't save the people in the space shuttle!.

Superman Replied " Because i'm in a fucking Wheelchair you CUNT!"

Don't hate me ;x

 

[old.Gombur Glodson]

Not funny in any aspect.

 

[Anu]

maybe not but it's neither worse not better than some that have been posted..

 

[Damini]

Gombur, they don't need to be funny (well, they need at least someone to have found them funny once to be classified as a joke, I suppose) but they do need to involve death. It's all for study.

 

[old.Gombur Glodson]

But let us little forumites have a laugh in the process aswell

 

[Cap'n Sissyfoo]

Is it worthwhile study though? A lot of heinous acts have been commited in the name of study and before I commit myself to posting doidy jokes I want some confirmation that this study is being carried out for the good of humanity.

 

[fezzer]

What's blue and doesn't fit?





A dead epileptic.

 

[Damini]

It's not going to cure cancer or anything, but it might be published in humour journals Sissyfoo. I'm looking at everything, from how people used gallows humour in Aushwitz to cope with it all, through to reactionary jokes about media publicised deaths, and as far as I can tell this kind of study hasn't been done to this degree before. Sick jokes aren't really analysed, because they are spread person to person or by texts and so on - no books or websites really.

 

[Eliz]

Originally posted by Testin da Cable
a bloke urgently in need of a shag runs into a brothel
walking up to it's matron he cries "look Miss, have you got a bargin girl? I've only 5 squids!"
the matron looks him over and says "sure, last door down the hall on your left"
the man runs off and enters the room.
after some time he returns, looking slightly flustered and says "look, I know she's the bargin deal...but can't you have her shower between tricks? and she's got a cold runny nose and all"
the matron says "a runny nose?", "yes" says the man.
turning to press an intercom she says "John? can you come up please? the dead one's full again..."

LMAO. Best one yet.

 

[Sortbane]

Hmm.. trying to translate a norwegian joke I heard down at the pub a couple of days ago, actually quite nasty

One immigrated Pakistani family was living across the hall from another Indian family that had just immigrated to Norway lived on the fifth floor in of Oslo's many ghettos..
The Pakistani children (alot of them also) was running around there and pestering the Indians familys kids and suddenly one day all hell broke loose.. one of the Pakistani kids had been killed by one of the other indian kids..
The Pakistani father ofcourse was really pissed of so he grabbed one of the indian kids and threw him out of the window in retaliation, and ofcourse, since they lived on the fifth floor the kid died the moment he hit the ground. This again provoked the Indians kids father so he too grabbed one of the neighbors kids and threw him out of the window, and ofcourse, the poor pakistani kid died just in the same way as the Indian kid..

Now comes the big question? what's the score?














The score is: 3-0 to norway

 

[Novamir]

a friend told me this the other day, but prepare youself because it quite possibly the most wrong joke i've ever heard.


What goes crack when you fuck it?
A three year olds pelvis.


/me goes to a priest to confess sins

 

[old.Dillinja]

You have strange friends.

 

[SilverHood]

what does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts....

 

[Teh Krypt]

Originally posted by SilverHood
what does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts....

I could have sword I read that on Barrysworld only yesterday..

 

[old.TeaSpoon]

NASA are thinking of changing their sponsership to Coke - They were having a hard time keeping 7Up

 

[thorwyntf]

It´s Xmas evening and the twins, John and Joe are opening their gifts. John gets a new computer, a bike, a RC car, a Pokemon, a Teletubbies and a DragonballZ T-Shirt and an invitation to DisneyLand. Joe gets a pair of socks.
John:"Hey, Joe, could it be that Mum and Dad love me MUUUUCH more than you?"
Joe:"Hey, John, could it be that you have cancer?"

 

[Jonaldo]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."