Sick/Offensive Jokes

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Damini

Guest
Now normally, in my mod capacity I would really really not encourage this, however...



If you are easily offended please click back on this thread?






For my experimental comedy piece I'm doing research into sick death related jokes, like the dead baby jokes and the dead celebrity jokes... Whats red and bubbley and taps at the window? A baby in a microwave.... Whats the last thing that went through Diana's mind before she died? The windscreen... And so on. Everybodies heard them before.

So, and I'm incredibly apprehensive about opening the flood gates like this, but can you guys post any here that you know? The really really ofensive ones it might be best to PM me, because I don't want to make baby jesus cry or anything... I'm just looking into how jokes evolve from celebrity deaths and public disasters, and also how death is treated in humour.

/me braces for impact
 
A

Addlcove

Guest
q: how many babies does it take to cover the roof of a house?
a: one, if you slice it thin enough

more incomming as I remember them ;)
 
A

Addlcove

Guest
year is 2020 and a father and his 15 year old son is walking by the memorial for the twin towers

"what is that father" the son asks
"that's where the Twin Towers where til the muslims flew a plane into them"

the son ponders that and then asks

"what´s a muslim?"
 
W

whipped

Guest
Why did the remaining two Bee Gees buy a cottage in Devon?

Because it was the only place they could see Morris Dancing.
 
T

The Fonz

Guest
Why does Michael barrymoore have no ash trays in his house?

Because he throws his fags in the pool just after he severly ruptures their anus'.
 
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old.0xygen

Guest
Whats more fun than blowing up a bus of old people?

Blowing up a bunch of spastics.






Someone told me that one, I personally didn't find it funny
 
T

The Fonz

Guest
What's better than winning the special olympics?

Not being retarded.
 
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The Fonz

Guest
A man and a little boy are walking into the dark woods, the little boy says, "Oh, I'm really scared".

The man replies, "You're scared!! I have to walk out of here on my own!"
 
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Damini

Guest
It's ok, I'm not going to send anyone to hell for what is written here. You don't have to find them funny, some I do, and some I find pretty distasteful, thats the way the cookie crumbles.
 
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The Fonz

Guest
Which ones are distasteful?

I have a pretty warped sense of humour so I wanna know what to avoid saying tbh, I have thousands stored in my head somewhere.
 
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Damini

Guest
Just some in general: I've been going to some dark and terrible places (humour wise) online in recent days, and while some do make me laugh, some make me feel like I've just gargled with vomit. That's the nature of sick jokes though isn't it?
 
T

The Fonz

Guest
Okay:

So (Insert name) dies and goes to heaven. He is met by God at the pearly gates and is welcomed in with open arms.

"You've been such a good man/woman (Insert name) I've decided to show you around heaven myself.", says God.

So God shows (Insert name) around and at the end of the tour is a massive room full of clocks on the wall with peoples names underneath them. It's all very strange and overwhelming. The clocks all act normally but every so often some of the clocks hands spin around a full hour very quickly.

"Why do some of the clocks hands spin around an hour in the space of a second occasionally God"?, asks (Insert name).

"Ah well, these clocks represent the duration of peoples lives. They all tick normally but when you are a complete cunt, you lose an hour of your life", says god.

"That's amazing", says the man. "Can I see Krypts clock"?

"Ah", says God, "We've got that in the office, we're using it as a fan".

:D
 
A

Addlcove

Guest
Originally posted by The Fonz
Okay:

So (Insert name) dies and goes to heaven. He is met by God at the pearly gates and is welcomed in with open arms.

"You've been such a good man/woman (Insert name) I've decided to show you around heaven myself.", says God.

So God shows (Insert name) around and at the end of the tour is a massive room full of clocks on the wall with peoples names underneath them. It's all very strange and overwhelming. The clocks all act normally but every so often some of the clocks hands spin around a full hour very quickly.

"Why do some of the clocks hands spin around an hour in the space of a second occasionally God"?, asks (Insert name).

"Ah well, these clocks represent the duration of peoples lives. They all tick normally but when you are a complete cunt, you lose an hour of your life", says god.

"That's amazing", says the man. "Can I see Krypts clock"?

"Ah", says God, "We've got that in the office, we're using it as a fan".

:D
Click to expand...

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
 
D

Dook_Pug

Guest
Originally posted by The Fonz
Okay:

So (Insert name) dies and goes to heaven. He is met by God at the pearly gates and is welcomed in with open arms.

"You've been such a good man/woman (Insert name) I've decided to show you around heaven myself.", says God.

So God shows (Insert name) around and at the end of the tour is a massive room full of clocks on the wall with peoples names underneath them. It's all very strange and overwhelming. The clocks all act normally but every so often some of the clocks hands spin around a full hour very quickly.

"Why do some of the clocks hands spin around an hour in the space of a second occasionally God"?, asks (Insert name).

"Ah well, these clocks represent the duration of peoples lives. They all tick normally but when you are a complete cunt, you lose an hour of your life", says god.

"That's amazing", says the man. "Can I see Krypts clock"?

"Ah", says God, "We've got that in the office, we're using it as a fan".

:D
Click to expand...

:clap:
 
U

Uncle Sick(tm)

Guest
Originally posted by The Fonz
Okay:

So (Insert name) dies and goes to heaven. He is met by God at the pearly gates and is welcomed in with open arms.

"You've been such a good man/woman (Insert name) I've decided to show you around heaven myself.", says God.

So God shows (Insert name) around and at the end of the tour is a massive room full of clocks on the wall with peoples names underneath them. It's all very strange and overwhelming. The clocks all act normally but every so often some of the clocks hands spin around a full hour very quickly.

"Why do some of the clocks hands spin around an hour in the space of a second occasionally God"?, asks (Insert name).

"Ah well, these clocks represent the duration of peoples lives. They all tick normally but when you are a complete cunt, you lose an hour of your life", says god.

"That's amazing", says the man. "Can I see Krypts clock"?

"Ah", says God, "We've got that in the office, we're using it as a fan".

:D
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Damnit! Me's at work... and I spilled coffee all over my bloody desk...

:lol:
 
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Sarum TheBlack

Guest
Jokes are so much funnier when they are at the expense of someone you know aren't they?
 
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Tenko

Guest
Before the electro shock therapy i used to know many a sick joke :(
 
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Danya

Guest
Originally posted by Sarum TheBlack
Jokes are so much funnier when they are at the expense of someone you know aren't they?
Click to expand...
Yes, especially when it's Krypt. ;)
 
H

Hatt

Guest
Originally posted by The Fonz
Okay:

So (Insert name) dies and goes to heaven. He is met by God at the pearly gates and is welcomed in with open arms.

"You've been such a good man/woman (Insert name) I've decided to show you around heaven myself.", says God.

So God shows (Insert name) around and at the end of the tour is a massive room full of clocks on the wall with peoples names underneath them. It's all very strange and overwhelming. The clocks all act normally but every so often some of the clocks hands spin around a full hour very quickly.

"Why do some of the clocks hands spin around an hour in the space of a second occasionally God"?, asks (Insert name).

"Ah well, these clocks represent the duration of peoples lives. They all tick normally but when you are a complete cunt, you lose an hour of your life", says god.

"That's amazing", says the man. "Can I see Krypts clock"?

"Ah", says God, "We've got that in the office, we're using it as a fan".

:D
Click to expand...

aaaahaha great ! :D
 
T

Teh Krypt

Guest
Originally posted by The Fonz
Okay:

So (Insert name) dies and goes to heaven. He is met by God at the pearly gates and is welcomed in with open arms.

"You've been such a good man/woman (Insert name) I've decided to show you around heaven myself.", says God.

So God shows (Insert name) around and at the end of the tour is a massive room full of clocks on the wall with peoples names underneath them. It's all very strange and overwhelming. The clocks all act normally but every so often some of the clocks hands spin around a full hour very quickly.

"Why do some of the clocks hands spin around an hour in the space of a second occasionally God"?, asks (Insert name).

"Ah well, these clocks represent the duration of peoples lives. They all tick normally but when you are a complete cunt, you lose an hour of your life", says god.

"That's amazing", says the man. "Can I see Krypts clock"?

"Ah", says God, "We've got that in the office, we're using it as a fan".

:D
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ROFLMAO, im sat here laughing like theres no tomorrow.
 
T

Teh Krypt

Guest
Why did Prince Charles's penis keep changing colour?

He kept sticking it in Die.

:p
 
T

The Fonz

Guest
Originally posted by The Fonz
Okay:

So (Insert name) dies and goes to heaven. He is met by God at the pearly gates and is welcomed in with open arms.

"You've been such a good man/woman (Insert name) I've decided to show you around heaven myself.", says God.

So God shows (Insert name) around and at the end of the tour is a massive room full of clocks on the wall with peoples names underneath them. It's all very strange and overwhelming. The clocks all act normally but every so often some of the clocks hands spin around a full hour very quickly.

"Why do some of the clocks hands spin around an hour in the space of a second occasionally God"?, asks (Insert name).

"Ah well, these clocks represent the duration of peoples lives. They all tick normally but when you are a complete cunt, you lose an hour of your life", says god.

"That's amazing", says the man. "Can I see Krypts clock"?

"Ah", says God, "We've got that in the office, we're using it as a fan".

:D
Click to expand...

Wow that was popular :D

Just thought I'd quote it again...
 
L

-Lonewolf-

Guest
This thread should be locked under house arrest for pure unadulterated humour!

FORBIDDEN BY THE FUHRER!
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
Not a joke..more like a song:

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go. With a shovel and a pick and a twelve foot dick. Hi ho, hi-ho-hi-ho, hi ho.
 
T

The Fonz

Guest
A guy walks into a sex shop in Palestine. He buys a toy doll and takes it back to his house.

It blew itself up.

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Why did Sir Paul McCartney buy his wife a plane?

So she could shave both her legs.

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What has got three legs and lives on a farm?

Paul and Heather McCartney

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What do vegetarian worms eat?

Linda McCartney
 
T

The Fonz

Guest
After her fifth child Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore her former youthful glory, because her gammon was dangling a bit too low, and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and children had taken its toll, and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there, so it looked more like a piggy bank slot than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation, she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "they're very nice, but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them".

Well" said the nurse, "the first one is from the surgeon - the operation went so well, and you were such a model patient, that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ah, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years, and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy, "and the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
 
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