Rude/Harsh jokes - WARNING, NOT NICE!

[Sparx]

What's the smallest pub in the World?
The Thalidomide Arms.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
Excuse me, you're in my son!

what has 90 balls and screws old women
BINGO


If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

Necrophiliac's Philosophy:
Sit back, relax, and crack open a cold one.



A little boy walks in on his mum having a shower, he stands and stares at her. "Whats that?" he says, pointing to her crotch.
Embaressed and not wanting to talk about the birds and the bees just yet she replies "Oh, err thats where daddy hit me with an axe."

"Oooh right in the ****." Laughing


What happened to Cinderella when she got to the ball?
She choked.

what's green and eats balls?
syphillis

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken!

Why can't helen keller drive?
cos shes a woman


Whats 3 feet high and sits at the end of kids beds?
Gary Glitters boots.

What's brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhoea of Anne Frank.



man walks into a chemists, and says 'i need some birth control for my 14yr old daughter'. the chemist looks a bit shocked by this and queries 'your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?'. the man thinks for a moment then replies..

'not really, she just lies there like her mother'


What's blue and doesn't fit any more?
A dead epileptic.

Whats the difference between a family reunion and an 69er ???
In a 69er you only have to kiss one ****

 

[DocWolfe]

some harsh jokes there but I like em!

 

[lilmissnaughty]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

 

[Sparx]

there was loads more but they were just too wrong, i would have got an insta ban

 

[Gorbachioo]

Who the hell is Gary Glitter?

 

[tris-]

ive heard worse than these. i dont find them bad but just not funny imo

my friend wrote a song along with music about certain people. now that is fuckin hillarious. he performed it and had his friend record it on a mobile lol.

 

[Mikah75]

i know a really sick one my friend told me:<... but i dont want to get banned? or will i not?

 

[Morphius]

Garry Glitter, the person ur parents worn u about meeting on chat rooms, vlad basically.

 

[Vladamir]

Garry Glitter, the person ur parents worn u about meeting on chat rooms, vlad basically.

I'm only 18 you fuckpot

 

[Morphius]

that's exactly what Gary says.

 

[Maff]

I'm only 18 you fuckpot

ah well your to old now, so you'll be safe from him then

 

[Sparx]

LOL woot! i got my post renamed hehe

 

[Chilly]

seriously, dont read this.

Spoiler

stolen from babs: How do you make a 7 year old girl cry twice?
You wipe the blood off your cock with her favourite teddybear.

Look, I fucking told you not to.

 

[lilmissnaughty]

Q: What's blue and wiggles?
A: A baby in a plastic bag.
Q: What's green and doesn't?
A: Same baby three weeks later.

Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a queer?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

Q: What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old peoples home

Q: What's black and blue and smokes in the corner?
A: A baby chewing on an extension cord

Q: What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common?
A: They both fuck pigs.

Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q: How do you make your wife scream louder?
A: Fuck her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: What’s green and melts in your mouth.
A: A leper’s cock!

 

[Penlid]

seriously, dont read this.

Spoiler

stolen from babs: How do you make a 7 year old girl cry twice?
You wipe the blood off your cock with her favourite teddybear.

Look, I fucking told you not to.

All i can say is FUCCCKING HELL, that was bad :x and sick

 

[georgie]

It's not like he didn't warn you.

 

[Sparx]

i can say this one cause i'm catholic

Spoiler

whats the difference between Jesus and an oil painting??

You only need 1 nail to hang an oil painting

 

[Hansmoleman]

whats pink silver, and the smile gets gradually bigger?

baby eating razor blades.

 

[Sparx]

pink and silver and gets smaller?

Baby with a cheese grater

 

[Hansmoleman]

pink silver and runs around the room screaming?

baby with forks in its eyes.

 

[eggy]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken!

Harsh!

 

[Sparx]

whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

Now that one was sick but in my drunken state on saturday, i peed a little was so funny

 

[Overdriven]

Okay, ROFL - Spoiler ones were screwed up. 2nd was was better =P

Rest made me laugh my ass off.



What's brown and screams?
A baby being cooked in the microwave..

 

[Hansmoleman]

What do you call a jewish cook?

Spoiler

hitler

dont look if you are easily offended as with all other jokes

 

[evzy]

Some of the most wrong jokes ever !! Keep it up !!!

Old one :
Who is the fastest reader in the world?
Eric Claptons son - 15 stories in 6 seconds ... (look it up if you dont get it)

 

[Morphius]

i guess ur talking stories of a building

 

[evzy]

Mebbe.... maybe he choked on a chocolate storybook.....

 

[Mikah75]

how do you do spoiler?

 

[Tasslehoff]

how do you do spoiler?

[spioler] - [/spioler] - . .

 

[lilmissnaughty]

Q: whats the difference between a truck full of babies an a truck full of pingpong balls?

A: you cant unload the pingpong balls with a pitchfork